My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 166Please respect copyright.PENANAbLYzzt2XxD
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"166Please respect copyright.PENANAdbF5qL6OLz
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)166Please respect copyright.PENANAGDn3MYsCzs
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."166Please respect copyright.PENANAIsn1wEjGGx
Hmm... 166Please respect copyright.PENANASO4r6p46BO
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 166Please respect copyright.PENANAAi8G0E5tcv
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 166Please respect copyright.PENANAXOi089NlUQ
"You can have have all the adult toys."166Please respect copyright.PENANAxkEW4uKVit
Except for the pecker enhancer!166Please respect copyright.PENANA0jJqnsYRKT
"That's all I need..."166Please respect copyright.PENANAa5eOoLKrvl
"Wait!"166Please respect copyright.PENANAqoKMfWXhm4
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?166Please respect copyright.PENANAstSJn5A9b8
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 166Please respect copyright.PENANAKB62p3VjwJ
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 166Please respect copyright.PENANAv2zArux73I
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)166Please respect copyright.PENANA5ckLSxJNQe
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"166Please respect copyright.PENANAwAQZwRSMrI
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"166Please respect copyright.PENANAs3D0fopwHA
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!166Please respect copyright.PENANAt4ZLGmZ1tA
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?166Please respect copyright.PENANASPUvCld8CE
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!166Please respect copyright.PENANARn47CwW6Pc
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 166Please respect copyright.PENANAreE7U8sBIj
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...166Please respect copyright.PENANAnNVT5mCcHn
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...166Please respect copyright.PENANATQ8IUX7YIC
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you166Please respect copyright.PENANASdbMqXQLbm
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.166Please respect copyright.PENANA47uBmH2sJh
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.166Please respect copyright.PENANA1nenvrPByz
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"166Please respect copyright.PENANASwwkdnKkfQ
(Sarah laughs)166Please respect copyright.PENANAypKiF4OBVF
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."166Please respect copyright.PENANAv4vex1UzF6
"Gosh Darn!"166Please respect copyright.PENANAxicoN85z65
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...166Please respect copyright.PENANALW3ekbe1Lk
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 166Please respect copyright.PENANAzonZHt0ltF
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)166Please respect copyright.PENANA5PovVZy49y
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"166Please respect copyright.PENANAdNS3PfWlTK
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 166Please respect copyright.PENANAIhRCsIRckz
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."166Please respect copyright.PENANARViE8Wyzt0
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 166Please respect copyright.PENANARQbAf8q5iH
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.166Please respect copyright.PENANACyUldVABuM
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...166Please respect copyright.PENANA9TVC5jboMb
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"166Please respect copyright.PENANAmezjRn3Wvr
(Sarah says what)166Please respect copyright.PENANAX2PREDkNlw
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."166Please respect copyright.PENANAxc7MOf2l3d
(he laughs and Sarah winks)166Please respect copyright.PENANAD9sKbIyaze
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 166Please respect copyright.PENANA1NeR0l41Xl
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 166Please respect copyright.PENANAX20feDsBQK
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"166Please respect copyright.PENANAXHwdZsGaBS
(Keith laughs hard)166Please respect copyright.PENANAxK1HRWnsMO
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"166Please respect copyright.PENANA8GbYi7sElP
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.166Please respect copyright.PENANATCI07ZtntQ
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)166Please respect copyright.PENANA7KguzqcPNp
Honey,166Please respect copyright.PENANA2f3zujrVfr
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 166Please respect copyright.PENANA7h16PgawwR
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?166Please respect copyright.PENANAUuqT8R383r
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!166Please respect copyright.PENANAce2CMWKNmK
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)166Please respect copyright.PENANAmJIDzaWIsP
Keith says,166Please respect copyright.PENANAYIl66OIlZI
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?166Please respect copyright.PENANAxOlNHLP8M8
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."166Please respect copyright.PENANAlnaCx0QXUk
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)166Please respect copyright.PENANAHGNDBdrvg0
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 166Please respect copyright.PENANA8tMFHqtQ4m
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"166Please respect copyright.PENANA9mhooAsta3
"Ground beef!"166Please respect copyright.PENANAn51d6qnHf2
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.166Please respect copyright.PENANAy5V8HMNrmO
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 166Please respect copyright.PENANADRqmqNOTWn
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 166Please respect copyright.PENANAUDI6z70nV1
Lawsuits.166Please respect copyright.PENANAad5iQFgj3d
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.166Please respect copyright.PENANA9CKG4y5K0x
