幾個月前,本作的作者在大群上向人尋求建議,那時我剛好有空,於是便閱讀了這本《查喀比茲》,並且給予回饋。
131Please respect copyright.PENANAuvUcbFIPbq
趁著這個機會,也跟大家分享一下。
131Please respect copyright.PENANAyA6zJiBCOM
那麼事不宜遲,我們開始吧。
131Please respect copyright.PENANAugtrS6Hxsm
本作的男主角是一位命運多舛的少年,他不僅沒有好的父母,後來還淪落到感化院,並且遭人欺侮。
131Please respect copyright.PENANA4F0Krm7s9o
而在後來,事情有了轉機。一位教授來到監獄,告訴了這位少年,說他具有魔法的才能,在出院後得以進入名為查喀比茲的學校就讀。
131Please respect copyright.PENANARKKPbTYXPo
以此展開的魔法校園生活。
131Please respect copyright.PENANAJEyVSqvMRB
接下來,則是當初我所給予的回饋。
131Please respect copyright.PENANAYpaIcJklJe
你好,目前到十四章為止,我都讀完了。以下從各個面向發表我的看法。如果指出哪裡不太好也請不要灰心,繼續努力寫喔。131Please respect copyright.PENANABfGyKovveD
131Please respect copyright.PENANAnhAZJmav3y
131Please respect copyright.PENANA9ecItZ8ebA
131Please respect copyright.PENANAEfR6LFqpn5
世界觀:131Please respect copyright.PENANA7GqlfkJuEk
131Please respect copyright.PENANApTBzSz2yhl
本作以台灣作為背景,結合《哈利波特》的構想,我覺得是個能發展的題材。
131Please respect copyright.PENANArSctnKRhBx
走這個路線的話,需要避免劇情完全按照《哈利波特》那樣的段落走,多挖掘一點自己有別於JK蘿琳的橋段。
131Please respect copyright.PENANAIDMU6ys3HY
建議可以加入自己其他喜歡的東西,看你是喜歡音樂、運動、電影還是什麼,試著跟魔法結合,這樣或許會有不同的想法。
131Please respect copyright.PENANA5ZXvA21mWl
131Please respect copyright.PENANAI1zSrOhJBd
劇情細節的提醒:131Please respect copyright.PENANATB182kN2D0
131Please respect copyright.PENANAV7fPTO7jkb
a. 針對第一、二章的劇情,由於故事是以台灣作為現代的背景,這裡參照台灣法規提醒一下:131Please respect copyright.PENANA9llB6TERML
131Please respect copyright.PENANA7PsmnImILJ
少年法庭是以保護少年、促進其身心成長的目的實施。一般來說「會請律師、或是輔佐人」,也通常會關門、不公開的形式開庭討論,更不會有警察隨時在旁邊。131Please respect copyright.PENANAzJo5iKr7wN
131Please respect copyright.PENANAezP6Efbd9K
參考網站:131Please respect copyright.PENANAtaFyeKuVmu
judicial.gov.tw/tw/cp-96-58176-56f63-1.html131Please respect copyright.PENANAhpKSFITctt
131Please respect copyright.PENANAXaEjDzEf8j
131Please respect copyright.PENANAqGNf1TSj59
b. 另外,個人小提醒:在提到特定廠商時最好把他用一些字隱藏起來,或是經過適當修改,這樣比較不會發生爭議。131Please respect copyright.PENANATXkgVzpsaC
131Please respect copyright.PENANAe0cgicn7Gd
例如:apple pencil 替換成 banana pencil 或是 aoole pencil。131Please respect copyright.PENANA9f5TSOdm2v
131Please respect copyright.PENANANcDWAYXadi
131Please respect copyright.PENANA9ZijxscNdh
c. 第十四章:最後一段重複貼上了。131Please respect copyright.PENANANYpiaArJTj
131Please respect copyright.PENANAVGqO0HFxMw
131Please respect copyright.PENANAWcfB9sBIRu
角色:131Please respect copyright.PENANAxDYyLxhyRy
131Please respect copyright.PENANAOeKmElSlwN
以目前來說呈現的角色是這樣:131Please respect copyright.PENANAwLhyX1RvFj
131Please respect copyright.PENANAZNfYsiTS32
主角:俊明
131Please respect copyright.PENANAn6UEiv1yda
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)131Please respect copyright.PENANAacgE3ueDOk
131Please respect copyright.PENANAREl9kOtZAJ
