My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 157Please respect copyright.PENANA1INzgAzHll
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"157Please respect copyright.PENANAV7i8mmfsM6
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)157Please respect copyright.PENANAYqCaJBuurC
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."157Please respect copyright.PENANA5b7S9T9Km1
Hmm... 157Please respect copyright.PENANAuPGdbaXJjY
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 157Please respect copyright.PENANALBuBOnxIkz
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 157Please respect copyright.PENANAW4r3o9zI7c
"You can have have all the adult toys."157Please respect copyright.PENANA9FTdrc36OW
Except for the pecker enhancer!157Please respect copyright.PENANAbMbGAdk41x
"That's all I need..."157Please respect copyright.PENANAntVtf8Quh7
"Wait!"157Please respect copyright.PENANAJmNoffXwet
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?157Please respect copyright.PENANAvSXATe5VE4
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 157Please respect copyright.PENANAmKgrLn2oRF
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 157Please respect copyright.PENANA0CdwHupwLo
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)157Please respect copyright.PENANAJQuIuUkJjw
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"157Please respect copyright.PENANAlV9zWGetWb
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"157Please respect copyright.PENANAxGWLCEE27q
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!157Please respect copyright.PENANA3Mnb1LR7NF
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?157Please respect copyright.PENANAGsfR5puBP8
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!157Please respect copyright.PENANAR2aCo36vxP
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 157Please respect copyright.PENANAUy3ey1Pzjz
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...157Please respect copyright.PENANAJ7qRec3dEQ
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...157Please respect copyright.PENANA5DGylygZG6
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you157Please respect copyright.PENANAdqDxrXC0Ln
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.157Please respect copyright.PENANAtzJHeiRWRs
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.157Please respect copyright.PENANAVjMnugEhwM
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"157Please respect copyright.PENANAxreQRPmY55
(Sarah laughs)157Please respect copyright.PENANAIoV2ETKHI1
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."157Please respect copyright.PENANA2Tm3LLftZK
"Gosh Darn!"157Please respect copyright.PENANAtTsmI4tZUU
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...157Please respect copyright.PENANAmL8nyGbTP0
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 157Please respect copyright.PENANAONe0CxKPUn
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)157Please respect copyright.PENANAIO4sXZjsD8
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"157Please respect copyright.PENANAt3dL6SS6rh
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 157Please respect copyright.PENANA0W7rH2qSsQ
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."157Please respect copyright.PENANA0dLWoUSese
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 157Please respect copyright.PENANAJ7fWUhjN4E
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.157Please respect copyright.PENANAO57s5RGNeu
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...157Please respect copyright.PENANA8K4WZ8TDhT
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"157Please respect copyright.PENANAmwiPQoyQR4
(Sarah says what)157Please respect copyright.PENANA6d8cOh4bYr
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."157Please respect copyright.PENANA5lMYHmNcaC
(he laughs and Sarah winks)157Please respect copyright.PENANACkWHCmogCR
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 157Please respect copyright.PENANAdozENrqycC
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 157Please respect copyright.PENANAOVVmSXQYMN
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"157Please respect copyright.PENANAEBtpYluk40
(Keith laughs hard)157Please respect copyright.PENANAAUPLuguUUy
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"157Please respect copyright.PENANA25CQYZwhr2
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.157Please respect copyright.PENANASQFPEE6j9B
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)157Please respect copyright.PENANAGJDIOF0V6m
Honey,157Please respect copyright.PENANAfq0p3L50pS
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 157Please respect copyright.PENANAL4Dy6dY3NS
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?157Please respect copyright.PENANAw0sRtiMEJ7
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!157Please respect copyright.PENANARqZlOEOJBn
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)157Please respect copyright.PENANA2g7i20fwSg
Keith says,157Please respect copyright.PENANArK9VGSyVJM
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?157Please respect copyright.PENANABXVRYro2U6
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."157Please respect copyright.PENANA6wDkQESeDC
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)157Please respect copyright.PENANAWtCp41CEdE
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 157Please respect copyright.PENANArkUHr3rO9A
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"157Please respect copyright.PENANAbHQ5FttLGm
"Ground beef!"157Please respect copyright.PENANAlvVq0ympdf
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.157Please respect copyright.PENANA7DHHYjAt0Z
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 157Please respect copyright.PENANAMITSiaUi7n
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 157Please respect copyright.PENANA97eGURqwj1
Lawsuits.157Please respect copyright.PENANAEmJT6IfdKt
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.157Please respect copyright.PENANAmsws22Tpkp
