惡名之下
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致不想回想起的記憶
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我不是那種「一般」的孩子176Please respect copyright.PENANAs4fKVwIzXI
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但特殊得來,又不叫人驕傲的特別176Please respect copyright.PENANAeFLp8rk4yb
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童年、成長、至今,我深知自己和其他人的不同,正因如此,我也因為這份特殊與我該在的地方、該有的身分道出分離宣言
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不是我害怕176Please respect copyright.PENANA7vIDCAn1rU
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是害怕自身
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世界很奇怪,只是不一樣的,所謂之「特別」,往往引人恐懼,危險的出現176Please respect copyright.PENANADI4PlXw1n7
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因為不同,意味改變176Please respect copyright.PENANAUU8eJTkfnd
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縱然沒人希望遇上困難,但又想克服,就只能待困難自己解決、或是自身忽然學懂如何去使吹灰之力的程度176Please respect copyright.PENANAc9xHPjyneR
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卻現實中,是沒有可能發生此種事,萬物不由己生,正如沒有不勞而獲,其之獲的勞,純粹不是由自己付出而已176Please respect copyright.PENANAyudFG3N8Al
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這道理176Please respect copyright.PENANAIXa1fq9c7W
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我是明白的176Please respect copyright.PENANAEdHSic9A35
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但又現實中,我做不了什麼,我無法展現自己在這方面的認知176Please respect copyright.PENANA25ttv0Qk4c
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—— 啪喇 ——176Please respect copyright.PENANAofVR7QfTSy
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「廢物!」176Please respect copyright.PENANAynInzmOmXX
「您是吃撐沒事幹嗎?!」176Please respect copyright.PENANAhOZv5u6dEg
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見玻璃零碎散落,深紅沾在純黑的地毯,清脆響亮的聲響堪比硫磺一發,暗中的深紅滿滲若如蚊餐一地,儘管而言並非直對此方,隱約可見利片刺中了自己176Please respect copyright.PENANAkM4R4Cdihe
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「現在有毛有翼曉升天了,作反了哦?!」176Please respect copyright.PENANAyfEs6180dm
「您究竟是不是真的弱智哦?!」176Please respect copyright.PENANAtlok3rLLD0
176Please respect copyright.PENANArB5HciqpA8
「麻煩製造者⋯您可真是⋯⋯可不可以有點自知之名?」176Please respect copyright.PENANAS0yn2t5Nod
「該死⋯」176Please respect copyright.PENANA4ElbdzUCsm
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使力擦著額,短棕髮的她伸手到黑木桌子,「咻」一聲扯開櫃門,反手便伸入其中,撥開文具,翻走書本,往當中內最深處伸去176Please respect copyright.PENANAI6vAyAeogq
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數聲粗魯的物品碰撞,還有其後那響亮至耳窒的拍門,女性在視野外掏出一白中漂黃的東西
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象牙製煙斗
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勾在嘴裏,同時從胸前口袋中拿出小圓盒,像口紅的造型,倒是金屬製,畢竟說到底才非打份用176Please respect copyright.PENANAP3wacO7cpA
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熟練地扭開蓋鎖,拇指彈上開蓋,倒轉在煙斗的填裝位,一滴176Please respect copyright.PENANAX7kbK2Lnlb
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「⋯呼⋯⋯」176Please respect copyright.PENANAleX8AqUtiN
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雜草味,燒靑草的氣味,少許攻鼻,但並不濃,再者也未到刺激的程度,單純是蠻有葉綠味而已,連漂出來的白煙也幾乎不存在,室內散佈最強烈的,唯有植物的味道
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背對自己,她抽著煙斗,看往窗外
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不是特別高樓層,當然整座大廈也是己業前提,地方必是自己選址選樓層
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若是較高的位置,是可以看到海景,朝向東邊的海藍天,以及遠方一帶沿海的密集,高樓大廈又有,不起眼的小方塊亦有,熊本縣的各沿海城市,整個一起,掃望而入眼內176Please respect copyright.PENANAZOTNnPZyE2
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但她不同,她的選擇往往比任何⋯一般人,自己所想的奇怪,然而又有其論點,要說的話,就是她擁有著不同自己,過於複雜而與別不同的想法176Please respect copyright.PENANAmsjfb2p8AB
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作風不一,思考的模式不一樣
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就好比她不打算把辦公室置於上面,而是這兒,這層,剛好不高於窗戶所面向,商店街的頂蓋,的一層
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看到車站、酒吧街街頭、商場門口,各種
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因為她要真正的「全景」
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我真的搞不清楚,嘛,無法理解
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好比她究竟是怎樣看待自己一樣
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我知道,我也明白自己現在可是搞出大麻煩了,不但引起了刑警的注意,還有引致本地一眾不良、暴走族的騷動,現在回望,嘛,還真是想也想不到自己有這麼的能力176Please respect copyright.PENANAT0i3qxxdon
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抑或說,是我一直以來,低估了老姐她的聲譽及影響力176Please respect copyright.PENANASjqHjZJCVu
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山松組的力量176Please respect copyright.PENANARnBaS9If3n
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「您到底⋯什麼時候才會學乖呀?混帳⋯」176Please respect copyright.PENANApQ7bZnlDlj
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回神過來,她已經坐了在那辦工椅上,左腳放右腳膝頭,口中濃吐淡煙,即使口氣稍安定,放大的瞳孔凶剎不爾176Please respect copyright.PENANAfaWwb0dVkI
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她是我的姐姐176Please respect copyright.PENANADbihDiYauL
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山松組的老大176Please respect copyright.PENANAvc2vyIUBa3
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大和英加176Please respect copyright.PENANA2CshzLfyCN
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「說話啊」176Please respect copyright.PENANA0r82RrfjZ2
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央百花176Please respect copyright.PENANAaIuMh9Sv7f
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我努力地站在原處,就這樣一聲不吭,但是視線一交上,就看不了更多,看不到,尋找不到視線可聚落之處,可是呢,她可還生氣著,直對自己176Please respect copyright.PENANAKMODCM1Y7c
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「⋯我可不會當你啞的」
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「⋯⋯你要是不說話⋯那好⋯⋯好⋯」
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「就讓我倆在這,一直⋯一直在這」
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「在這一起浪費時間,反正⋯ 我 · 很 · 閒 」176Please respect copyright.PENANAkAMEOD5zpj
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「⋯⋯」176Please respect copyright.PENANAOOJoUj36uG
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呼吸聲由緊縫的唇瓣洩出,曾有再多的話,希望反駁、說理,又說不出,不在她面前176Please respect copyright.PENANA6qxBDl2x0s
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我不只是害怕,畢竟目前為止,一生中最敬重,亦最不喜歡的,也是她,我的姐姐176Please respect copyright.PENANA5xZo0qnFci
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她為我做了很多,太多,甚至我了解,自己所認知的,只是整幅拼圖的一小塊176Please respect copyright.PENANAy4tA4ShbVu
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理應我該做好自己就好了,對她來說是最好了176Please respect copyright.PENANAQfZq6nnhX5
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所以說,我到底做了什麼?176Please respect copyright.PENANAcHEYrW5ff1
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我在反叛嗎?可能176Please respect copyright.PENANAWwwjvW2H7Y
為了什麼?
