第二章 —— 粉碎心靈而行
EP 1
知性逆襲
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是否忘記了初衷249Please respect copyright.PENANAT3JvXWyKXF
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有一件事,她從來不理解,照其個性,那怕重來也不明白,為什麼、如何、怎樣地,質疑事實,儘管已經繞之而轉一輩子了,每一角落、真相的碎片亦熟知249Please respect copyright.PENANAkZgfeFC1Qu
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還沒有學會「接受」249Please respect copyright.PENANAtFWjNuOxVB
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接受現實249Please respect copyright.PENANA2QbUGaFCbo
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因為認為是屈服249Please respect copyright.PENANApvkB8AGEmr
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感覺好像自己在投降249Please respect copyright.PENANAcsQgag6y5T
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放棄一切249Please respect copyright.PENANALO1YFSRCzP
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追求完美至上,而不允許錯249Please respect copyright.PENANAsYoTMJxVAh
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如其之出生,尤像生活,所聽、知,授教的249Please respect copyright.PENANAMdT2Ucjc97
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認為是這樣子的狂妄249Please respect copyright.PENANApM5YkrqVyw
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無他249Please respect copyright.PENANAwVE6bDHokC
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說是愚痴也不過份249Please respect copyright.PENANAMbPtzP8Sfl
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只是她不相信249Please respect copyright.PENANAVAJxg3Civh
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懷疑249Please respect copyright.PENANAebPnQ6OVbZ
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她⋯⋯249Please respect copyright.PENANAUg9LmCTHw0
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「⋯⋯」249Please respect copyright.PENANA0O1z7HIWMd
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由一開始,女孩的這種個性就已經總結了此下場,這並不為因果關係,純粹因這個下場的發生堪於必然,而是狀況的現象化,星星的模樣,是因為太遙遠才是唯美而存,近看,以生命來燃燒的想法,無比嚇人249Please respect copyright.PENANAyYdZkODZlc
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單單是想像也有夠不安249Please respect copyright.PENANA9JlUzVDqyi
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儘管此刻的自己也如看鏡面一樣,對此狀況不只是目擊證人,近是案內者,經歷者249Please respect copyright.PENANANTX5JwcYdV
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但若論為什麼會對其驚訝249Please respect copyright.PENANA0CZcWIN6om
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唯一句249Please respect copyright.PENANA3GOOqYo3uc
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當局者迷,旁觀者清249Please respect copyright.PENANAfJDy6at1ez
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當初,我也不曾察覺其他的事情,只為信仰而活的自己,追求理想的結局,拋棄所有的我249Please respect copyright.PENANAAxkM3V1H5h
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根本不在意自己的身體點燃上星似熊烈249Please respect copyright.PENANAZjLEmunsxA
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想法,是會傳染、變異、影響、控制249Please respect copyright.PENANAehwRW91TuJ
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且不死,無法殺死249Please respect copyright.PENANAWA1LYb5NDN
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人家已經很盡力了249Please respect copyright.PENANA1Xa00mYWDV
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我一直嘗試在抵抗這份感情249Please respect copyright.PENANAttKC8URB2h
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憤怒249Please respect copyright.PENANA6jXEnoBlbb
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一直以來無論多麼努力亦不能有什麼結果249Please respect copyright.PENANAJV2fMTPmJj
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因為我沒有用249Please respect copyright.PENANAkMWN3p0oNF
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因為我的能力不足
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—— 咯 ——
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輕輕地扭開門把,金屬的把條縮回門鎖之中,角度的漸大,門的打開,男人就在該處站著249Please respect copyright.PENANAfxyLIcNT1n
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「是的,陳熒羽⋯對嗎?」249Please respect copyright.PENANAGq5K2PP1xt
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「嗯⋯嗯⋯⋯打擾了」249Please respect copyright.PENANALZeBMsXr5F
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進入到久違的房間,和記憶同模印的擺設佈局,主色調為米色,副色白249Please respect copyright.PENANAs2Sm3bGE8F
