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No Plagiarism!C9stFf4EKqG2bl7KAkvFposted on PENANA
零器8964 copyright protection286PENANAbKWK0Zb0oE 維尼
廣告回來290Please respect copyright.PENANAh1eq6tvQ9a
再次歡迎大家收看8964 copyright protection286PENANAw1VHEcKS32 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection286PENANAZGMXTsjB4O 維尼
Helloooooooo8964 copyright protection286PENANAES92tQKPdd 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection286PENANASO9AramFy0 維尼
廣告前,12位參賽者經過的選擇門290Please respect copyright.PENANAiX647YVhm8
當中只有4位通過290Please respect copyright.PENANA5BRyZ3XhgF
一位得到誠意✊✊的機會!290Please respect copyright.PENANAsDnz8jHDjR
接下來就看看其他11位囉8964 copyright protection286PENANAzNOTuaytLa 維尼
首先第一位登場的是290Please respect copyright.PENANA1gGXw8ruUk
子鶱的作品——8964 copyright protection286PENANAPkS27Z2x28 維尼
290Please respect copyright.PENANAI4ENuuIlEV
8964 copyright protection286PENANA1DTZrGgs45 維尼
七十•七萬•七十億8964 copyright protection286PENANA1mdGtoEGwQ 維尼
290Please respect copyright.PENANAB6ru1mTTuE
8964 copyright protection286PENANAiLPXmA9ZW3 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection286PENANAFh6wdIAEw3 維尼
以阿美的明星夢起夢醒貫穿,故事完整,也能帶出作者想表達的意思。290Please respect copyright.PENANAp0mEv7vRTn
可是,整個故事有點流水帳的感覺,角色的塑造亦不夠立體,未能使讀者代入角色的遭遇,如果能多加描述,將字數拉長至兩倍左右,應該會更感人。8964 copyright protection286PENANAauPJY2ydTt 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection286PENANAxaSjoUbi7g 維尼
我一直幫本篇作品改了個花名做下一站天后,因為我覺得是個很「追明星夢」的題材,而且故事完整度頗高,所以我對本作頗為讚賞。290Please respect copyright.PENANAnggB1Zb5zH
同意紀言的觀點,就是故事有少少流水賬,編排與節奏上仍有改進空間。290Please respect copyright.PENANAZ7sRM3omrX
作者把四千字全部聚焦在阿美身上,使其經歷飽滿地刻畫了出來,可惜的是阿美的塑造略嫌平板缺少深度,雖然經歷有了,心路歷程都有了,但缺少了點立體感。290Please respect copyright.PENANAkFAzKVds4q
可中段的故事也平淡了點,而且因為所有焦點都聚焦在阿美身上,其他角色就相對模糊了一點,其實還有六千字,有些位都可以盡量刻畫下,豐富一下其他角色,這樣或許會更好。8964 copyright protection286PENANAgwm2OwYUZo 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection286PENANAgY4CSXzW4q 維尼
相當不錯的故事佈局,更起了首尾呼應的效果。290Please respect copyright.PENANAcjnyzHgk6X
從女主角(阿SA!?)被紙醉金迷的世界繼而忘掉初衷,到最後重新回到起點之地,想回了那個熱愛歌唱的自己。290Please respect copyright.PENANABcZ7xwhJtG
值得提醒的是,文筆略有待改進。290Please respect copyright.PENANAoAz5TFCg8f
若行文再嚴謹一點,這篇作品足以進入前十之列。8964 copyright protection286PENANANyFcvmyQlu 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection286PENANAxObIRN2Yw6 維尼
三位都已經給出了意見了290Please respect copyright.PENANA3LZngTV9BE
到底這篇下一站天后會得到多少⭕️呢?290Please respect copyright.PENANAiQnrHaJTM5
準備好了嗎?8964 copyright protection286PENANAsOQmV9TPQm 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection286PENANAX19r9C3HFx 維尼
ok8964 copyright protection286PENANA2FKCgCTZsM 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection286PENANAgl3nxSZD27 維尼
我們來8964 copyright protection286PENANAR71nYb8gYN 維尼
3290Please respect copyright.PENANADuJWej3rVw
2290Please respect copyright.PENANA9BcuV5aogQ
18964 copyright protection286PENANAoRohroh577 維尼
8964 copyright protection286PENANAbKlgeMdjKM 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection286PENANAXqV3UaQTVt 維尼
對不起QAQ8964 copyright protection286PENANAznfYmAW6RN 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection286PENANAhhG4y56eeD 維尼
……290Please respect copyright.PENANAMj5F4on2OE
又是可怕的三叉!290Please respect copyright.PENANAUg7dBr04ES
三位有甚麼想安慰一下的嗎?8964 copyright protection286PENANAIFeCVmFHKJ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection286PENANA1FqqNFUDnE 維尼
QAQ8964 copyright protection286PENANAPa64fPXFdW 維尼
我覺得........................290Please respect copyright.PENANAZl8yQ8O4L8
