"You look good today." Grace muttered. "That ass in those jeans is unfair."
Lying in the grass, I let my eyes roll back and watch Grace bounce a soccer ball on her knee like some would see a player do, even though I had rarely ever seen her use one. She was the type of person who could pick literally anything up and be good at it instantly. That was something that never changed about her as she grew up, everything from schoolwork to sports to music had all come easy to her - a natural at absolutely everything.
"Stop lying." my eyes reflexively dropped to remind myself of what I put on.
If anything, what I was wearing was a little too simple for what I wanted to wear around her. All I had on was a pair of black jeans that might have been tight enough to cause blood circulation issues and a sleeveless, deep v-neck that was probably just a little too deep. It might have been a little provocative, but I wasn't wearing it for other people to see. I was wearing what I was wearing because I was with her, because I didn't want her to lose interest in me.
Even when she'd already told me so many times that she hadn't cared how I looked, I seemed bent on convincing myself otherwise. Grace was too good for me in every way, and I that knew that better than anyone ever could have. Somewhere, at some point, I had convinced myself that I needed to be my best in every sense of the word. The way I dressed, ate, and thought had all changed for her - all so I could the person she deserved.
I was a dog on a leash when it came to her, and I hadn't minded in the least. As long as it was her, she could have pulled me around the world and I would've been fine with that, too. At the end of the day, it was less about love and friendship, and more about just wanting to be around her. Maybe she would've stopped loving me someday, but that never would've changed the fact that I just wanted to be in her life.
But as long as I was the target of her feelings, I would have done all I could to be the person she deserved.
Sitting up, I pushed myself off of the grass and onto my feet as she continued bouncing the ball with her knee and foot. If she hadn't found music, she would have been just as successful as an athlete. She could've played soccer or basketball and been a star on either one of the teams, yet she still chose a guitar instead. Perhaps Grace was just that confident in her musical ability, or maybe she wanted to throw all caution to the wind and do what she wanted to do, but she had to know sports were the more realistic long-term option. Even so, she chose what she loved to do over a future that could have paid more.
Maybe other people viewed it differently, but it was nothing outside of dazzling to me. Her confidence in not only her talent, but in herself was something that always took my breath away. She always left me speechless, breathless whenever she smiled or did something amazing, and those were both things she seemed to do every single day. Just once, just once I wanted to be the one who left her speechless, to be the one who left her without breath.
I wanted her to feel the blooming spring that I felt in my chest every day - a beautiful, flowery spring she created every time she looked my way.
"Shut up." Grace let the ball hit the ground as she took large, menacing steps forward until she was in my face, her index finger and thumb holding my chin in place. "I've never lied to you, so don't spit in my face by implying that I do."
As long as I had known Grace, I had never seen the atmosphere she was giving off. It was as little as the tightness she was holding my chin with, and as big as the seriousness her eyes were glaring at me with. I hadn't ever seen anything like it from her, and I wasn't sure how I felt about it. It was a brand new part of her, but it was a scary one. The intensity, the strength of her glare had become something else entirely.
That was, until the sides of her mouth began to curl upwards and transform into a grin. "Or maybe I have. Who knows?"
Even as the teasing, playful tone of her voice lingered in my ears, she looked to her left and turned back, bringing my mouth closer to hers. It was just a quick, sloppy, completely one-sided kiss from her as she just as quickly pulled away from me and skipped back to her soccer ball - all while biting that bright pink bottom lip. I couldn't speak because she had just left me speechless again. I couldn't inhale the oxygen around me because she had left me breathless again. That simple, unbalanced kiss only left me in a world of my own.
Grace sent the black and white ball to me with her heel, looking over her shoulder as it made light contact with my shoe. "Hey, can I ask a weird question?"
"I guess?" I tapped the ball back with the tip of my shoe, warily waiting for it to somehow find its way back to my face.
"What would you do if I died?" Grace kicked the ball back again, sending it to my other foot this time.
The ball slowly rolled past my left foot as her question nearly caused my brain to blow a fuse and go into some kind of emotional overload. Honestly, that hadn't been a question that I ever wanted to answer or would ever answer if I had any say whatsoever. It wasn't something I could answer without either completely exposing myself or clearly lying to her. Grace knew exactly what I would say, probably down to the very last word, but I suppose she wanted to hear it from the horse's mouth.
I shook my head, letting my bangs fall. "Isn't it obvious?"
Her teasing had been out in full force and was showing no signs of any sudden halt.
"I'd die, too."
