Characters: Jay Halstead, Hank Voight, Antonio Dawson
Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader (Eventually)
Word Count: 3.1k+
Chapter Warnings: Angst, Sadness, Talk about PTSD and Anxiety, Swearing
A/N: I know this chapter is a little boring, but it’s only the first chapter. I promise the rest shouldn’t be.
This morning was one of those mornings where you felt like you weren’t going to get through the day. After taking your medication, you started to feel better. You had called your dad saying you were going to be late and he didn’t have to ask. As you arrived at the district, you half waved to Trudy as you headed up the stairs. Upon arriving upstairs, you could see that the team was deep in a case. You glanced at Antonio’s empty desk, and it doesn’t look like he was even there. As you discarded your jacket on the back of your chair, your father appeared in the doorway of his office and you knew he was looking for you.
“Everything alright?” You walked into his office and sat down on the couch.
“I’m fine. Just having one of those days.” You looked down at your fingers not wanting to make eye contact with him.
“Are you sure?” Your father sat next to you on the sofa, pulling you into his side. You let out a small sob not realizing you were holding back. After a few minutes, the tears stopped and you gathered yourself. “Listen why don’t you take the day off?”
“If I go home. I’ll just be worse. My therapist says that I need to keep my mind busy.” You stood up from the couch and headed outside to the bullpen.
“Okay, you and Halstead today.” Your father spoke from behind you, causing you to look at him with some confusion. “Antonio’s out today. Something came. Halstead, fill her in on the case.” Your dad disappeared into his office.
“I’m about to head out. Fill you on the way.” You nodded your head as you walked back over to your desk grabbing your jacket before following Jay.
After Jay filled you on the case the two of your sat in a comfortable silence until you decided to break it. “So, how’s the security job going?”
“It’s good. Never thought I would be working in the marijuana business.” You let out a chuckle as you stared out the window.
“It’s the new thing and hey, medical marijuana has been proven to help people who need it.” Pulling away from the window you glanced at Jay who was still skeptical about the whole thing.
“Hey, if your so fond of it I can get you in.” You looked at Jay and you couldn’t tell if he was joking or not.
“Yeah, no. I’ll stick to chasing bad guys, but thanks for the offer.” Jay pulled up to the curb in front of the address of the house the two of you were looking for. “This is the address?” You pointed to a red brick house with a white porch swing.
“Yeah, that’s the address.” The two of you walked up the sidewalk towards the house and as you approached the house you got this bad feeling.
The two of you stood in front of the door as Jay knocked. “Sarah Watson. Chicago PD. We need to ask you some questions.”
“Well, someone’s home there a car in the driveway.” You stepped to the side to see if you could get a look inside which you did, and you saw a body. “Jay. Body.” Both of you drew your guns before Jay kicked in the door. You made your way towards the body and when you saw her body there were stab wounds to her abdomen. You squatted down to check her pulse, but it was too late. You shook your head no to Jay before he headed upstairs.
You slowly made your way through the living room and just as you were about to head into the kitchen you heard the squeaking of the floorboards from behind you. As you turned around, Michael Watson, slammed you into a nearby wall causing you to drop your gun on the floor. You struggled against the wall and luckily Jay came up and grabbed Michael. “You alright?”
“Yeah.” You let out a breath as Jay handcuffed Michael. As you grabbed your gun from the floor, Jay grabbed his radio and called the situation in.
“Hey Y/N the usual?” Gabby appeared behind the bar with a rag in hand and then leaned forward on the bar top.
“Actually, I’ll take a whiskey and make it double.” You took off your coat and hung it on the back of the chair before taking a seat.
“Rough day?” Gabby poured you your drink as you nodded your head slightly. “Okay, well let me know if you need anything else.” Taking a sip of your whiskey, you looked around the bar to see the crowd starting to pick up.
After having a few drinks, you started to feel the alcohol take effect and you needed to stop before you do something you’ll regret. You said goodbye to Gabby and made your way through the crowd and once the cold air from outside hit you, you instantly became sober. Walking outside, you leaned against the brick wall and everything started to hit you at once. Your eyes were burning, and your chest felt heavy as if it were someone who was sitting on top of you. You were so sick of crying. You were sick of being alone, but you couldn’t even imagine where to start to find a new life.
Pushing yourself away from the wall, you wiped your tears and composed yourself. As you rounded the corner, you bumped into someone causing you to look up from the ground. “Jay.” You breathed out and took a step back. “What are you doing here?”
