"So, you have nightmares too?" I jolted my head up from my hands, I didn't even hear the lock of the door go.
I was still breathing heavy, the panic attack slowly ebbing away when Fallen closed the door behind him. He leans against the wood with his arms crossed remaining quiet as he waited for me to respond.
"Erm... Yeah." I wiped the tears from under my eyes, gulping down hard to stop any more surfacing.
"Are they always that bad?"
I groan a little in embarrassment. "You heard?"
He nodded at me slowly, I mumbled a sorry before pushing the covers off my legs. The bed was damp with my sweat despite how cold the room was, the early morning frost left a sheen on the window. It was easily distinguishable with the daylight that streaked through the window, the trees surrounding us frosted over.
I look back at Fallen when I hear movement, he seems uncomfortable, like he's not sure what to say to me.
Maybe he didn't want to make it worse for me.
Either way, I can't sit in the awkward silence for much longer. "They weren't too bad for a long time, but, they've gotten worse again."
"Makes sense with everything." I nodded along with him.
The weight of the silence sat heavy on my shoulders. For a moment, I take in a big breath just to focus on how big I could expand my lungs, how I could feel the muscles between each of my ribs ache from the tension.
Fallen cleared his throat from the door.
"Do you ever have dreams about our parents?"
I shake my head.
"No." His head dropped down away from my stare. "Except maybe one? It's pitch black, I'm always curled up in the corner and there's just this slither of light in front of me. I can't see anything, I just, I hear people shouting. They're always shouting and fighting." He gave me this weird expression, it sounded stupid. "I know it doesn't sound scary, but it feels so real, and they keep saying my name. My first name, that is."
His face morphed into realisation, sadness mixing in through his blue eyes.
"It's a memory, isn't it? It's not just a dream." I say the minute I see his expression shift.
"That would be the cupboard."
I didn't know what to say to that.
I'd had that nightmare on and off for many years, not that I got what was happening. It explains why I'm so scared of it, whenever I have that nightmare, it takes days to shift the feeling. It makes me scared to fall asleep, along with the multitude of other reasons to be afraid to go to sleep.
Fallen finally leans off the wall before awkwardly helping me out of the bed.
Helping to twist me around so my feet planted on the floor by the bed. It was so strange... all of this. How was I supposed to react, one minute he's like this, the next he's aggressive and authoritarian?
I remembered his words when he first entered, speaking up when he pulled up my trouser leg to analyse my swollen knee.
"You said too?"
He didn't look up, only looking at the bruised skin around the joint. Pressing his palm against it and feeling the heat still coming from it. The primary bruising spread along the inside of my leg where it directly hit the rock.
"Huh?" He mumbled.
"You said 'you have nightmares too?'" After a while of looking at my knee, he pulled down the material and stood up. My head followed.
"Uh, Yeah. I mean...They don't make me scream or whatever but... they can keep me up at night."
I almost wanted to say sorry, but he didn't really deserve it from me.
"Let's go, I'll make us some breakfast and we can talk about everything." I've gotten used to leaning on Fallen to move around now, there's not much else I can do at the moment with this knee and everything else.
"And Lucas?"
He huffed beside me, opening the door, and walking us down the hallway. "He can join... but he's staying handcuffed... and I get my gun."
"Is that the final offer?"
Fallen's lip quirked in the corner, somehow finding it funny. His head shakes to hide it and keeps us moving.
"Just move it."
Instead of taking me to the kitchen, he dropped me down onto the sofa facing the wood burning stove. I slumped down readjusting myself to get comfortable. From the looks of the sofa, you'd think it had been here far longer than even Fallen, its armrests dented and frayed. The seat itself had sunken somehow but he had a multitude of cushions and one or two blankets draped over the back of it.
"Stay here. I'm going to grab him." He looked down on me pointedly, daring me to move a muscle.
I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest, and narrowing my eyes at him.
"I'll try not make a marathon of it." I jibed back, looking down at my leg with annoyance.
Goddamn stupid rock.
