~past tense~
It reads 'Taylor I just wanted to see how you were. I miss us so much. I miss feeling you next to me in bed, I miss sitting in front of the fire, I miss eating together and talking on the way home from uni. So yeah I just wanted to talk that's all. And I'm trying to give you space and not call you. But I still love you just as much as I did before'.
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I feel warm, hot even reading it. Like I'm guilty. He's been thinking about us and I've been doing my own thing.
The best course of action would be to just deal with it. I text him back saying to meet me tomorrow lunch somewhere other than the canteen. He replies straight away. So we're meeting at the cafe.
I know Matty so well that I shouldn't be nervous around him.
"Matty just texted me" I blurt out.
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"You okay ?" He asks softly.
I'm shocked I expected a snide comment.
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"Yes. No" I laugh.
"I feel like I'm busy working on my life and he's still thinking about us. But I can't be with him right now. It reminds me of everything" I say. I'm giving too much away.
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It's a long drive and I think about telling him. I would never have trusted Jay before this. But I do now. Completely.
"What happened Tay?" He asks handing me another cigarette.
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I light up.
"I felt like he saw me as this perfect girl, who couldn't do anything wrong" I begin, I've never even admitted this out loud to myself.
"When we got over the Jen situation, things were great again. We were too involved with just each other though. I think we just got a bit too over involved. After Ross left hospital we realised we were pregnant" I say looking out of the window.
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"And we went to the scans, we heard the heartbeat even." I say why am I telling him this? He just listens. I didn't even tell Rhea all of this. I shouldn't drink.
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"My hormones went through the roof and that's why I was so angry with Jane by the way." I say glancing at him.
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"That's why you left when she shoved you" he says realisation dawning. Jane, annoyed at Jay for using her had been shouting at him in the canteen last year and I decided to stand up for him. She hit me and Matty took me to the clinic.
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"Yeah, so it was fine. Even though that all happened. Turns out it would have to be quite a huge amount of trauma to affect a baby in a womb." I say.
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He just waits for me to finish.
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"I even dreamed about it, what it would be like to have a child. And I knew he would be fine. It's something Matty wanted, I wanted it for him. The idea grew on me and I felt like a different person for some time. Like I could do that, and I was really careful not to do anything or eat anything wrong" I say
"But sometimes things don't always happen the way you'd imagine. I miscarried. Just randomly. As if the world was telling me that wasn't my honour to have. I was the problem." I say.
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"And no matter how hard he tried to make it right I couldn't get over it" I say relieved. Finally telling somebody else. Somebody I wouldn't expect to confide in.
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"You're so brave and resilient Taylor. I'm sorry that you went through that. Truly I am." He says.
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"Sorry I know that is not first date conversation" I say.
"And weirdly you really helped me through all of that last year without even realising it" I say to him.
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"That's heavy, you could have told me. But I understand why you didn't. I feel honoured that you told me now." He says and he rests his hand on my thigh.
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We're quiet for a bit.
"We know each other already. And I hope you feel you can share things like that with me.
My mum miscarried when I was 14. I remember it because at the time she was just so upset that she couldn't give me the sibling I wanted. And I told her over and over that I just cared about her. But she wouldn't listen. She cried a lot. Now I think about it now I'm older I realise that my mum and dad had been trying for a long time to have another child and they went through a lot for that chance that they lost." He says quietly.
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"And that's not me saying I know how you feel. Because I don't. But I can empathise with that situation" he adds.
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I smile at him we're near Ross' now and he parks up outside. Ross went to Rach's for a bit when I said I wouldn't be in later. I can see he's back now though.
"I enjoyed our night" Jay says smiling.
"Me too" I add and I glance over at him looking at a different guy than I did earlier. Someone I can confide in and trust, someone who can listen, someone who just spent the whole night just dancing with me in his arms.
I lean in and he takes me up on the opportunity. He kisses me sweetly at first, and then with growing intensity, his hands going through my hair. I break away breathless.
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"Second date ?" I laugh.
He laughs and I head out of the car before I change my mind.
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