My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 171Please respect copyright.PENANAuCaRwxAUai
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"171Please respect copyright.PENANAfHoHhPKOxB
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)171Please respect copyright.PENANAAvaquw3u6V
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."171Please respect copyright.PENANA37I0cH01Cp
Hmm... 171Please respect copyright.PENANAyHrrjCjoZN
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 171Please respect copyright.PENANAtgKsg0XRAF
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 171Please respect copyright.PENANACSYT0uopCK
"You can have have all the adult toys."171Please respect copyright.PENANA24pVPAyxyK
Except for the pecker enhancer!171Please respect copyright.PENANA1QpedZ8ApB
"That's all I need..."171Please respect copyright.PENANAhE553amIod
"Wait!"171Please respect copyright.PENANAY32VOj7mfO
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?171Please respect copyright.PENANAz4spX7b77w
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 171Please respect copyright.PENANAG3PMH1fPd1
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 171Please respect copyright.PENANACgNfY3jawf
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)171Please respect copyright.PENANAYshB23gjoQ
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"171Please respect copyright.PENANABJtt9YV6xg
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"171Please respect copyright.PENANAphB3xluNhu
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!171Please respect copyright.PENANAseVtw3CDba
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?171Please respect copyright.PENANAU8WsERx6Gr
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!171Please respect copyright.PENANAA2pZKhwGmv
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 171Please respect copyright.PENANADw6Ynw830k
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...171Please respect copyright.PENANAxwX77HK1Bk
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...171Please respect copyright.PENANAbbBohPOLyo
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you171Please respect copyright.PENANAxxNbeeBRQG
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.171Please respect copyright.PENANADZZU9JEeu8
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.171Please respect copyright.PENANAG6fu7hQUae
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"171Please respect copyright.PENANAN0v19S72mc
(Sarah laughs)171Please respect copyright.PENANAJuawSxl8Wv
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."171Please respect copyright.PENANAnwII5UbG8z
"Gosh Darn!"171Please respect copyright.PENANAwKPMaYTACA
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...171Please respect copyright.PENANA6hUea4RC1R
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 171Please respect copyright.PENANAcy3IwYsw9N
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)171Please respect copyright.PENANAAM8LPo9Mfe
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"171Please respect copyright.PENANA0LE5Bml6mU
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 171Please respect copyright.PENANAYIygakxCwb
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."171Please respect copyright.PENANAnAobGnoPn0
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 171Please respect copyright.PENANAj4blKvypFh
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.171Please respect copyright.PENANAvaVZGhaNdM
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...171Please respect copyright.PENANAhNylmEN5iH
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"171Please respect copyright.PENANA3vZAcygZKf
(Sarah says what)171Please respect copyright.PENANAenpZwxnnEW
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."171Please respect copyright.PENANAvG1ElhsPeL
(he laughs and Sarah winks)171Please respect copyright.PENANAD9ioAjkm0H
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 171Please respect copyright.PENANAPgrHW7SEO6
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 171Please respect copyright.PENANA8jJlcDHM2X
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"171Please respect copyright.PENANA8fP1wE4l4o
(Keith laughs hard)171Please respect copyright.PENANAxR7gRZP8Me
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"171Please respect copyright.PENANA8TMjGhvnxa
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.171Please respect copyright.PENANABLyx895pSv
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)171Please respect copyright.PENANALufmIu23ds
Honey,171Please respect copyright.PENANANq9t0ioYqt
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 171Please respect copyright.PENANArJF5pNn3GI
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?171Please respect copyright.PENANAlOs9Nw5P4z
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!171Please respect copyright.PENANAsPjj7siiph
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)171Please respect copyright.PENANAHXCucxGnIx
Keith says,171Please respect copyright.PENANAB5JhOgPBy3
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?171Please respect copyright.PENANAieg5A75VhK
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."171Please respect copyright.PENANAdi9Nez5PVZ
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)171Please respect copyright.PENANA1LcdyJvVjr
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 171Please respect copyright.PENANAQQDqKallrC
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"171Please respect copyright.PENANAuZRKWVs1oZ
"Ground beef!"171Please respect copyright.PENANAnFzfn8Jt5a
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.171Please respect copyright.PENANAy1FQcKgwtM
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 171Please respect copyright.PENANAO206K2fI2M
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 171Please respect copyright.PENANAZinDvaxhU4
Lawsuits.171Please respect copyright.PENANANmup2wYCG4
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.171Please respect copyright.PENANAJRddrUZynR