His eyes rolled before he pushed up his jumper sleeves and walked away from me. My head followed him as he unlocked the door to the room with Lucas in it.
It felt like forever they were in there, there's only a quite muffled collection of words that I couldn't make out because Fallen had shut the door behind him. They're in there for so long in fact that I turned back around in my seat and focused my sights on the stove in front of me.
Except I wasn't really looking, only staring into nothing. Trying to find a quiet moment in my brain that would eliminate the fear of being in this room.
Alone.
The sound of a door being opened behind me turned my head. I caught a glimpse of Lucas being pushed out of the first door.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzSQB0o7xwM
Which is when I catch his eye, it's only a second until its shoved forwards and down out of view as they moved along the hallway.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5xpTFdOVxI
But the image of his right eye swollen, red, and angry burned in my head.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQI8050hdiN
"Can you close the door?" I heard the muffled chatter.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2dVPkRbiBB
"How about not."64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNMDwzNPSAl
A collection of grumbled words stemmed from Lucas before I try to zone out the sounds of him using the toilet which seemed to echo through the hallway loudly.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNtdyI0HgRz
It wasn't long after that I heard the scuffle of feet down the hallway. My breath hitched in my throat when Lucas stepped past the last two beams and into view.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkHd71qPvmU
His hands cuffed in front of him and Fallen behind him with a hand in his hair, pushing him forward to the sofa beside me. Dropping him down next to me, I was too shocked at the sight of him to move.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVZUJ5YxCh3
"I'm only going to say this once. You do anything to escape, and I will shoot you. I may not shoot to kill, solely based on Elbina here, but I'll make sure it fucking hurts." He bit out, glaring down at Lucas as he spoke.
"Noted." Lucas grumbled his acceptance, eyes narrowed and furious. Fallen looks at us a second before he's satisfied and moved to the kitchen behind us, leaving us sitting there uncomfortably.
I don't know what to do, he's not looking at me and he looks so incredibly angry that I don't know how to handle it.
After a few more tense moments with Fallen shuffling stuff around behind us, the sounds of cupboard doors opening and shutting as he goes, I decide to turn him.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡihTmxzBRvj
"Are you okay?" I whispered.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8nIqazaw9t
He still didn't look at me, I inch my hand forward, trying to touch his reddened wrists under the cuffs, but he snatched them away from me.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxhBCbOdG4G
There was the familiar twist in my gut, clenching painfully.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSp5Jx12v8R
"Lucas?" Even if I didn't want to show it, the hurt was evident when I spoke.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv08hcC0I3z
Fallen pipes up from the kitchen, the clink of his gun placed on the counter in front of him. "I'd be nicer to her if I were you."64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzwG3J150Wi
"Shut up." I leaned back away from Lucas when he spat it out.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiZ286T1uVl
"She's the reason you're even still alive right now. I would've gotten rid of you if it weren't for Elbina." I almost forgot about that.
The burning van flashes across my eyes.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRwsi7SDwwZ
"She's lied to me from the moment I met her." I gulp, guilt swirled around in my chest, battering against my ribcage again and again.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡssegd8R3Jf
"And that's not her fault."64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPB26JcADau
Lucas paused, his jaw grinding as he quickly lifted an eye to me. "Is it?"64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIfnwi10mGa
The blame he placed on me with that look was intense, it hit me right in the chest that it had me immediately trying to gulp down the tears.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT93RhIIsgF
Fallen scoffed loudly. "You're sure you want him still alive now?"64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW8vJCNEI10
His words hung in the air, I said nothing, holding my arms across my chest tightly.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBQOzB1vJfR
Shuffling myself as far away from him as possible, seeing him still hunched over himself with fists clenched in his lap.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEBld1UElbm
"I'm sorry." His eyes twitched, head turning just slightly away from me.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXBj4fV7Zl3
"Don't apologize for shit. He's being unfair." A pot banged against the stove top as Fallen spoke from behind us.64Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4FzlWFOpfO
I ignored him, clearing the frog in my throat before I turned my head to him again. "Lucas, I'm so sorry."
