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Chapter 1
Have you ever stopped and wondered how the heck you got to whatever point in your life you are at? Well, I am exactly at that point in my life; and even though I could mostly recall how I got here, what is truly perplexing is that I let this happen, I am the most anal-retentive, OCD person I know on the face of the earth! Ok, so you might be thinking that I should just stop blabbering to myself and tell you already what is going on. I will, I promise, but first let me put these pens in order. Doesn’t it just drive you crazy when your pens are just all over your desk, all mixed up with pencils and stuff? It drives me nuts, but okay, I got it, they're good now; and yeah right, the story.
It all began last June at the company picnic. I had been just hired that January so I was neither new nor old. I had my lunch mate of sorts, or should I say the newscaster of the office filled me in on all gossip from top to bottom of the commanding chain. How did she gather all this info I don’t know, and to tell you the truth I take all she tells me with the same veracity as I do the news from the national tabloids. But just like the tabloids sooner or later the gossip comes true. In the company, let's call it The Pit, they were always trying to do things to unite the employees, so they spent lots of money on seminars and picnics just like the one we were going to that day. Ms. Newscaster or as she prefers to be called Denisa, gave me a ride so I could save on gas. She knew how much I hated driving my old car anywhere. With its 8 cylinders, it was drying my cash quickly and I didn't have that much cash back then.
At the picnic, I said a very unexcited hello to the people I knew and went straight to the bar. This was one good thing about company picnics, an open bar. I had never been a heavy drinker and to tell the truth the flavor of alcohol disgusted me but on these occasions, I just pretended I was sick and alcohol was my medicine. Close your eyes, don’t smell, and chug it down. After just a couple of shots of whatever the bartender served me, I would be pretty much drunk and passed out on some sofa somewhere, or just staring into oblivion. I know, I am a pretty boring drunk lady, nothing funny or interesting. No desire to party or take my top off either; sorry guys! Before I could get my first drink down Denisa pulled me to a corner and told me about the new marketing and product placement director. Supposedly he was the juiciest hunk in the avenue. Ex-model, spokesman for Ralph Lauren, and in possession of a massive bank account. He had come from New York City and had settled down in our midwestern city to start a healthier lifestyle or so he'd said during his interview.
" I couldn't care less what he looks like, and besides we are not in the marketing department so what is it to us?"
"Gleny!" she admonished.
Yes, that is my name, well, Glenda. I hate it with a passion, which is why I go by my nickname Gleny, which I don’t like either but is not as librarian-sounding. Anyhow, Denisa was not taking no for an answer and she just dragged me to where the women were gathered as if they were giving away beauty products or something. We got close and saw the women actually pushing each other to get inside the gazebo.
"What on earth is going on here?" I asked kind of repelled by the mass of crazy in front of me.
"There is a raffle to go on a date with the new director of marketing; you know to get funds for something. But there are only a limited amount of tickets so we have to hurry and get in there."
"I am not interested in these weird marketing plots Denisa, plus I have no cash on me, sorry."
" I just thought it would be fun. You are such a party pooper. Fine, I will get a ticket and you will just have to envy me for once."
"I always envy you Denisa, you make more money than me," I said smiling.
I walked away and found a nice little quiet spot by the chocolate fountain. Wrong place to sit if you are on a diet. But it was funny seeing the girls come to the fountain and look at it with rabid desire but making themselves walk away without the pleasure of dipping something in it. Others passed and quickly popped something in the chocolate and then in their mouths. I could still hear the screaming ladies and all the young guys from the office making fun of them. After a little while the women calmed down and I guessed the raffle madness was probably over. I looked over and saw that the gazebo was mostly empty except for one of the receptionists who was sitting at a long table. I decided it was safe to go back to my plan of drunkenness before any bonding activity took place.
I kept my eye on Denisa from a distance so I could stay clear of her and her ideas. She was looking for me I could tell. I went back to the bar and stood behind a man wall. The guy was huge, but it was a perfect hiding spot, nobody would see me behind him. One of the model-looking girls from the second floor came running towards me but she grabbed the guy by the arm and in her most childish voice asked him if he could get her a drink. She called him Mr. McDelone and I recognized the name. This was the guy all the females were drooling over. Well, at least he was tall and had nice strawberry blond hair from what I saw. Now, his name just made me think of Mcdonald’s food which was quite funny to me. The other women drool for him when they heard his name, and I drooled for a Big Mac and fries. Apparently, I laughed louder than I thought at my own musings because the girl turned and gave me the evil eye.
"What are you laughing about?"
Mr. Big Mac also turned but I was just looking at the girl.
"I'm just laughing you know, enjoying the picnic. I just want a drink."
