The following day I make the breakfast, carrying his coffee and bacon sandwich to the car. He grins from ear to ear and we get going. We make it to university well within time and head to psychology together. I cannot help but to glance around for Ella, but I don't see her.
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Jay occasionally glances over at me. Often smiling at me which makes me chuckle. He strokes my thigh and I'm sure we make other people sick. We can't stop touching each other, or kissing one another. I make a point of focusing on the lecture and my notes but he pulls my attention back.
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Before I know it the lecture is over. However I can't remember what it was on. I turn to Ross.
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"When's the tat" I ask smiling.
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"Its walk in so we could go before the show Friday if you like" he smiles at me.
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"That's a plan" I tell him.
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"What you getting man" Jay asks smiling openly. He's come a long way he really does try much harder to ingratiate himself with everybody and I love him for it. I smile over at him.
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"I'm getting a tribal thing on my leg over my scar" he says.
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"Nice" he replies as we're walking out. I check my phone as Rach has messaged me.
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"Lunch at mine" I say.
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"Rach and Nate are there" I clarify.
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Ross lights up and hands me his cigarette which makes me laugh as Jay was just about to do the same thing. I am spoilt. We bump into Matty, on the way and he laughs.
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"Taylor we all can't get enough of your food" Matty smiles.
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"I really don't mind at all" I laugh sarcastically.
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"Tay can you make chilli" Ross smiles.
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"Your chilli is exceptional. I'll help" Ross adds giving me his best sweet smile.
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"Sure" I smile back.
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Once we're at the block the boys head to the kitchen where the noise is coming from and Jay joins me in my room.
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Myself and Jay dump our stuff in my room and as I'm turning around to face him he smiles hands going to my hips. Lips meeting mine. Arms encircling me pulling me in.
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"I love you" he smiles breaking away.
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"Do I say that too much" he asks.
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I smile and kiss him again.
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"Not at all." I say and we head out to the kitchen linked around one another. I know we make an entrance when the others fall silent watching us by the cooker kissing. I clear my throat and then put on two bags of mince for the chilli.
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He smirks looking down at my lips.
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"I'm free next" I announce.
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"Anyone want to drink to that" I add pulling out the wine.
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"Yes Tay" Rach laughs.
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"That is more like it" she smiles joining me and having some wine.
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"Anybody else fancy a day drink" I say passing Jay a brandy. He laughs at me and sips. I don't ask if he's free next because I know he won't be. He'll bunk it anyways.
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I place the brandy on the table and a few glasses for the guys. Then I go back to the chilli and start cooking whilst sipping my wine. I turn the radio on and zone out for a bit. It's not like cooking in the lake house kitchen however with the music and the wine I can make do. I pull off my jacket and I feel Jays arms surround my waist. I'm wearing a red little crop top and skirt today. I hum the melody of the song and he sways slightly with me as I brown the mince.
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Once that's done I add the spices, kidney beans, tomatoes and chilli. I check on the rice and it looks like everything is going to be perfect. I turn to face him and smile.
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"Have I made you chilli yet?" I ask.
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"Nope I would remember " he says.
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I grab a spoon and feed him some and he sighs.
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"Wow" he says smiling.
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"That's awesome got a great kick too" he smiles.
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Once it's all ready I plate up two serving bowls allowing for everybody to help themselves. I place them in front of everybody on the table. Jay and I sit opposite each other, he's next to Nate and I'm next to Ross.
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"Thanks Tay I wish I could cook this" Rach sighs.
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"No problem" I say drinking my wine and smiling at Jay who is playing with my foot under the table.
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"Yeah thanks Tay and Jay" Nate says laughing.
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I can't help but to laugh back with him.
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"What was our lecture about this morning Ross. I couldn't focus" I say looking at him.
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"narcissism in modern society... Fuck knows" he sighs and I laugh.
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"Oh I know all about that shit" Jay laughs and I nudge him with my foot. I collect the plates and Matty stands to help me.
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"I'll wash up" Matty says smiling.
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"Thanks" I say warmly.
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I grab Jays glass and refill it. It's been a while since he got drunk. And I figure why not?