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—— 咔 ——
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關上門,房間消音的性質方真正開始,完全隔絕外在,此處的所有聲音仍會遭吞蝕,留在這裏,只有這裏,才將自己從這個世界中抽離249Please respect copyright.PENANA77gJoOV6Pi
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沒有吵鬧聲
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餘下的,是自己腦內的聲音249Please respect copyright.PENANAcaBZdw7DyP
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與其說是喜歡,說是比較、偏好才對,始終腦內的聲音,一直停不下來249Please respect copyright.PENANAm7iA9IWhhU
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討厭
討厭
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「唔⋯⋯對不起⋯上次臨急改期⋯」
「不,沒關係」
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男人走向沙發,攤開掌心,以手勢示意
「來,請坐」
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對他點頭道謝後,我往位置坐下來
「那麼⋯最近睡得還可以嗎?」
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「唔⋯嗯⋯還可以⋯⋯」249Please respect copyright.PENANA0sHMn1rnY1
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深呼吸,讓血管稍微收壓、放鬆,使心跳稍為緩下249Please respect copyright.PENANA4S1ByupDMU
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舔了舔下唇,我才繼續
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「⋯最近⋯夜驚的情況⋯有改善到」
「但還是有嗎?」
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「嗯⋯」
胸口的壓力感在說完話後消退,弄得自己好像成就了什麼大事般
「⋯這樣喔⋯沒關係,不用勉強,放鬆就可以了」
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「嗯」249Please respect copyright.PENANADaZiUlxX0q
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⋯⋯
那對眼睛
⋯
不要一直看過來⋯⋯
不要⋯不要——
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已經無法呼吸了多久?249Please respect copyright.PENANAasUk47cDfI
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太久了,不過至從學懂存在,便已經失去了呼吸的權利,「自由」一字的概念遙遠得不但不能觸及,甚至連想像的機會也沒有,提心吊膽地呼吸,屏住心跳,一輩子活在的地方 —— 恐懼而不和平的暗影之中249Please respect copyright.PENANAApzb4Ap8BO
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已經失眠了多久?249Please respect copyright.PENANAFdSzcVYx9i
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失眠不是問題,而是衍生出來的結果,閉上眼睛仍然無法逃離,知道張開眼睛所面對的未來,毫不期待,害怕未來,受到過去而滿身傷痕,無論如何也得不到明天,好想好想那裏也不去,不前進不回去,待在原處,寧願原地踏步,寧願當個別人口中的笨蛋,討厭改變,卻249Please respect copyright.PENANAdHvwVfCrzA
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卻⋯卻⋯⋯249Please respect copyright.PENANA7N9BTE4iDs
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一點不想繼續這樣承受下去,而終究還是困在如此循環中,沒有所謂「時間」的存在,昨天即是今天,明天也去不了那去,等候自己的未來,只是幻覺249Please respect copyright.PENANAex9wXpIiwD
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還是說,世事可以和大家口中一樣嗎?
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由開始,已經不像任何人的前提,是可以怎叫自己活得正常,我不能、不會、不懂,現在不會,將來也是,儘管我是對這強烈不滿249Please respect copyright.PENANADl64Cd599z
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但我有選擇嗎?面對種種,難道有其他方法嗎?
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每天晚上也這樣想著,徹夜未眠,哭過無數次,甚至麻木,到淚水不自覺流在臉上,同樣的床,同樣的夜空,左右被冷意包圍,呆呆無意墮入腦內249Please respect copyright.PENANAh0VqJT7OJE
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好想,一覺不醒
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即使每一次的夢也不完美,我知道自己的夢有多麼壓迫,難受苦人又使人瘋狂,但好歹是夢,醒來之後便能脫離,不似得這個現實,所在所有的破生活,根本忘不了,尤其這份痛苦,以夜以日頻頻萌生新的根,扎在過迫的心靈中249Please respect copyright.PENANAf7B8eTbcvx
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恨不得粉碎了之,那怕會死
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死一死也蠻好嘛
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結束就好了
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—— 別開玩笑了
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人家也希望能夠快樂249Please respect copyright.PENANA2OmCcrUmct
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可是從來沒有,是完全沒有一個這樣的機會249Please respect copyright.PENANAFX5bf74BcT
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也希望被愛
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也希望被認同
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⋯⋯249Please respect copyright.PENANAWcyLbNS5oA
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我不知足?
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⋯⋯249Please respect copyright.PENANAJQlpyqjBWe
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這世界一開始也沒有給到我們些什麼,「足夠」也是自己所定義的不是嗎?沒錯吧?!249Please respect copyright.PENANATOM67xWhs2
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——呀?
