***Taylor POV***
~past tense~
January
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Im a bad girl. He is gazing at me in his car, I imagine our relationship and it flashes before me through my mind. He's drop dead gorgeous, and how I can even manage to stop touching him is truly remarkable. He's handsome in a true and honest way.
He pushes his blonde hair away from his face, glancing at me again.
"Taylor what is it you desire in life" he asks genuinely. I mean that's the question isn't it.
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I'm caught off guard and I sigh.
"I'll have to think about that one. What is it you desire" I ask him.
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He thinks for a minute forming his words.
"Genuinely, I think you're the only person I've ever desired in my life. I think of the whole thing, how we could be together. How well we get on, like when I'm with you it feels natural and right" he says.
He glances at me awkwardly.
"I'm sorry you can tell me to shut up" he says
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"No I wanna hear it" I admit.
We pull into uni and he sighs.
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"It feels good being with you" he smiles
"In every way" he admits.
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I smile at him, we smoke walking up to the building. We head to psychology. As we're walking he grasps my hand in his. I don't know why but this feels more intimate than what he was doing between my legs this morning.
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We sneak in the back of psychology and I quietly walk in front of him to my seat. He has my hand in his.
I sit quietly next to Jay who eyes me and Ross.
"Hey" I whisper.
He looks confused for a second and then he smiles.
"I'll catch you up? On break" he says meaning the lecture I just missed.
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"Thanks" I smile.
His eyes linger on me for a second longer and then he looks at the front.
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Ross places his hand over mine and I feel my cheeks redden and heat up. His touch feels different to me. I get flashbacks of his hand between my legs and I practically squirm remembering it.
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"What do you have after this?" I whisper.
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"English" Ross whispers back.
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I smile, I have a free so I'll busy myself until he's done.
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At the end of the lecture, Ross embraces me like he normally would and I tell him I'll meet him at the car after English.
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I walk out of psychology in a daze. I feel completely different to yesterday. I feel for my phone and retrieve it from my pocket, I scroll for Rhea. I'm going to update her, she needs to know.
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"Tay?" Jay says behind me softly. We're walking down the corridor, I hadn't realised he was there.
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"Yes" I reply turning slightly.
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"Lets grab a coffee" he suggests smiling.
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"Sure" I say and I text Rhea at the same time letting her know I need to talk with her.
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***
Jay strides into the coffee shop. He approaches the counter and orders us our drinks. I notice he's remembered my order. I follow him up the stairs and we sit on the chairs by the fireplace.
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He sets down my hot chocolate and then sips his black coffee.
"You didn't miss much. Not at all" Jay says eyeing me curiously.
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"Ah I didn't think so" I say sipping my hot chocolate.
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There's an elephant in the room and I feel opposed to address it until I can confidently say what I want.
He just watches me, I feel his eyes on me and the worst thing is that I still feel the same. I'm an awful person. I've slept with Ross. This morning. Ross has been telling me that he loves me, Jay has been telling me the same and I have been letting them both think they have a claim.
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"Are you going to the party" I say to change tact. Skirt around the problems.
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"Taylor, do you have something to share with me" he says avoiding my question.
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"Like what" I say.
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He runs his hand through his hair frustrated. Looks at his coffee and then breathes.
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"I don't know. Things feel different. I called you literally last night and I thought...Ah fuck it." He says clearly pissed with everything.
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"Jay I'm single, I'm not seeing anybody." I say technically true.
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"Yeah I deserve this." He says to himself
"I literally have done this to girls before" he says.
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"I'm not trying to do anything. I'm trying to work things out" I say.
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"Okay I get it" he says.
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He curses and then gets his psychology book out. He dumps it on the table opens it up and starts going over his notes.
I'm not listening to him. I'm watching him.
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"Taylor, what is up with you?" He asks confused.
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"Nothing" I say too quickly.
I smile at him making eye contact.
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"What?" He looks at me surprised.
"I mean what the fuck you tell me you love me, you break up with him and then you blow me off" he says.
"What is that about?" He asks.
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"Jay you actually care ? About me?" I say.
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"Yes, I fucking care. Okay and that has made me so weak for you." He admits.
"And I know that you are trying to work shit out, and I need to be patient" he says.
"But I'm not patient" he says finally smiling.
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"Well that is a problem" I say watching his reaction.
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He goes quiet for a while assessing the situation.
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"I am going. Yes the party though is at Nate's, the douchebag who tried it on with you before" he explains.
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"Ah, I didn't know that" I explain.
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"So I'm definitely going with you" he laughs.
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I smile at him and we finish up our drinks. He looks at me and asks if I’m ready to leave.
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“Jay I’m not blowing you off” I say when he stands up.
I stand in front of him facing him.
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“Well I think if you’re single, I am going to treat this situation differently.” He says.
“Do you want to go out with me tonight” he asks.
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“Go out where?” I smile.
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“For a drink, you’re single right ? Lets go” he smiles.
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“We could do that” I smile back. Is this so bad? It’s just a drink. Right?
“Shall I drop you a text later” I say making plans.
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“Sure” he smiles. And then he bends his head to mine keeping my eye contact. He slowly kisses my lips and then pulls away again.
I clear my throat and after some hesitation I head to the door, he follows me out.