“Well I saw you leaving the bar upset about something and I just wanted to make sure you got a cab okay.” Jay looked at you and he could see the tear stains on your face along with the puffiness in your eyes. “Come on let me take you home.”
“Okay.” You nodded your head as Jay guided you to his car. The car ride back to your apartment was quiet which gave you time to put yourself together. As Jay pulled up to your apartment building, you just sat there not wanting to go inside an empty apartment.
“Y/N, is everything okay?” Jay reached over and grabbed hold of your hand causing you to look up at him.
“I’m just having a rough couple of days.” You pulled your hand away from Jay to unbuckle your seatbelt. You opened the door and climbed out. “Thanks for the ride, Jay. I’ll see you Monday at work.” Once you made it inside your apartment, you leaned against your door and closed your eyes to hold back the tears.
After gathering yourself yet again, you took a hot shower, changed into your PJs, and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge there was a soft knock on the door. Setting the water on the counter, you walked over to the door and opened it to see Jay standing there with a bag of Chinese take-out. All you did was give him a soft smile while opening the door wider for him. “I couldn’t go home without making sure you were okay.”
“Come in.” You closed the door behind him and headed back into the kitchen to grab him a drink. “Can I get you something to drink?”
“I’ll take water.” Jay set up the food on the coffee table, while you grabbed a bottle of water from Jay and silverware.
“You didn’t have to come back, Jay. I’m okay.” Handing Jay his water, you sat down on the couch as he handed you a carton of food.
“I know there's something going on with you lately. You’ve more distinct than usual.” Jay took a seat next to you and took a bite of his food. Over the last 2 years, you have been debating on telling Jay about your late husband, because hiding it in for this long is no good. But you didn’t want to tell people because you didn’t any empathy from anyone.
“Ever since I left the Army, I’ve been struggling with anxiety and PTSD, and some days it gets the best of me.” Jay knew the basics about your time in the Army just as you did about his time in the Army and you weren’t lying when you said it started since the Army, because it kind of did. It got worse once your husband died.
“Yeah, I know what that’s like.” Jay took a sip of his water.
“I’m on some medication that helps, and I use to see a therapist once a week, now it’s about once a month.” You stared in front of you at nothing in particular. “Some of the stuff I saw, it’s hard to forget.”
“You know if you ever want to talk, I’m here.” You turned to look at him with a soft smile. “Now how about some TV?” You nodded your head as Jay grabbed the remote from the table and turned on the TV.
The rest of the night, you and Jay sat on the couch eating take-out and watching some corny movie on TV before the two of you fell asleep on the couch. It wasn’t till you woke up in the middle of the night to see that you Jay had moved to the other couch and you couldn’t help but smile. You quietly got up, not to wake Jay in the process. Grabbing the blanket from the back of the couch, you gently laid it over Jay before turning both TV and light and heading into your bedroom. As you lay in bed, you stared up at the ceiling fan and you couldn’t help but think that Jay could have left at any point of the night, but he said and you couldn’t help but smile. Turning onto your side, you opened the nightstand drawer and pulled out a photo of you and Ryan. In less than a week, it would mark the 2nd anniversary of your husband’s death and it still felt like it happened yesterday that those people in uniform knocked on your door.
That was the day your world flipped upside down. You two were only married for about 6 months and you barely enjoyed being married. The two of you got married a month before he was called back to active duty and it was hard for you two to communicate. For the first two months, you talked through video chat and letters, but as the months went on the conversations started to fade. Tears started to form in your eyes as you thought back to all the years you spent with Ryan. You closed your eyes as you quietly cried yourself to sleep.
The Next Day
Waking up this morning, Jay was gone so he must have slipped out before you woke up. Jay, of course, left a note saying he had to work his security job, and that he would call you later to check in on you. You spent the morning cleaning up the mess you and Jay had created when you heard a soft knock on the door. You were confused about who it could be, so you answered the door with caution. Slowly opening the door, you saw Antonio standing there with his hand in his pockets.
“What are doing here?” You let Antonio in before shutting the door behind him.
“Thought we could grab some lunch since I have the weekend free. The kids are with Laura this weekend.”
“Yeah, okay. Let me just change.” You disappeared into the bedroom and changed into a pair of jeans and a plain black shirt. Walking over to your gun safe, you punched in the code and grabbed your gun and badge.
Once you and Antonio arrived at the diner that you two usually have lunch at, you ordered your lunch. “So, what’s the real reason for lunch today?” You sipped your coke as you looked at Antonio who had a concerned look on his face.
“I’m just checking in.”