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嗯?249Please respect copyright.PENANA7TOkbwtxZc
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又是這樣
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難得我想表達自己,鼓起勇氣,想成為別人所希望的模樣,總是在自己嘗試前攔下自己,阻擋自己到前方去,但明明是同一班人叫人家去相信,要怎樣怎樣努力,結果又只是說說而已249Please respect copyright.PENANAUG08F6feIz
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我是笨了一點,呆了一點,像個白痴,直接當成傻仔也不過份,然而⋯⋯然而⋯我⋯249Please respect copyright.PENANAcgkxcY0ZTB
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我也想活下去
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但一而再,再而三,真正阻止我從現況中掙扎出來的,是同一人,給予假希望,當自己不足為提,尤如走狗又好,簡直為玩具,喜歡便拿來玩,不喜歡便拿出來踐踏好一番,然後沒了興趣時,就隨手一丟,棄之不理
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莫名其妙,但真的好痛,我嘗試將心比己,下場居然是遭隨意玩弄然後棄之,我躲起來哭時又在安慰我,這是什麼?
這是什麼?
我寧願自己一人好了
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一直以來,我的人生,完全是自力更生,因為沒有那個誰,能真正幫助到我249Please respect copyright.PENANAelQlsAiaxF
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或是說,我不希望⋯249Please respect copyright.PENANAeMxGJ2kixF
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⋯⋯249Please respect copyright.PENANAKv50gJpQXD
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對不起249Please respect copyright.PENANAQeWWqzfRlH
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我也希望自己⋯249Please respect copyright.PENANANy4QiByZra
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不過⋯⋯
「⋯那麼好了⋯今天就先這樣吧」
「剛剛斷藥一星期,狀況已經是有很大改善了」
「所以你真的不用那麼勉強自己」
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「唔⋯⋯」
「既然完成了⋯那麼⋯」
男人深呼氣,站起,走近自己
「我們還有些時間」
「嗯⋯」
緊張,我吞口水下騷燥的喉嚨
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男人他站在自己後面,就在沙發椅子後面,伸手按下椅旁的按鈕,讓椅背調低,另一手則是在輕輕地撥弄自己的額髮,角度之下,我能直視之俯視的顏容249Please respect copyright.PENANA5sNi1MWxgJ
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角度最大,椅背的最低,躺在沙發上的自己在剛才過度集中精神,現時便持續精神疲勞狀態,稍有腦昏,意識模糊,但仍然,我知道接下來的發展
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對此,心跳開始不受控制,我的呼氣聲明顯大了
「剛剛在外面的是?」
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「⋯哥哥」
「不再是家人以外的嗎?」
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「⋯⋯嗯」249Please respect copyright.PENANA5zfawXnEo1
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男人緩緩地往自己校服裙領,衣領,膀子那邊伸手,溫柔,但快速地解開鈕扣,使頸前空間寛鬆些許
「哥哥⋯⋯會討厭哥哥嗎?平常」
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「很少⋯」
「真的?要説真話喔」
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「⋯⋯」249Please respect copyright.PENANAuXpkgItdWt
「真的」249Please respect copyright.PENANAH65cFSlNeW
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反手,迅速地拉下了背後的拉鍊
「這樣嗎?」
—— 『反正會變成怎樣,我也不在意了』 ——
托著肩,使自己稍為露出背給對方看
「⋯哎⋯不行喔⋯沒穿嗎?」
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「今天趕著出門口便⋯」
「不行呢⋯你可要注意一下自己的身份喔」
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「對不起——呀⋯」
「是我的手冷嗎?」
「還可以嘛?」
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「沒事⋯只是有點緊張⋯⋯」
「也不是第一次了呢,放鬆吧」
「我會盡快的」
除下上面的部份,完全露出後背來
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沒有直接看,觸感因而格外特出
「不看過來嗎?」
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「⋯⋯不用了⋯」
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世界內完全隔絕其中的空間,我的呼吸才叫無比格外突出的存在
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冰冷的手撫在這副體溫比常人高個1-2攝氏(C)度,對比之下任何東西才更為清晰,尤其一對一之下,我方才明白自己的真正
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從背縫伸入裙中,撫著背脊,繼續下去
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往那兒去
「啊,醫生⋯那、那個⋯」
突然地動了動,使男人的動作暫停了半頓249Please respect copyright.PENANA4OFCLUJ4Cb
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「可以⋯不要嗎?」
「不行」
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「⋯我怕痛⋯」
「⋯⋯要先從前面來嗎?」
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「⋯⋯嗯,拜託⋯」
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抽手,繞過身,徬如要抱住自己
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見他的手遲遲不動,意識到什麼的自己方才示意
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拉起裙子,他的手伸至自己下腹