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I help Matty by drying up the plates that he has washed. I turn and light up a cigarette, lean on the side and finish my wine glancing over at Rach drapped around Nate. Ross talking to Jay most likely about tattoos. I do consider myself lucky, that beyond all of our differences and arguments we manage to maintain our little friendship group. I sigh and glance at Matty who is watching me.
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"Thanks for the chilli" he says smiling at me.
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"Matty it's no problem" I sigh.
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"You know I like cooking" I smile looking at him.
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"Would you like another" he asks eyeing my empty glass.
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"Sure" I say and he grabs the prosecco. Opens it up and pours it for me.
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"Please have some too" I say to him.
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He pours a small one for himself.
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"I've got to drive" he says.
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"How is everything" I say after a pause thinking about the house, his mum, Kim. It all seems so distant.
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"Its okay Tay, still the same really. It's different in some ways. Like I know, how to deal with it all. My art is doing great, I have so much time for it all" he laughs.
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"Would be pretty shocking if I didn't have art" he laughs.
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"How is your mum and everybody else" I ask.
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"Yeah good." He smiles.
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I face him glass of wine in my hand.
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"Do you remember that time when we saw your mum at Steve's and she was talking to us about everything?" I say drunkenly, now realising how quickly I drunk that wine before.
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"Taylor I remember it all" he sighs laughing.
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"She ugh helped me at that time, I felt so conflicted. In the sense of where I was at that stage before the... And I just wanted her to know that I'm thankful" I say deliberately not saying the word miscarriage, I was still pregnant at that time with his child.
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"Yeah I know that I sensed that at the time. You not wanting to do the whole university thing because of... I remember driving home and having you in the car and then stopping off for some craving." He smiles remembering that night. Momentarily I am in the shoes of that girl, the one who sat next to him considering a lifetime of forever.
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I laugh. Trying to brush it off. Hiding my feelings.
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"You have a good memory" I smile and pause watching him.
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"I think because of the feelings that I have attached to those memories I find it hard to remember some of them, it's like a defence mechanism where my brain says no that will hurt so no thinking " I say and that's the most honest I've been since we broke up.
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" I definitely relate to that" he says watching me. I forgot how much he looked at me until now. It's hard to escape his eyes, intense and searching.
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We go quiet for a brief second but not in an awkward way. We are facing the others, I watch Jay with Ross and he seems so happy and carefree. Talking and laughing in a way I hadn't seen for a long time if ever. When I look at him, it's hard to explain. It's like things stop for me, he is unsurprisingly very beautiful and handsome and any moment I have with anybody else seems to melt into the distance. It becomes part of the background. Part of something that isn't us. Jay and me.
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Tay and Jay. I laugh out loud. Glance over at Matty who is looking at me with a grin playing on his lips.
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"This is too much alcohol too quick" I laugh.
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He laughs back and sighs. I am so tipsy, ready to dance and sing kind of drunk.
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“Do you remember” he begins slightly leaning into me so that I can hear his soft voice.
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"You bitch" somebody exclaims from the door. Well it wouldn't be a party without some kind of drama. And of course the object of that drama is me. As per usual. Not sure I warrant it. Jay bolts up from his seat covering the distance to stand in front of me and this girl.
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"It's okay" I whisper.
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I turn to Aria, I think that’s her name, my hand on Jays arm reassuring him.
"I have done nothing but be polite to you and try to be nice to you. You are mistaken thinking that you can just come into my kitchen and swear at me for no good reason. Now please don't embarrass yourself further by making me call campus security" I say and hold my ground staring her out. Determined to start facing my own problems and defending myself.
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"You heard her" Jay says when Aria or whatever her dumb name is doesn't move.
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She huffs and makes a scene. How embarrassing for her.
“What so this is your kitchen now” she protests
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“I live here, this is actually harassment” I say. She looks at me with vengeance.
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"She will break your heart" Aria says to Matty, flicking her hair back.
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“The thing is she already has my heart” Matty replies.
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“You’re an absolute fool you could have anybody” She replies back.
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Jay pulls me into him, I am surrounded by his warmth, his affection. He’s actually a pretty affectionate guy.
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“Just leave” Matty says and his tone is serious. She turns on her heel and does just that.
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“Can we talk ? Just briefly” I say to Matty. I eye Jay he’s not the insecure type he won’t read anything into it. He hugs me tightly and lets me go.
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“Sure Tay” Matty replies. And we head outside.
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