許多時候,我會莫名其妙感到憂鬱難過。明明沒有發生過特別事情,我的憂鬱難過於旁人彷彿無病呻吟。於是,可以開解我的只能是我自己。我會獨處或散步,調整心情。
「去哪?」115Please respect copyright.PENANABHYoB0zgxE
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「急事。」115Please respect copyright.PENANANar59Yvua1
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「你不吃晚餐?」115Please respect copyright.PENANA68aSu94MSi
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我沒應答,逕自出門。115Please respect copyright.PENANAccng9Z9qpS
115Please respect copyright.PENANABCE1JHgmI7
冬夜六時。厚衣下的溫暖身軀與袒露的臉和手,不協調感令我忐忑不安。115Please respect copyright.PENANAhapxLyNCfr
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難以言喻的鬱悶。115Please respect copyright.PENANAAVh3EFDJTk
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長嘆。115Please respect copyright.PENANAt7myLnMuXv
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「紅萬。」我邊說邊掏出八達通。115Please respect copyright.PENANAq94MibXRWz
115Please respect copyright.PENANAqrB2D5ds78
店員爽快從身後陳列架取來貨品,熟練在收銀機屏幕上點點按按,然後給我贈品——果汁味肉乾三小包。我有意無意瞄了瞄她的臉。大眾臉,過目即忘。115Please respect copyright.PENANALBIQz0oiuN
115Please respect copyright.PENANAIwljPjiiYW
「不需要贈品?」她驀地抬眼,與我眼神對上。是發現我的無禮目光嗎?115Please respect copyright.PENANAjo2UmFxYTz
115Please respect copyright.PENANAG3Q2ls2EGU
「我……錯認是口香糖。」我慌忙編個爛藉口,連忙接過香菸和肉乾。115Please respect copyright.PENANAV7kK77aSvA
115Please respect copyright.PENANAPDfHK4jRCQ
她假笑,沒再搭理我,拿起抹布四處抹。115Please respect copyright.PENANAjW3BHL4P27
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我走出光線充足的便利店,重踏漆黑夜空下的大街。115Please respect copyright.PENANAGNbtlhhIKk
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另一種不協調。另一種忐忑,另一種不安。115Please respect copyright.PENANAbNrTMDdIJ7
115Please respect copyright.PENANAZJvlUiEjEI
櫥窗五光十色,路人絡繹不絕。人潮亂中有序,不約而同在紅色燈號前止住,然後在綠色燈號亮起當刻同時邁步。一致得神奇,一致得可怕。並肩而行的男男女女在過路以後分道揚鑣,不為曾經的遇見生起任何印象或猶豫。115Please respect copyright.PENANAaZGOd47LUd
115Please respect copyright.PENANAsdIfmVdzbU
心血來潮,我莫名其妙拐到小巷去。115Please respect copyright.PENANA2KtWbfyoeh
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污水,雜物,廚餘,鼠餌,坑渠。115Please respect copyright.PENANAWebJU9tu6B
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髒,亂,腐,毒,臭。115Please respect copyright.PENANA2u7zXbV6vp
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為何要到這種地方來?不是捷徑,不知盡頭何處,不懷目的……115Please respect copyright.PENANAohTtiLALmA
115Please respect copyright.PENANABus8fnyCX8
小巷盡處是另一小巷,盡頭以後是另一開始。路接路,走又走。不停前行,像是正在找出口;絕不回頭,像是不打算找到真正出口。115Please respect copyright.PENANAqBmTSO9pPl
115Please respect copyright.PENANAnjGemQxkGv
厭煩日常走過的路,不欲重覆。若問想要到甚麼地方去,其實我沒有答案。很奇妙。眼下似乎有很多選擇,實質一切已成定局。那是大街,這是小巷。大街在明,小巷在暗。大街繁華,小巷冷清。115Please respect copyright.PENANAuYLO1X7dlz
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註定的。115Please respect copyright.PENANAuwXt3Hanuk
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冷清小巷盡頭會有好東西麼?我不相信,亦不願輕言不相信。115Please respect copyright.PENANA4qreH5EQ0h
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汪——汪——嗚——拐角傳來狗隻悲鳴。115Please respect copyright.PENANATv3Novlx7K
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停步。猶疑。115Please respect copyright.PENANAGrIYoYD5F9
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惻隱?慈悲?然後呢?根本沒有然後,因為我自顧不暇。115Please respect copyright.PENANAfPanivVoro
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轉身。115Please respect copyright.PENANAu5peRfaUwA
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汪——汪——嗚——拐角狗隻再次悲鳴。115Please respect copyright.PENANAKNl3q5NM3k
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我回身走去。115Please respect copyright.PENANAcvcFA3ZObP