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如記憶一樣強烈的感覺,身體因那股不只為痛楚之上的刺激稍為扭計抽搐,更可能因感覺過為久違而特別地格外,淚水溢出,我知道不可以動,但下盤,比較近的那處,完全就不聽命
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「哈⋯醫生⋯呀⋯手⋯手⋯」249Please respect copyright.PENANAyWmzZUGxmn
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伸過來另一手,習慣性地抱住在臉前,口前,咬住249Please respect copyright.PENANARRkbKsEGWe
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「唔⋯唔⋯咿!」249Please respect copyright.PENANAQKNWeukw3Q
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最後一記,最強烈
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「⋯哈啊⋯」
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鬆口,直至其手到胸口249Please respect copyright.PENANAqKcChpNX98
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儘管此處沒有下面的刺激,但仍然⋯痛楚必居多,畢竟是心臓
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放在前方,我閉上眼睛,任由感覺告訴自己而不想目睹
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卻似乎⋯在自己預備好之前已經結束
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「⋯啊?」
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連咬也不用,只有半秒的電流感
「前面完成了」
男人如此說道249Please respect copyright.PENANAq2Y72EmNvU
249Please respect copyright.PENANANnIGoGxuRX
那麼接下來⋯
「那麼⋯」
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「⋯⋯來吧⋯快點完事吧」
「好的——」
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「等、等等」249Please respect copyright.PENANARSp8APlD1E
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在他的手移至自己背時,我叫止
「⋯⋯」
「怎麼了?」
249Please respect copyright.PENANAaiRqBIayxS
「我調轉身體,趴著,您從後面來⋯⋯比較容易對吧?」
「你喜歡吧」
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「⋯⋯嗯⋯」249Please respect copyright.PENANANpAwWn80l8
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完全將裙子脫下,連最後一塊布料也脫下,掛在一旁,接著倒轉,趴在沙發上249Please respect copyright.PENANAeDyQTbzCUQ
249Please respect copyright.PENANAtdfybkIxRY
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沒有什麼停頓的時間,在感覺到之際,我閉上眼睛
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好痛
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但會有人在意嗎?
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他會、她會,但我不想使任何人擔心
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249Please respect copyright.PENANAU2pcNOmSQQ
始終倒頭來,人家我根本不會怎樣和人相處,完全不出奇,毫無意外,畢竟沒有人教導過我,也沒有這個機會,本來與人相處,我也沒有那個需要,但另一個需求,更不想去實踐
249Please respect copyright.PENANAW0UGiCabqL
249Please respect copyright.PENANA0tfoFSLAxn
無數次因能力不足的錯敗,完全是拖延別人進度的我在之前找不到自己的位置,現在也不能,即使以自己的能力而言,是會完全勝任
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單單經驗,和他一起高居其上,但致命的是臨場發揮,我不能249Please respect copyright.PENANArXbJGk0nSV
249Please respect copyright.PENANAn9eplGzNC4
長期的壓力與否認積累下來,成為了自己那無形的牆,困住自己,我⋯⋯249Please respect copyright.PENANANT4drMdsh2
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永生而來也是所謂「理性」的囚奴
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名為「理性」的魔物是我腦內的聲音,也是各種困難的化身,我無從逃離,因為它無處不在249Please respect copyright.PENANALepQmLM7sR
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每日侵喰自己的精神,我口中的疲累,永遠會是先指精神疲累,做事,任何一件也是,它亦會阻止我,更不止一次而是無限多次
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控制我的動作,以自己的精神和動力為糧,在開始點絆倒自己,途中不斷勸退自己的努力,在受傷時再插自己一刀,在面對困難時成為負擔,以及那些不斷催促自己前進的壓力,成為自己真正到不了那去的最主要原因249Please respect copyright.PENANAwykRVrNhYN
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比較下,條件不由自己定
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我沒有選擇權249Please respect copyright.PENANAnB270escWY
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249Please respect copyright.PENANACjlDkUwS2S
就連思考時,亦會來作崇,煽動自己做出愚蠢之動,決定時一二不是,我失去了選擇,見步行步什麼的,對我而言只是屈服249Please respect copyright.PENANAx8M3Y6nmdq
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明白嗎?249Please respect copyright.PENANAjXpTe4VXf2
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我不是不想努力,而是我所有事的起跑線都比別人遠、艱苦,無法正常地思考的痛苦,總是被他人卑視又白眼,我在努力,他們看到嗎?可以讓我努力嗎?249Please respect copyright.PENANAEN2jeLR5cr
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若世界更溫柔的話——
