As my tears slowly seemed to start running dry, my mom pulled herself back as her hands took hold of my jawline and gazed into what were likely reddened eyes. The pair of eyes I had been so afraid of looking at me differently were doing just that, looking at me differently. It just hadn't been in the way I thought or expected. They weren't the eyes of judgement or suspicion, they were the eyes of helplessness.
"Things are going to be different from now on. I promise, Lynn." my mom took my hair into her palm in between a short pause. "I'm going to spending less time at work, so we can spend more time together. We'll talk until our mouths fall off and we'll make up for all that lost time."
It was easy enough to pinpoint that she was holding back on something, and my gut told me that it had involved me in some way. As I looked back at her, she must have picked up on the fact that I already picked up on something as her hesitance seemed to vanish. It was serious to her, at the very least, even I was able to tell that much. We always seemed butt heads and didn't talk much, but she was still my mom. I knew something was off when something was off.
"I've got good news and some bad, I guess. I'm just not sure if it's okay to tell you." she dropped her hands. "I've taken Grace's parents to court for custody, and I hired that Neurologist that one of her doctors mentioned."
I was shocked again, for the second time that day. My mom always seemed to be indifferent about Grace after her attempted suicide, so I hadn't really seen that coming from her. I could only wonder, what had driven her to do either? ". . .The bad?"
"I don't really know if it's a surprise or not, but your father and I are getting a divorce." she answered as her fingers searched for something to do. ". . .He said he would rather be dead than have a gay daughter. So, I threw him and all of his shit out."
I didn't feel anything from those words, even if those very syllables had come from someone I used to consider a parent. Maybe it was because some small part of me knew they would have come out at some point, or maybe I had just long prepared myself for it, but I didn't feel much of anything. His words and his opinions stopped mattering to me when he was nowhere to be seen during the times I needed him the most. His words and feelings, his opinions, they were all as meaningless as the dirt on the bottom of my shoes.
He could've died if he wanted, because I wasn't going to change for him or for anyone else. I wasn't going to change unless I wanted it, unless I felt the need to be better. I wasn't going to wish him death, but our ties had been severed. I wasn't his daughter and he wasn't my father. I would've wished him the best and would have been on my way, but it was a relationship that was never going to be repaired. Never again would I let him in, especially after that.
I wouldn't wish him death, but he was dead to me.
I wiped my eye as I looked back up. "You should've burned it all."
"I really should have." she extended her leg, softly laughing. "Things are going to be better from now on. I promise, sweetie."
I paused, biting my lip. I had apologized profusely as I buried my head into her chest and let her shirt absorb the tears that fell, but it felt like I hadn't said enough. That I hadn't told her enough. "I'm sorry for everything, Mom. I really am."
The wordless shaking of her head had said it all. Her wordless actions continued as both of her hands took mine, and that had been when I felt something different. It was warm, but not like what I felt with Nathan. It was strong, but not the same kind of strength that I thought Grace had. It was beautiful, but not in the way someone looked or appeared. It was beautiful in the way it felt, the feeling itself.
That feeling, it was love and it was belonging, it was warmth and strength. It was the human connection. Everything I felt so far away from for so long was right in front of me. That sense of being wanted and needed had shown themselves, but would they last, or were they temporary like everything I had ever loved in my life? The things I loved had always come to be hurt or broken, irreparably damaged, and I wanted to believe that things would change right then and there. I wanted to believe, but what had changed, what was different?
The truth was out to my mom, but that hadn't changed the fact that nothing was different. There was nothing to stop me from falling off a ledge, and there wasn't a stop sign to make me think about the things I did, the things I chose to do. There wasn't a red light that would stop me in my tracks long enough to put me in my place. I obviously hadn't wanted to hurt the people I loved, I didn't want to break everything I touched or enjoyed. The only way to change that carried a simple answer, I had to change myself.
Changing myself was easy to say, but what exactly did it mean? It was a pair of words that held far more questions than it did answers, especially for me. I was able to say that I didn't want to hurt people or break the things I touch, but what type of person was that? Would that type of person been a person that I wanted to be? Even then, what type of person was I supposed to be when I wasn't sure of what I used to be?
