My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 156Please respect copyright.PENANAmZrlrPogKd
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"156Please respect copyright.PENANAYJ5eYd6BHB
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)156Please respect copyright.PENANA2QsDW0TDMB
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."156Please respect copyright.PENANAGyxPqAs1S7
Hmm... 156Please respect copyright.PENANAha6nEfWOHR
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 156Please respect copyright.PENANA2P4kTiFQmJ
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 156Please respect copyright.PENANA0u4heV0dZX
"You can have have all the adult toys."156Please respect copyright.PENANA3g2BiAz34y
Except for the pecker enhancer!156Please respect copyright.PENANAP0IGkBQxTA
"That's all I need..."156Please respect copyright.PENANAAXa18gWfz4
"Wait!"156Please respect copyright.PENANAo7bydd4EYs
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?156Please respect copyright.PENANAioDSoMiQ90
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 156Please respect copyright.PENANAkA2sdKklo4
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 156Please respect copyright.PENANAOMZvtmP1NR
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)156Please respect copyright.PENANAInWGrqwzy8
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"156Please respect copyright.PENANAxykJg3xBM5
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"156Please respect copyright.PENANAYEZXPBat2i
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!156Please respect copyright.PENANAl6fedY0LCQ
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?156Please respect copyright.PENANA8bymXDmhHX
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!156Please respect copyright.PENANA6yoJOcSCYi
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 156Please respect copyright.PENANAPl5kCkpeDW
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...156Please respect copyright.PENANAOvgFXCK6uj
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...156Please respect copyright.PENANAuMFTYxM8Qj
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you156Please respect copyright.PENANAQmXGwd2jcw
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.156Please respect copyright.PENANAQOwZ9XE8j8
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.156Please respect copyright.PENANAtc4akSrs62
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"156Please respect copyright.PENANAPxhSJs3P2w
(Sarah laughs)156Please respect copyright.PENANAgZ7wrfPd4W
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."156Please respect copyright.PENANAbFn5wj2nub
"Gosh Darn!"156Please respect copyright.PENANAH88LJDvZbr
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...156Please respect copyright.PENANAgfvdFzXFa5
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 156Please respect copyright.PENANAtWI6j04fIq
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)156Please respect copyright.PENANAUTRdwicVEb
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"156Please respect copyright.PENANA9HR6lM0kWW
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 156Please respect copyright.PENANAzbKPU6Io2R
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."156Please respect copyright.PENANA5POTkWtO4H
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 156Please respect copyright.PENANASk9fjUPiPv
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.156Please respect copyright.PENANA4ufK08o7Sy
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...156Please respect copyright.PENANAcz4NP56m4y
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"156Please respect copyright.PENANAR1ir91KJyM
(Sarah says what)156Please respect copyright.PENANA407TguU3FX
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."156Please respect copyright.PENANAjIQYDvR9or
(he laughs and Sarah winks)156Please respect copyright.PENANAvkHK4EJXzu
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 156Please respect copyright.PENANA4CL7MqVhcN
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 156Please respect copyright.PENANAvT0hga6sSf
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"156Please respect copyright.PENANA7wBtegtlUQ
(Keith laughs hard)156Please respect copyright.PENANAyi2JZ6XJEJ
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"156Please respect copyright.PENANA4GeP5VCCs3
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.156Please respect copyright.PENANA4Xt7dxwHfY
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)156Please respect copyright.PENANAVC4xxDawJf
Honey,156Please respect copyright.PENANAB9i52dRoaO
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 156Please respect copyright.PENANADC7n40dbWN
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?156Please respect copyright.PENANAl6sWw8I8TO
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!156Please respect copyright.PENANABGx2pZYrFK
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)156Please respect copyright.PENANA6KkeqclWy3
Keith says,156Please respect copyright.PENANAvemNcKi241
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?156Please respect copyright.PENANArpoZRhb9NA
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."156Please respect copyright.PENANAAKxggtKA15
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)156Please respect copyright.PENANAZWO7wKMwyW
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 156Please respect copyright.PENANAaEBV51l2At
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"156Please respect copyright.PENANA7IYfllWgLS
"Ground beef!"156Please respect copyright.PENANA2jneRTpANu
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.156Please respect copyright.PENANAEkOoflYpq9
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 156Please respect copyright.PENANAuvg7qaF2Ui
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 156Please respect copyright.PENANA1dbW9U9dcw
Lawsuits.156Please respect copyright.PENANAJC4hc3J7AG
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.156Please respect copyright.PENANAIkKE1aTWXC
