My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 172Please respect copyright.PENANAAGnCGJvdQI
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"172Please respect copyright.PENANAGZ4ONikZCX
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)172Please respect copyright.PENANA6Vqj1iWJY9
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."172Please respect copyright.PENANAuNfjZN9kRb
Hmm... 172Please respect copyright.PENANAaX0zhBEkxT
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 172Please respect copyright.PENANAE1k1fgd813
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 172Please respect copyright.PENANAWgZkdmYBxw
"You can have have all the adult toys."172Please respect copyright.PENANA8V4xCtZR4W
Except for the pecker enhancer!172Please respect copyright.PENANAXxjdKtXCAb
"That's all I need..."172Please respect copyright.PENANAFJAeR0PCB8
"Wait!"172Please respect copyright.PENANAlBL5nzINLk
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?172Please respect copyright.PENANAl9gvOZzTQ8
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 172Please respect copyright.PENANA1FAOh0m3wC
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 172Please respect copyright.PENANAeIsuDDyXkU
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)172Please respect copyright.PENANAb2APKGqF1G
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"172Please respect copyright.PENANAirfcZ62uJ9
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"172Please respect copyright.PENANAcRgcY3Q6U0
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!172Please respect copyright.PENANAhE6ZREVcvF
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?172Please respect copyright.PENANA69W9vnQgXb
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!172Please respect copyright.PENANAGV8USj0Heu
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 172Please respect copyright.PENANAwwMlg3NxaU
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...172Please respect copyright.PENANAlO5JCSpXYZ
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...172Please respect copyright.PENANAyOZpKdsl2e
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you172Please respect copyright.PENANAeYxsMwMOJL
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.172Please respect copyright.PENANAhofQiXfZMI
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.172Please respect copyright.PENANAZYjn6k8CiF
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"172Please respect copyright.PENANAhfb162W3zq
(Sarah laughs)172Please respect copyright.PENANATWWqXkxnFV
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."172Please respect copyright.PENANAgIkjQvjGKf
"Gosh Darn!"172Please respect copyright.PENANAvLhw0PGezL
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...172Please respect copyright.PENANAAHIE1T6Lc5
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 172Please respect copyright.PENANADqZfENRQcx
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)172Please respect copyright.PENANAsmcAi0f6vU
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"172Please respect copyright.PENANAzd06NJzCOg
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 172Please respect copyright.PENANAd7Epsg9Wv2
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."172Please respect copyright.PENANAuFveAlRcKq
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 172Please respect copyright.PENANAWGFRTmRUb6
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.172Please respect copyright.PENANAiYHnkdPoTh
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...172Please respect copyright.PENANAgkaY0yUDfC
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"172Please respect copyright.PENANAs9G9y2DeiL
(Sarah says what)172Please respect copyright.PENANAHabrgpTWyr
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."172Please respect copyright.PENANA1b0XkACIZD
(he laughs and Sarah winks)172Please respect copyright.PENANAlg3Jy47D5E
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 172Please respect copyright.PENANAp74VEHJDfa
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 172Please respect copyright.PENANAq0i7slLc71
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"172Please respect copyright.PENANAYXc8PQTcwc
(Keith laughs hard)172Please respect copyright.PENANAIvoJVbV2hr
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"172Please respect copyright.PENANAPuvndCZsI1
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.172Please respect copyright.PENANAKHj5S6Dhxr
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)172Please respect copyright.PENANAIrN7dluJ9S
Honey,172Please respect copyright.PENANAData8MQOnU
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 172Please respect copyright.PENANAzwAATZg7OE
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?172Please respect copyright.PENANAtMmqz9vxiU
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!172Please respect copyright.PENANAeucLNyfSQc
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)172Please respect copyright.PENANAF4Soo5mBcT
Keith says,172Please respect copyright.PENANAZ6ZqsyOa5v
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?172Please respect copyright.PENANAjavnTop4at
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."172Please respect copyright.PENANAiXJUgSFqOo
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)172Please respect copyright.PENANAT5tzbhnVeI
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 172Please respect copyright.PENANAL61Jd4Ej6t
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"172Please respect copyright.PENANAjvmcyhKRN1
"Ground beef!"172Please respect copyright.PENANAZiiK1GrDOb
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.172Please respect copyright.PENANA3pBWXNFezI
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 172Please respect copyright.PENANAcGDuKodKHf
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 172Please respect copyright.PENANAoX2l7JhDDJ
Lawsuits.172Please respect copyright.PENANACCkjJhAlSk
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.172Please respect copyright.PENANABzyhlUW8t9
