Taylor's POV
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Staring into my en-suite toilet is a wonderful way to wake up, the morning sickness has upped over the last couple of days. Thinking of my first two pregnancies, with Henry and Emilia I had not experienced intense sickness on a daily basis. Valeria, my midwife has visited twice, and although the sickness is inconvenient she had assured me that everything is progressing well with the baby. Now that I’m further along it would be possible to determine the gender of the life growing inside of me however I have opted to keep it all a surprise, even though Emilia has expressed that she would quite like a younger sister.
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Ross wanders in having fed the children breakfast and distracted them with kids tv, he's a godsend. I hear the main bedroom door click and know that he'll be along within minutes of crossing the canopy bed and realising I'm not still asleep.
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"Call out next time" he smiles warmly when he enters the tiled bathroom. His long hair pulled up and loose joggers on. The light streams in on my bare back as I hover over the bowl feeling his hands pull my hair back. Kneeling behind me as I squirm imagining that this is pure hell for him. Looking after me and my two children when all I can mange to do is be sick all of the time. And when I'm not throwing up, I'm staring into space consumed by misery.
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"I'm sorry" I whisper when the sickness stops. Keeping my head upright as I wait for another throwing up session. Ross pulls an elastic through my hair and proceeds to rub my bare back with his hands. His hands running over my skin and resting on my lower tummy before he speaks.
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"Why are you sorry" he whispers slowly holding onto me.
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"I can't imagine that looking after a sick pregnant widow, and her two children, is what you wished for" I laugh before hurling again as he supports my lower tummy and rubs my back. The cool marble floor under my knees as I empty the contents of my stomach.
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The vulnerability has snuck into my brain, the grief had been intense in the weeks after the funeral. The temporary relief that I felt seemed to vanish and left me feeling lost. As people left to return to their normal lives, I sunk into a feeling as close to depression as I've ever been. Ross, the last man standing has felt the full force of my misery. I've lashed out at him one to many times for being so protective of me. It had not been the most favourable of moments on my behalf; when he had just been checking to see that I was okay having spent days that turned into weeks seeing me distracted and in some sort of trance. I push the thought away not eager to remind myself of how I threw myself at him afterwards and then collapsed into tears on the sofa. Attempting to kiss him and hold him like I would my husband is not something that I should have done so soon. We put it down to me being in the throes of grief. It is a testament to him, that months later he is still here. I have kept my distance from him and he has accepted the inevitable fallout from my reckless behaviour.
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Flushing the chain and standing on my own two feet he watches me pace over to the double vanity sink and wash thoroughly. Mouthwash included. As the water splashes over my face I decide in that very moment that being more present and darn right appreciative of him is necessary.
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I turn to him and take in his expression of utter confusion at my tumultuous mood swings. His eyes thick with emotion as he looks over me and the small bump I now have. I had been concealing it with flowy dresses however that has become impossible. Rachel has guessed from my mood swings and I had rather awkwardly wept on her shoulder for an hour or so as Christopher moved the children outside to play a game of football not wanting them to experience the crazy pregnant widow in full swing of a meltdown. Hormones are not helping and it's yet another worry on my plate that I'm unable keep my emotions in check.
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"I'm sorry for being a shitty person to the only person that has kept me together throughout this whole..." I whisper slipping my cropped T-shirt back on having not wanted to soil it with my sickness. My bump peeking out over my loose joggers. Ross and I are past unintentionally seeing one another half naked, grown so used to seeing one another's bodies by accident all be it we still use seperate bedrooms.
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"Okay" he murmurs softly shaking his head slightly and approaching me with caution. I'm sure he's unsure of what version of Taylor he will encounter most of the time. Be it the caring loving friend, the girl who throws herself at him, or the misery ridden zombie. However I make it my absolute goal to steady myself for him, to make sure that he can depend on me too.
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"I have been tactful. I have been sensitive" he whispers slowly his hands reaching out for me.
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"I have Taylor, but you're not a shitty person, not at all. This is honestly the least I could do." He says softly.
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"I am. I haven't appreciated you. Throughout this whole thing and I'm sorry." I whisper holding my hands around his neck, cheek to cheek as I feel his tears trickle from his eyes. I sweep my thumbs over his face and wipe them away as he gazes upon me.
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"I care so much about you" he whispers and I nod feeling his sincerity.
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"I don't want you to sink, I'm here to help you float and manage" he says slowly.
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"You've done more, you've literally helped me to survive. You've fed my children. And cared for them. And I love you for it" I whisper holding onto him as he shakes his head. Ross is in denial, I can see it from how he discounts anything I say relating to my feelings for him. And although in my own mind, I know that I will always love Jay, that I also hold his engagement ring around my neck. Ross shakes me off usually telling me it's too soon. However the time that has elapsed, months upon months that have put me through so much, has made the whole idea of time feel irrelevant.