Keith's friends knew him as the 166Please respect copyright.PENANAqp5WIz0mhM
Clown Jester of Bakersville.166Please respect copyright.PENANA31Qozt2Tu5
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 166Please respect copyright.PENANAcS0o0cjigU
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"166Please respect copyright.PENANAmmm73ckpr8
Because he was so outstanding in his field!166Please respect copyright.PENANAnbjZkk0t42
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.166Please respect copyright.PENANAjFoUzLt4GO
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.166Please respect copyright.PENANApQaEFAcVuN
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 166Please respect copyright.PENANATPt5WufprN
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.166Please respect copyright.PENANAOMRB2imXou
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"166Please respect copyright.PENANAznopIFLUss
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.166Please respect copyright.PENANA1qqH9phpfo
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.166Please respect copyright.PENANAcUBfttbdN9
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 166Please respect copyright.PENANAs2tqWKWm2a
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.166Please respect copyright.PENANAbdEypBdXYW
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 166Please respect copyright.PENANAPPtoCfD2dJ
Having heard them all before, many times.166Please respect copyright.PENANA8XJtYtLRCc
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.166Please respect copyright.PENANA6YE4nZvN2w
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 166Please respect copyright.PENANAuIvSplqUsM
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.166Please respect copyright.PENANAcBxwjzfzFJ
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 166Please respect copyright.PENANAul5LiPEbtD
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.166Please respect copyright.PENANAwAA0gBekRK
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.166Please respect copyright.PENANAoxxCqxuNrv
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.166Please respect copyright.PENANAazwoOyEvtB
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.166Please respect copyright.PENANAeX9VHZ1w51
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.166Please respect copyright.PENANAduu2TQGSDv
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.166Please respect copyright.PENANAtd89NlwsQB
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.166Please respect copyright.PENANAzqo8lN2NpQ
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.166Please respect copyright.PENANA1b7ToxDuPW
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.166Please respect copyright.PENANAGbmFMthjsD
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)166Please respect copyright.PENANAfeHkHURYE1
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!166Please respect copyright.PENANAnuCNrGdewQ
(audience chuckles)166Please respect copyright.PENANA8zfLe7aheH
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."166Please respect copyright.PENANAkMUUoWbdZs
I haven't heard from him since.166Please respect copyright.PENANAMl6G9l4nAI
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."166Please respect copyright.PENANAZzc2MF05Do
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.166Please respect copyright.PENANADHD1kmCs9n
(audience laughing)166Please respect copyright.PENANAKutPuwysqL
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 166Please respect copyright.PENANAmKKwS6P2Fs
She still isn't talking to me.166Please respect copyright.PENANAYTlkn87LL0
(Keith smiles)166Please respect copyright.PENANA48ikDB3lTP
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'166Please respect copyright.PENANAUXdRhJqaxo
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 166Please respect copyright.PENANAHaxvhSJEIv
but I am on the fence!166Please respect copyright.PENANAjHC2yjzIx4
(audience laughing hard)166Please respect copyright.PENANAastIKQL025
[He gets on a roll]166Please respect copyright.PENANAx5P5cnssWH
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 166Please respect copyright.PENANATUuj6oI1RL
She gave me a hug!166Please respect copyright.PENANA5vw35kTWoC
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."166Please respect copyright.PENANAWmxHCbZy2X
Hey!166Please respect copyright.PENANAwegtzgrsQr
What is the worst combination of illnesses?166Please respect copyright.PENANA1CtBZiXOBd
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."166Please respect copyright.PENANAhKIUfvaa6g
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"166Please respect copyright.PENANAKdT3V54hfw
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"166Please respect copyright.PENANAmIby3x8CHI
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."166Please respect copyright.PENANAYtkMA9Wb4V
How do you get a squirrel to like you?166Please respect copyright.PENANAtMEZkpPObV
Act like a nut.166Please respect copyright.PENANAdWEecgIdD8
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.166Please respect copyright.PENANAJqO6TaUHXR
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.166Please respect copyright.PENANAWP5kXgQmec
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.166Please respect copyright.PENANAIwHfgEIJwR
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 166Please respect copyright.PENANAaM2KVwv0Q9
So I Left.166Please respect copyright.PENANAvd85NqSuJ4
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.166Please respect copyright.PENANAcurLEYWuDG
"The steaks were pretty high!"166Please respect copyright.PENANAhgdfdMZxPq
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."166Please respect copyright.PENANAtOjzzyERuP
Goodnight!"166Please respect copyright.PENANANSfcZ7QCl9
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)166Please respect copyright.PENANAFVPujUQS8m
He went home happier166Please respect copyright.PENANAvdORTrAxy6
than he ever
Dreamed!166Please respect copyright.PENANAjsNsYAVvb8
166Please respect copyright.PENANA3a3FNciNr0
© Charles Kemp
ns 172.70.130.184da2