My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 176Please respect copyright.PENANAJfpqOEN1zc
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"176Please respect copyright.PENANAFvLUVxPEx0
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)176Please respect copyright.PENANAHvG1Susy76
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."176Please respect copyright.PENANAt3fJSd4yxj
Hmm... 176Please respect copyright.PENANALlKRHg9a9C
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 176Please respect copyright.PENANAPAMkyHLZPM
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 176Please respect copyright.PENANAh0Fwl8Wq3Q
"You can have have all the adult toys."176Please respect copyright.PENANAdAeaOI05CX
Except for the pecker enhancer!176Please respect copyright.PENANAM5AqhRUv3a
"That's all I need..."176Please respect copyright.PENANAmlA7LLJV5J
"Wait!"176Please respect copyright.PENANAJ9UstOmmzB
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?176Please respect copyright.PENANAu74yeBUmkN
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 176Please respect copyright.PENANAp05NqCvI8J
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 176Please respect copyright.PENANAshc3KSsAdz
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)176Please respect copyright.PENANA9PVIr3zSrR
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"176Please respect copyright.PENANAz9c5BUr1O1
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"176Please respect copyright.PENANAKvceC1zoIp
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!176Please respect copyright.PENANAT154geIXD4
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?176Please respect copyright.PENANAfhFtKcq3on
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!176Please respect copyright.PENANAFEBA56dFJg
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 176Please respect copyright.PENANA6RzY63d22V
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...176Please respect copyright.PENANA5fQdbleIxf
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...176Please respect copyright.PENANAlnRsPMEmni
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you176Please respect copyright.PENANA2c7kbBjx9S
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.176Please respect copyright.PENANAM5XZxJY4kh
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.176Please respect copyright.PENANAQarIUiD4eU
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"176Please respect copyright.PENANAMaAmDvowZs
(Sarah laughs)176Please respect copyright.PENANA4iESTli7Ll
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."176Please respect copyright.PENANA0X5h24yUmi
"Gosh Darn!"176Please respect copyright.PENANANeVOxGsZfm
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...176Please respect copyright.PENANARRmzDt7qEe
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 176Please respect copyright.PENANA5Ow8Jz49kv
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)176Please respect copyright.PENANAx6RIuWHmJ5
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"176Please respect copyright.PENANAwirIVAu0hZ
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 176Please respect copyright.PENANAXsj5xHBxFV
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."176Please respect copyright.PENANAZjITs2N3iP
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 176Please respect copyright.PENANAzx9h6VYDE8
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.176Please respect copyright.PENANAFPsouZbgTj
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...176Please respect copyright.PENANAlFRTMOh9o6
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"176Please respect copyright.PENANA3VqIsZMMqe
(Sarah says what)176Please respect copyright.PENANA3bJVGp3SZc
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."176Please respect copyright.PENANA8CPLkG1hxi
(he laughs and Sarah winks)176Please respect copyright.PENANAcEHOZhPXct
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 176Please respect copyright.PENANAgETWPbKR7q
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 176Please respect copyright.PENANAval9ntImCa
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"176Please respect copyright.PENANA6lIQiNBUdG
(Keith laughs hard)176Please respect copyright.PENANA5q3SclMIZf
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"176Please respect copyright.PENANApclim1Valr
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.176Please respect copyright.PENANA8cud3T7Od4
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)176Please respect copyright.PENANADmHISeRvFl
Honey,176Please respect copyright.PENANAXd6mqq0uQA
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 176Please respect copyright.PENANASdZ0ULKuEp
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?176Please respect copyright.PENANADigU5cXrki
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!176Please respect copyright.PENANAffwLFzUvPH
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)176Please respect copyright.PENANAXumhuwLq6P
Keith says,176Please respect copyright.PENANA2M68oFcnP4
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?176Please respect copyright.PENANAIZDunOD593
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."176Please respect copyright.PENANAs3u0m4wYvP
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)176Please respect copyright.PENANA6DfwXU5hwI
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 176Please respect copyright.PENANAp4YzhzVQB6
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"176Please respect copyright.PENANAGPW5dS0gq7
"Ground beef!"176Please respect copyright.PENANAPlkzRTdXnV
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.176Please respect copyright.PENANAXz9quxsoAu
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 176Please respect copyright.PENANANSYFeAzYns
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 176Please respect copyright.PENANANSFbSvAAHN
Lawsuits.176Please respect copyright.PENANAVMNCbQpVJ3
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.176Please respect copyright.PENANAOIfB4bYg9P
