***Mattys POV***
~past tense~
January
(I will be doing some switching between the past and present tense from now on, the past tense chapters follow straight on from Choose me: novel two)
"I do love you, I always will but I can't do this. It's the same fight each time. About Jay, everything's about Jay but maybe Matty he's my friend and I care for him. Maybe it would be best for us to just call it off for a while." she's saying and I wonder how we got here. She's not rational right now. Please don't leave me like this I beg her in my head.
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For a while I played it cool, but there's only so much I can look away from. Jay, he gets under my skin, I know he tries it on with her. Every move is orchestrated and deliberate. He bought her diamond earrings for fucks sake. Now I just curse myself for allowing him anywhere near the love of my entire life. I look over at her, it's a gloomy January day. It's raining outside and she's beside herself looking at me, angry tears streaming down her face. Diamond earrings in her hands, which she took out because of me and my jealousy.
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I was supposed to be taking her out and I've ruined it again. All because of some earrings. I work out in my head how to backtrack and save this disaster and come up blank.
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Ever since the miscarriage, which I still can't process, we've been drifting. I tried so hard to be there and present for her. I tried to make things like they were. I love her, with everything inside of me. We are supposed to stay together, I've told her this countless times.
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Jay is temporary, he's a distraction for her. I know she thinks he's fun, and exciting and he takes her mind off of everything.
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"I'm sorry Taylor" I say.
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She looks away from me.
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"I'm sorry too Matty." She says. No not that, anything but that.
"I'm not perfect and I'm not the right person for you" she says. This is new, where does she ever get these ideas from?
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I walk up to her. Take her hand in mine, feeling her ring the one I gave her over a year ago. The one I placed on her fingers as a symbol of forever. The hands I've held every night for years.
"Taylor, please I'm sorry. I love you, you are my everything" I say stroking her face and her tears away.
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She sobs and looks away from me. And I've lost her.
"You tell me all the time that I don't care for you like I used too, you question me all the time on where I am, who I'm with. And what's worse is that if you'd just let me breathe I would be able to show you just how much I am in love with you" she says and she wipes her eyes.
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She takes my ring off and I start to cry.
"Please" I say to her.
"I'm begging you" I plead.
"Don't do this, we can work through this" I say.
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She places my ring in my hand crying her eyes out. And I'm in shock. Why now? Why does she have to leave me?
"Why Taylor" I ask.
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"Because I can't do it" she says between sobs.
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I'm speechless. I take her jaw in my hands and kiss her lips delicately. I feel her tears on my face. She kisses me back and I pull her close to me. She yields to me briefly and my heart fills with hope. I just know she loves me still. She does.
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"Why don't we just work on it" I say.
"If you want some space that's fine" I say even though it's hard for me to have her gone.
"I love you but I don't want you to be unhappy with me. And if space is what it takes then I'm for it" I say.
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"I can stay with Ross. For a while" I smile.
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"No I couldn't do that to you" she says alarmed.
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"Babe it will be fine, I'm happy to do whatever it takes" I say and I'm holding myself together. Not going to cry again.
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"It's okay, I'll stay with Rhea or my mum" she says decisively.
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"But all of your stuff is here" I say.
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"It's okay I'm not pushing you out of your home" she says.
"Honestly let's just see how it goes" she says getting her phone out.
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"Our home, Taylor. This is ours" I say to her. I take her arms and stroke them.
"I love you so much. You don't have to go anywhere" I tell her.
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She looks up at me putting her phone down. Her hands going around me, embracing me and I commit the feeling of her to memory. I know this is it for a while. I hold her back in my arms and close my eyes. Tears escape and run down my face.
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"I love you, Matty. So much. I just need some time to be me again, without you" she whispers.
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How does that even make sense?
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She looks up at me again, kisses me lightly on my lips and then she leaves to go upstairs and get her stuff together.
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