(細聲說)是圈太少了..8964 copyright protection286PENANAi0H7cjZZgq 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection286PENANAxndAl2SfHd 維尼
不錯的作品,奈何對手強勁8964 copyright protection286PENANA5odyPNX3E3 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection286PENANAcx4FcnpztI 維尼
期待復活賽再見8964 copyright protection286PENANAgx0f70xcaJ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection286PENANApADv6GQVtc 維尼
嗯,評語上面都說得差不多了。290Please respect copyright.PENANAXLAncD54V2
其實可以從中見到作者的潛力的。不要灰心,復活賽再見!8964 copyright protection286PENANAM8yQQJpmBv 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection286PENANAAUvL1ze9lo 維尼
子鶱,聽到了嗎?要加油哦!8964 copyright protection286PENANAZu8bByWeJn 維尼
好的。290Please respect copyright.PENANATDIEx01215
接下來上場的參賽者是……290Please respect copyright.PENANAymKhWHOxCW
migt的作品——8964 copyright protection286PENANAxi2hM861UE 維尼
290Please respect copyright.PENANAKuAquK8wEn
8964 copyright protection286PENANAYfdQukhbZZ 維尼
十年回魂8964 copyright protection286PENANAihPEj8a5fw 維尼
290Please respect copyright.PENANACrEVIZbrNw
8964 copyright protection286PENANAhunqqSHWoM 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection286PENANAE3cmg5BNAN 維尼
氣氛營造得相當不錯,真的會讓人覺得毛毛的感覺。290Please respect copyright.PENANANUhgEm2vul
只可惜的是沒有故事,就變成單純作者氣氛把控的show。290Please respect copyright.PENANAucJ3f49yyO
哎喲其實還有六千字左右,不妨把它完成了嘛。290Please respect copyright.PENANA8KFXT6mOyc
現在太過意猶未盡,未必是件好事哦。8964 copyright protection286PENANAgPGAK9VRyr 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection286PENANAja4JM5sxQc 維尼
東南很怕鬼故的……(奸笑)290Please respect copyright.PENANA7zAkwxF8Fg
不過也認同恐怖氣氛營造得不俗喇,但是日記形式的解謎會使讀者的投入感減低,最後的高潮位如能將懸疑感再推上一層相信會更佳。8964 copyright protection286PENANAhqMBhZt5yx 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection286PENANAa1coswP8tx 維尼
一開始看下去,氣氛等等都營造得相當不錯,令我心生期待。290Please respect copyright.PENANA0Gt1GViQJv
算是不錯的驚慄故事,也相當切題。只是建議在故事中對於主人公再多一點的描寫,若是太過於執著劇情、驚慄的故事而忽略了對主角的描寫,讀者難以替主角感到緊張繼而代入。290Please respect copyright.PENANAUBHfGZCWWA
再恐怖一點,恐怕東南就不敢看了嘿嘿。8964 copyright protection286PENANAHjqnyUtCCX 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection286PENANA3rNuegNZY5 維尼
這部讓人毛毛的作品290Please respect copyright.PENANADem5I1uQhS
到底又逃不逃得過三叉的下場呢?290Please respect copyright.PENANActfYhejvT7
準備好了吧?290Please respect copyright.PENANAmWlW8fcEmT
一起來8964 copyright protection286PENANA5Kp03NqGaF 維尼
3290Please respect copyright.PENANAYPX7aDi37M
2290Please respect copyright.PENANAexH0bAe0Qg
18964 copyright protection286PENANAI3lmcAvsJN 維尼
8964 copyright protection286PENANAUr1HV0Nj3Q 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection286PENANAtdM5ae2WyM 維尼
可惡!8964 copyright protection286PENANAq1OKUecyt9 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection286PENANASHgvjdk0If 維尼
有點可惜~290Please respect copyright.PENANAthhKoKykve
他的懸疑感很夠290Please respect copyright.PENANA2FWLU7NxQR
只是劇情上稍有欠缺8964 copyright protection286PENANAaj35FQ0ON5 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection286PENANAYM69sQ07ef 維尼
評語上面也說清楚了。290Please respect copyright.PENANAi91MXvq7Hi
其實我覺得作者營造氣氛真的做得很好,奈何劇情上面確實差了點。290Please respect copyright.PENANADNWQW60zlA
希望繼續努力!復活賽再來一篇鬼故!衝啊!8964 copyright protection286PENANAh2dJ6nXVnn 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection286PENANAYwtLXCXYZL 維尼
若在故事劇情及人物多著墨,會是競爭前十的強力人選8964 copyright protection286PENANA9KjflycnUz 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection286PENANAWvNfbMTJoD 維尼