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However, the feelings I feel are not something I wish to withhold any longer. Given that we are entitled to one life that can be snuffed out so quickly I've decided not to stop living. Not to shy away. And in no way is that to say that I should or will be jumping into bed with him. But being honest and present in the situation I feel is the correct way to begin.
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"I love you for everything" I whisper holding onto his face in my palms as if it's the most valuable thing I'll ever set my eyes upon. Refusing to let him look away, as I stare into eyes that almost believe me. I'm waiting for him to jump with me, to believe me. To dream with me about the future. My thumbs wiping away more tears he sighs slightly before lowering his soft mouth to mine. An innocent kiss, a brush of the lips that is tender. Just short of the passion that he holds back.
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"You're not hearing me" I whisper as he holds back, his fingertips on my hips.
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"I don't want you to say anything that you feel rushed to say to me" he whispers and it comes out muddled as I cling onto him.
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"I'm not rushing, I'm being honest and you told me" I whisper looking up at his face which towers above me. His bare chest where I lay my head.
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"You told me that you chose this life" I say.
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"I was not ready to give you my life back. I wasn't even myself. I kept you here and you stayed through all of the pain and the misery. And now Ross I am ready" I whisper into his chest my palms rubbing his bare back.
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"I love you and I'm ready to love you back now" I whisper slowly as he stands utterly quietly. Should he choose to leave me I shall sink into my outdoor pool and not rise again. The Italian sunshine should be my last sight as I leave this world.
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Ross falls down to his knees, so steadily and so strong like his unwavering heart. Gazing upon me like I've unlocked him from some dark prison where he was keeping all of his affections locked away.
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"I love you" he whispers holding onto my hips as he looks up at me in the bathroom. I lower myself to joining him on the floor as his hands pull me into his embrace, stroking my back and holding onto the bump between us. The sun streams over his soft features and I rub his back with my palms as I sit in his lap.
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"I love you" he repeats closing his mouth around my own, no passion removed from the onslaught of kisses that he bestows upon me.
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***
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"How's the baby" Rachel asks me softly as I stir the pot on the gas stove. Thomas in her arms who is now babbling away and eyeing the room curiously. His hair has progressively gotten lighter and resembles Christopher’s sandy locks.
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"Causing me a lot of sickness" I tell her as she sighs giving into Thomas' squeals and placing a teether in his mouth for the teeth that are cutting into his gums. The sun has set and the children have been playing in the pool all day. I have surmised that they will be confident swimmers, especially from the way Henry dives in at the deep end just like his father would have at his age. Ross has been pretty protective of both me and the children always making sure that we are safe.
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Henry; being that he is older has asked a few times about his daddy and both Ross and I have sat him down and talked to him openly. Usually our discussions have ended with him hugging and holding onto both of us as he attempts to process what has occurred. We had shown him Jay's note which I had taken from the briefcase. He has kept a hold of it and it now sits in his bedside cabinet along with some treasured pictures of him and Jay together.
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"No more of mommas boobies whilst that's coming through" she sighs and I giggle as she eyes Ross curiously walk past and stroke my back before returning to Christopher with another beer. She raises an eyebrow and I laugh, feeling alive again.
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"That's ugh what's going on?" She asks directly as Thomas gnaws at the cool rubber toy and I fry up the steaks humming along to the playlist over the speakers. Rachel's keen eyes wash over Ross before she looks at me intrigued.
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"You should have been a detective" I laugh as she demands answers.
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"I love him" I whisper looking at the steaks sizzle, the fryer cooking through the chunky chips and onions.
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"You bloody hell" she gasps before covering Thomas's ears and making me howl with laughter.
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"He's put me back together, he literally held my life together with his bare hands. I told him I love him. He told me it was too soon and so I told him again" I explain and she smiles.
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"He's loved you since the first day he met you" she whispers looking over at him talking to Christopher, Emilia dangling at his legs. She watches him like an older sister who cares for nothing more than his happiness.
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"I won't hurt him" I whisper reading her mind, she too thinks I'm rushing my recovery and that I will fall out of my feelings.
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"When somebody cares that much for you, you love them back for it" I tell her honestly as I plate up everybody else's steaks, leaving mine in so that it is cooked within an inch of its life because of the baby.
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"I love him" I assure her and she smiles mischievously.
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"No we haven't, we sleep in seperate beds" I tell her soberly as she giggles and I shake my head feeling like a teenager. I collapse into laughter at her keen smile and she straightens out her pale pink dress. Scooping my hair up into a high ponytail as my baby blue dress slips over bump, feeling his arms encompass my waist quickly as she giggles again.
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"You're hot" he surmises as Christopher's eyes widen slightly and I consider the cat to be out of the bag. He laughs and blushes watching Ross wrap his arms around me.