That was when I heard him talk; his voice was manly yet smooth; and I had to look. No wonder the model girl was desperate to get his attention. The man was hot with capital H-O-T!!! He had the most piercing turquoise-blue eyes, the perfect nose, and what a pair of lips! You could tell he was a model because he looked like it. He smiled and... wow, that is what I call a sexy smile. I must’ve had my mouth open or something because he just laughed at me. I looked down and grabbed two of the drinks that were already served on the table, I didn’t even care what they were. I walked away and chugged them both one after the other. I don’t know what I drank but I was insta-dizzy. I decided I should walk to Denisa’s car and just wait there. That is the last thing I remember semi-clearly. This morning I woke up in a strange room, naked on a bed next to a man who was not clothed and who was most definitely not known by me. I covered myself with the covers and experienced the most horrible headache I had ever felt in my life.
"What the hell did I do last night and where am I and with who?"
The guy was snoring so that was good news at least. I had to get the hell out of there quickly. On the side table, I saw my watch next to a raffle number.
No freaking way! I thought and quickly got up and went around the bed to look at the guy. Yes, you guessed it, it was Mr. Big Mac, naked, and by the looks of his neck I did eat him last night.
I walked on my tiptoes and tried to find my clothes in the well-decorated room. I could not find them anywhere, so I opened the closet and grabbed a sweatshirt with the Yale logo on it, and walked barefoot out of the room. Wow, the apartment was exquisite. It looked right out of a magazine. I could not believe I was there or that a man lived in that apartment. As you could guess I had a few problems at the moment and when I took the cell phone to call a taxi I realized I had no earthly clue of where I was. I opened the front door and found myself on a balcony overlooking the middle of a very high-class neighborhood, surrounded by mansions. I was on the top floor of a building, a suite most likely. I went back into the suite and tried to find a way out of there.
"The elevator is to your right but you are not leaving without eating breakfast, are you?"
Yep, it was him, naked as the day he came to this world. I covered my eyes and could feel I was as bright as a freshly picked tomato.
"What is this?" he said with a shit-eating grin, "Are we shy this morning?"
"Please cover yourself with something. I am sorry but I don’t really know what happen last night and I don’t feel comfortable with this."
"Very well I’ll get my robe," he said turning back to the room.
Ohh SHIT! I ran to the elevator as fast as my feet could take me. I must have pressed that down button like a zillion times in a second. The elevator seemed to take forever to open and I was so freaked out I practically jumped in the thing and press the lobby button as fast as I could. Once down in the lobby, I didn't really care where I was, I started running. I ran behind bushes, panicking at the thought of him coming after me. Running semi-naked through a high-class neighborhood is not good at all; I don't recommend it. The day started weirdly and ended even weirder. I ended up at the police station trying to explain my situation. Apparently running around barefoot, wearing only a sweatshirt, and looking lost will make people call the police. I tried to explain my situation but I could tell they didn't believe me. They offered me a rape kit but I refused. I didn't even know if anything happen. They asked me if I wanted to press charges but I declined. With nothing else to do, they gave me some sweatpants and flip-flops and let me go. I had nobody to call, so I ended up having to call my ex-boyfriend Lloyd. He came for me and we drove to my little house in silence. He was not the most talkative guy and I did dump him the same day that he proposed to me, but he was better off without me. I never really loved him. In reality, I just used him for companionship during my first winter in a new city. I was lonely and he was there. It had been a while since we had spoken to each other but I could see he wanted to say something. I finally decided to break the ice.
“Thanks for this really; I had nobody to call.”
“Are you okay? Why didn’t you press charges?”
“I am fine Lloyd; it was stupidity on my part. I drank way too much."
“You know that you can’t take much booze,” he said scolding me.
“ It was stupid on my part but I really don’t remember if the guy raped me or not. I'm not hurt, and besides, it was someone from work so… I need this job you know.”
“You really don't need any job that bad. You can always move back in with me; you know that.”
“Thanks, Lloyd, but I’ll be fine, really. Thanks again for bringing me home.”
“You know I will always be here if you need me,” he said, putting his hand on my shoulder; a lovesick expression on his cherubic face.
Yes, I felt like shit having to hurt Lloyd again, but I didn't have any family around and Denisa was not that kind of friend. She was a work friend, something completely different plus I was angry with her. Hurting Lloyd wasn't fun but that's life, the cruel bitch.