Keith's friends knew him as the 156Please respect copyright.PENANA4O7sUtRuOi
Clown Jester of Bakersville.156Please respect copyright.PENANAG7Qt2XIMbX
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 156Please respect copyright.PENANATeQ64jt9MC
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"156Please respect copyright.PENANAZSaIDxsuVM
Because he was so outstanding in his field!156Please respect copyright.PENANAZsFWcoYFqD
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.156Please respect copyright.PENANAWso3QrJkkf
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.156Please respect copyright.PENANAtdbxUZ91Hq
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 156Please respect copyright.PENANAXG7dBWpM0v
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.156Please respect copyright.PENANAysLSJoKlSi
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"156Please respect copyright.PENANA54OiiXfGeG
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.156Please respect copyright.PENANAEXPSKrn8a6
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.156Please respect copyright.PENANAAhGuNRBYM1
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 156Please respect copyright.PENANAYTbsJvbpjT
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.156Please respect copyright.PENANAe3ox4PNRi4
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 156Please respect copyright.PENANAaa2WhOHWOi
Having heard them all before, many times.156Please respect copyright.PENANAGu0ywRWTiY
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.156Please respect copyright.PENANAm4uwRPpubx
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 156Please respect copyright.PENANA9KXpuPMXOn
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.156Please respect copyright.PENANAeKnXPMBCHX
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 156Please respect copyright.PENANAMBEwvzqrx8
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.156Please respect copyright.PENANApVD7K1zwAJ
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.156Please respect copyright.PENANAASU5jozdKV
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.156Please respect copyright.PENANACasuPncBOn
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.156Please respect copyright.PENANAcTF1ONzI8j
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.156Please respect copyright.PENANAH6aFYRMy9z
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.156Please respect copyright.PENANA0BO6SZNkPe
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.156Please respect copyright.PENANAcLUi3CvUhv
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.156Please respect copyright.PENANAzPNUzi1OLz
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.156Please respect copyright.PENANADFKFmxmpUc
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)156Please respect copyright.PENANAwVs92hw3wL
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!156Please respect copyright.PENANA2mqB02rfPR
(audience chuckles)156Please respect copyright.PENANASRph1MccHe
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."156Please respect copyright.PENANASqxrKSH2VE
I haven't heard from him since.156Please respect copyright.PENANA4R0e9y5U5J
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."156Please respect copyright.PENANAExWGCwNsAj
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.156Please respect copyright.PENANAYuhZUGOCii
(audience laughing)156Please respect copyright.PENANA53NwWMEUej
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 156Please respect copyright.PENANACnKyAEyBHT
She still isn't talking to me.156Please respect copyright.PENANA66RA29DlRF
(Keith smiles)156Please respect copyright.PENANAXjdhKzZg9C
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'156Please respect copyright.PENANALK7gpenFaP
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 156Please respect copyright.PENANAYTKTECsJZe
but I am on the fence!156Please respect copyright.PENANARNNoG8LkxQ
(audience laughing hard)156Please respect copyright.PENANAecV7GzITBL
[He gets on a roll]156Please respect copyright.PENANAs8DOznGGHO
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 156Please respect copyright.PENANAiQW3ImqHvY
She gave me a hug!156Please respect copyright.PENANAgs8TYNSmbu
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."156Please respect copyright.PENANAEfmpDaEk1P
Hey!156Please respect copyright.PENANABl1bantEjM
What is the worst combination of illnesses?156Please respect copyright.PENANAW4V9mIa3a4
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."156Please respect copyright.PENANAs4bdfoSnH5
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"156Please respect copyright.PENANAQNIJHD1Atr
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"156Please respect copyright.PENANAUhbSL0Vm39
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."156Please respect copyright.PENANAvPpQ81U4pR
How do you get a squirrel to like you?156Please respect copyright.PENANAbF7Hkgrs0m
Act like a nut.156Please respect copyright.PENANAmCfZkJeMg2
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.156Please respect copyright.PENANARI52CxSKJX
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.156Please respect copyright.PENANAMHkQCFZn6T
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.156Please respect copyright.PENANAfNmdC4kF1j
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 156Please respect copyright.PENANApixRVpacUs
So I Left.156Please respect copyright.PENANAU0d4R6pTjy
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.156Please respect copyright.PENANAveasiyEbAz
"The steaks were pretty high!"156Please respect copyright.PENANAmC43oVlIKR
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."156Please respect copyright.PENANA0KobarZSQ2
Goodnight!"156Please respect copyright.PENANAMBPfSyFpVV
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)156Please respect copyright.PENANAWhpg1AeImN
He went home happier156Please respect copyright.PENANAtl7PtxcQip
than he ever
Dreamed!156Please respect copyright.PENANAk4w32xJgoi
156Please respect copyright.PENANAQtFgNAxHDB
© Charles Kemp
ns 172.69.7.3da2