惡名之下
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致不想回想起的記憶
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我不是那種「一般」的孩子176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs4fKVwIzXI
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但特殊得來，又不叫人驕傲的特別176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeFLp8rk4yb
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童年、成長、至今，我深知自己和其他人的不同，正因如此，我也因為這份特殊與我該在的地方、該有的身分道出分離宣言
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不是我害怕176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7vIDCAn1rU
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是害怕自身
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世界很奇怪，只是不一樣的，所謂之「特別」，往往引人恐懼，危險的出現176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDI4PlXw1n7
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因為不同，意味改變176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUU8eJTkfnd
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縱然沒人希望遇上困難，但又想克服，就只能待困難自己解決、或是自身忽然學懂如何去使吹灰之力的程度176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc9xHPjyneR
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卻現實中，是沒有可能發生此種事，萬物不由己生，正如沒有不勞而獲，其之獲的勞，純粹不是由自己付出而已176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyudFG3N8Al
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這道理176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIXa1fq9c7W
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我是明白的176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEdHSic9A35
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但又現實中，我做不了什麼，我無法展現自己在這方面的認知176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ25ttv0Qk4c
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—— 啪喇 ——176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡofVR7QfTSy
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「廢物！」176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡynInzmOmXX
「您是吃撐沒事幹嗎？！」176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhOZv5u6dEg
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見玻璃零碎散落，深紅沾在純黑的地毯，清脆響亮的聲響堪比硫磺一發，暗中的深紅滿滲若如蚊餐一地，儘管而言並非直對此方，隱約可見利片刺中了自己176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkM4R4Cdihe
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「現在有毛有翼曉升天了，作反了哦？！」176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyfEs6180dm
「您究竟是不是真的弱智哦？！」176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtlok3rLLD0
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「麻煩製造者⋯您可真是⋯⋯可不可以有點自知之名？」176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS0yn2t5Nod
「該死⋯」176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ElbdzUCsm
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使力擦著額，短棕髮的她伸手到黑木桌子，「咻」一聲扯開櫃門，反手便伸入其中，撥開文具，翻走書本，往當中內最深處伸去176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI6vAyAeogq
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數聲粗魯的物品碰撞，還有其後那響亮至耳窒的拍門，女性在視野外掏出一白中漂黃的東西
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象牙製煙斗
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勾在嘴裏，同時從胸前口袋中拿出小圓盒，像口紅的造型，倒是金屬製，畢竟說到底才非打份用176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP3wacO7cpA
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熟練地扭開蓋鎖，拇指彈上開蓋，倒轉在煙斗的填裝位，一滴176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX7kbK2Lnlb
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「⋯呼⋯⋯」176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡleX8AqUtiN
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雜草味，燒靑草的氣味，少許攻鼻，但並不濃，再者也未到刺激的程度，單純是蠻有葉綠味而已，連漂出來的白煙也幾乎不存在，室內散佈最強烈的，唯有植物的味道
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背對自己，她抽著煙斗，看往窗外
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不是特別高樓層，當然整座大廈也是己業前提，地方必是自己選址選樓層
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若是較高的位置，是可以看到海景，朝向東邊的海藍天，以及遠方一帶沿海的密集，高樓大廈又有，不起眼的小方塊亦有，熊本縣的各沿海城市，整個一起，掃望而入眼內176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZOTNnPZyE2
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但她不同，她的選擇往往比任何⋯一般人，自己所想的奇怪，然而又有其論點，要說的話，就是她擁有著不同自己，過於複雜而與別不同的想法176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmsjfb2p8AB
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作風不一，思考的模式不一樣
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就好比她不打算把辦公室置於上面，而是這兒，這層，剛好不高於窗戶所面向，商店街的頂蓋，的一層
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看到車站、酒吧街街頭、商場門口，各種
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因為她要真正的「全景」
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我真的搞不清楚，嘛，無法理解
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好比她究竟是怎樣看待自己一樣
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我知道，我也明白自己現在可是搞出大麻煩了，不但引起了刑警的注意，還有引致本地一眾不良、暴走族的騷動，現在回望，嘛，還真是想也想不到自己有這麼的能力176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT0i3qxxdon
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抑或說，是我一直以來，低估了老姐她的聲譽及影響力176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSjqHjZJCVu
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山松組的力量176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRnBaS9If3n
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「您到底⋯什麼時候才會學乖呀？混帳⋯」176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpQ7bZnlDlj
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回神過來，她已經坐了在那辦工椅上，左腳放右腳膝頭，口中濃吐淡煙，即使口氣稍安定，放大的瞳孔凶剎不爾176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfaWwb0dVkI
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她是我的姐姐176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDbihDiYauL
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山松組的老大176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvc2vyIUBa3
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大和英加176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2CshzLfyCN
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「說話啊」176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0r82RrfjZ2
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央百花176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaIuMh9Sv7f
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我努力地站在原處，就這樣一聲不吭，但是視線一交上，就看不了更多，看不到，尋找不到視線可聚落之處，可是呢，她可還生氣著，直對自己176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKMODCM1Y7c
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「⋯我可不會當你啞的」
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「⋯⋯你要是不說話⋯那好⋯⋯好⋯」
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「就讓我倆在這，一直⋯一直在這」
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「在這一起浪費時間，反正⋯ 我 · 很 · 閒 」176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkAMEOD5zpj