Keith's friends knew him as the 172Please respect copyright.PENANA3XZ1wtVMPZ
Clown Jester of Bakersville.172Please respect copyright.PENANABBhewghbeR
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 172Please respect copyright.PENANAzzIxzqdGAG
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"172Please respect copyright.PENANAEb6cXnTCXk
Because he was so outstanding in his field!172Please respect copyright.PENANAnvOHCD5xfK
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.172Please respect copyright.PENANAbTZiaDPXXX
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.172Please respect copyright.PENANA1wpG9qrGtV
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 172Please respect copyright.PENANAxB2rf3NPay
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.172Please respect copyright.PENANAc5M7IuuAhD
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"172Please respect copyright.PENANAXIKIhIAv34
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.172Please respect copyright.PENANA7472AyMDdg
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.172Please respect copyright.PENANACHxtlcLW9T
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 172Please respect copyright.PENANAzotj2wzaIN
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.172Please respect copyright.PENANA9OKPCxhDad
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 172Please respect copyright.PENANARPcvcNq6JP
Having heard them all before, many times.172Please respect copyright.PENANA1JQtANgN7H
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.172Please respect copyright.PENANA7mnnP6hODJ
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 172Please respect copyright.PENANAPsCuQtsVUT
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.172Please respect copyright.PENANA9VO80XWysJ
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 172Please respect copyright.PENANAMwUE4orfge
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.172Please respect copyright.PENANAqpH1P29OPR
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.172Please respect copyright.PENANAxBzAxZRb4r
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.172Please respect copyright.PENANAT4O7UOSg5o
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.172Please respect copyright.PENANASQAyzz2ocL
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.172Please respect copyright.PENANAedxIZTIWlj
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.172Please respect copyright.PENANAsWizMpH51q
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.172Please respect copyright.PENANAFvZQChejNm
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.172Please respect copyright.PENANAYUlVkSJsrN
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.172Please respect copyright.PENANADCNPB4RH38
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)172Please respect copyright.PENANALqiWZYz0di
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!172Please respect copyright.PENANAUe0kZlW6P0
(audience chuckles)172Please respect copyright.PENANAVh7veigg1d
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."172Please respect copyright.PENANARp4JSAmeDs
I haven't heard from him since.172Please respect copyright.PENANAFnQy6udE1V
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."172Please respect copyright.PENANA7tRDJOQBEY
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.172Please respect copyright.PENANA4JMx1L1NTv
(audience laughing)172Please respect copyright.PENANABrOC1zu7Nz
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 172Please respect copyright.PENANAI2GwTfZgNA
She still isn't talking to me.172Please respect copyright.PENANAN6KOU6ZXZn
(Keith smiles)172Please respect copyright.PENANA8idbv6oJsE
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'172Please respect copyright.PENANAxKtap1qePD
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 172Please respect copyright.PENANAN4xMYAfEWq
but I am on the fence!172Please respect copyright.PENANA5C04tXzOWU
(audience laughing hard)172Please respect copyright.PENANANNAitOul8D
[He gets on a roll]172Please respect copyright.PENANAaKSM2LFu1x
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 172Please respect copyright.PENANAgFrZEk0a7c
She gave me a hug!172Please respect copyright.PENANAG45hI41MwY
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."172Please respect copyright.PENANAOBE27io2p1
Hey!172Please respect copyright.PENANArdj9HrRwgR
What is the worst combination of illnesses?172Please respect copyright.PENANAQagHKIlh8L
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."172Please respect copyright.PENANAN6Xbrp6K9I
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"172Please respect copyright.PENANAbafTfUzti3
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"172Please respect copyright.PENANAQqUkFgZ8fE
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."172Please respect copyright.PENANAPgzrlgVHrt
How do you get a squirrel to like you?172Please respect copyright.PENANAcaBzHSvxjI
Act like a nut.172Please respect copyright.PENANAuG2bTK0guk
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.172Please respect copyright.PENANANOwG6z7iKA
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.172Please respect copyright.PENANAviGhnMe08v
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.172Please respect copyright.PENANA7cGERCBGLS
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 172Please respect copyright.PENANAXHed14D8Aa
So I Left.172Please respect copyright.PENANAFV658VjS10
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.172Please respect copyright.PENANAhwGcnXNpB1
"The steaks were pretty high!"172Please respect copyright.PENANA2etC4NmICi
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."172Please respect copyright.PENANAoBTr7X6orb
Goodnight!"172Please respect copyright.PENANAnDrXewHtvI
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)172Please respect copyright.PENANAow7LJX3gDq
He went home happier172Please respect copyright.PENANAk324MeX8Lf
than he ever
Dreamed!172Please respect copyright.PENANApvez0l4pr6
172Please respect copyright.PENANA0n4Bxy3Wjx
© Charles Kemp
ns 172.70.130.107da2