Keith's friends knew him as the 157Please respect copyright.PENANAqQWQCTqF9O
Clown Jester of Bakersville.157Please respect copyright.PENANArj5mRPYIgO
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 157Please respect copyright.PENANA4iQf88Sxnk
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"157Please respect copyright.PENANAOa7zCNzJ6w
Because he was so outstanding in his field!157Please respect copyright.PENANAtbIRYsEGpH
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.157Please respect copyright.PENANAn0yAsG1cmQ
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.157Please respect copyright.PENANAOLOOhGkhvr
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 157Please respect copyright.PENANAWwGYZIDhXs
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.157Please respect copyright.PENANAjNcHlZVYzG
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"157Please respect copyright.PENANALnmbz2FV5r
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.157Please respect copyright.PENANASHJ0aNsRX9
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.157Please respect copyright.PENANAlO3Okz8jhL
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 157Please respect copyright.PENANAsLbV57dPyb
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.157Please respect copyright.PENANA1gtm8zhol5
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 157Please respect copyright.PENANA8lG1Fj1CtB
Having heard them all before, many times.157Please respect copyright.PENANA8uwsZiF4X6
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.157Please respect copyright.PENANA0mhxiqYbLn
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 157Please respect copyright.PENANAVGIhVZOteA
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.157Please respect copyright.PENANAgJiVgH1Azb
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 157Please respect copyright.PENANAvpwy1Ib5BU
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.157Please respect copyright.PENANA7ob16LowGF
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.157Please respect copyright.PENANAtOYTxAhLNg
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.157Please respect copyright.PENANAmpWDn9ds3V
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.157Please respect copyright.PENANAICY0NTm41U
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.157Please respect copyright.PENANAZ3KPBJYObo
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.157Please respect copyright.PENANAmqQnnir7QR
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.157Please respect copyright.PENANAHweNCvfFPN
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.157Please respect copyright.PENANAy9nx0Z0PtS
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.157Please respect copyright.PENANAXo1xMw9PL0
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)157Please respect copyright.PENANAK3KTWpQYIa
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!157Please respect copyright.PENANAzZcoqyNgvx
(audience chuckles)157Please respect copyright.PENANA9ibcvsv4GW
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."157Please respect copyright.PENANA95KAbqnK77
I haven't heard from him since.157Please respect copyright.PENANA29EdtFxCZ8
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."157Please respect copyright.PENANAzvV6lc16UD
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.157Please respect copyright.PENANAUiFWZ9u0TR
(audience laughing)157Please respect copyright.PENANA7FquOXV01C
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 157Please respect copyright.PENANA8S65lkLLuP
She still isn't talking to me.157Please respect copyright.PENANANXCjbYDTx8
(Keith smiles)157Please respect copyright.PENANAlhMvaC5oiG
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'157Please respect copyright.PENANAzcloZu8FOk
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 157Please respect copyright.PENANAnPhFzgDOGE
but I am on the fence!157Please respect copyright.PENANAj00fOWp4ZE
(audience laughing hard)157Please respect copyright.PENANA2NzIM93yqy
[He gets on a roll]157Please respect copyright.PENANAPQfJ9j0MT0
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 157Please respect copyright.PENANA3VQt55TWGM
She gave me a hug!157Please respect copyright.PENANArYHkz8JX3y
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."157Please respect copyright.PENANARS6utBMX2P
Hey!157Please respect copyright.PENANA9i3z6WmvjZ
What is the worst combination of illnesses?157Please respect copyright.PENANA4aqkqXf0uu
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."157Please respect copyright.PENANAVMgkp4OrEa
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"157Please respect copyright.PENANA1vb9A0L9nL
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"157Please respect copyright.PENANAAD0LuPgsns
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."157Please respect copyright.PENANAkcBujc7Yx5
How do you get a squirrel to like you?157Please respect copyright.PENANAYrOE7UO7C0
Act like a nut.157Please respect copyright.PENANAbTHxwZvjGn
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.157Please respect copyright.PENANAxDvTcjOLb9
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.157Please respect copyright.PENANArPOfr49b1g
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.157Please respect copyright.PENANAdXzFk1fpAG
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 157Please respect copyright.PENANA0XW2lW5UvV
So I Left.157Please respect copyright.PENANAqmEfRs059u
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.157Please respect copyright.PENANAAWmJBsLzu9
"The steaks were pretty high!"157Please respect copyright.PENANACRKcqerPML
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."157Please respect copyright.PENANA4dvHe8Wu9F
Goodnight!"157Please respect copyright.PENANAvkAycm4UUb
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)157Please respect copyright.PENANApdYWPpzQEI
He went home happier157Please respect copyright.PENANAnkXfLz4PsC
than he ever
Dreamed!157Please respect copyright.PENANAdEMz3fk0ct
157Please respect copyright.PENANAtRgwmmZgv8
© Charles Kemp
ns 172.70.130.104da2