Chapter 2
Once at home I took the sweatshirt off and noticed that his smell was still on it. It was a very pleasant smell and I found myself enjoying it a little too much. I threw the sweatshirt away as if it was trying to bewitch me. I jumped in the shower and under the hot water. I tried to remember anything about that last night. I remembered nothing after I was walking to Denisa’s car and that in itself was driving me bonkers. I hate when things are out of order so you can imagine how I was feeling when my life was out of order. I was so beyond anxious that I began to clean the house. I was trying to find anything to do to bring my life back to the boringly mundane existence it always had been. My life might be considered boring to some but it was all mine and it made sense, unlike the present moment when nothing made sense. How could I be so irresponsible, so dumb? I knew quite well I couldn’t drink for shit, and who knows what I drank at the picnic. How could I go to work in the morning not knowing what I did? As mad as I was with Denisa for letting me end up in a stranger’s bed I needed to know more. I finally broke down and called her. She was all excited to hear my voice; just imagine all the new gossip she could start at my expense.
“Darling how was your morning, tell me every juicy detail, “ she said all excited.
I wanted to scream at her but I took a deep breath and tried to stay calm. “How could you let me end up in this situation? I thought you were my friend?”
“Child are you crazy, I did this because you are my friend.”
“Denissa, I was so drunk that I can not remember anything after I was going to your car. Please tell me I didn’t act like a slut at the picnic.”
“No child, do you really not remember anything?”
“No, I don’t.”
“What a pity child. Well, I found you in my car, remember that?
“No”
“You were pretty out of it but you were talking and you told me to take you home. I saw Mr. Hunk was getting in his massively hot car and I had a splendid idea. I ran over to him and asked him to give you a ride home. He said yes and off you went in his car. You got in all by yourself so nobody forced you. But nothing bad happened right? “
“ I don’t remember any of it Denissa,” I said exasperated.
I almost dug a deeper grave for myself by telling her I woke up naked next to him but I stopped myself in time. The less Denissa knew the better. Yes, I still had that horrible feeling of not knowing what happen but at least the gossip would not be so horrible. So Mr. Big Mac gave me a ride home, big deal. I could at least face most of the people at work if that was the extent of the gossip. At that moment a cold shiver ran down my spine when I thought I might have to see Mr. Mac-whatever when I went back to work. I tried to calm myself. He worked on a different floor and being a director he would most likely get there after me. All good signs, I just had to stay away from the cafeteria and any other communal areas. Did I really have sex with that hot guy; and why on earth would he want to have sex with meager old me? Is not like he couldn’t find a willing woman. All those women at the picnic were practically throwing themselves at him. I looked at myself in the mirror and scared myself with the reflection. My red hair was a mess, the black roots showing and all full of knots. I looked massively hungover and to be sincere I looked rough; I wouldn’t want to have sex with me. I decided the best course of action would be to take massive amounts of water and drugs, the legal ones of course, and just pass out. The next morning I was feeling better but the lingering feeling of the unknown bug the hell out of me. I tried to put the thought behind me and did my morning routine as any other day. I was feeling much better on my way out but of course, I had to see the damn sweatshirt on the coat rack next to the door. I grabbed it and threw it in my bag.
I got in my car and folded the sweatshirt neatly in the passenger seat. I had to return it but how? I would mail it to him at work. I just had to look in the office directory for the address. Perfect! I thought padding myself on the back. I parked in my usual spot and walked up with the rest of the herd as I call it. Nobody looked at me and that was awesome. I packed myself in the elevator and pushed number 4. As soon as the elevator closed it opened again and it was Mr. BigMac in all his hunkiness. My heart dropped to my stomach and thankfully the number of people in the elevator made it easy to hide in the back. I don’t think he saw me; he was standing in the front like a giant. and I felt like I was going to throw up, pass out, vomit, faint, poop, and all of the above. The elevator stopped on the second floor and some people got out but not him. Okay, now I was freaking out a little more. He worked on the second floor why wouldn’t he get out? Maybe he is going to see the CEO on the 10th floor. The third-floor people got off and now it was just him and me and two other men. I looked down the entire time hoping he wouldn’t recognize me. Finally, the fourth floor opened and I zoomed passed them. I didn’t look back, I just went right into the bathroom. I was shaking and my eyes were all watery I was having a freaking panic attack. I was trying to breathe but it was so hard. I had a problem with panic attacks so I knew what to do. Get some water and count my breaths. When I felt my pulse got better I took my nerve pill as I call it; my mom used to call them my crazy pills. Ok, everything was better now. I splashed water on my face and neck, fixed my ponytail, adjust my skirt and jacket, and fixed my makeup. Ok, I'm good, I was chanting it quietly in my head as I made my way to my cubicle. Denissa waved from hers and I even smiled at her and waved back. All good, everything was back to normal. I knew the girls in the office wanted to bother me because all my stuff was out of order and they had fun hearing me bitch about putting things where they go when they borrowed something. I wasn’t gonna give them the satisfaction, not today. I put everything back in the place I liked and that was when I saw the note.