"Elbina. You didn't have a choice in telling him, it's one of the first things they tell you. You are no longer the person you were before and that's exactly what you did." He was talking to himself now because I wasn't responding to him. My gaze solely on the side of Lucas' head.
"I should have told you, but like Fallen said. I wasn't supposed to, and after everything... I just wanted to start fresh." I couldn't have told him, although the mere fact that I didn't want too anyway wasn't wrong either.
"Please, I never thought this would happen." He lifted his head finally to look at me, tired and hurt.
"So, you'd have never told me?" He whispered.
"Probably not." I added on before he had a chance to speak again. "But why would I have needed to? It wasn't directly affecting my life and it barely even crossed my mind."
"Because I thought I knew everything about you..." His head fell backwards, resting on the back of the sofa.
I frown, inching closer to him to drive my point across. "So did I, before I found out about Quinn! Do you think you'd have told me anything about that if he hadn't made you?" The eye contact broke, he knew I had a point.
"Fallen's right. You're being unfair, I didn't ask for any of this. I'm in the same boat as you and I need you on my side." I whispered towards the end, so it's just him who hears me.
And maybe he understood... maybe he didn't... but he didn't say another word.
It wasn't long later that I was accepting the bowl from Fallen, observing the sloppy porridge. Lucas' dropped in his lap with little grace but thankfully none of it spilled as his hands quickly steadied it in his lap, a glare sent up to a nonchalant Fallen.
Fallen then dragged one of the chairs from the kitchen into the living space, sitting down in front of us. His eyes scrutinised the two of us on the sofa, eating from his own bowl as he sat back in his chair.
It was disconcerting but I ate in silence, without the sounds of the fire going anymore there's only the clinking of the spoons on the bowls and the quiet chewing.
The tension would be enough for any person to go crazy, but it finally released when we all finished. I dropped my bowl to the floor in front of me and leaned back in nerves because the man who sat beside me... the man I had taken comfort in for so many years seemed so distant and off that I felt completely alone.
I wondered what June and Jake would be doing, she called Lucas before we left. What would she have done when I didn't come home?
It had been over a day since I had essentially gone missing, Lucas too. Would the police tell his dad? He was over 18, an adult... what if Mitch doesn't find out?
All this ran through my mind and my teeth chewed through my lip till I tasted metallic iron on my tongue.
Both mine and Lucas' heads lifted when Fallen began speaking.
"I get why you reacted the way you did yesterday." His eyes trained on mine. "No one wants to hear their parents aren't good people. You had this golden image of them and I'm sorry I had to break it."
He leaned forward in his seat. "But you don't know anything about them, you've blocked out all the bad bits and I tried everything I could at the time to keep you naïve to it."
"I didn't get that chance though... I lived it." I couldn't say anything, so I didn't, just watched his expression change from frame to frame as he went through the motions.
"They were doing work for people, bad people. The worst kind of people and they didn't care. They got money from it I suppose, and they were smart."
"I can't be sure, I never got an answer or proof but, do you remember what happened to the London eye?" I nod quietly.
I did remember, I can visualise the aftermath. The smoke billowing from the carriage after the explosion and the screams of the people as they realised what happened.
It's a curse of the modern age, everything is recorded in some form or another. So when something would be just read about before, now you see it first-hand over and over again.
They still bring it up, every time they change the terrorist threat level they remind us. Constantly reminding the country of one of its darkest days.
"That happened because they allowed it to, for money."
"My best guess is, because I'm still not sure why they were killed... they pissed off one of the guys they worked with and all I know is he suddenly turned on them because of some microchip thing. So, they were killed and I guess they just hoped they could find it... they've been looking ever since."
I jump in, asking the only thing I could that didn't go further into how shit my parents were. "What did you mean yesterday, when you said about someone being moved up? What does that have to do with any of this?"
"Gerald Truemen, the guy who has taken the lead of MI5? There's nothing wrong with him from what I know, I even remember him coming round our house once towards the end. Asking our parents questions, I guess he seemed fairly suspicious." He leans forward, resting his elbows on his thighs and rubbing his palm over his jaw.