期待復活戰讓東南嚇得不敢看!8964 copyright protection286PENANAVUQ6a8nFHz 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection286PENANAjQWYKqSDqE 維尼
希望migt 能從評審們的建議中有所得益哦!290Please respect copyright.PENANAHaKfOfkSoR
然後重點是要嚇倒東南ww8964 copyright protection286PENANAiudfBqmSva 維尼
好了290Please respect copyright.PENANA9YluSFI4Ku
下一位參賽者又準備好上場囉290Please respect copyright.PENANA4LROITbqe9
他是御林君,作品——8964 copyright protection286PENANANFxYOBwxz3 維尼
290Please respect copyright.PENANAnknS6rHb1y
8964 copyright protection286PENANA8Qfl7Uncdy 維尼
花開花落終有時,相逢相聚本無意8964 copyright protection286PENANA86j0jqUlKr 維尼
290Please respect copyright.PENANAAKGPge47ch
8964 copyright protection286PENANAhzG7kYOMPA 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection286PENANAgqIKepziJb 維尼
文筆不俗,可惜的是故事過於平鋪直敘,而且盡量避免用對白推進故事,太多對白的話容易減低讀者看下去的意欲。8964 copyright protection286PENANAXvEnrWbDVr 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection286PENANAg1xkxPaysD 維尼
見到作者努力建立自己的行文風格,不過現時仍稍見沙石,相信假以時日會更精進。290Please respect copyright.PENANAwyyBxycTKP
兩位主角的對比鮮明,如果劇情上能多加轉折應該會更佳。8964 copyright protection286PENANAWPBTzT238V 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection286PENANABSF2wWfuCX 維尼
同意兩位看法,繼續加油。8964 copyright protection286PENANA8nbYonWpBD 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection286PENANAGAIfbxLXV6 維尼
聽起來好像有點不太樂觀呢……8964 copyright protection286PENANAncpgcmAfZX 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection286PENANAKa0oQ2NXBJ 維尼
沒事沒事…8964 copyright protection286PENANAg5edIZUdS0 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection286PENANAcwl4cQ3fwj 維尼
不過沒關係290Please respect copyright.PENANAdHXmPEJqyM
御林君,我們一起來迎接結果吧!290Please respect copyright.PENANAAdeTcuXJJ1
準備好了吧?8964 copyright protection286PENANAVDbAPpNlHr 維尼
3290Please respect copyright.PENANAyEUp6wf87F
2290Please respect copyright.PENANAC0TwSMQsIr
18964 copyright protection286PENANAQRx2ifeUQT 維尼
8964 copyright protection286PENANAHOOXplruOr 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection286PENANAPmcEzfAzm6 維尼
可惜了,謝謝御林君的參賽。290Please respect copyright.PENANAVZpCINtoHD
別忘了我們還有復活賽哦8964 copyright protection286PENANA0wBwP8avLM 維尼
可怕的三叉已經出現了三次290Please respect copyright.PENANAPYmc8y5x4b
到底接下來的這位參賽者可以打破這局面了嗎?290Please respect copyright.PENANApj1r7xKl4N
接下來的是……290Please respect copyright.PENANAdtVAYsJ77Z
文楓!8964 copyright protection286PENANAEGNfoZFtEO 維尼
290Please respect copyright.PENANAfvbj5y1Kf8
8964 copyright protection286PENANAowoEu6aSOP 維尼
星光,燭光和火光8964 copyright protection286PENANAxr6n56uicR 維尼
290Please respect copyright.PENANAooe8dPr9Ae
8964 copyright protection286PENANArqnujLrvqE 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection286PENANApyFxwhv4qe 維尼
頗具完成度的西方奇幻小說。290Please respect copyright.PENANAxeTx8bGnki
開首的佈局讓我非常期待接下來的發展,可惜尾段有點趕,以致看上去有點虎頭蛇尾的感覺。290Please respect copyright.PENANAv5YYkJGBbL
故事去到中間時,十年後必須兩個死一個,其實是一個不錯的切入點,女巫與養女之間,對於這點其實可以寫多一點劇情。290Please respect copyright.PENANAWZBy5DPz93
我不知道是因為時間太趕,還是作者有意為之,如今的收尾就顯得有點可惜了。8964 copyright protection286PENANACrNVnpGvBp 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection286PENANAq7vbmjzF4z 維尼
嘛,為了趕死線而草草收尾的事,大家也經歷過啊~以前大半部分來說,我還是很看好的。290Please respect copyright.PENANArxT4ZtV3g9
獵巫的世界觀完整,故事感情細膩動人。290Please respect copyright.PENANAtpldQKGf0I
略嫌可惜的是結尾收得有點草率,沒有全部呼應前面的伏筆。8964 copyright protection286PENANAMiPqyvsFgw 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection286PENANAemPhTEUHNT 維尼
很難說的一部參賽作品。290Please respect copyright.PENANAFRFh5dWVLw
前中段表現出色,但到後段直線下降,令心生強烈反差感。290Please respect copyright.PENANAz0fDR8UPUz
