[bgm music to read to]
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"I don't remember myself being this pathetic before...174Please respect copyright.PENANAxZXV1aLVGj
I have no motivation left to try, I don't have any patience left in me...174Please respect copyright.PENANAZ9QXWSqyzM
I feel like I'm becoming more and more useless each day.174Please respect copyright.PENANA08Sd3R3UP2
And I know that i don't even try, but I get so anxious when I think about exams..."174Please respect copyright.PENANAXiwTuK5GLz
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"I'm scared of being left behind... forever."174Please respect copyright.PENANAxcTHjeNuh2
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"I'm scared that I might give up on myself."
Have I already given up on myself?
"It's rough, it's lonely... and I don't see a way out."
"Time waits for no one."
"I don't have the willpower to change, and I'm a master at justifying myself." 174Please respect copyright.PENANARxdWss5F7Z
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But...174Please respect copyright.PENANAuzvUDUR59R
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"We all have our ups and downs. We're human. It's incredibly hard to be consistent, since we're not machines (ISTJs go brrrr though). As long as we think, we'll keep on making excuses for ourselves... and that's normal. Everyone does it. 174Please respect copyright.PENANA9V6QtF042B
At the end of the day, you're worrying and thinking about your own future. 174Please respect copyright.PENANArWQp8Rsll1
A person who thinks about changes, and is willing to change...174Please respect copyright.PENANAoxqXav89gk
Is absolutely not pathetic.174Please respect copyright.PENANAvaBHJnSz1M
You're not garbage."174Please respect copyright.PENANADBC3TlUme2
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"Being strong enough to get up and fight every day is a special talent. You never know, there might be someone very close to you doing it... just for you."
I know I don't work very hard, but I hate being told that more than almost everything. I hate it when my parents remind me that I've done nothing. I hate it when they tell me to do work. Stupid, isn't it?
I once told my parents that I would continue to feel inferior, worthless and unsuccessful if I don't make a decent salary in a few years. You know what they said?174Please respect copyright.PENANARP3Lcd77iW
"It's okay. You don't need to make money. You can live under our our roof forever."174Please respect copyright.PENANA0MK5hMduz3
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I don't want that though. Despite everything, I want to live by my own efforts. I'm a mess, yet I don't want anyone's help. I mean, I can ask for help when I need it, but...174Please respect copyright.PENANACXRxQ0rH30
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Sorry, mum. Nothing's working out for you huh?174Please respect copyright.PENANAlAeA2UBWW7
You wasted all your money on all the sports, instruments, tutoring lessons on your son. 174Please respect copyright.PENANAXwjvPnq7T6
Your son didn’t meet all your expectations.174Please respect copyright.PENANA1WoDare3J2
Your son doesn't want to get married.174Please respect copyright.PENANALPWI1XwlYV
Your son might just end up a broke loser on the street.174Please respect copyright.PENANAL2HypFuLEi
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You know, you paid thousands of dollars for my overnight contact lenses, only for me to be too lazy to wear it.174Please respect copyright.PENANAqjT9mlL44z
You paid another thousand for me to do that Duke of Edinburgh challenge, though I never submitted my report and ended up never getting the certification. I still never told you... to this day.
Sorry, dad. 174Please respect copyright.PENANA89kr36CJm8
I know I said I'd pay you back for everything you've given to me, but I don't know if I can.
I might just be the worthless child you tried so hard to prevent me being.
Hahaha.
I'm sorry, I'm just a coward, so I just want to run away. Take the easy way out.174Please respect copyright.PENANAYfQfcZGdqr
I'm scared of failing, so.
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But today, too, I'm still alive. So even though I've accomplished nothing, even when it looks like there's no escape, I'll keep going. I have to keep going. I'll finish my degree. If I get a full-time job, so be it. If I don't, then that's fine. I might regret it. But at the end of the day, I'm alive. No matter how afraid I am for tomorrow, I'll have to face it. The main thing keeping me unhappy... is me.
Thanks for loving me. I'm sorry I can't love you back as of now, or maybe for a long time to come. But maybe one day, I will.174Please respect copyright.PENANAaXWI4FYyM6
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Sincerely,174Please respect copyright.PENANAa4zdabshmi
Your son Charlie.174Please respect copyright.PENANA1gDr1fHko6
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P.S. Screw you sis /j.174Please respect copyright.PENANARfeohd9V5X
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[I remembered the existence of this song midway through writing this]174Please respect copyright.PENANAltbqgghrST
... And on a whim, I sent a voice message containing all of this to my parents (it's 3am right now, but my parents are on vacation elsewhere). Saying it out loud is really something, huh.174Please respect copyright.PENANATvkLKRfKNi
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My mother just sent me back a hug emoji and "goodnight" as it was the last word of my voice message as well. Not going to lie, I think that's the best thing she's ever said or texted. I wonder if she'll write a long paragraph or send a long voice message back later.