“Meet me in my office 255 in 15 minutes or kiss your job goodbye.”
He signed, Marcus McDelone, director of marketing and product placement.
Shit! I said it and I felt it in my pants. Well, not literally, but you get the idea. Could he really fire me? Could I afford to be fired? I had a panic attack just seeing him! How could I even talk to him? I was so embarrassed I couldn’t bring myself to do anything. I knew very well I needed my job, and what could he really do to me in his office, he hadn’t already done? I thought that this train of thought would help me be at ease during this meeting, but it did the complete opposite; it made me more nervous. I had to try to act as cool as I could. I could pretend that I was just another company hoochie who slept around all the time. Heaven knew there was no shortage of those around the building. I took the note in my hand and drank another nerve pill before getting in the elevator. On my way down to the second floor I felt the release an overdose of happy pills brought me. I was feeling very relaxed all of the sudden and that was ok with me. I walked to the secretary/ receptionist of the marketing department and told her I was there to see Mr. McDelone. She told me to sit and wait and I did. It was almost 30 minutes before she told me he would see me and showed me the door. I adjusted my black pencil skirt and my white silk blouse before I knocked on the door of his office.
I heard his voice telling me to come in and the coolness I was feeling disappeared. My stomach was in knots once more as I made myself walk into his office. He was sitting behind his desk in all his male perfection. He had a very inviting friendly smile on his lips. I’m sure he was trying to put me at ease but it just made me more nervous. I stood there looking at the floor until I heard him telling me to take a seat.
“Hello Glenda. Could you please look at me?”
I swallowed hard and lifted my face meeting his gorgeous blue eyes.
“Much better. So, how are you feeling today?”
“G...Good,” I stuttered.
“You left in quite a hurry yesterday, I felt tricked, almost, ” he said coming around his desk to stand in front of my chair. Making me have to crank my head back to see him.
“Mr. Mc—”
He stopped me before I could finish his name. His finger was against my lips and I am sure he could feel them tremble.
“It's Marcus to you. After everything we’ve been through, I think it's more than appropriate.” He caressed my lips briefly with his thumb, before severing the contact and leaving me wanting something I shouldn't. He leaned back against his desk, arms crossed in front of his chest.
What on earth did I do with this man? I better set the record straight right away. Maybe this way everything would get back to normal.
“Mr...I mean Marcus, I would like to speak freely if I could?”
“Of course, I wouldn’t expect any less.”
"I was drunk on Saturday and I don’t remember anything that happen at your house. I am not a slutty girl, although I'm sure the gossipmongers are probably having a field day right now. But I'm actually a pretty simple and boring girl in my everyday life.”
“I disagree. I think you are a wonderful woman and quite funny. Especially after you vomit.”
“Vomit?!” I said wanting to die. This was a nightmare. Did I vomit in front of this man? I was so embarrassed I just covered my face with my hands and lowered my head.
“I see, so you don’t remember huh? Well, do you want to know what happened? I remember quite vividly,” he said with a big smile.
He was enjoying this a little bit too much. I didn’t think I could get more embarrassed but apparently, I could.
“Come with me and let's sit on the couch.”
He came towards me and lifted me up by the shoulders. I was still covering my face as he guided me to the leather couch in his office.
“Hey, don’t be embarrassed. I’ve had plenty of drunken days that were way worse than what you had.”
We sat on the couch and he began to tell me what happened. I sat there with my face in my hands listening and reminding myself to breathe.
“When you got in my car and I could tell that you were pretty drunk, but you told me all about your family and where you were from. I told you a little bit about myself as well. You amazed me with your knowledge of dirty jokes and you made me laugh, as I haven’t laughed in a long time. You cleaned up my car, pretty much, and ordered all my CDs in alphabetical order, which I found quite funny, but you did warn me about your OCD. I told you that you should come with me to clean my apartment and you said yes. I know I should have taken you home but I selfishly wanted to spend more time with you. I was in the middle of showing you around my apartment when you started to clean my kitchen before I could stop you. Then you puked all over yourself and pretty much passed out. I took your clothes off to throw them in the washer before I tried to revive you by dunking you in the tub. Thankfully you came back and then we had some fun before we fell asleep. “
I was afraid to ask but I needed to know. “What do you mean by fun? I'm not even sure I want to know," I said mortified.
“We had some coffee and we kissed, you showed me the correct way to give a hickey and you really did a number on my neck. I didn’t want to take advantage of you in the condition you were in but I am ashamed to tell you I did take advantage of you and I want to apologize. I am not that kind of man at all but I couldn’t help myself. You were so damn adorable, it's your fault really."
“Did we have sex?”
“Yes, we did, several times in fact.”
“Several times?”
