下班回家,淋浴。346Please respect copyright.PENANA6orm8RuHgj
346Please respect copyright.PENANAkIHKb5RwSk
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣,目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。346Please respect copyright.PENANAkGM5XCSulu
346Please respect copyright.PENANAZs7omK9RUQ
今天,同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉,我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語,我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意!346Please respect copyright.PENANAFXW78FZsyR
346Please respect copyright.PENANAmPnmUUbzmH
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊,我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊,也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。346Please respect copyright.PENANAqlQgEHPnpK
346Please respect copyright.PENANAUqUMafVj6Y
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片,不由得傻笑起來:「要沾甜酸醬……」346Please respect copyright.PENANAzWxErcebMF
346Please respect copyright.PENANANp55QErrSU
沐浴後,我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後,阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住,替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美,會夾餸菜給她,但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味,但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。346Please respect copyright.PENANAHfboEoMFTO
346Please respect copyright.PENANA6mtNDNFG35
若問我為何可以如此大方,可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊,照顧我的兒子,耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我?因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢,現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人,現實是我沒有介意的本錢。346Please respect copyright.PENANAum5rFq8NFK
346Please respect copyright.PENANAzRhLMvXxnm
飯後,俊仔做功課,阿美洗碗,我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸,我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色,方長的臉,矮肥的身材——像我爸,又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬,然後想起阿美。人如其名,阿美的確長得美。她像媽,五官精緻,皮細肉嫩,玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人,我也會選擇阿美……346Please respect copyright.PENANAwwRVB7I99r
346Please respect copyright.PENANApHj0Pnx9OH
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰?恨阿美太漂亮,恨前夫好色,抑或恨自己像亞古獸?346Please respect copyright.PENANAVpCcLlKR4l
346Please respect copyright.PENANAHpcOXPrXcW
我笑了:我真的很像亞古獸。346Please respect copyright.PENANABcO71gwC7h
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啪——啪——346Please respect copyright.PENANA4OWJpHiL3B
346Please respect copyright.PENANA2vtVQNh3LT
「媽咪!我肚痛,要大便!」346Please respect copyright.PENANAxuMR5ld2qG
346Please respect copyright.PENANAsFcMAnh1FR
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁,沖水。我離開浴室,看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青,一股勁兒衝入浴室去。346Please respect copyright.PENANAVSnykVrE5E
346Please respect copyright.PENANAIqTFgiygqE
「媽咪!菸味很臭啊!」俊仔隔門抱怨。346Please respect copyright.PENANAFDlbPQfPdY
346Please respect copyright.PENANAr7ROqs6oaF
「你的大便也很臭呢!我老遠也嗅得到!」阿美代我反嘲。346Please respect copyright.PENANAltFQ2ofO7k
346Please respect copyright.PENANAwrOLInPQwU
我望望阿美,苦笑,笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑,但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法,或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。346Please respect copyright.PENANAIzX43oebaC
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算了吧。沒所謂。346Please respect copyright.PENANAWmRAn5SF66
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我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的,然後回到睡房去。346Please respect copyright.PENANAZ7csRgUzwf
346Please respect copyright.PENANA9FOZu8o1y1
該要睡,想要睡,卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭,大便很臭……346Please respect copyright.PENANAKAVWc033T8
346Please respect copyright.PENANAg9M2y78M79
我傻傻笑了:很無聊,怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西?346Please respect copyright.PENANAPcIdtR5NY8
346Please respect copyright.PENANABGbSniv4dI
不夠累嗎?我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。346Please respect copyright.PENANAc2t1BmyFW9
346Please respect copyright.PENANATO0ktyZPrX
我更衣換褲,套上波鞋,打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。346Please respect copyright.PENANA7MSMhz1Pje
346Please respect copyright.PENANA47DiC3zh4x
「姐,買菸嗎?」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間,她正在為俊仔檢查功課。346Please respect copyright.PENANA1XGwmT9YP8
346Please respect copyright.PENANAa4hYTNWazP
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。346Please respect copyright.PENANAZFz92O34qs
346Please respect copyright.PENANAU0MEXclHYy
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天,需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑,似乎察覺到我的不對勁。346Please respect copyright.PENANAZmi1fvMHR4
346Please respect copyright.PENANAXYfP1ogLsW
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。346Please respect copyright.PENANAGmYqFrwSVh
346Please respect copyright.PENANA7ViXKiXLI2
「姐,我……」也許是基於內疚,阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務,包括夜半買菸。346Please respect copyright.PENANAE6ajOOBCay
346Please respect copyright.PENANAQLyX6LeomD
「我說——不!」我加重語氣,拉長字音,滿腔怒火不言而喻。346Please respect copyright.PENANAfXvI8wIi56
346Please respect copyright.PENANAwFOsX53MHM
阿美呆了,霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣,探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意,彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……346Please respect copyright.PENANA9k2AbDE0bw
346Please respect copyright.PENANAV9pFWHuZLq
我頭也不回開門離家。346Please respect copyright.PENANAumnSjmHJDH
346Please respect copyright.PENANALUvmEivWnQ
夏夜,海風濕重,翳侷悶人。岸有燈火,海浪微盪,從多個度折射著黃光白光,閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面,卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空,越放空越見混亂。346Please respect copyright.PENANAhxKdjA7a5x
346Please respect copyright.PENANAawZw3fYgib
