Note: this chapter contains mild descriptions of depressive traits or symptoms
Please skip this chapter if needed, it doesn't impact the flow of reading.
And please do take care of your own mental health as it is important.
Bright beams of sun rays shined through the curtain crack, waking Kaelix up. His head was heavier than usual due the lack of sleep, putting him in a state of limbo between asleep and awake. He reached for his phone to check the time as usual, 8:00 a.m.. There was a new message, an attachment, Kaelix looked at the sender:
Zeal, sent at 00:00
Kaelix could feel his heart stop for a moment, the fogginess in his head cleared up a bit.
He clicked on the message revealing an mp3 file titled “Arrivederci”. A memory of a conversation surfaced from the depths of Kaelix’s mind:
“Do I have the privilege of having a song written for me by the great Zeal Ginjoka?”
“If there’s a special occasion.”
“My B-day!”
“Isn’t that in November?”
“Ah, you got me…”
“I promise I’ll write something for you on the next special occasion we have, okay?”
“Really? Oh Zeal Ginjoka you’re so nice to me! The nicest in the world!”
The memory trails off, everything else was a haze once again. What was the face he made back then? Kaelix could not remember. The memory was fresh, yet it felt so distant.
He was right, Zeal was the nicest person in the world, he wouldn’t lie to his face. Kaelix didn’t even know when Zeal composed this. Sly and sneaky, like a snake, that’s what he is.
“I knew it, you’re not as bad as everyone says.”
“You’re the nicest person in the world.”
Still groggled with sleep, Kaelix managed to open the file, hit play, and set it on loop like he always did with all of Zeal’s other songs. Soft notes of piano flowed, followed by strings and faint percussion, trombones layered the notes and bass brought in depth. The music was slow but kept a clear rhythm, a melody perfectly balancing laziness and grace. A genre Kaelix knew all too well: Jazz.
Zeal remembered his request from before. Not only that, he also put in effort in fulfilling it despite not having the skills for it. In fact, Zeal outdid himself with this masterpiece. A faint sense of sweetness bubbled in Kaelix’s chest. He has to tell Zeal about this in person sometime, tell him how he’s so much better than he’s giving himself credit for. His train of thought stopped abruptly at this point.
Oh, right.
“You left.” Kaelix whispered softly, both a sigh and a reminder.
The words triggered a sense of pain deep within him.
They said that falling in love was a pleasant feeling to have, and how he once looked forward to experiencing it.
It felt like a light fever at first, constantly warm and being lightheaded, weak. A feeling Kaelix enjoyed. But now all has shifted into a combination of bites and corrosion, burning a gaping hole on his heart. The exact polar opposite of enjoyable. To the point where he wanted it all to stop. He wanted to stop the pain, he wanted to stop the sensation of love —
He wanted to stop loving Zeal.
Despite all his attempts, Kaelix has fallen for this man with black hair and eyes of sunset hues. Just as how love sprouted silently within two weeks’ time, loneliness sprouted and bloomed at this very moment. With the rate of a wildfire, it scorched away every bit of emotion, leaving nothing behind. How cruel of a joke has fate played upon him, to have him fall in love just to rob it away.
“I don’t want to love you anymore.”
Only if feelings were things that could be stopped simply by just saying them out loud.
He couldn’t help but wonder if Zeal felt the same. Yet he also hoped that he didn’t, imagining this insufferable pain on someone he loved was much more unbearable than experiencing it personally.
He remembered Zeal’s words from an earlier segment of time.
Love? I think it’s wanting the best for them and ensuring that they do, even if it doesn’t include me in the picture.
How gentle, nice, and selfless was the man. How he wouldn’t and couldn’t be the same. He needed Zeal in the picture.
The instruments have faded away one by one, leaving the violin and guitar, echoing each other with slight twists, playing in harmony interchangeably as if sharing a conversation. Kaelix thought that it sounded familiar, yet he couldn’t remember where. He wasn’t awake enough to flip through the stack of memories either. Despite the lacking memory, the segment felt warm, cheerful even. He could even see him and Zeal happily sharing a conversation if he closed his eyes.
The violin and guitar made their retreat, giving way for the crisp chimes of the piano. A new sound followed, one that didn’t belong to any instrument he knows, or any instrument at all. A voice engraved into the depths of Kaelix’s heart, one he would recognize it anywhere.
Zeal was humming to the music, the main melody in fact. A voice velvety and deep, elegant and smooth as a cello. It was like a weighted blanket covering over his head, warm and comforting. With the slow melody, it was like if Zeal was right here in the room with him, singing him to sleep. The illusion smoothed out the sharp pains on his heart and nurtured drowsiness. How Kaelix wished how he could just be trapped in eternal slumber at that very moment. Then he wouldn’t have to deal with waking up, he wouldn’t have to deal with reality.
He wouldn’t have to deal with the fact that Zeal’s no longer here.
He knew that he could find Zeal if he wanted, he could always pick up the phone and call him. He could even fly to the city he’s in. Transport and phones do exist. It isn’t, and shouldn’t be as dramatically devastating as he’s making it.
But this was different.
It was the air, the sunset, the guitar leaning on the wall. Every inch of the world, down to the smallest speck of dust, was tainted with Zeal’s presence. Shards of memories were scattered everywhere, leaving no room for him to hide. Everything, even the things he once enjoyed, are now far too painful for him to do. Every waking moment was a struggle. Also, Zeal has his own things to do, his own life to live. Who was he to burden Zeal down with his separation anxiety and loneliness? Even if the delinquent didn’t mind, he would. He would even feel bad about it.
But if presented the chance to pause, rewind back to the day they’ve met in that alleyway, then play — he wouldn’t change it one bit. He would still treat Zeal’s wounds, he would still befriend Zeal, he would still fall in love with Zeal. He would replay the whole episode, over and over. Even if he already knows that the end was going to be bitter, he regrets nothing —
No. He regrets one thing.
“Only if I had gotten to know you sooner.”
Then they would’ve had more time to know, to love, to pull everything to a close and wrap it up nicely with a bow. He would have had time to deal with his emotions properly, perhaps they would’ve even had a better ending. Instead of this one where he sits with this cliff-fall abruptness and emptiness in his heart, while staring blankly at the ceiling.
He wondered what Zeal was doing right now. Was he thinking of him like he was, even if it was a million times less?
“I miss you already.”
At some point, the piano has faded away, leaving the soft notes of Zeal’s humming. Drowsiness encapsulates Kaelix, guiding him back into sleep once more. It was now one of the few things that weren’t painful for him to do. He dreamed about school again, or perhaps it was a memory.
He saw Zeal there in the halls of their high school. Just as they were about to brush shoulders per usual, Kaelix took the chance and grabbed the delinquents hand.
“Sorry, can I talk to you for a sec?”
The room was quiet, with exception of the music playing in the background. If Kaelix listened closely enough, or if he was willing to dissect the layers of the song, he could hear the hidden message Zeal buried under the layers.
Whether it be fortunate or unfortunate, Kaelix hasn’t realized quite yet.
Let us meet again
When my strive matches yours
On a day labeled "someday"
Let us meet once more
Where then a story I could tell
One written in the notes
When I can convey
The feelings in my chest I hold
But before then,
Arrivederci, until we meet once more
28Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfKcyXcdjDO
-? days since Zeal’s departure
ns216.73.216.82da2