Keith's friends knew him as the 171Please respect copyright.PENANA3p08fFta6F
Clown Jester of Bakersville.171Please respect copyright.PENANAyCWFEKgPoq
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 171Please respect copyright.PENANAURx1I8icuo
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"171Please respect copyright.PENANA6h8yqpdRUm
Because he was so outstanding in his field!171Please respect copyright.PENANA0LlDuQzCDi
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.171Please respect copyright.PENANAp3OnFl1icp
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.171Please respect copyright.PENANAxy5yBZc3tO
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 171Please respect copyright.PENANAImnwQVuSVo
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.171Please respect copyright.PENANA96SBhbhyXg
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"171Please respect copyright.PENANAFr919L3cob
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.171Please respect copyright.PENANAfBhVFppZg8
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.171Please respect copyright.PENANAsIBHf7KgGc
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 171Please respect copyright.PENANAGkFFmDZ8zD
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.171Please respect copyright.PENANAAhjdrLwrQJ
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 171Please respect copyright.PENANApOEetvocJ6
Having heard them all before, many times.171Please respect copyright.PENANAAGVSzJzJjV
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.171Please respect copyright.PENANA34A4QaWC2P
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 171Please respect copyright.PENANAhXNPMxo2ne
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.171Please respect copyright.PENANAFshD7a0L08
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 171Please respect copyright.PENANAueZNhWESdt
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.171Please respect copyright.PENANAUJytHzCR03
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.171Please respect copyright.PENANATeEjY0r3Bw
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.171Please respect copyright.PENANAeqoM47ajAV
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.171Please respect copyright.PENANAho8No4WxL8
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.171Please respect copyright.PENANAYiFxkioZCm
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.171Please respect copyright.PENANAp4OHg5N7mK
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.171Please respect copyright.PENANAGPHSHStzNg
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.171Please respect copyright.PENANAvzXCetN0S6
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.171Please respect copyright.PENANA3HUhLrNns5
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)171Please respect copyright.PENANAzRn0n4cnbL
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!171Please respect copyright.PENANAHGFG7d6OsQ
(audience chuckles)171Please respect copyright.PENANA7fYpMgNB1w
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."171Please respect copyright.PENANAQOJtGPiAhC
I haven't heard from him since.171Please respect copyright.PENANArdnKs1gCSq
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."171Please respect copyright.PENANAxXBumvFGnJ
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.171Please respect copyright.PENANARoiW5bqSG6
(audience laughing)171Please respect copyright.PENANAizsOpd9Cvn
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 171Please respect copyright.PENANAeHvLiZ6ovw
She still isn't talking to me.171Please respect copyright.PENANACYxOawfNfE
(Keith smiles)171Please respect copyright.PENANAjoO7XLDfdc
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'171Please respect copyright.PENANAx0dB1BLGLe
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 171Please respect copyright.PENANAD7vLdvMqt0
but I am on the fence!171Please respect copyright.PENANAEOWhlM5bQL
(audience laughing hard)171Please respect copyright.PENANAN2Wa0hrLkn
[He gets on a roll]171Please respect copyright.PENANAYWpQMRJCUT
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 171Please respect copyright.PENANAXvHBJoLFlp
She gave me a hug!171Please respect copyright.PENANAJSChM6jAF1
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."171Please respect copyright.PENANAXWwbTLG8EM
Hey!171Please respect copyright.PENANAK30t1EVLSu
What is the worst combination of illnesses?171Please respect copyright.PENANATkkpsT4NKA
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."171Please respect copyright.PENANAv6jAUh4e91
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"171Please respect copyright.PENANAigtg30yi55
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"171Please respect copyright.PENANAQAqNqA6LCQ
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."171Please respect copyright.PENANABOxO2YBtU2
How do you get a squirrel to like you?171Please respect copyright.PENANAs9yrekZsDv
Act like a nut.171Please respect copyright.PENANAdqhyijvEZU
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.171Please respect copyright.PENANAD5TtuY4rI6
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.171Please respect copyright.PENANAM3sSlh0HR1
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.171Please respect copyright.PENANArb6DlLuI5P
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 171Please respect copyright.PENANAaVUm6bRXxC
So I Left.171Please respect copyright.PENANAWDLJlRbtpA
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.171Please respect copyright.PENANAgwRgFFlNFM
"The steaks were pretty high!"171Please respect copyright.PENANA7a3NWysQi9
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."171Please respect copyright.PENANAxuQwjFCNCE
Goodnight!"171Please respect copyright.PENANAfv3SCxyJf0
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)171Please respect copyright.PENANAU6ToX6MhW9
He went home happier171Please respect copyright.PENANAsuNIm5ntOq
than he ever
Dreamed!171Please respect copyright.PENANABE8AHWELve
171Please respect copyright.PENANA55nrDVqnpS
© Charles Kemp
ns 172.69.58.165da2