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「⋯⋯」176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOOJoUj36uG
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呼吸聲由緊縫的唇瓣洩出，曾有再多的話，希望反駁、說理，又說不出，不在她面前176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6qxBDl2x0s
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我不只是害怕，畢竟目前為止，一生中最敬重，亦最不喜歡的，也是她，我的姐姐176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5xZo0qnFci
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她為我做了很多，太多，甚至我了解，自己所認知的，只是整幅拼圖的一小塊176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy4tA4ShbVu
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理應我該做好自己就好了，對她來說是最好了176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQfZq6nnhX5
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所以說，我到底做了什麼？176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcHEYrW5ff1
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我在反叛嗎？可能176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWwwjvW2H7Y
為了什麼？
為了什麼⋯？
成為些什麼的身分？
為了她的認同？
⋯⋯
我不知道
我自己也搞不清楚
回去一開始談到的地方
我選擇了前者
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讓困難自己解決176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGBez6lmYyY
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但困難就是自己176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY7EJ7nLKWM
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所以才裝模作樣，卻又成了反效果，或是說，我從來也沒有想清楚任何事情，而衝進去做176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9WbyYuZGlI
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我做事沒腦根、理性，是後來的事情，日益嚴重，動不動就動氣，感性行事，這樣子便不用想了，不用想太多了176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTxK0H3e4Ke
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不用去想更多平時的負面了176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh4YWfNbsBb
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單憑感覺行事176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjFsSatsLA9
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這樣子便不用去研究他人的目光、想法，自己的得失，將來的後果，麻煩的各種176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH1VU29peYE
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反正本身裏頭已經積累了太多176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPHH0DliXQM
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確實地問我，是不是很想孤立自己？176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyzTsopDjDm
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別開玩笑176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfBm79EMHVn
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但我有選擇嗎？176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRdcS22f2yi
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注定無法「正常」地生活的我，注定混混噩噩過日子的自己，大概⋯本身已經叫姐姐她傷心了吧？176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmpjwNOsEtG
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不過單是自己也是176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9aBRObsqgl
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我不想這樣子176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxYEhareyy5
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我不希望這樣子的「特別」176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoNC5P9tAGO
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但對自己來說，所謂的「未來」已是注定的
不能做到什麼
不能實現什麼
那怕是已經放棄得崩潰、討厭自己
也不能有什麼改變
我看不到明天，也看不到昨天
但⋯有分別嗎？
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當初的命運已經被注定，因為自己是大和氏，因為和那混帳有關係，因為⋯因為176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW3NrD2hpef
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我根本沒有能力去保護自己176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpRft81nWLi
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沒有能力176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs41KRi2Nxs
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一直以來也是176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmAgMNR5OyS
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我⋯⋯176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMFKOHxdju3
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我176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWmQiEl88VP
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我根本沒有選擇176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk8BzcJHroA
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現在的話，選不選擇也沒差別吧⋯176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2IBsqgmaBX
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算啦⋯176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ894aIR4oBu
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就讓我自暴自棄吧
將我棄之不理吧
但一定，一定
一定會被反對為結果吧
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「⋯」176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLGCPHWdd7o
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怎也沒所謂了176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkopdlWeL0F
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「⋯算了」176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI3nhBa9e9v
「我要出去食晚飯了」176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP1KHyVH31N
「你打算怎樣子呢」176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtn5U9tuwDM
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「⋯⋯嗯」176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIA4lQayURM
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176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVhoDb1RMX7
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沒所謂了176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq2BGCmL6HM
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「⋯⋯」176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG1JDOntmYx
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176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk9sHRAH6lZ
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反正我就是生下來那刻開始被詛咒了176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkoRBeA8YNy
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反正是我自己弄到自己得如此下場176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDkCGvgxWAu
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反正176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXXguJZG8eP
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「⋯」176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8QF01OR5up
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「笨蛋」176Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdlWlpq8j2l
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