"Gerald isn't the issue about that promotion. The guy I'm worried about is Nathanial Towers. He's evil and dangerous and he was the most involved with whatever they were doing. He wants this more than anyone else. So when Gerald moved up, it means he does too and then he'd have enough clearance to know who you were. To know where you'd gone and there would have been nothing stopping him from taking you himself. I can't let that happen Elbina because I know him, I know what he's capable of." My lungs constrict and breathing shallows hearing it.
I shouldn't actually believe any of this, it's insane.
But I'm scared because Fallen looks scared too.
"Why would he think I'd have it?" I rubbed my temple, easing the growing headache forming from this conversation.
"He's tried everything else. You're the last connection he hasn't tried."
But it still doesn't make sense, how did Fallen find me? Surely if he could, then Nathaniel could too. "Well... how did you find me then?"
"Gerald. He told me... he tried to help me." I narrow my eyes after hearing it.
"You've known where I was the entire time!?" It comes out a little more hurt then I was hoping.
He knew. I wasn't hidden from him. He fucking knew.
Fallen sighed, holding up a hand to prevent me from speaking further.
"Do you remember that night three years after you moved there? The guy who tried to take you?" I nod slowly,
"That was my fault... I thought I should try and see if you had it somehow, but there was someone following me that I didn't know about. He saw you and connected the dots. I didn't mean for that to happen and that's why I've kept as far away from you since then to prevent that from happening again."
Lucas spoke from beside me for the first time. "Someone tried to take you before? When?"
I turned to him, rubbing my arm with discomfort. "When I was eight, June stopped him and then he ran off... he was killed..."
Me and Lucas both glanced ahead of us to look at Fallen whose eyes hardened. "I couldn't let him get away."
Lucas breathed out from next to me. "This is crazy."
My hands wiped over my face, wincing when it hit the bruised skin.
"Are we safe from them here?"
"I've been here thirteen years." He speaks. "They haven't found me yet."
I look around, the window by the door, out into the woods that surround the cottage. The light streaming in through the trees now with the morning sun.
"Where even is this?" I mumble, partly to myself but he answers anyway.
"Not far from Dolwyddelan in the Snowdonia National park. I've been renting this place from the farmer two miles down the road. She doesn't ask questions since I pay in cash."
Lucas leaned forward in confusion. "Where do you get the money?"
"Like I said, our parents were doing this stuff for money, they had a stash of cash in the house when I was grabbing everything else before I ran."
He lets out a sigh, "I help out on the farm occasionally and pick up some work during the lambing season but not often, just so no one becomes too familiar."
We sat there taking in all the information, mulling it over.
"Where does this leave us then?" I turned my head to Lucas, elbows on his thighs as he leaned his head on his hands. The red sores on his wrists bright, it was obvious he'd tried breaking them, I only had to looks at the cuts from where the metal sheared through the skin.
It only made the guilt in my gut worse.
"I don't know." Fallen paused, shaking his head. "I just knew I had to get you out of there."
"But if we find the microchip they want?" I was moving my head back and forth between the two like an umpire. Lucas searches for answers and Fallen struggles to provide anything positive for either of us.
"I spent years searching... I don't know if it's even possible anymore."
Lucas raised his voice beside me, glancing at me before turning back.
"Well clearly, it's still got some stuff they want on it, they're not going to stop. If we don't find it then are you saying we're here indefinitely?"
There was a long pause, he didn't have to say it, we already knew.
It didn't make it any easier when he said it though.
"Yes."
Images of June and Jake flooded through my head.
I'd never see them again...I'll just be that story that they tell years in the future, just a memory. They'll feel betrayed, they might think I decided to run away.
I didn't want that.
I didn't want any of that.
And I'm not staying here forever, in hiding.
With that, I made eye contact with both of them individually.
Narrowing my eyes in determination, swallowing down the tremor in my voice.
"Well, we better find it then."
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