我憑欄抽菸,抽得很兇,不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。346Please respect copyright.PENANA6iQfAPA28g
346Please respect copyright.PENANA1QNIStQRf4
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……346Please respect copyright.PENANACnvwwxaIPs
346Please respect copyright.PENANAUmbCutoyOv
最後一根菸殆盡,指隙間突然空虛無限。346Please respect copyright.PENANAS8gho8SmC5
346Please respect copyright.PENANAVeoeWYTJAf
我不捨就此回家,奈何忘記帶銀包,無法買菸。346Please respect copyright.PENANADq7HJ9QYZd
346Please respect copyright.PENANAZrqDJCMfhp
「要菸?」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷,不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大,也算不上細小,但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。346Please respect copyright.PENANAvjR7oQCVmb
346Please respect copyright.PENANAUrfVZGUAtv
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇,我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時,他又識趣地主動為我點菸。346Please respect copyright.PENANACxLFUVevWS
346Please respect copyright.PENANA1tZvO6twgG
「怎麼了?突然那麼體貼?」346Please respect copyright.PENANAlQRaUEIBUP
346Please respect copyright.PENANAadk003Mg2O
「你不開心?」346Please respect copyright.PENANAwICo0ACV7Y
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「是的。但與你無關。」346Please respect copyright.PENANAgRKWGXA8pT
346Please respect copyright.PENANAd3mEs6iXUF
面對帶刺的話,前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸,默默待我享用完整根香菸。346Please respect copyright.PENANAgPb4qixyN0
346Please respect copyright.PENANAOtZt15ZDKc
「還有菸嗎?」346Please respect copyright.PENANAG9sfeXAeZo
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「有。」346Please respect copyright.PENANAZWudfAsnMd
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前夫再次遞菸、點菸,但他沒有繼續保持沉默。346Please respect copyright.PENANAccI7O7jD20
346Please respect copyright.PENANASLsR638AKH
「俊仔還好嗎?」346Please respect copyright.PENANAcmaFiDdHah
346Please respect copyright.PENANAP2Lbd5ah7W
「與你無關。」346Please respect copyright.PENANAYV41hwM5dS
346Please respect copyright.PENANAzgO4C4xCBG
「即使我跟你離婚了,我依然是俊仔的爸。」346Please respect copyright.PENANAYCacubVRxu
346Please respect copyright.PENANAOYn3Ncc3J2
我幽幽一笑。346Please respect copyright.PENANAhT8jOYedFC
346Please respect copyright.PENANAk38PwOKqG6
「俊仔的爸啊!俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團,但我騰不出費用。」346Please respect copyright.PENANAY3QjKFnJ1z
346Please respect copyright.PENANAH9pijGsk3w
「多少?我付!」346Please respect copyright.PENANA2zbP2t7TjE
346Please respect copyright.PENANANZmBEDmdPt
「五萬七千五百元。」346Please respect copyright.PENANAGsN6c2DRei
346Please respect copyright.PENANAPXkhLFXZD8
「好!沒問題!小意思!」346Please respect copyright.PENANAAXD1zFEoyC
346Please respect copyright.PENANALo1aDO7hIb
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處,我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來,再也止不住。346Please respect copyright.PENANAP8rkaO5WVm
346Please respect copyright.PENANAPhaNdkn4Oe
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」346Please respect copyright.PENANAgcp2BVYTjY
346Please respect copyright.PENANAcK0ECUsPke
「別傻、別傻!我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」346Please respect copyright.PENANAtcMZOULfPR
346Please respect copyright.PENANAXzqPaCEeqO
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」346Please respect copyright.PENANAcbEGvvTdc2
346Please respect copyright.PENANAmQ00oVXdte
「阿顧,對不起。」346Please respect copyright.PENANABPIPbh3KSP
346Please respect copyright.PENANAG68ODem8Wo
「道歉有屁用!」346Please respect copyright.PENANA75Ro874NH6
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「既然你認為道歉無用,那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩,也請找我幫忙,我會盡力幫助你。」346Please respect copyright.PENANABGTOo9wAHu
346Please respect copyright.PENANAUc2WnRF2WD
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去,但我相信他:我清楚他的脾性,他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不,該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。346Please respect copyright.PENANAes5PFvcj1I
346Please respect copyright.PENANA0duBqxQvmg
如果我不是急需用錢,我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉;如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔,我早已將阿美趕出家門;如果我不是知道為人母親之責任,我多麼想就此棄下俊仔,展開更自由自在的新生活!346Please respect copyright.PENANAKiLQEwQWhD
346Please respect copyright.PENANAdz5nCV1KQl
可惜,世界從沒如果,只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔,我就要必須對他負責——為了他,我不得不向現實低頭。346Please respect copyright.PENANAR2rcHWNpgT
346Please respect copyright.PENANAoA6jNoDxU7
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願,卻沒奈何。346Please respect copyright.PENANA9zX1D3H50D
346Please respect copyright.PENANAcHQm8jKnrN
「好!等我好消息!」前夫笑得很燦爛,似是找到贖罪的方法,以後不需背負罵名。346Please respect copyright.PENANA0JVugqCle9
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我跟前夫揮手道別,然後慢步回家。346Please respect copyright.PENANAFlTfKYdRII
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嗯……怎麼形容呢?平靜如水,所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過,因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西,甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的,散亂零落的。346Please respect copyright.PENANAEBPRNvwTY8
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忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了,亦不需解釋,反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習,也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團,自己亦不需向前夫求助……346Please respect copyright.PENANAGKxEOgXoSL
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我淪落至此,自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……346Please respect copyright.PENANANyaApgN3Hr
346Please respect copyright.PENANAMsXpYZOpBq
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇,也就是活該,也就沒甚麼好抱怨……346Please respect copyright.PENANAx4qTIBUbkM
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我活該……我活該……我活該……346Please respect copyright.PENANA9qAU6gOWPH
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我如此催眠自己。