以獵巫為背景,不論是女巫、惡魔及人類孩子的佈局也是相當有趣。290Please respect copyright.PENANAwXAaFltXhr
只是結局有種草草了事的感覺,並沒能把前中段鋪墊良久的情感進行爆發,有點可惜。290Please respect copyright.PENANAKehzkUXwDw
宏觀整部作品仍屬不錯的作品,很期待你的進步及完整的故事作品。8964 copyright protection286PENANAlE1laEMyOA 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection286PENANApgMpZITNIN 維尼
這部西方奇幻的作品290Please respect copyright.PENANA05HECdhHsK
可以得到評審們的青睞嗎?8964 copyright protection286PENANAS7Mh7zxD7M 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection286PENANA6U3Qq3V2S0 維尼
嗯……290Please respect copyright.PENANAosYRr2qcQR
這個需要慎重考慮(認真8964 copyright protection286PENANAqV630qnH9J 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection286PENANAXOA6tP1r2D 維尼
= =|||290Please respect copyright.PENANAygFyxJVskp
唉290Please respect copyright.PENANADmbT8ybJxj
這個真有點糾結8964 copyright protection286PENANAHNq1e39V21 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection286PENANAydjSyCkzST 維尼
嘛⋯⋯8964 copyright protection286PENANAdzwu1MjiMO 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection286PENANApAy49JrtOK 維尼
三位還需要點時間嗎?8964 copyright protection286PENANA05leaSYv1d 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection286PENANAGaqDc8A9xQ 維尼
但按實力而言應該沒問題的290Please respect copyright.PENANAwBCHmxBnZf
來吧290Please respect copyright.PENANAMVPacAoPdb
要來終究要來8964 copyright protection286PENANAXDWifYhmCS 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection286PENANAt8FcitLK54 維尼
來!8964 copyright protection286PENANAfEF6nU1hKt 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection286PENANAYS1JsvPHJ9 維尼
來囉8964 copyright protection286PENANAmJeph7wWY5 維尼
3290Please respect copyright.PENANAEGnBNci4Xu
2290Please respect copyright.PENANAOaP5v1N6LP
18964 copyright protection286PENANAxyBCgOJG1b 維尼
8964 copyright protection286PENANAiiAQcyKAKN 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection286PENANAPaDxQRqKnu 維尼
.......................8964 copyright protection286PENANAQzwNsoyswO 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection286PENANA3RvvV4cSoY 維尼
……8964 copyright protection286PENANAwHZ4MKN4wy 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection286PENANAOOjEzLVk3c 維尼
Nani290Please respect copyright.PENANAG6dOoN9GHN
⋯⋯⋯⋯8964 copyright protection286PENANA4hztNXjFDC 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection286PENANA2P9h6Z7foI 維尼
啊?你們怎麼不給圈?290Please respect copyright.PENANA6Wv7NMmeeW
癡線8964 copyright protection286PENANA1Y5fCnbQn9 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection286PENANAZvMbjtvB8w 維尼
你們不是給圈嗎?8964 copyright protection286PENANAtzv3FgIRZO 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection286PENANAHtlvf6V3jz 維尼
可惜了……8964 copyright protection286PENANASNEy1ckdW3 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection286PENANAlnVZ1o1V7T 維尼
我還以為⋯⋯290Please respect copyright.PENANAy2wwJL5WBn
慢著慢著8964 copyright protection286PENANASVIQyqwcQW 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection286PENANAGTveQajzOz 維尼
喂喂喂8964 copyright protection286PENANA8hnmz5AZhY 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection286PENANA9j1bjj3qRB 維尼
我沒有足夠的圈啦8964 copyright protection286PENANAWBTp0gFiRh 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection286PENANAITgonKPEW0 維尼
............290Please respect copyright.PENANA6TA2rbK7SV
哎呀........290Please respect copyright.PENANAbYZgYcbtoN
我以為你們兩個圈我就省下一個8964 copyright protection286PENANA74twkTKk5G 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection286PENANA7MKNUfeYhj 維尼