“Next week marks two years since Ryan was killed.” You played with the ice in your cup with the straw. “And I still struggling to move on.”
Antonio reached over and held your hand for comfort. "I don’t know how to say this without upsetting, so I’m just going to come out and say it.” You looked up at Antonio not ready to hear him, but you know he wasn’t going to stop. “I think the only way to move on is to say goodbye. You’ve been holding on to something that not going to happen. You loved him and I’m not saying you need to forget him but you need to move on so you can be happy again.”
You pulled away as you saw the waitress come with your food. You both thanked her as she left you to eat. “How do I do that?” You picked up a fry and took a bite.
“I don’t know. You gotta figure that out for yourself.” Antonio took a bite of his burger as you ate some of your chicken wrap sandwich. “Whatever you decided I will be there for you.”
The two of you ate in silence before you spoke up. “Jay drove me home last night after having a couple of drinks and having a minor breakdown. Then he came back with food and won’t leave until I was okay.” Chewing another fry, you looked up to Antonio who had a small smile on his face. He always liked the thought of you and Jay together as more than friends, but you didn’t see Jay that way or you didn’t for a long time, but now you weren’t sure how you felt. You and Jay got a lot closer in the last couple of months. “He spent the night.”
“Really?” You could hear the shock in his voice.
“Nothing happened. He fell asleep on the couch and I went to sleep in my bed. He left in the morning and left a note saying he had to work his security job.” Antonio raised an eyebrow at you. “Shut up. We are just friends. I don’t like him that way.”
“You know it’s okay to like or fall in love with someone. Ryan would want you to be happy.” You didn’t say anything else and just continued to eat in silence.
After lunch, Antonio dropped you off at home and now you needed to figure things out. You had gotten a text from Jay to which you replied and went on to do something you needed to do. Making your way to your bedroom, you opened the top drawer of your dresser and grabbed the envelope that was marked with your name. Taking a deep breath, you sat on the floor with your back against the foot of the bed and started at the letter. There were tearstains on there from when you had first gotten the letter and all the other times you have read the letter. Opening the envelope, you pulled out the letter with shaky hands.
Dear Y/N,
I’m sitting in our bedroom, the night before I am set to deploy, and I don’t know how to start this letter. Expect to say that I love you and that you meant the world to me.
If you are reading this letter, it means I’m gone. I hope my death wasn’t a long painful death. Writing this letter brings me pains me as much as it does for you to read it.
The last 3 years of my life with you have been the best, and I hope they were the same for you. I can only imagine how you’re feeling. Angry, upset, pissed, sad, the list could go on, but with time it will all go away, and you will be able to be happy again. I know that you hate me for leaving, but it’s my job to serve this country. So, do whatever you have to do to let the anger out. Scream at the top of your lungs, hit the boxing gym, or whatever to let the anger out, just don’t hold it in. Then once you let the anger out, lean on someone for support. I know you will try to be strong on your own and push people away but don’t.
Be happy, I want you to be happy. I need you to be happy. I need you to move and find someone. I know you think I’m crazy for telling you to find someone after I’m gone but I don’t want you to be alone. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved by someone. You deserve to have the life you want. I’m not saying right away but in time you will be ready, and when you are, don’t let anything get in your way of finding love again. And when you feel like you found that someone, you’re going to have to let me go. I’m not saying to forget me, because I wouldn’t want you to, but I would want you to share your life with someone and to be happy again.
Hate me all you want, but I need you to let me go when the time is right. Don’t hold on to me for too long because if you do then you will never be able to find love again. With all that said, I hope when you find him, he’s the one. I hope he makes you happy. I hope he gives you the life and family you want.
I’m sorry we didn’t get the life we wanted. I know we barely had time to be married. I know we wanted a future together and I am sorry that it’s not going to happen now. God, did I not think this was how it was going to end. I thought we were going to be with each other till the end of time. I hate that I had to write this letter. I hate that I had to leave you and especially hate that I will never be able to hold you again and tell you that I love you. I never in my life did I imagine I would find someone to share it with until you came along. When you came into my life, I knew I was in trouble. I never believed in love at first sight until I meet you. I can sit here and list all the moments we had together but that would just make you cry even more, and I don’t want to do that to you.
So, like I started this letter by saying I love you, I am going to end it in the same way. I love you, don’t forget that.
-Yours always, Ryan
As you folded the paper back up, you held it close to your chest as you let out a weep. No matter how many times you had read this letter, it means more to you now than it did when you first read it. Letting go and moving on is the first step to being happy again.
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