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"You always put your hair up when you're too hot" he says fanning me with his hands and making me giggle.
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"Let me" he whispers and I kiss his cheek before he gets to work on frying the rest of my steak. Rachel passes Christopher his son and he rocks him to sleep briefly smiling at me, a look that tells me he is pleased for me. I suppose after the months of me being miserable and barely existing it's a welcome development to see me smile again.
The steaks are glorious, I serve them with my famous peppercorn sauce alongside vegetables, fried onion rings and homemade style chips. Emilia helps herself mainly to the salad in the middle of the table, gnaws at a few chips before demanding that Ross does bedtime over me. I chuckle watching her look up at him and the twinkle in his eyes as she tells him about her new dolly’s and a game she had been playing with Amelie.
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“Daddy Ross, can you read the dinosaur book” she looks up at him as Christopher smiles. Ross blushes looking over at me for reassurance. I rub his bare arm and consider myself lucky to have him,
not as a replacement for my husband, but a dependable man that loves us all.
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“I can of course” he smiles down at her big blue eyes as she yawns.
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I lift Henry up and take him up to bed, to his jungle inspired room that Jay and I spent weeks decorating. With soft bears all resembling different animals, switching on the large projector light over his high bunk bed and tucking him in as he watches me with eyes that are full of questions.
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“I love you Henry” I say to him as he watches me.
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“I love you momma” he whispers slowly, his eyes just like Jay’s.
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“I don’t want to forget daddy” he whispers as a small tear slips from his eyes. I hug him dearly and smile pushing back tears myself.
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“We will all never forget daddy” I smile down at him as the projector illuminates different animals above us, a large rainforest on his ceiling as he sleeps.
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“Your daddy is watching everything that you do and he is so proud of you” I smile ruffling his blonde curls.
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“Why did he have to go momma” he whispers nodding to me. My mind whirls and I think of all of the reasons; like how the world is cruel and unfair. All of them things I do not wish to impart upon his innocent ears.
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“He loved you so so much, I know that he’s missing you” I whisper as he nods wiping his eyes. Climbing into the top bunk with him, I hold my child in my arms until he catches his breath.
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“I love Ross too” he whispers finally, and a small tear slips out of my eyes.
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“He teaches me things and he plays in the pool with me” he whispers and I giggle slightly. It’s clear that he is processing the situation himself, and I’m sure for years he will continue to.
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“He’s clever isn’t he, momma has known Ross for years” I tell him and he smiles.
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“Longer than you’ve been alive” I smirk and he gasps.
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“We all love you Henry” I smile down at him. His eyes blue with lashes that line them as I inhale the scent of him before gazing over at the bear in the corner of the room. Gifted to him by his godparent at the time, Matthew.
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“Is Matthew ever coming to play again” he asks me innocently and I look down at his rosy cheeks and smile.
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“Matthew? You haven’t asked about him in a long time” I whisper as he rubs his tired eyes.
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“I miss him too” he whispers and I look away to hide my worry. It’s imperative that I do not give him any false hope, as I’m unsure myself whether we will ever see Matthew again.
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“Matthew has been very busy, he’s a photographer, he takes photos of things all around the world.” I begin slowly looking at the bear in the corner. Reminding myself of the time he gave it to Henry when he was but a baby.
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“Like of lions and bears!” He imagines and I laugh.
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“He takes pictures of everything darling” I smile holding him until his breathing deepens. Wiping my own eyes as I climb down steadily from his bed. Hearing his soft snores as I place a few of the toys back before he begins murmuring in his sleep. Mostly it’s all stray words, not anything that I can place together in a sentence. Daddy Ross he murmurs and I catch my breath looking over at his sleeping, angelic face as he sleeps calmly. Leaving the projector light on I softly close the door and smile to myself as I wander down the steps of the large farmhouse. Hearing the crackle of the fire in the living area before I walk in with my pale blue dress swaying around my hips. Sinking into the sofa next to Ross, Rachel and Chris have wandered off home and I consider that we should probably visit them sometime instead of making them come here.
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“He said your name in his sleep” I murmur lying back and looking at the flames licking up the chimney breast. It’s oddly intimate sitting with him and I hide the blush in my cheeks as he wraps his arms around me. Now that things have been said out loud, and there is clarity between us, him holding me somehow means more.
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“He did huh?” He whispers and I giggle.
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“He said daddy Ross” I smirk and he laughs loudly.
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“Daddy Ross indeed” I smirk as the fire crackles and I slip my head onto his chest once more.
Watching the olive trees in the distance, the moon glistening outside and the sound of the crickets. His arms hold me together as he kisses me slowly.
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“I love them so much” he smiles and I wrap myself around him holding onto him until I close my eyes.
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