We stayed at the lake house last night it was heaven after spending the night at my dorm. No sounds intruding my sleep. No uncomfortable small beds and I'll admit it, no cold morning showers.
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"So you've got dance and then you guys are having pizza and then it's the show" Jay smiles.
"Want me to pick you up" he asks. We're standing by the dance block.
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"No Ross will drop me off to the apartment and then we can I dunno stay there or come back here to the lake house" I smile.
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"That's a plan" he says. He's been a smidge extra clingy. That's fine, I enjoy it. He wraps his arms around me I'm wearing a black short dress and my hair is down.
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"Hmmm" I say.
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"My love I will miss you" he sighs.
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I hug him and kiss him and I don't want to ever let him go but eventually I do and I head into dance.
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***
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Ross appears at the end of rehearsals hanging at the end of the hall. His leather jacket on and a smart shirt. His blonde hair pulled back. We're getting his tattoo done before we head to the show.
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I stroll over to him pulling my hair down.
"I'll just get changed then I'll be right there" I say excited. He instantly pulls me into a hug catching me off guard smiling. I chuckle feeling somehow small and delicate in his embrace.
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When I reappear from the changing rooms we head to his car. Sitting down next to him in his car, I didn't realise would conjour up memories for me. Of when I briefly lived with him, when we slept together and there was so much potential for us.
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He smiles over at me.
"What?" He says.
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"Nothing are you nervous" I say thinking about the tattoo.
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"No because you will be there" Ross smiles.
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I laugh and he parks up. When we get out of the car we walk down the busy city street towards the tattoo shop he grasps my hand in his. I sigh and he looks down at me laughing.
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"I'm nervous now" he laughs.
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"Relax at least I'm not trying to kiss you" he laughs.
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We enter the shop and a small lady who is quite pretty greets us. Ross gives his name and we wait to be seen. I lean against the wall and he stands facing me.
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"Where is this piece of art going on your body then" I say smiling.
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"thigh over my scar" he smiles looking down at me.
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We go quiet, he just watches me.
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"Being alone with you Taylor is fucking awesome" he says quietly.
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"You are such a flirt" I sigh.
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"How have you not got a girlfriend" I laugh.
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"the one girl I like..." He begins.
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"Ross? " a burly man calls and I jump.
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Ross smiles turns and strolls into the back room my hand in his I follow him.
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I'm not sure what I was expecting. A dark gothic room maybe? But this is far from it. It's like being in a hospital room. Everything is surgically clean there's a sheet protected bed and lots of art on the walls which is perhaps the only thing that seperates it from an actual doctors surgery.
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The tattoo artist is an older guy with a full sleeve of different pieces of art on his arm. He has a genuine smile.
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"This your first?" He asks.
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"sure is" Ross says cooly.
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"I'll hold his hand" I laugh.
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"Would you like one?" He asks and I squirm.
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"Take a look" he nods at the catalogue and I actually consider it grabbing a small book.
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"Right at first it hurts like a bitch. But then after about ten minutes you will zone out to it. eaten today?" the guy says.
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" yeah around an hour ago" Ross says laying back his trousers are off and I avert my eyes.
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I go and hold his hand taking the book with me. I'm flicking through the pages when I see a small treble cleff tattoo that catches my eye. I stare at it for a while imagining where I would put it. Ribs? Ankle?
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"I want this" I smile at ross.
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He looks up at me smiling.
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"Would suit you" he says.
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"hows it feeling boss" the tattooist says.
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"All good" Ross grimaces.
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"Looks great Ross" I say looking down.
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"Awesome actually." I add smiling at him and he looks at me with love.
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I glance at the artist.
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"How much for the treble cleff on my forearm" I laugh impulsively.
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"Only an extra 20 on top of his one" he says.
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"You want it I'll get it" Ross says.
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"Yours will be done in 20 minutes or so, yours is quicker" he says looking at me.
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The rest of the appointment I watch Ross lay there unflinching. I realise I'm holding onto him more than he is me. I look down at the tribal work he is getting done in awe. The piece over the scar works well. He grits his teeth when the needle goes over the scar and I squeeze his hand.
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"What happened boss" the guy says asking about the scar.
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"Motorbike accident in the snow, this one saved my life" he says.
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"Ah what a keeper" he says smiling. He covers the tattoo with a cling film wrap and Ross is done.
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"Your go" Ross says sitting up facing me. He lightly brushes my cheek with his lips and I sigh.
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"Okay you two let me clean and sterilise then I'll be ready for the next one" the tattooist says.
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We head back to the waiting area.
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"Feeling okay?" I ask him.
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"Great, it doesn't hurt now." He says.
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The lady gives him a sheet that says aftercare. He reads it as she's going through it with him and pays for both mine and his.
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"Ready miss" the guy says again and we walk back through. The area has been cleaned and he shows me a new sterile packaged needle.
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I realise I'm wearing a dress and curse myself. I unzip it a little and fold it down. The artist tells me to lay on my side and works on positioning the cleff where I want it. He asks me to look in the mirror at the template and when I see it I fall in love with it. It's small and dainty and just on the side of my forearm.
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"Looks awesome" Ross says smiling.