“Well, two times really; I’m very sorry. Could you keep all this to yourself?”
“Could you?, I don’t want to have a bad reputation around here. Just the fact that I left with you will have tongues wagging.”
“Yes, of course. I would hate it if my wife found out, so I would appreciate the same courtesy.”
“You are married?!” I asked somehow surprised that this handsome, successful guy was off the market.
“Well, she is still in New York but yes, I’ve been married for five years,” he said showing me a very obvious gold band on his ring finger.
How the hell did I not see that before? It was blatantly obvious this guy was married. Now I really felt like a stupid floozy. “What the hell; I need to go. I will send you your sweatshirt in the mail, goodbye, “ I said getting up as quickly as I could. I was out of there so fast the Flash would be jealous.
He was married? Then why the hell was he auctioning himself for, and where did the raffle ticket I saw on the nightstand come from?”
Could I believe what he said? There was no way now to know if he was telling me the truth or not. Was I really so funny and adorable that he couldn’t help himself from committing adultery, or was that only my ingrained misogyny talking? Society has that stupid belief that men can't help themselves and someway, somehow a woman is always at fault. One thing was for sure I did wake up naked next to a naked man, a married naked man. Should I feel guilty? Probably not, but you better believe I was feeling hella guilty. I could not keep my head straight at all that day. I hated women who slept with married men and now I was one of them; I was a slut. I spent half of the day sobbing in the bathroom and even Denissa was worried. I told her my stomach hurt and I had major cramps. My supervisor let me go home early and I spent the rest of the day cleaning and crying in my house. With no real friends to rely on and seeing how I had chewed my nails bloody, I decided it was time to go to the doctor, the head doctor.
Chapter 3
As a child, I had seen a therapist on a regular basis and my mom was quite pleased with my progress. I had stopped chewing my nails and scratching my arms which was a major compulsion I had as a child. Now, after almost 3 years since the last episode, I was back at it without even realizing it. The next day I called in sick to work and called a random psychiatric group that took my insurance. It had been a while and somehow it felt like regression, like some kind of failure on my part. I knew enough to know I needed a professional to hear me out and help me sort out my problems. Just a few days back I had no problems past the fact that my stupid coworkers liked to mess up my well-organized desk, and now, BOOM! my world had imploded.
I would have to wait three weeks for the earliest appointment, so I ended up making a huge mistake, I called Lloyd.
Being back with Lloyd was a mistake of monumental proportions but it felt normal. Boring and normal was just what I needed. Lloyd was so happy to be back at my house. I am such a shit. Really, I am. I needed normal and Lloyd gave me that. He wanted me to move in with him but this time I knew it was better if we both kept our residences separate. He spent most days at my house and most days I just cried on his shoulder without really telling him the reason why. I didn’t see Marcus at all those first few weeks and I was even taking the stairs to make sure I would not see him. Finally, it was shrink day and after work, I went right to the practice. It was a very pretty brick building with lots of glass windows. Probably reinforced in case someone tried to jump through one of them. I went into the office and filled out all my paperwork. I looked around and saw only three more people. A mom with a pre-teen girl, and an old dude. Good, nobody I knew was there. So far so good, I thought. After a short wait, a really nice, smiley young lady called me back. She was obviously a nurse and she took my vitals and asked me why I was there. A simple enough question but I just broke down and cried. She handed me a tissue and led me to an empty office. It was a beautifully decorated office in mute tones of earthy colors. The leather couch looked inviting and I took its offering without hesitation. A knock on the door announced the doctor was coming in. It was a lady in her thirties or maybe forties, who knows nowadays and she seemed all business. Good, I didn’t have time for newbies.
Dr. White was the right fit for me, I could feel it. We began with the basic history and the triggers of my behaviors. We focused on the biting and scratching first for obvious reasons. And she had really good alternatives for me. After the hour was up we set up my next appointment and I was off. We changed some of my medications and I was feeling better but the scratching was still bothering me. About a month into my treatment with Dr. White I finally told her about my drunken stupidity and she was almost sure I would do a turnaround if I knew what had really happened that night. I knew she was right but at the same time, I was scared to know. It took me several weeks until I allowed her to hypnotize me and take me back to that night. She would be recording everything so I could hear it in my own words. She told me there was a possibility that I could not recall everything but we could try another day as well. I was so scared but I was determined and I felt safe with Dr. White, safe enough to know the truth.
She laid me down on the couch and off I was in no time. I opened my eyes and I felt good, refreshed even; but Dr. White handed me a tissue. To my surprise, my face was wet with tears but I didn’t feel like I was crying. Dr. White excused herself to get me a drink of water and I sat up looking at the black recorder on the table. Would the truth be there, was I a slut or a victim? I would soon find out. Dr. White came in with two cups of water. She handed me a cup before sitting behind her desk.
