Matthew's POV
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Dawn is my favourite time of day, the way the mist settles around the fields making them look murky. Looking closely out of the windows at the deer bounding through the fields. The morning light filtering weakly through the sky. Turning from the wooden desk I gaze over at Emily, asleep on her front with her hair splayed across her back.
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Facing the page again on the desk, the landscape I am attempting to draw from sight. My tools are not great given that my art stuff is all in America, I sweep my brunette hair back and look up trying to garner a snapshot of what I'm drawing in my mind. Six or seven deer leaping through the grass, a backdrop of trees just behind them. An impression of light that I must capture in the picture.
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Marking the page delicately as I hum looking regularly at the world that I'm drawing inspiration from. The outline coming together nicely as I
refuse to think about the nightmare I just woke up from of Taylor pleading with me to help her. She had been underwater, as I dived in, the feeling of the water almost tangible. I had searched through the depths of the ocean. Endless blue ripples that I got lost in unable to locate her yet able to hear her tears. To hear her soft voice saying my name in the dark.
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"You're drawing" Emily murmurs and I nod not looking up.
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"What are you drawing?" She whispers as I hold my breath. Since the engagement party Emily has refused to look at me in the same way. The looks she gives me now are just slightly held back. A slight hesitation behind her stare.
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"I'm drawing our yard darling" I tell her and I hear her rising in the bed. She sips the water on the side and stands up pacing over to me. Her hands resting on my shoulders as she peers over the page.
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"It is our yard" she surmises as I look up at her slowly, my green eyes running over her thighs.
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"Except we call them grounds" she laughs and I watch her closely for signs that she's going to bring up my past. She usually gets a look in her eyes before she hesitates and broaches the subject.
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"It's pretty good Matthew" she smirks and I giggle slightly.
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"You like it?" I laugh eyeing her.
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"I like it" she whispers slowly watching me with keen eyes. I tell myself that I'm all clear until she watches me hesitating slightly, as though she's looking upon a lost child with no friends to call their own. A disowned child, it's aggravating.
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"Have you messaged them back yet" she asks brusquely. Emily is aware that Taylor and my whole life has been trying to contact me, she has assured me that I must attend to it all. Only Emily doesn't know all of the facts, Em knows Taylor and I dated. As far as she is aware we ended things mutually and Taylor went on to marry somebody that I used to know. I've decided that she need not know of my past miscarriage with her, or my engagement to her, or the fact that I spent years desperately trying to win her back. She most definitely must not know that I still dream about her, vividly and every night.
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"Messaged who darling?" I whisper looking out at the deer as she huffs growing impatient, it's been a few months. Emily is persistent, she will not quit and she has made it utterly clear that she will not be giving up on the whole thing. It's somewhat annoying that I can't just embrace our little life that we had been building because she is insistent on bringing up the past.
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"You know who Matthew" she whispers walking away from me, stomping actually. I raise my head and watch her slip into the en-suite, hearing the thundering water of the shower pound into the drains. Wildly Emily is displeased by me not wishing to message my ex partner. It's baffling and I set on my picture again looking down at the page and work out where the light comes through.
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Attempting to focus back into the picture, I brush the pencil over the page slowly. The deer fall into place quickly, the wild grass and the oak trees. My pencil working over the page and my imagination taking full force as I sketch the outline of her hair. Long wavy dark hair and eyes that bear into your soul.
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Placing my pencil down with a thud I push my own curls back and sigh looking at Taylor on my page. Not easily forgotten are you I whisper aloud before flipping the page on the oak dresser and stripping out of my shirt and boxers. Pacing over to the en-suite, creaking the door over and standing in the steamy bathroom.
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The outline of Emily behind the freestanding glass pane that separates the large waterfall rain shower. Her body slick with water as I walk in behind her, massaging her back as she rests her head back down on my chest.
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"I'll do it" I whisper in her ear as she nods.
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"For you I will catch up with them" I whisper slowly as my palms rub over her waist and she breathes in deeply. There's many ways I can get out of doing this, that is true, and honestly Emily will never understand the reasons behind me not wanting to make contact with Taylor again. There's a million half truths I could give her. A whole string of lines I could come up with to stop her interrupting our lives with this constant narrative. I think my way through every one of them as I wash her hair in the shower. As I place my hands over her stomach and tell her that I'm going to put my babies in her she smiles and I think of the reasons that I can imagine up for them having to call me over and over again. Christopher, Rachel, Ross and Taylor all trying to get a hold of me. The lies I can tell Emily about the whole thing.