+++++
Opening my eyes to a pale blue wall, I sat myself up and made my upper body a swivel as I turned to see where I was. It became obvious pretty quickly that I had fallen asleep in the lounge room, the same room I had spoken with Jay in earlier and the same room Joanna had smacked Nathan across the face in. There was only dead silence, just me and the blanket covering my body while gray clouds seemed to take over the midnight blue sky outside.
The last thing I really remembered was leaning into Jay and saying that I hadn't wanted to fight anymore. If I leaned into him and I woke up here, had that meant I fell asleep on him? Had I really left myself defenseless to another guy? Even if I had reasons to trust Jay, how well had I really known him? Even if it felt like Jay was telling the truth about everything, how did I know they were true?
Jay always seemed to take his mask off when he talked to me, but was I able to do the same? Had I done the same, or did I just tell him what I wanted him to know? Over that past year, I had turned into the very things I was told to never be, I turned into the very things I was told to despise. It really hadn't been a stretch to say that I was everything a parent never wanted their children to be, but I was those things. I was a failure and I had been given up on, or so I chose to believe.
Deep in my own state of thought, I almost hadn't caught Joanna speed through the lounge room and to the door that led outside. Her face was hidden by side-swept bangs and an aptitude for looking down as she passed by in baggy clothes. It was almost like she hadn't even noticed my presence as she stormed through the room and out of the door, without a single eye going in either direction.
Getting off the couch, I followed her to the door she just left through and peaked through the window. Even through the window and the untimely darkness that the night sky provided, I could clearly see Joanna sitting on a rock as her face slowly met her right hand. The dullest tool in the shed would've been able to figure out what she was doing, and even at a stone's throw away from her, it was obvious to me.
Momentarily, I stood in place and wondered if it was okay to go out there, to talk to her in the same way she had done with me. The difference this time was that it was between her and Nathan. They grew up together, just like Grace and I had. Did I have any place to intervene in that, in their business? I had no idea what Nathan said to her, and I had no idea if she would've told me, but what I did know was that I should have at least made an attempt in trying to help them both.
Even if it came with a cost.
I had every chance to reach out for Grace, but I was buried too deep in the quicksand that was my own self-loathing and pity. If I had a say, I wasn't going to let someone I was able to help out suffer alone. Even then, I wasn't some social justice warrior or anything like that. I just had my regrets and hoped that helping someone other than myself would've given me some level of forgiveness by Grace. It was still for my own selfish reasons, that much about me hadn't changed.
A small push from me had forced the door open and let me step out into what was surprisingly chilly air that was shared with an equally crisp breeze. I slowly inched my feet forward as I tried to formulate something to say to her, something that someone who knew what they were doing would say. Honestly, there probably wasn't much I could've said to her that she hadn't already thought about herself. Perhaps my being there was useless.
"I told Nathan the truth, that I whored myself out for drugs." Joanna seemed to ever so slightly collect herself as soon as she caught my presence. "All he said to me was 'Must've been easy. Aren't you used to being on your back?'"
Nathan had always been in love with this girl, and only he, himself, knew how he felt after hearing those words come from her mouth. He probably felt anger, he probably felt the same helplessness that he suffered through with me, he felt like he could have done something different. If I kept looking at it that way, it slowly became clearer that my clinging to Nathan had been at fault for what she did to herself, for what she got addicted to.
If I hadn't pulled Nathan in every which way, he likely would have been there to stop her from doing it at all. If I just left Nathan alone, I wouldn't have broken someone else. Everything I cared about went sour or broke into tiny, hopeless pieces, and this had just been another addition to the pile. I was irreparable, there wasn't any fixing of the misfortune I carried within every fiber of my being.
"I'm not rich like him or you or Jay. If I wanted to get high, I needed to fuck someone for the money. I know it was my fault that I got addicted to the shit in the first place, but doesn't he think that I would have much rather just stolen money from my parents or taken it out of my bank account?" she tried to wipe her eyes as a seemingly relentless flood of sobbing continued. "He hates me now, he didn't even want to look at me. I just want him to know that I regret everything, that I want to it over again."
That night by the pool, Nathan had admitted to being in love with her to me, and I never did actually plan on telling her. That was his thing and it never would have been my place to spill the beans for him, or so I thought. Even if what Joanna had done wasn't right, how had she deserved that from him? Shouldn't he have treated me the same way, if that was the case? That cruel comment wasn't what he truly meant to say, and I think she knew that in a deep, hidden part of her.
"That's impossible."
Sitting down and slowly falling to my back, my eyes glossed over the night sky.
"Because he's in love with you."
ns 172.70.134.152da2