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惻隱?慈悲?不,好奇罷。115Please respect copyright.PENANAZfDV43k9hq
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把小狗抱入懷內。115Please respect copyright.PENANAf07BQfLJnx
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「暖和沒?」我傻傻自語——嘴巴極需要說話理由。115Please respect copyright.PENANA2rkg8SSfNG
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陣風從後疾過,寒意夾雜水氣與鹹香。115Please respect copyright.PENANAqrzOuxqGZu
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海風?海濱公園步道?115Please respect copyright.PENANAxZvo8yj4uq
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「一起散步去吧。」我沒期望小狗會回答,但我需要溜達原因。115Please respect copyright.PENANAQRKAnwyUuf
115Please respect copyright.PENANA8uJSZUgvYc
多拐兩個彎,我帶著小狗在兩幢高樓之間走出來,恰巧看見銀月自海平面升起。清澄,純淨,圓滿。115Please respect copyright.PENANAfhUQrv2oaJ
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「看!這是月亮。」我指天示意小狗往上望去。115Please respect copyright.PENANAj0XSNbQYvw
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汪——牠回答,但沒有依指示抬頭。115Please respect copyright.PENANAB0tBugHsSW
115Please respect copyright.PENANAGtahXMGZTG
「找個好地方坐坐吧!」為免小狗中途跑掉,我微微拉下外套拉鏈,把小狗往內塞。牠沒反抗,甚至懂得稍為伸出頭部,方便呼吸和看風景。我真慶幸剛才沒有對牠視若無睹:「乖。」115Please respect copyright.PENANA00oXrsFgfu
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銀月清冷,步道冷清,寧靜。心跳規律,呼吸有序,乏味。回憶很多,未知更多,迷惘。115Please respect copyright.PENANAFJdHKs2XNj
115Please respect copyright.PENANAOcbhBSImN5
「我上一次來海濱公園是小學畢業後的那個暑假。與幾個特別要好的男生相約到來踩roller,跌了幾跤,膝蓋流血。明明怕血,明明怕痛,偏偏為保面子而強說無事,硬撐一整天。結果翌日膝蓋腫黑大片,痛得要命,不得不到醫院求醫。結果在醫院留醫足足兩個月,九月中才可到新學校上課。」我在路邊長椅坐下,拆開一包贈品肉乾給小狗充飢,報答牠聽我發牢騷。115Please respect copyright.PENANA6I5GaCJ97Y
115Please respect copyright.PENANABgt4plBqrt
「留醫期間,我生氣朋友們不來探望我,打算出院後臭罵他們一頓。出院後,我忙於學校課業,忘記致電他們,然後順理成章忘記他們。當我再次想起他們,已是高中畢業的事。」我點菸,一吸一呼,虛假短暫的舒爽。「其實沒甚麼大不了,無需要記在腦袋裡。但事情就是發生過,不是說忘記就可以忘記。」115Please respect copyright.PENANApGA6QmrirP
115Please respect copyright.PENANAmYPrMoGOIw
記憶零碎,思路紊亂。嘴巴想要表達更多,無奈腦袋運轉不來,沒能將感受化為言語……算了吧。反正小狗根本沒興趣聽下去。115Please respect copyright.PENANAAR5apIfVkG
115Please respect copyright.PENANApStKYJQOhG
「你似乎對肉乾比較有興趣。」我又拆開一包肉乾予牠。牠吃得津津有味,舌頭不時舔舔嘴邊,甚至舔到小小鼻頭。115Please respect copyright.PENANA8xGyPnCB5H
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我笑,笑牠傻氣可愛。115Please respect copyright.PENANABLE3Jg16xe
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又吸一口虛假短暫的舒爽。又呼一口難以言喻的鬱悶。115Please respect copyright.PENANAHvmxyNVnff
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鬱悶何來?115Please respect copyright.PENANAYdh2GbeOA9
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學業壓力?愛情煩惱?家庭不和?115Please respect copyright.PENANAxKZFJlFWmf
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也許統統都是,也許統統不是。115Please respect copyright.PENANAtNItKZBsfI
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多件零星不順心瑣碎事湊在一起成為一股無法消弭的鬱悶。115Please respect copyright.PENANALNuWEuCI29
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有如一根經過繁複工序生產的香菸。115Please respect copyright.PENANAQ2NlJvb5Y3
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有如一塊由豬肉、糖、鹽、增味劑、醬油、香辛料、護色劑、色素組成的肉乾。115Please respect copyright.PENANAIBm9crU7Fe
115Please respect copyright.PENANABTvZzTp5ga
「好吃吧。」我又拆開一包肉乾。趁小狗專心咬嚼,我彈走菸屁股,將牠從懷裡抽出,來個深深擁抱。115Please respect copyright.PENANAotYlnjVz55
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然後呢?根本沒有然後。115Please respect copyright.PENANAlIIeTPBONX
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我輕輕放下小狗,動身邁步離開。115Please respect copyright.PENANAggD7sUwkjB
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正如牠知道我身上沒有更多肉乾,自然而然不會跟上來。
註:此篇會另收錄於短篇小說合集《雜念集》
ns 172.70.179.143da2