“We were able to take you back Glenda, would you like to hear the tape now?” she asked in a flat tone that didn't give away anything.
“Yes please,” I said because even though I was scared I needed to know the truth.
"I have another patient waiting so I will let you hear the tape in one of my other rooms.”
"What if I need you?” I asked, starting to panic.
“You are not my only patient you know. My assistant will be there with you if you need anything.”
For the first time, Dr. White felt cold to me; and I realized she wasn’t my friend. I was just another wackjob to her. I was a job. I took the tiny tape in my hands and walked to the room next door. A young woman sat behind a small desk and she offered me her tape player.
“ Hello, I am doctor Chagra, doctor White’s assistant. Please make yourself comfortable and if at any time what you hear is too much let me know and we will stop. This can be a painful experience so please give yourself the time you need. Are you ready to begin?”
“Yes,” was my only answer.
What was on the tape really did surprise me. The dirty jokes and the story of my life bit were true. He told me in the car about yale and about how he met his wife; so I knew he was married. I told him my address but he took me to his hotel instead to show me his collection of yale memorabilia. For some reason, I went along with him and before getting to the lobby of his building I did throw up all over myself. He offered his shower and gave me some clean clothes and a towel. I was very dizzy and I threw up again in the toilet. I got in the shower and I was washing my hair when he came in the door and asked me if I was okay. I told him yes thank you and he then got in the shower with me. I covered myself and told him to get out. He forced himself on me and kissed me I looked up to tell him to stop and saw some hickeys in his neck. I told him to go to his wife or whoever gave him those nasty hickeys if he wanted a woman, but he just grabbed my face and kissed me really hard. He pretty much carried me against my will to the bed and he …well, he had his fun with me. That was pretty much a condensed summary of the contents of the tape without the screams and all the crying. I was crying while I heard the tape and even the newbie had watery eyes she was trying to hide.
She tried the blank stare of Dr. White but could not pull it off.
“I am so sorry Glenda, you know you can press charges if you want.”
“I don’t know what I want right now. I guess I’ll discuss it with Dr. White next week.”
“Actually I will be taking over for Dr. White so you will begin seeing me next week.”
“Why?”
“It is just policy. Dr. White is probably overbooked at the moment so she asked me to take over your care. But, I have your record and I did my thesis on OCD so you will be in good hands.”
“ Thanks Dr. Chagra.” Great, a newbie, I thought.
Oddly enough knowing I had been raped was a relief, as weird and horrible as it sounds. But it meant I was not a slut. Not a woman like the one who destroyed my mom’s marriage. Marcus was a creep, no matter how hot he was. I felt like a big rock had been lifted from my chest. I went to the beauty parlor and had a spoiling myself day. Manicure, pedicure, wash, cut, and color; the works. Not even the bill could put a hamper on my day. I knew the truth, no more blanks in my story and no more booze for me in the future. I got home and Lloyd had made pasta. He quickly noticed my new haircut and color and even complimented my toenails. He was always one for details. The food was great and I decided that I needed to come clean to Lloyd as well. But was I ready to lose my companion, was I ready to hurt him again? I decided to tell him about the hypnosis and what had happened during the office picnic.
He just looked at me and didn’t say a word.
"What should I do Lloyd?”
“I couldn’t begin to tell you how sorry I am you had to go through something like that Gleny. I'm happy I was able to be here for you,” he said, giving me a hug I badly needed.
“You are my only friend Lloyd, I realize that now,” I said wiping the tears that had escaped my eyes.
Lloyd sat back but kept my hand in his. "Gleny, do you love me as a lover or as a friend; or do you love me at all?”
Lloyd's question came out of left field and I just laughed, my nerves not really knowing how to answer his question.
“Don’t be silly Lloyd, what is this all about?”
"That is exactly what I’ve been asking myself Glenny. What is this all about," he said gesturing between the both of us. "I have been here for over a month and we haven’t made love once. You only give me butterfly kisses and you won’t even let me see you naked.”
“I…” I was cornered and silent. I didn’t want to hurt him again but I didn’t want to lie either. My silence answered his questions. He went into the room and came out with a bag full of his things and in silence he left.
I cried not because he left but because I knew he was hurting. I had hurt the only person who truly cared about me...again.