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不可能249Please respect copyright.PENANAormzJWF4cN
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故然,我的作用⋯也沒有所謂的意義249Please respect copyright.PENANAhAzSxHXXkF
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什麼也沒有249Please respect copyright.PENANAeQBrOkcW0I
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在邊緣望向彼方,死亡那,我想過去嗎?249Please respect copyright.PENANApQbuIdm9VG
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當然249Please respect copyright.PENANAYe6V7KbtXm
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絕對
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不想249Please respect copyright.PENANAeQCtv4aSVu
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但始終,真的太辛苦了249Please respect copyright.PENANAQzZJZSl5Jt
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⋯⋯249Please respect copyright.PENANAHzgNQRakdN
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思考真的太辛苦了249Please respect copyright.PENANAkJ3sOgoSHi
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「好了,怎樣了?痛嗎?」
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「呀⋯⋯還可以⋯啊⋯」
「嘛,好像新的藥劑太強了」
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「不⋯不這樣⋯我真的會休克⋯」249Please respect copyright.PENANAudIYafaIsA
「給人家條毛巾可以嗎?」249Please respect copyright.PENANAoKy0jy5Bem
「⋯⋯還有⋯抱歉⋯⋯」
「沒關係,我待會清潔」
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「⋯⋯對不起」249Please respect copyright.PENANAYiWeh3M4bu
249Please respect copyright.PENANAyQjS2Aliei
「那麼⋯先來聽一下結果吧」
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「嗯⋯」249Please respect copyright.PENANAEycps7sSbh
249Please respect copyright.PENANA9Qfcmkj2oF
249Please respect copyright.PENANAbdUJcpTr4U
「你已經有四成崎品變異融合了」
「骨髓、荷爾蒙、肌肉組織也完全適應了」
「看來,你的身體已經預備好了」
「嗯」
「在不久的將來」
「為新人類的未來祈福,紅雲感激你的犧牲」
曾經,我也有夢想
我希望使他人微笑、快樂
幸福
儘管我不曾能理解
但現實拒絕了我
正在自己徘徊崩潰之際,他們找到了我
說服我成為他們的工具
「忠誠致赤雨之日」
既然已是理性的囚犯,那麼就不自由下去吧,粉碎心靈也好
反正⋯⋯
人家我早已不在意
——————————
最強大的力量,為信念
——————————
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「忠誠致赤雨之日」249Please respect copyright.PENANAm8HKAmHBzW
249Please respect copyright.PENANAYy4bw4yc3J
249Please respect copyright.PENANA72dDH1O7TB
女孩說道
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旁周的範圍漸漸陰暗,連光源 —— 燈管,周圍也暗淡
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但不是燈光的點滅,反倒是影子的逆襲
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是女孩的指示249Please respect copyright.PENANAlS8vo2YyBw
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從其身體散出,影子隨之散至每一個角落,讓漆黑侵佔光明
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伸手不見五指,女孩逐漸消失在眼前
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直至最後能看見的——249Please respect copyright.PENANAvVslAHAOwp
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也不存在
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唯好像隱弱聽到了什麼249Please respect copyright.PENANAnSif7ctlir
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但無法辨認249Please respect copyright.PENANApBoQBklxXs
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或是記住至可以重組一個句子
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黑暗將自己包圍249Please respect copyright.PENANAWO9eJivHJv
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不知多久了249Please respect copyright.PENANAaP3aKJ3V3M
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在那時開始249Please respect copyright.PENANAxiiQKF7IkO
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那裏249Please respect copyright.PENANAO7slndIrUT
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但有些事情〇〇
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〇〇〇249Please respect copyright.PENANAIEMlgQr64A
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〇〇〇〇〇〇249Please respect copyright.PENANAMyAWEIC3gl
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現在不是你的回合249Please respect copyright.PENANA582Sp03XLx
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