為了什麼⋯?
成為些什麼的身分?
為了她的認同?
⋯⋯
我不知道
我自己也搞不清楚
回去一開始談到的地方
我選擇了前者
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讓困難自己解決176Please respect copyright.PENANAGBez6lmYyY
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但困難就是自己176Please respect copyright.PENANAY7EJ7nLKWM
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所以才裝模作樣,卻又成了反效果,或是說,我從來也沒有想清楚任何事情,而衝進去做176Please respect copyright.PENANA9WbyYuZGlI
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我做事沒腦根、理性,是後來的事情,日益嚴重,動不動就動氣,感性行事,這樣子便不用想了,不用想太多了176Please respect copyright.PENANATxK0H3e4Ke
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不用去想更多平時的負面了176Please respect copyright.PENANAh4YWfNbsBb
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單憑感覺行事176Please respect copyright.PENANAjFsSatsLA9
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這樣子便不用去研究他人的目光、想法,自己的得失,將來的後果,麻煩的各種176Please respect copyright.PENANAH1VU29peYE
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反正本身裏頭已經積累了太多176Please respect copyright.PENANAPHH0DliXQM
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確實地問我,是不是很想孤立自己?176Please respect copyright.PENANAyzTsopDjDm
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別開玩笑176Please respect copyright.PENANAfBm79EMHVn
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但我有選擇嗎?176Please respect copyright.PENANARdcS22f2yi
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注定無法「正常」地生活的我,注定混混噩噩過日子的自己,大概⋯本身已經叫姐姐她傷心了吧?176Please respect copyright.PENANAmpjwNOsEtG
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不過單是自己也是176Please respect copyright.PENANA9aBRObsqgl
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我不想這樣子176Please respect copyright.PENANAxYEhareyy5
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我不希望這樣子的「特別」176Please respect copyright.PENANAoNC5P9tAGO
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但對自己來說,所謂的「未來」已是注定的
不能做到什麼
不能實現什麼
那怕是已經放棄得崩潰、討厭自己
也不能有什麼改變
我看不到明天,也看不到昨天
但⋯有分別嗎?
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當初的命運已經被注定,因為自己是大和氏,因為和那混帳有關係,因為⋯因為176Please respect copyright.PENANAW3NrD2hpef
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我根本沒有能力去保護自己176Please respect copyright.PENANApRft81nWLi
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沒有能力176Please respect copyright.PENANAs41KRi2Nxs
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一直以來也是176Please respect copyright.PENANAmAgMNR5OyS
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我⋯⋯176Please respect copyright.PENANAMFKOHxdju3
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我176Please respect copyright.PENANAWmQiEl88VP
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我根本沒有選擇176Please respect copyright.PENANAk8BzcJHroA
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現在的話,選不選擇也沒差別吧⋯176Please respect copyright.PENANA2IBsqgmaBX
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算啦⋯176Please respect copyright.PENANA894aIR4oBu
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就讓我自暴自棄吧
將我棄之不理吧
但一定,一定
一定會被反對為結果吧
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「⋯」176Please respect copyright.PENANALGCPHWdd7o
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怎也沒所謂了176Please respect copyright.PENANAkopdlWeL0F
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「⋯算了」176Please respect copyright.PENANAI3nhBa9e9v
「我要出去食晚飯了」176Please respect copyright.PENANAP1KHyVH31N
「你打算怎樣子呢」176Please respect copyright.PENANAtn5U9tuwDM
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「⋯⋯嗯」176Please respect copyright.PENANAIA4lQayURM
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沒所謂了176Please respect copyright.PENANAq2BGCmL6HM
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「⋯⋯」176Please respect copyright.PENANAG1JDOntmYx
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反正我就是生下來那刻開始被詛咒了176Please respect copyright.PENANAkoRBeA8YNy
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反正是我自己弄到自己得如此下場176Please respect copyright.PENANADkCGvgxWAu
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反正176Please respect copyright.PENANAXXguJZG8eP
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「⋯」176Please respect copyright.PENANA8QF01OR5up
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「笨蛋」176Please respect copyright.PENANAdlWlpq8j2l
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我是不值得被愛被相信的惡名之子