主角現狀:遭人排擠
131Please respect copyright.PENANAFKkwTdd0m3
奉翊:131Please respect copyright.PENANAvOwqPCZITQ
不擅長飛行。131Please respect copyright.PENANA94Ym34v08u
從老家劇情來看,跟榮恩十分相似。131Please respect copyright.PENANA1Lmevl2LhI
131Please respect copyright.PENANAScgfhQDNhX
131Please respect copyright.PENANAcJRGVe0Amy
131Please respect copyright.PENANAh1L6E9Z6aW
對於角色整體的感想:131Please respect copyright.PENANAoCdu0Dz7Y7
131Please respect copyright.PENANA2gxuFANZLV
目前整篇故事是以對話和動作來進行,並未敘述到角色的外觀等具體的描述。這樣不利於讀者抓住角色的特徵。131Please respect copyright.PENANAfJAnWcWBF7
131Please respect copyright.PENANAGMAGOFl1qn
在新角色登場時,可以從背景描述新角色的樣子,跟目前眾人的關係等,這樣讀者才會有印象。另外,也可以試著在一開始讓他很有特色的登場,增強讀者的記憶。131Please respect copyright.PENANAu6ETh1uhVv
131Please respect copyright.PENANAROU80J1ZnO
這邊以主角和教授初次見面(第三章)來示範和改寫:131Please respect copyright.PENANAoUl1FlQG1K
131Please respect copyright.PENANAYomtL3Zcbx
原作:131Please respect copyright.PENANA29sgh1fuN1
131Please respect copyright.PENANAf6ww4SDXXC
俊明走了進去,一個大鬍子的男人坐在對面(以下略,請自行查閱原文)。
https://www.penana.com/article/956388131Please respect copyright.PENANAmos2RpGPh7
131Please respect copyright.PENANAQX5Wutddf5
(針對教授的初登場,描述得十分簡樸……雖然後續的演出,也就是搜尋學校這邊十分有趣,但並未著墨清楚,顯得有些可惜)131Please respect copyright.PENANAyxm4eD7TpH
131Please respect copyright.PENANADNmHzyp2tf
因此這邊稍微修改一下,擴寫這部分的描述(如果跟你的設定有些出入還請別介意):131Please respect copyright.PENANAPD7tFsZ5V3
131Please respect copyright.PENANAskWr40TouN
調整後:131Please respect copyright.PENANAhJjwqiZHxP
131Please respect copyright.PENANA7K5sGn0WIU
俊明走進談話間,一個男人隔著挖空的玻璃窗坐在對面。到底是誰呢?俊明困惑地皺起眉頭,因為他對這個男人沒有半點印象。131Please respect copyright.PENANA4N7VgPikId
131Please respect copyright.PENANAW0jm3Kb7I7
男人身穿古典樣式的西裝,蓄著大鬍子。一般來說,俊明會覺得這種人很可怕,但他臉上柔和的表情,搭配鼻子上掛著的細框眼鏡,讓人不知不覺卸下心中的顧慮,他給人的感覺就好像一個慈祥又果敢的成年人。131Please respect copyright.PENANADr9u9aXYAY
131Please respect copyright.PENANAVYkJqraQDj
對於俊明來說,他的身邊幾乎所有人都對他抱持敵視的態度,眼前的男人卻散發完全相反的氛圍。131Please respect copyright.PENANAgc4LLOsJJr
131Please respect copyright.PENANAgTwIcCrETo
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」131Please respect copyright.PENANAA0PsfaBdra
131Please respect copyright.PENANAEdLvLfalrE
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。131Please respect copyright.PENANAlQO2QEa2Gb
131Please respect copyright.PENANATiGC85yzMl
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:131Please respect copyright.PENANAxP8jBozZXO
131Please respect copyright.PENANAwLA07I0fHs
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAyYlIY3JGyw
131Please respect copyright.PENANAh8LGoJ4skz
查喀比茲?那是什麼?131Please respect copyright.PENANAdaUvFEglag
131Please respect copyright.PENANAEKXdYJ7VX0
一時之間,俊明感到疑惑,隨即得出答案:131Please respect copyright.PENANArngz6pRY6x