Keith's friends knew him as the 176Please respect copyright.PENANAZbo3dH4BPw
Clown Jester of Bakersville.176Please respect copyright.PENANAijetz9cFDV
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 176Please respect copyright.PENANA8T10HEj4Dr
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"176Please respect copyright.PENANARXXnU0IbDN
Because he was so outstanding in his field!176Please respect copyright.PENANATxHa4DTJfb
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.176Please respect copyright.PENANAx8VByVEM5s
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.176Please respect copyright.PENANANcq1SGewWa
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 176Please respect copyright.PENANAKapskDxsW0
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.176Please respect copyright.PENANAsag9OMp1ck
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"176Please respect copyright.PENANAfKH3BaWe3D
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.176Please respect copyright.PENANABrpFZlMPc2
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.176Please respect copyright.PENANAbN2IXivJTz
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 176Please respect copyright.PENANAY55wnl3Wfa
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.176Please respect copyright.PENANANZ6GD709fa
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 176Please respect copyright.PENANA3E7llseHc0
Having heard them all before, many times.176Please respect copyright.PENANAiHHXED7THm
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.176Please respect copyright.PENANAgnyOZBKT0w
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 176Please respect copyright.PENANAF4zSY7Oc8L
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.176Please respect copyright.PENANA84hrLvkboF
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 176Please respect copyright.PENANAx4jkNqiqMU
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.176Please respect copyright.PENANAjkAo5IAALo
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.176Please respect copyright.PENANAmxLKk5qDOp
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.176Please respect copyright.PENANALhjtNCIRB5
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.176Please respect copyright.PENANAPPTCDycGWG
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.176Please respect copyright.PENANAlpG7DdvzFB
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.176Please respect copyright.PENANAcj0mg2TzxY
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.176Please respect copyright.PENANAx0aa75ECHh
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.176Please respect copyright.PENANA2cuuMvmHo7
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.176Please respect copyright.PENANAqdST1fywyy
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)176Please respect copyright.PENANAF7MM6HZEQW
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!176Please respect copyright.PENANASMnJva3FDS
(audience chuckles)176Please respect copyright.PENANAtGNDsWzmx0
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."176Please respect copyright.PENANAYZjKbeyGWz
I haven't heard from him since.176Please respect copyright.PENANA03D8NuapyE
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."176Please respect copyright.PENANAxmfWddOAQV
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.176Please respect copyright.PENANA22EHfm40Tr
(audience laughing)176Please respect copyright.PENANALwLDAK0tP7
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 176Please respect copyright.PENANAe07u0fqh9v
She still isn't talking to me.176Please respect copyright.PENANAwNd6qlXx4K
(Keith smiles)176Please respect copyright.PENANAxS3SNApQiq
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'176Please respect copyright.PENANAxVRb1e3boV
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 176Please respect copyright.PENANADxJ04pGjcg
but I am on the fence!176Please respect copyright.PENANAa8b0wzfh7O
(audience laughing hard)176Please respect copyright.PENANAXRp5FNp3pq
[He gets on a roll]176Please respect copyright.PENANANZSmKNPP3j
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 176Please respect copyright.PENANAuF1qKf2ZS6
She gave me a hug!176Please respect copyright.PENANAIKzr4dyziH
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."176Please respect copyright.PENANAx0mRnYNSPx
Hey!176Please respect copyright.PENANAO2rOM58RmV
What is the worst combination of illnesses?176Please respect copyright.PENANAsG3HY55EGG
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."176Please respect copyright.PENANAdDhussxaaq
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"176Please respect copyright.PENANAcBRZZp2zUj
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"176Please respect copyright.PENANACXqRWZl8KO
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."176Please respect copyright.PENANAOcgwfxLDVX
How do you get a squirrel to like you?176Please respect copyright.PENANAXDr7zDGa8X
Act like a nut.176Please respect copyright.PENANAeQWtGJzJ09
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.176Please respect copyright.PENANA1ozKqattcX
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.176Please respect copyright.PENANACYJshOpK1p
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.176Please respect copyright.PENANAD55WfzpaoH
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 176Please respect copyright.PENANA0GACnHauxA
So I Left.176Please respect copyright.PENANAvm3qLwxxka
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.176Please respect copyright.PENANAj5krwZI2of
"The steaks were pretty high!"176Please respect copyright.PENANAaqrq2Fr6vV
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."176Please respect copyright.PENANAhIGs9waep7
Goodnight!"176Please respect copyright.PENANAe4M81QZigI
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)176Please respect copyright.PENANAs7zkHrqcQv
He went home happier176Please respect copyright.PENANAdWickruNMd
than he ever
Dreamed!176Please respect copyright.PENANAaPIjC6diCD
176Please respect copyright.PENANArFj2F1CXgV
© Charles Kemp
ns 172.69.7.152da2