Chapter 4
At the office, I sat once more with Denissa during lunch and this time the gossip was that Mr. Delone, the rapist, was having an affair with someone from accounting and that his wife almost caught them in his office. Of course, the gossipmongers were calling the woman a slut, and sadly I have to admit I was once someone who would call her the same. Internalized misogyny, remember? So, Denissa said that the wife comes now every day at different times to try to catch him in the act. The word was he would lose plenty of money in a divorce and in my opinion, the wife deserved every penny. I was relieved that the gossipmongers were no longer whispering about me. Did you see Glenna leaving with Mr. DeLone? I knew she was a floozy...etc, etc. I pretended that I didn't hear them whispering but I did. I also saw disgust when they looked at me. I didn't know the 'slut' from accounting but I already felt sorry for her.
The anniversary of the company was always a big celebration or so Denissa had said. This would be the first year for me but the word was the employees got bonuses and even door prizes like cruises and stuff. Everybody was excited and anxious about the big party. The CEO owned a hotel in front of the beach and every employee was invited to stay for the weekend celebration. Denissa was rooming with her boyfriend from the mailroom, so I had to room with some other employee. A free weekend at the beach sounded great so I was very excited.
“So who is your roommate Glenny?” Denissa asked around a bite of her sandwich.
“I don’t know, maybe I’ll get lucky and get a single.”
“Please child you are not that important.”
“I don’t plan to stay in the room very long. I want to lay in the sun and swim all day," I said already fantasizing about it.
“ I hear you girl. My boyfriend Thomas is so excited. This is his first year too, he wants to go parasailing. You should definitively come with us!”
I smiled but I really didn’t care about anything but laying on that beach.
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My phone rang when I was at my house packing for the trip and to my surprise, it was Doctor White.
“Dr. White this is a surprise, ” I said because it was.
“I felt terrible being so cold to you the other day; you are a victim of a crime and I should have acted better.”
A doctor apologizing? This was new and odd. "Oh, it was a hectic day for you I'm sure and Dr, Chagra was very sympathetic,” I said, trying to make her feel better for some stupid reason. She had been the rude one, not me.
“Glenda, Marcus McDelone is my husband, and before you say anything I must tell you that I know he has been unfaithful to me many times before; but I never thought he would go so far as to do what he did to you. I am sure now that I have to divorce the bastard but I need to act very smartly about it. I need to make sure he pays. I will be going to the company anniversary and I am sure we will see each other at some point, so I wanted you to know, and also I wanted to ask you to please act as if we are strangers.”
I was so shocked I could not say a thing.
“I know this is a surprise to you, and it was very painful to me as well to hear your story, but as women, we must be strong in the face of adversity. Can I count on you?”
“Ye..yes of course Dr. White and I am sorry,” I said because I understood now why she had acted like she did. I would have lost my shit completely in her place.
“Don’t be; I will be the one with the last laugh, goodbye.”
I sat in my bed still trying to wrap my head around the weirdness of life and how it connects people in the most strange ways.
No wonder she could not treat me anymore. Bastard! Now I was angrier with him. He was the reason I had to give up my good therapist, no offense to Dr. Chagra and her thesis.
Chapter 5
The beach was beautiful and the hotel wasn't bad either. It was not super high class but it was nice enough, plus the view of the ocean from the room made up for anything that might be missing. My roommate turned out to be Carmen Oliveira, one of the resident gossipmongers on my floor. She was nice enough when she wasn't blabbering away. She was in her late 50s and enjoyed the sound of her voice a little bit too much. She was divorced with three adult children and a love for gossip of every kind. By the time I had put my things away and donned my bathing suit, I knew Carmen hated her ex-husband with a passion, Heather from HR had syphilis, the CEO wore a wig, the cafeteria lady took bribes, and that she was gonna try to be on the first row when Mr. DeLone got caught cheating by his doctor wife. I smiled and pretended to care waiting for the perfect time to make my escape. As soon as Carmen got in the bathroom to change clothes I made my escape.
I didn't want to see Marcus or Dr. White but of course, he decided to sit on the beach chairs that were right next to me. He had the nerve to wink at me, the bastard! Thankfully Dr. White was wearing one of those huge floppy hats so she didn't see me. I needed to get the hell out of dodge, so it was time for a swim. I took my towel and my book and left the comfort of the lounger. I put my things on my towel closer to the shore and went in the water. I loved swimming. It had always been the only activity I could enjoy without my illness ruining it. I knew of many cases of OCD that were much worse than mine. I had an aunt that kept reminding me of that fact every time I saw her. Even one of my psychiatrists, when I was a teenager, told me I only had OCD tendencies; apparently, Anxiety was the real culprit in his opinion. I called it like I saw it and I might be able to stop washing my hands after two times but I still had to make myself stop. I still had to actively make myself do things or stop doing things, and I still cried and wish my brain was not broken. To me, this was still the worse OCD because I was the one suffering from it. It's funny how things like that work. No matter how mild the shit you have to deal with in life is, it is still shit all over you.
Denissa's happy screams took me out of my chill swimming experience.