131Please respect copyright.PENANAcWe9Ik6T5x
「我沒聽說我要轉院啊!」131Please respect copyright.PENANAOq1qOuRBgO
131Please respect copyright.PENANASe2kieEbgO
俊明不禁喊了出來。光是在這間感化院就已經讓他費盡心力,要是換了環境,一切又得重新開始適應。131Please respect copyright.PENANA5alGNYPRcX
131Please respect copyright.PENANAopuVF97fGU
「你誤會了。我剛才說了吧,我是教授,而查喀比茲也不是感化院。」131Please respect copyright.PENANA6d9tLBOLhx
131Please respect copyright.PENANA8so85u8hvL
面對俊明的話,這個自稱吳漢宇的男人感到有意思的笑容。131Please respect copyright.PENANAgwK4qgSHAn
131Please respect copyright.PENANA8Q3ilUrApa
他進一步解釋道:131Please respect copyright.PENANAi3U4eNtChc
131Please respect copyright.PENANAVA100M6SjE
「查喀比茲是一家魔法學院。啊啊,別露出不相信的表情,我現在用手機搜尋給你看。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAJRtz45rJ1G
131Please respect copyright.PENANAXhyKgGO109
說著,吳漢宇拿出智慧型手機,並且對著螢幕說:131Please respect copyright.PENANA54JzYZSZdV
131Please respect copyright.PENANAcKYgU5Xcnd
「查詢,查喀比茲。」131Please respect copyright.PENANA6Gdsx4NnuP
131Please respect copyright.PENANASk90rD6RGc
難道真有魔法學院這種地方嗎?俊明吞了一口口水,充滿好奇地湊上前查看螢幕。131Please respect copyright.PENANA3B19A3hD6L
131Please respect copyright.PENANAOHVMK3B8t1
「──查無此項結果。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAdcwpVFeS9E
131Please respect copyright.PENANAXjZqxic7Kh
然而,手機發出的女聲作出冷淡的回答。自己肯定是被耍了,俊明忍不住瞪向吳漢宇。131Please respect copyright.PENANAu7J3rntz1P
131Please respect copyright.PENANAFkr48dJSzV
「啊啊!」131Please respect copyright.PENANAkklkCJaAbd
131Please respect copyright.PENANAmDcdhpj8xJ
吳漢宇露出慌張的表情,還以「應該不可能啊」的態度用手指戳了好幾下螢幕。131Please respect copyright.PENANAQIgH1iIT6t
131Please respect copyright.PENANAw8ao6SzxMG
「喔喔,抱歉。我忘了更新了!這次肯定沒問題。」131Please respect copyright.PENANADXnQJ7Ko6R
131Please respect copyright.PENANAwbl844tKx3
即便是忘記更新,但根本不可能存在的事物也不可能查到。俊明皺起眉頭。但吳漢宇更新應用程式後,重新進行搜尋,這次竟然出現了不可能出現的搜尋結果:131Please respect copyright.PENANAvAnKVMwEvH
131Please respect copyright.PENANANJ747ehrL4
查喀比茲。131Please respect copyright.PENANAm87ntHM2Vh
131Please respect copyright.PENANAPx6OtAGzTK
給予有天賦的學生學習魔法相關知識的學院。131Please respect copyright.PENANAYnq7OtLH9N
131Please respect copyright.PENANADaLfBjZ3Xw
螢幕上只出現這短短的回覆。131Please respect copyright.PENANAjdKkjlU95o
131Please respect copyright.PENANATPYVAjVyLV
但俊明卻訝異地張大嘴巴:131Please respect copyright.PENANAKk7j5zEu6y
131Please respect copyright.PENANAfT4YbW3t9M
「你、你、你……該不會──」131Please respect copyright.PENANATD6jWprtEZ
131Please respect copyright.PENANAv3MfRyVTLU
「沒錯,我就是──」131Please respect copyright.PENANAtqlNb5BX9P
131Please respect copyright.PENANAHmTZTfCc97
男人挺起胸膛,正要進一步說明時,俊明搶先一步說道:131Please respect copyright.PENANAtITrmg7GES
131Please respect copyright.PENANA64QxbDhPqn
「好厲害!這就是系統工程師啊!你是這麼厲害的人啊!」131Please respect copyright.PENANAgYQIG6bCW6
131Please respect copyright.PENANA0KbYxAOvJL