這賽果290Please respect copyright.PENANA6PcngTnx7V
讓人太震驚了8964 copyright protection286PENANAGiIhd9SgUp 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection286PENANAfv9LuxyO99 維尼
先別到下一篇8964 copyright protection286PENANAluOIINay2U 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection286PENANAd3LB9Keu84 維尼
!!!!290Please respect copyright.PENANA48S5Wp2WCY
紀師父!?8964 copyright protection286PENANACO5h3G6Vz8 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection286PENANAxY32ExWQ6A 維尼
8964 copyright protection286PENANAFZ6XHbillm 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection286PENANAb5AgvA03b4 維尼
!!!!!!!!290Please respect copyright.PENANAa1vgFjOTRr
把他給我救回來8964 copyright protection286PENANAjGxOL4JvON 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection286PENANATgLZ69FX9o 維尼
癡線290Please respect copyright.PENANAPkcfyJQNFT
有沒有那麼帥氣8964 copyright protection286PENANAgdNMVoLR4d 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection286PENANArCNihwAxmP 維尼
竟然290Please respect copyright.PENANAj7Kt5cu1WI
是傳說中的拳法8964 copyright protection286PENANAxRhcgw9cUc 維尼
但你明明給❌290Please respect copyright.PENANAPeTG2OyJbD
……8964 copyright protection286PENANA3bISk4DZwz 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection286PENANAJh1u6URKti 維尼
暴力救市8964 copyright protection286PENANABRxfwF5tpd 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection286PENANA5odOskY7fk 維尼
自己給❌然後自己給誠意拳拳290Please respect copyright.PENANA22lKYyDR5F
女人很恐怖8964 copyright protection286PENANAoKtrYa1mpn 維尼
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是次比賽中少見的古風小説,文筆縱帶點青澀但已見古意,情感方面仍需琢磨,但不失為一部處女佳作。8964 copyright protection286PENANA0uLy42NGdH 維尼
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古風掌握得到位,雖然劇情方面稍微薄弱,但文筆秀麗同整個武俠感的塑造十分成功,讓整體瑕不掩瑜,值得一讚。290Please respect copyright.PENANAILRzUnKvSb
劇情方面有少少以倒敘與插敘的方式寫郡主與師叔的感情。290Please respect copyright.PENANAdNyiztIFuM
這樣的手法雖無不可,但建議可以從多一點的角度去描寫,從不同人的視覺豐富兩個角色。290Please respect copyright.PENANAz6lVvyNcMj
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最出色還是當中的文筆相當成熟,用詞遣字非常出色。290Please respect copyright.PENANAIYBglmpNP8
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一夜十年8964 copyright protection286PENANA5dXGnAw9nn 維尼
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文筆不俗,但要注意下故事編排與節奏。290Please respect copyright.PENANAvcQiFrzAMM
當中父親死因屬於高潮位,雖然情緒是做到出來了,但也無可奈何,變成「噢是這樣嗎?只能這樣了」的感覺。290Please respect copyright.PENANAi6au7U4FYK
當然這種是最「真實」的,但作為說故事而言,或許前段的鋪排多點說父親身體如何壯健,從來沒有病,到中段主角懷疑父親是有暗病,自顧自憐埋怨不幸,到最後才發現真相,讓她決心離去。290Please respect copyright.PENANAiWPqgC5FB7
有了這樣的起承轉合,讀者才會比較容易代入你筆下角色的心路歷程。8964 copyright protection286PENANAQAKnP6l3ZT 維尼
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同意文筆的部分,但作者確實在編排與節奏方面有待改進。親情的互動頗感人和細膩,可惜開首鋪墊不足,末段又結束得太快。290Please respect copyright.PENANAoVSyApg1qR
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比起小說,更傾向散文。290Please respect copyright.PENANAISh8viOskA
宜加強橋段的構思,仔細反思故事橋段並從中表達自己想要表達的意思,或有奇效。8964 copyright protection286PENANA2Fq6LnRQdn 維尼
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一起來!8964 copyright protection286PENANAC0uz96Jrkh 維尼
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文筆是很秀麗的,可造之材,希望繼續努力!8964 copyright protection286PENANA6a8etgjyvc 維尼
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【下集預告】8964 copyright protection286PENANAmQEkWdh7MO 維尼
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我錯了8964 copyright protection286PENANAJfqVRzrb6k 維尼
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