***Taylor's POV***
~past tense~
January
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"You don't have to drop me into uni I can drive" I say feeling like I've burdened him enough already.
"What would be the point of both of us driving to and from the same place" Ross laughs and I relax a little.
We head to Ross' car and he starts up. I think of me throwing myself at him earlier in bed and cringe. I can't believe I just did that. I've wanted Ross for a long time. But not just for sex.
I glance over at him, his blonde hair and manly features. He's wearing a jumper and his leather jacket today. I am attracted to him but I'm in a complicated position right now, is it fair to get involved with him when I don't know what I want? I've loved him to an extent since I first met him.
"What are you thinking?" He says quickly glancing at me.
"I was thinking I'm sorry for trying it on with you this morning. And thanks for you know knocking me back" I say blushing.
"Taylor" he begins and I love it when he says my name like that. 65Please respect copyright.PENANATb80xRdOQh
"I've wanted you for a long time, It took all of my efforts to not get with you this morning. But I also know you're hurting right now and getting with you is gonna have to wait, until you're sure and feeling better" he says.
"Thanks" I say quietly. Why do I want him to touch me?
We park up and I search for Matty's car. I see it but he's not there, we head to psychology together for our first lecture back. I think about the fact that Matty is only a short walk away and that I could go and get him and ask him to have me back. I play out the situation in my head with all of its different possible eventualities. My favourite one is where he would hug me and kiss me and drive me home straight away. But what if he's moved on? Have I moved on from him? I literally tried it on with Ross this morning. I'm such a mess.
Jay arrives, sitting next to me noticing Ross' hand on my thigh straight away. I clear my throat and look away.
He doesn't comment, I think for once he's giving me the lead.
"Morning Jay" I say crossing my leg over. Ross moves his hand inconspicuously.
"How are you" I ask not knowing who I'm going to get today; nice Jay or mean Jay.
"Hey. I'm great yeah." He says resigned.
I look away, this is a new Jay, I decide. I'll name him bored of Taylor and her shit Jay.
The lecture begins and I zone out. I check my phone a lot. I think about texting Matty a lot. I think about everything all at once and begin to feel like my head is going to explode. I leave. Walking past Ross who looks alarmed. We're almost at the end of the lecture anyways.
When I get out of the building I wish I had my car so I could just drive off from my life and go and be somebody else.
"Hey" Ross says behind me softly.
"You wanna leave ?" He asks.
"I can drive us" he suggests.
"What's wrong?" Jay says behind him.
"Nothing honestly" I say.
"Taylor we can go back home and leave uni today it's all good" Ross says and Jay looks at me shocked.
"Ross it's okay it will be break in a minute I'm just going to go and face it all" I say. Meaning Matty.
He's quiet for a minute just watching my face and deciding whether to march me to his car.
"I'm not with Matty anymore" I blurt out mostly to Jay who is looking at me confused.
He grabbed my jacket and bag on the way out and I thank him.
Jay places my jacket around my shoulders. He then pulls me into a hug much to Ross' disgust. I yield to the feeling of his arms around me and I close my eyes briefly. Then I pull away.
"Sorry" he whispers in my ear.
I smile at him and we all walk to the canteen as if this is a normal day, well it is for them. It isn't for me.
I walk in and resolutely go to get my food first. Not checking for Matty at all.
He's there I can feel his eyes on me.
I pay and head over to the sofas. Ross has sat down next to him thankfully and I sit next to Ross, Jay is opposite me.
"Party Friday please I can't take being back already" Rach laughs.
"Taylor are you coming" she demands.
"Ugh I" I say.
"Yes you are" she laughs.
I focus on eating. There's no point arguing with her.
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Rhea heads to our table.
"You and me outside" she says and I follow her. Jay eyes me cautiously.
Once we're outside Rhea hugs me and I feel like I'm going to cry all over again.
"Ok Spill" she says.
"So we argued, and I left. He begged me not too. But it was all the time, and I don't blame him for being paranoid about Jay. But I need time to understand what I want." I say and it comes out all jumbled.
"I told Jay I loved him on New Year's Eve when I was drunk" I blurt out.
She looks at me abashed.
"Do you?" She asks.
"I don't know" I say.
"I want him Rhea. He's different with me" I say.
"I hated him and then it all changed. I found myself wanting his attention all the time. And he would casually touch me or look at me in a way that made me feel..." I say.
"Ok then you're doing the right thing." She sums up not wanting to hear all the details and I smile.
"Oh but I did love the Tay and Matty combo" she sighs.
"You know why, but I want you happy. How did you leave things" she asks wincing.
"I said we needed space and I told him that I needed to decide what I wanted. I ugh had a miscarriage" I say looking away.
"Taylor why didn't you tell me" she says and she hugs me again.
"Because we were going to keep the baby and then I woke up and the baby was gone" I sob
"And I lost it, I felt like it was my fault" I say.
She strokes my back and tells me she's here for me.
"Of course Matty was perfect the whole time, telling me he loved me, that I was amazing. But my head just can't be in that space, where my baby existed with him and my future and now it doesn't" I say confused
"I know, you're very brave and you're doing the right thing. Something tells me you will make the right decision" she says.
I exhale, relief. She always knows what's best.
"And when you're not sure wait till you are sure and then you will feel better about your decision" she explains.
"Where are you living?" She questions.
"Ross' spare room" I smile.
"Is that going okay" she laughs raising her eyebrows.
"No, it's not. But he's a gent. I propositioned him this morning. He turned me down" I laugh.
"I just wanted to feel something, now I feel so embarrassed looking at him" I say.
"Make sure everybody is aware of the deal" she says.
"And make sure you yourself don't get hurt" she explains.
"Oh and you can always stay with me, goes without saying" she adds smiling.
"But then I'll be the third wheel again" I say to her as we walk back into the canteen together. I feel closer to her than ever. I wipe my eyes and head back in with her.
Ross has moved seats leaving me to sit with Matty. I panic briefly. But then I decide I'm going to need to sit next to him and face him at some point. 65Please respect copyright.PENANAP7hqtSnvw0
I sigh resigned to my fate.
I sit down next to him and he glances up at me. I almost kiss him out of pure habit.
My cheeks redden and I feel like my body has gone all soft and wobbly.65Please respect copyright.PENANAPy9Lpfbvzr
"Taylor" he says and just his voice reminds me of everything. 65Please respect copyright.PENANA7ht4C3DwpS
"Are you hating this time apart thing as much as I am?" He laughs.
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"Yes" I say quietly.
"I can take you home" he whispers in my ear.
"Half of your stuff is at our house it would be so easy" he smiles.
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