"Mom, can you tell Brian something for me?" I brushed my hair back and let my head circle the room.
"Of course."
Aside from my mom and I, there wasn't another soul in the office. Rebecca and Nathan were gone, they had left at some point without either of us noticing. Maybe Rebecca wanted to respect her boundaries, even if she had already known everything, or perhaps she just wanted to give us space to do what was necessary - whatever "necessary" may have been. Either way, we had been alone. Together.
How long had I lied in her arms? The tears had refused to stop falling as her constraints on me only tightened, and that made it hard to move, to leave the spot I was in. That hold on me kept me still as time became a non-factor, disappearing like the sense of self I had lost while running away from it all.
"Tell him that I know about Lindsey."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
After a single nod, my mom hadn't said another word about that name. It was obvious that she knew who I was talking about, and made no attempt to hide it. I was probably the only one who hadn't known anything about it. Brian had probably told everyone to keep it away from me, thinking that I didn't need to be around it or even know about it. What made me so different from everyone else? That was all I wanted to know.
That was it, and that was how it stayed as my mom followed me out of the office. A short pair of hallways later, I found myself back in a lounge room that was packed to hilt with tension as Joanna glared at Nathan, who now had the glowing red mark of a handprint on his cheek. I could only watch in wonder as to what happened between them while I wasn't in the room. Did Nathan say something, or did Joanna have pent up anger built up towards him?
"You're an asshole, Nathan." Joanna shot daggers.
Nathan coldly turned to his left and made headway for the main exit without a word, until he met the door. "Go fuck yourself, or should I say sell?"
With a slacked jaw, Joanna's pained, shaky eyes could only watch as Nathan shoved the door open and just as quickly disappeared from sight. Jay jumped off the back of the couch and ran his fingers through his hair as his eyes went from me to my mom, then back to Joanna. Following his eyes, I turned to my mom who pointed at the door as soon as she noticed me looking. It was interesting to see that expression on her face. It was a rare one her.
She wanted to follow Nathan, probably to figure out what happened. Well, that and he was probably her ride, though I doubt Nathan would have just left her behind. It almost seemed as though she really was trying to start over, to plant her feet on earth and not in the world of work. Maybe that new start was temporarily playing the parent of someone else, or maybe it wasn't, but she was still attempting to be better. The same couldn't be said about myself.
She waved. "I'll come back this weekend, okay?"
Blowing me a kiss like I was a five-year-old, she followed the exit Nathan had taken. I turned back to see if Joanna was okay and figure out what the hell had happened between them, but she had vanished along with Rebecca, who I was only able to assume followed after her. In the matter of what felt like a minute, it had gone from five to two, leaving Jay and I in what had still been something of an awkward air.
Earlier that afternoon, I forced myself onto Jay without a single conceivable reason. It was just a single instant, but he felt like a magnet. I was being pulled closer and closer, without a choice. In that instant, I was very faintly attracted to him in the same way I was to Grace, but it hadn't been nearly as intense and it never would've been. That feeling of being attracted to someone outside of Grace, in all honesty, scared me. It really did. My feelings for Grace started small and then bloomed into something huge, something inexplicable.
I didn't want the same to happen with him. . .or did I?
A short stroll to the couch resulted in me falling onto my back and looking at a clean, white roof. What happened in the office with my mom had drained me of everything I had, and the drama didn't make calming down much easier. The room went from tension-filled to completely soft and silent, leaving just us alone. I could have easily passed out right on that couch, which was rare for me, who had a hard time sleeping period. While I wasn't an insomniac, there were times I definitely felt like one, where nothing I did seemed to help me get to sleep.
"You look like shit." Jay looked down from the back of the couch.
"No shit, Sherlock." I found myself too tired to be creative.
Jay cracked a snicker while looking at me. "Well, I mean, you do look good on your back."
As he laughed to himself, my left leg reached out and sent a foot into his shoulder. Exposed teeth and the ends of his lips pointing upwards, which had only further stated the obvious. Jay was joking, and I knew that much as soon as he said it because of his tone. That wasn't what surprised me at all, not in the least. It was the fact that a smile was sitting on my face and it wasn't the tiniest bit forced.
I mindlessly bit down on my lip. "Shut up."
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