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"We will be married in a month" she whispers slowly as I hold her hand in my own under the steamy water.
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"Mrs Henderson" I smile and she turns to face me slowly, the water streaming over our bodies.
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"Mr Henderson" she smiles slowly, thinking she has everything in me. Dependable, loyal Matthew Henderson that makes things right.
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"Leave it to me, I will sort it. You need to get on at that wedding planner" I smile before she takes my mouth in her own and kisses me. Our very own castle, so very pretentious of me, yet I've decided that I will not be the camera man this time. Instead I'll be the one saying I do. A horse and carriage for her to arrive in, of course I've invited my sister Kimberley although she is yet to RSVP. My head wanders over asking Ross to be my best man. Surmising that contact with him wouldn't be all that awful. In all truth I'm not even sure how long it's been since I've seen him, could it be six or seven months? Surely not I think slowly. A two week trip to Italy that turned into half a year.
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"I love you" she whispers before turning off the shower, I grasp a towel and smile wrapping her up before attending to myself. Dripping water all over the shiny black tiles as she laughs.
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"I love you darling" I smile slowly watching her stand in front of the double vanity sink and rustle through her makeup bag. Sweeping lotions over her face like there's no tomorrow as she eyes me in the mirror walking into our bedroom.
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Pulling on my Levi's and a white T-shirt, watching the mist clear over the field as I ponder a few things. Ross not returning from Italy, it's a conundrum. Ross calling me over and over again, I had been so focused on keeping my life a secret from Emily that I hadn't had time to wonder about it all. Typically Ross would go off and return when presumably Jay returned, and normally he would message me to let me know he was in London or New York. Given that he has no girl to return to the solitude eventually would get to him and he would ask to go out for a beer. Not this time, I think idly watching the deer sprint into the bushes.
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"Matthew" Emily calls out as my head snaps up and I look into the en-suite. The steam wafting out of the door into the grande bedroom, all be it luxurious, walk in showers and freestanding tubs. It’s traditional and so there is no extractor fan to aid the water vapour to be expelled from the room.
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"Yes darling" I call out subdued eyeing the image of Taylor on my page quickly. The dots connecting in my brain as I decide that I must at least locate Ross. Even just to settle my own curiosity. Six months I think stunned as I look out at the October morning, soon it will be Halloween and Emily will insist upon matching costumes and a party. How I have lost track of six months of my life so easily confounds me, from all of the weddings we’ve attended to planning our own, time has just disappeared. My mind wanders looking out at the fallen leaves, how the sky is grey and cold, over what could have kept Ross in Italy for six whole months.
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His editing company in London is a successful one and I cannot imagine him not at least checking in on it, we had both come to enjoy London when we first set down roots here years before. I watched as he set up his company which started as a very small business. How we would go to get sushi together, how I helped him to establish his contacts. Ross got his business set up and over time, taking the reins solely himself it became his baby. His achievement and his success wrapped up in it.
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Curiosity gets the better of me, I pull my phone out and quickly search up the editing company by name. Just as my eyes sweep over the permanently closed status written by the operating hours of the company’s name, I gasp out loud and my head pounds. Should Ross still be in Italy, clearly I think slowly, he has no intention of returning to London. That means that there has been a change, of which I cannot tell. His business was his distraction from his unwavering love of Taylor, it’s possible that could have changed. It’s impossible however, I think darkly that they’re together, as I look out at the thundering clouds lost in thought.
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“Matthew” Emily calls out almost exasperated and I realise that she has been calling out for a little while. I smile up her the panic racing through my brain. All of these assumptions collecting in my head. All of the possibilities and impossibilities.
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“Eggs?” She sighs ruffling my hair with her hand as I shake my head and smile.
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“Please” I smile as she bounds down to the kitchen, without any hesitation she is gone and I am breaking my no contact rule instantly. Dialling Ross’ number imminently and receiving the message tone as if his phone is off.
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“It’s not possible” I whisper to myself looking down at my sketch of Taylor, reminding myself of her lost eyes in my dream this morning and hearing her sobs echo through my mind.
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