"Glenny! Come out here, they are passing out goody bags in the lobby!" She was waving a tote bag at me, while who must've been Thomas waved. Thomas was in his 40s, rocking a dad bod and wearing socks with his crocs. The bright orange Hawaiian shirt was open, showing what could only be described as a rug of chest hair, but I wasn't mad at it. He seemed nice and sweet and he would need to be to deal with Denissa. I got out and introduced myself to Thomas, who told me he knew all about me. I was afraid he probably did. We walked together to the lobby and I grabbed my free tote bag. Apparently, the crocs Thomas was wearing had come from the personalized tote bag. I looked in mine and found my very own pair of bright pink crocs in my size. I guess there were some perks when you worked for a multibillion-dollar corporation, even if it was just some crocs, sunscreen, and a book of coupons.
"We are gonna go donate blood; you should come with us. You get a free parasailing ride if you give blood," Thomas told me excitedly.
"Oh no, I don't need to go parasailing, thank you Thomas."
Denissa would not take no for an answer. She went through the whole repertoire from, " You'll have so much fun parasailing with us" to "Think about all the poor babies that need your type of blood to survive." She pretty much dragged me with them to the Red Cross bus that was parked in front of the hotel. Before donating we had to answer a couple of questions. One of which was, Are you pregnant or have the possibility of being pregnant? My stomach dropped immediately as my mind made a quick revision of the past couple of months. I had not gotten my period and I was never the most regular of gals in that department but there was very much reason to freak out. I dropped the questionnaire and ran out of the bus. Thankfully Denissa was already donating and could not run after me. I took a taxi and went directly to the first Pharmacy I saw. Two hours and two pregnancy tests later I was balling my eyes out on the floor of my hotel room. So here we are, back to the beginning of this story. How the hell did I get here and what am I gonna do now?147Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxrecA6MG6L
Carmen was still out and I knew I needed to get the hell out of dodge. I had to go to the doctor right away. I couldn't see myself as a mother at this point in my life. I was alone, I couldn't even think of what the gossipmongers would say about me around the office. They would make work hell and I needed my job. I had finally found a job that allowed me to pay for rent in a semi-nice part of town. I was too messed up to bring a child into the world and I could not afford a child. Who would take care of it when I went to work? I would have no money for daycare. What I made was merely enough to get by now. I would never tell Marcus. I didn't want a child to have anything to do with a rapist piece of shit like him. I also couldn't be pregnant for 9 months at work and then just give the baby up for adoption. They would crucify me, plus I would be labeled a slut. God, I hated that word. I couldn't believe I used it so casually before. Could I live with myself if I aborted the baby? Was that even an option at this point in the pregnancy? Too many questions, and too many horrible scenarios and they all played non-stop in my head. I heard a knock on the door and that was when I realized my dress was full of blood. I was making deep welts on my arms with my nails as I scratched furiously at them. Carmen was banging on the door.147Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQW2nVu3I89
" You are scaring me Glenna. Open the door or I'm calling security. I can hear you crying. What is going on? Open the door please."147Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbM9yo0RAiW
I couldn't let Carmen see me like this. I kept my OCD to a minimum at work. She was part of the gossipmongers; it would be the end for me. I had to tell her some lie and get the hell out of there. I tried to lie but my mind was not cooperating with me. I did manage to escape but not as you may think. My mind made its own escape, and disaster was coming to sweep me away in its dark embrace.147Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF8euYP89mX
Chapter 6147Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8pEoSUy5zv
Seven months later I was having a baby and that baby was taken away from me. I don't even remember having any pain. They took the baby out of my stomach, I know because I can feel the scar still. I spend my days in a hospital, looking out of a window. My mother comes to visit some days and she tells me that as soon as I get better I can go home with her. I only speak in my mind now and I organize imaginary pens in my head. I want to get better but I'm afraid to do so. I don't think I could deal with what my life turned into. I had a daughter, my mother showed me a picture once. She kept the baby for 6 months, hoping I would get better, but eventually when that didn't happen she had to give the baby up for adoption. It was a closed adoption so even if I snapped out of it I would never be able to find the baby. I wouldn't know what to do with a baby anyway. I felt like a horrible person. I wanted to disappear, and so I did. I still think about the gossipmongers. I'm sure that I am like a wet dream to them. I can see them whispering in my mind. They are probably still weaving tales about me to this day. Every company anniversary they would recall that one time the paramedics had to roll the crazy lady from sales out of the hotel to take her to the psychiatric hospital. I no longer care; let their tongues wag and their venom spill. I'll be here looking out of the window, counting the leaves as they fall to the ground, and hoping that my daughter could find the happiness in life that I never could.
The End147Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUVRJx61UuA
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