俊明對於眼前男人徹底改觀,眼睛也閃閃發亮。吳漢宇的額頭上冒出汗珠,但他還是點點頭說:131Please respect copyright.PENANAmgEosAHYEz
131Please respect copyright.PENANAJvVltrdrtr
「沒錯,小夥子,我可是了不起的人物。等你出院了,我們還會再見的。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAUESAtou1NO
131Please respect copyright.PENANANJwIjki51d
說著,吳漢宇站了起來。恰好談話時間也結束了。他對著俊明揮了揮手,從出口的方向離去。131Please respect copyright.PENANAN3W2L9knRG
131Please respect copyright.PENANAUD43ieKuH9
俊明歪了歪頭,不禁呢喃道:131Please respect copyright.PENANAMKLiqJxMPx
131Please respect copyright.PENANAoEpmf8uckE
「所以這個人到底是來做什麼呢?」131Please respect copyright.PENANA0UShlM79l2
131Please respect copyright.PENANAUhictWkBrM
但這個問題,在不久的將來很快就有了答案。131Please respect copyright.PENANACgIBjTqJHa
131Please respect copyright.PENANAYkwiLshHXJ
像這樣增加描述,強化有趣的橋段,會讓作品本身增色不少,可以參考看看。131Please respect copyright.PENANA4djQKyMGud
131Please respect copyright.PENANAWoYlPB9Xp5
主線劇情:131Please respect copyright.PENANApVZaLw5Dy3
131Please respect copyright.PENANAN5c0w9Sdot
主角進入魔法學院,理應一步一步做出改變,經歷事件而獲得成長。131Please respect copyright.PENANAVGdE28NNFh
131Please respect copyright.PENANARuPJPTyyKN
以現在來說,男主角俊明的個性懦弱、沒有自信、不擅長交友。131Please respect copyright.PENANAJGM2TBLOVg
131Please respect copyright.PENANA0OdLOcKlZo
那麼,在接下來的劇情中,他必須一步一步改變這樣的特質。131Please respect copyright.PENANANuxhqnCQwW
131Please respect copyright.PENANAeaRtEigUeC
而在故事的進行中,他的轉變可能是:131Please respect copyright.PENANAEwYAjRDnzE
131Please respect copyright.PENANAsJvPhZ6fIU
懦弱,到勇敢(舉例:不敢跟親生父母見面、甚至跟其對上視線-為了某個必要的事情,他必須重新跟父母談一談,克服內心的恐懼。)131Please respect copyright.PENANAboJ9K38ZCL
131Please respect copyright.PENANAF1k97SZu8m
沒有自信,到有自信(例如:以往在各個領域都表現不好,但在某個魔法領域他嶄露長才,或是付出努力到成為自己的強項。)131Please respect copyright.PENANANYdZoFOmaS
131Please respect copyright.PENANAQKPOZ1g1yO
不擅長交友,到能主動搭話建立關係(例如:以往害羞約別人出來玩,但可能被平時很照顧自己的朋友拜託辦聯誼之類的,他硬著頭皮跟女生搭話。)131Please respect copyright.PENANAF6IM4uUQGJ
131Please respect copyright.PENANA5jO1bZ31J8
131Please respect copyright.PENANAgXbXWdfHxL
如果用《哈利波特》來講,就是一個被霸凌的膽小鬼,成為一個能擊倒兇惡魔王的英雄,這是他最主要的主線劇情,演完這部分,故事也就結束了。131Please respect copyright.PENANA1NzuyYjSuo
131Please respect copyright.PENANA8BbB4L2T2y
因此,看俊明要在這個學院打算達成什麼事:131Please respect copyright.PENANAYUjZW7M4Yu
131Please respect copyright.PENANAmaY7ckOrjd
成為學園首席、擊倒大魔王、還是幹嘛,盡快訂下目標,並且先想一想他最後有沒有實現,怎麼實現會比較好。131Please respect copyright.PENANAFNrDbxjO1H
131Please respect copyright.PENANAVxQJwFavtK
在經歷各種事件,俊明獲得什麼成長、有什麼改變,都是可以從中著手的部分。131Please respect copyright.PENANAfosAljfYbj
131Please respect copyright.PENANAqXejERZL4e
那麼差不多是這樣。131Please respect copyright.PENANAdKaEsP8pck
131Please respect copyright.PENANAvKWKVKm5oj
131Please respect copyright.PENANAlbZr1AAr2c
131Please respect copyright.PENANAtQKRwBe3cz
關於配角部分,建議可以多描述外觀、興趣、以及寫得具體一點。不然讀者看了只覺得那是空有名字的陌生人,搞不清楚誰是誰。131Please respect copyright.PENANAe6nGfn8yru