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"Love it" I say and lay back down as instructed.
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Ross comes over and holds my hand.
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"You'll be okay" he smiles. I feel the burning pain on my skin and for whatever bizarre reason I laugh.
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"Oh that's sensitive" I say chuckling.
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Ross laughs clearly finding this adorable. Mine takes a significant amount of time less than his because of the size. I do zone out to the initial discomfort and end up staring at Ross the whole time. He rubs my hand in his, watching me back.
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We're so close, always have been and probably always will be. We have a relationship that's stands the test of time. One that desperately needs boundaries but I can never seem to place them up against him.
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Once I'm done the artist wraps mine and instructs both of us to leave the wraps over them for at least four hours. We are also told to lightly wash the tattoo in the evening with non scented soap.
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"No rubbing, no scratching, no towels. Pat it dry and let it air out. If it gets real itchy put some cream on it" he says and hands us both some healing cream.
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"Thanks" I say and we head out with our fresh tattoos.
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Once we're walking down the street to the pizza place it dawns on me that I, Taylor Elena Harris, just got a tattoo. What an impulsive thing to do. I can't wait to show Jay.
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I turn to Ross.
"Can't believe we just did that together" I say laughing.
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"You're legit the coolest girl I know to impulsively, no preplanning go and get a tattoo done" he sighs holding the door open for me.
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"I saw it and it meant something to me" I say.
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The Italian restaurant we're in is sweet and there's music playing faintly in the background. We are seated near a wall with beautiful artwork, which I ogle straight away.
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"Wanna share" I laugh.
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"Yes what toppings do you want" he smiles.
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"Chicken, chilli beef and onion" I laugh.
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"Perfect" he sighs watching me.
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He orders some wine and an extra large sharing pizza. Some garlic bread, salad and bread and water for the table.
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"You're hungry" I laugh flicking my hair back off my shoulders.
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"I hit the gym today. Before I met you at dance then I washed up for the tattoo" he smiles.
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"Have you been doing that more" I ask remembering his chest this morning.
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"Yes" he smiles.
"Helps me focus" he says.
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"That's great I like the tattoo by the way how did you come up with it" I ask.
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"I saw some art in a book randomly actually and it had like these tribal vines and I saw it and it clicked and I was like that's it" he laughs pushing his hair back away from his eyes, a gesture I'm accustomed too. His eyes hold wonder and so many questions. Questions I couldn't possibly answer for him.
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"I love it" I say smiling. I look back simply. I pause looking down at the wine glass in front of me, deliberating.
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"I wanted the symbol of a musical clef tattooed because it's the start of a piece of music. The beginning if you like, everything goes on from there. Like an introduction to a story, what comes after is undetermined, or better yet still to be decided. And whether the music that follows sounds beautiful, It kind of doesn't happen without the clef. It's symbolic of that for me, everything has a start" I say finally looking back at him. Oversharing is a flaw I remind myself. Ross should think me crazy but somehow his eyes tell me otherwise.
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He smiles, an easy natural expression that takes me back to the first time I met him. To a younger version of ourselves, full of potential. Blinded by youth. I shake that memory off. Focus. Sentimentality is pulling me under. We could have stayed that way for a long time; lived out a life and carved our own way together. But we didn't.
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"I can see why you would want that" he says staring directly into my matching blue eyes. He always validates my choices.
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"Taylor, I have to ask you something" he sighs. I had been looking at the frame on the wall above him. Not his eyes anywhere but there. I pull my eyes back to his face.
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"Do you" he begins scraping his hair back again. He looks at me with hope and false confidence.
Do I love him? I watch his eyes, they tell me more than his mouth ever did. I think about the smile that erased my misery, the laugh that made me feel free and the embrace that kept me steady. Ross George Peterson, he's always been more of an Edgar than a Heathcliff. The person that forces me to falter with my own boundaries.
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"Do you ever think we will be able to work this out or find some kind of resolve" he says softly. 'This' means us. This is a loaded question.
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"It's like you have one foot securely in my life, and occasionally you show me that you want to walk right back in. And other times I'm not so sure. And you know that I will always keep my guards down and my doors open." He smiles giving me his best stare. I like his analogy. Yet this is where we differ, I like uncertainty I view it as potential. He likes making decisions, he lives in crystal clear clarity.
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"I once told you that I would be there for you in any capacity. In any situation, I've showed you that through my actions. I will always be there. But I question sometimes whether being so readily available to you is the problem in itself" he reasons. He's talking out loud. I know him.
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I look at him seeing somebody who is at a crossroads, at the precipice of a decision to be made based on me and my actions. What an honour. Mr true blue, who would walk with me for the rest of my days. He offers me the world, through his rose tinted glasses. Yet it's still not enough.
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"Maybe we need more pages in our book." I say giving him my full attention.
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"More words to put together, I don't know I think we're writing it all perfectly as it is" I say quietly. I find excitement in the unknown, like the beginning of a symphony.
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"Stories always work out by the end" I say. There I go again digging further into the unknown. Providing dreams to a person who wants reality.
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He sighs stroking my hand across the table. His eyes glimmer with hope. And I can be sure of one thing. This isn't over.
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