131Please respect copyright.PENANA1a2ONrzN3S
總之加油吧。
131Please respect copyright.PENANAAJrfCGSMuC
已經寫了的就算了,在後面的章節確定主軸就行了,否則改來改去會寫不完。
131Please respect copyright.PENANAq1ILYYQ4f0
先寫完以後要改再改,不然就是將經驗應用在下一部作品上。
131Please respect copyright.PENANAHsUYJeDnWR
以目前來說,人物的互動與背景描述顯得比較模糊,感覺像是沒訂好設定,可以試著想一想他們到底是怎樣的人,記錄在別的文件檔。
131Please respect copyright.PENANApGVSIUJZvh
就像我從來沒提到男主角外觀一樣,因為我從你的文章沒看到相關資訊。(也可能是我漏看了)
131Please respect copyright.PENANAl0DZjTg7ug
另外,增添一點描述句,讓讀者知道狀況。會比較清楚。131Please respect copyright.PENANAU0K953DLHd
131Please respect copyright.PENANA1dYjxXgomS
「你就是葉俊明嗎?」131Please respect copyright.PENANActoiZXx1gZ
131Please respect copyright.PENANAjIIlfIo4up
男人探出身子,露出很有興趣的表情。他的黑色眼眸在俊明的身上靈巧地轉了幾圈,卻不會給人帶來任何不快。131Please respect copyright.PENANAI5D7IZDh8F
131Please respect copyright.PENANAdPnqTDPdfZ
針對這樣的態度,俊明一時之間不知道怎麼回應,但男人並沒有催促,而是靜靜等候著他。過了一陣子,俊明才點點頭,並用眼神詢問男人的來意。男人摸著鬍子,露出淺笑道:131Please respect copyright.PENANA2TjmqUX9sL
131Please respect copyright.PENANABMs76Nrwwy
「我是吳漢宇。查喀比茲的教授。」131Please respect copyright.PENANAmY9xCfCss3
131Please respect copyright.PENANAOfpeQGDXf6
對話中間的就是描述句。以利讀者釐清故事狀況。
131Please respect copyright.PENANA7o16Ng0rfP
綜上所述,要像這樣寫出描述句,勢必得了解人物外觀,心理狀態等資訊。那些沒有具體人物設定會比較難寫。
131Please respect copyright.PENANAsFq70CDQXK
以下為目前搭配劇情,主角會有的背景設定:
131Please respect copyright.PENANAwf1RLJEf7h
主角:俊明131Please respect copyright.PENANASpFah0lK8f
131Please respect copyright.PENANAVS5xAftNG6
懦弱(被人指責不敢開口反駁)、沒自信(說話結結巴巴)131Please respect copyright.PENANAfRuk5oREdn
131Please respect copyright.PENANANGEmF4TQiV
131Please respect copyright.PENANAt8GndJL9fp
主角現狀:遭人排擠131Please respect copyright.PENANAjEm66JVZum
131Please respect copyright.PENANAH2uwkMnaRn
就像前面我所記錄的,這樣就是在寫人物設定的時候會記錄的東西。
131Please respect copyright.PENANApfnt9LVUpS
有的人會把性格、興趣、外觀什麼的一次先想好,也有的會邊寫邊想,但外觀是初登場就會用到,所以通常會先訂好。
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其他登場角色也是同理。起碼要把之前訂下的東西記錄下來。需要的時候也要適時增加。這樣會比較好。
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另外,配角最好都要各自有點特色。拿教授來說,在故事初登場,他顯示出不擅長使用機械的特徵,那麼之後也能強化這點,成為他的特色。131Please respect copyright.PENANAQgjIjrzK42
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像是他被其他老師臨時拜託為魔法技師的講師,為了不在示範時出糗,找男主角幫忙之類的。
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或者每次拿機械都會讓他故障,導航每次都失靈等等。如果寫的有趣的話,讀者就會很有印象,很喜歡他。
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以結論來說,劇情跟角色是互相對應的,可以是先有角色設定,再發展劇情,也可能是先有劇情,再反推回角色設定,綜合在一起便能建構出整篇故事。
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大概是這樣。
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有興趣的讀者,可以參考看看。
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https://www.penana.com/story/114720/查喀比茲
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