劉拓是隨著長大慢慢記得它的。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaTCN09LKlQ
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkscm385WEo
它像一張被夜色吞了一半的剪紙，立在走廊盡頭，8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHNvxZ1QjTt
沒頭沒臉，只剩一具模糊的人形。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIxNUqTTMoi
月光穿不透，光在它腳邊打轉，像在思考這究竟是不是「人」。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWhV2dxcHOg
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzWIM8GY8cR
他並不害怕。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW0GAO9RxMX
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiAb1UJnjHg
那時他小，不知道什麼是死，也不知道，這團陰影，從殯儀館冷氣滴水的牆角，一路跟著他的人生。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvCAcB7Y6pW
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxbpIYdNJZA
劉拓母親懷孕時，新婚的父親死於交通意外，綠燈過馬路，卻被轉彎公車輾過。輾就算了，公車還倒車再輾一次，生生把人輾斷了氣。司機完全沒有道歉，也沒有上香，被問到為什麼要倒車時，僅說我也不知道為什麼我要倒車。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5LUTDwNHAp
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmqyyQXd8Ku
入殮那天，她伏在棺木上痛哭，聲音像撕開的布：「你不是說過，要陪他長大嗎……」8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuWdQcAWPxw
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ575GtkuDj9
「你走了，我怎麼辦……我一個人……我怕我顧不住他啊……他如果跟你一樣出意外怎麼辦？」8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Ck54poejH
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGuzsqs4Rnd
當時風大得離奇，把葬禮的花籃都給吹倒了，像是對母親的哭聲作出回應。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡev25WBWtu8
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUHAz6x115Y
劉拓後來長大，才知道不是每個人都有個黑影陪著上學，8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt8oN4aHKaq
才知道——8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2E11gV4RrJ
那團影子不是幻覺。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlUfq9s6Xcx
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXdNp47O4Np
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaIz5jAWKNy
第一次思考「爸爸」這個詞的時候，劉拓是在幼兒園畫畫。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5PBOamBmUO
老師要求畫一家人。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7n0skXyI2i
他畫得很快，媽媽在中間，自己站她身邊，8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEtIQaoQwOY
另一側是一團模糊的黑影，有肩膀、有手腳，但臉像是被擦掉了。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFkHPEvbXn9
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD0NOxuUbsQ
老師對其他小朋友的畫都是笑瞇瞇的，8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC6VMwRrPHz
卻停下來研究劉拓那張畫很久，8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAPBQ9vnJnf
終於彎下腰問他：「小拓，這是……誰呀？」8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb0LXsACo9g
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwjDZP4WF8l
「爸爸啊。」8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3yArLl6HFC
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTjl7KIpjNN
老師愣了一下，轉頭看向角落聊天的媽媽，8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiGflDS1YWv
皺著眉，想問些什麼。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5HcIO4rJkP
劉拓卻已經收起蠟筆，把畫紙拿到前面放到交作品的桌上。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC47obhiEET
「劉拓媽媽，你們家小拓老是在畫黑影……孩子是不是受了什麼刺激？」8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrb36PJrZT0
母親沉默了好久，只說了一句：「他爸爸……走得早。」
老師沒再問。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡldK8IV2332
但那眼神，劉拓記了一輩子。
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTI6OwfWpFQ
他知道，從那天起，不能再說——8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaKA22hKo80
我爸爸在後面。
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBOyjvjdQ2o
因為如果再說，大家會把他送去看醫生。
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeC6oVDvhZZ
他不是不懂黑影奇怪，只是太習慣了。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdOcMpuTgeb
那影子總在放學的時候出現，8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ezCkPZvYM
隔著三步遠的距離，無聲陪著他回家。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOkfkw0CFgP
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC76dYv1KLE
牽不到手，也不會幫他提書包，8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzQeSitQ3HX
但始終在那兒，像空氣裡一種專屬他的壓力感。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK0BRAUqnlf
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFP8n6j2seM
別人看不見，他習以為常。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5U55qwNZV6
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbUymzwyErk
直到國中那年，他才真正意識到——8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwIb924OC1b
那不是正常的存在。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJCr4VmJPBO
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbm0djlugfs
那天，他騎腳踏車下山，剛從補習班趕回家，滿腦子都是明天的考試。坡道很陡，風呼嘯而過，他按了兩下煞車，發現完全沒反應。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAW0Gvw9O7Y
來不及了。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG6zkav2iFX
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxri7kHvINX
前方是轉不過去的急彎，牆壁邊緣是一塊水泥護墩，還有幾根施工中的歪扭鋼條，撞上去的話，身體與頭殼會像鳥蛋撞石頭一樣……劉拓閉眼，牙齒咬緊，手指死命掐住把手。等撞擊、等鮮血、等報紙的社會版。他覺得自己對不起媽媽，媽媽一直很怕他出意外，都叫他騎腳踏車要小心。他覺得他要害媽媽傷心了。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM8GP1lhP2N
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIdgszwncyJ
然後——8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV7XJvAkfn2
一股冰涼的力量猛地從左側拽他。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiNGrzM5IVh
他橫摔進一旁草叢，車子「砰」一聲炸在護墩上，車輪飛了出去，鋼條刺穿車身，像被解體的怪物。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1TPoOaL6vY
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT0UgZad0Tx
劉拓驚魂未定地爬起來。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdh39wLVWAx
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmX3h9p7eua
那一瞬間，他看見了。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWXbjNEgOXt
破車旁有個黑影跪在地上，8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8beocbPpgn
手臂不自然地扭曲，像是剛替他擋下那一擊。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5OKuhECQyt
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwfNYTXILsD
沒人發現那影子。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH20nFFkQCq
醫生只說他運氣太好了，沒事只是擦傷。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAlKzJfCx72
他低頭摸自己皺巴巴的衣領，8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN2KbrSxIXC
領口像是被人死命攫住、幾乎扯散的鬆著，8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoZriaNLmJa
怎樣摸也平不回去。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcQ6eZyUff2
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3eWbUC76UF
那不是第一次。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz26mcJbTal
也不是最後一次。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfQzMAUSoxp
他一直沒談這些事。
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDxsRGtttBJ
從國中起，他開始沉默，耳機掛著不摘，對誰都冷淡。
老師說他有距離感，同學說他像一座移動的圖書館。
只有他知道——
每天放學，那黑影都會站在他三步外。
不近不遠，不言不語。
像在履行一份無人知曉的契約。
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUnAySUbT34
有時他走得太快，影子會稍稍飄近；
有時他停下，影子就站定，像一根被釘死的墓碑。
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR3YEEPBpA1
高中時，他成了標準的優等生——8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ031oCRwMfv
黑髮過眉，眼神冷淡，功課穩定，話少到不需要朋友。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcv8UsaJ1HM
他不是不會笑，只是知道這世界的邏輯不容許他說真話。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1uz5N7QUqB
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc2NChmGtLE
他不能說「爸爸陪我上學」——老師會打電話回家。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4gBknw15EB
不能說「出意外時有人拉我」——同學會叫他神經病。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUrbiv0yVnZ
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTnYnMbLioF
他再也不敢在畫畫時，畫出那團黑影。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8yTQLfOuOC
再也沒人能說——他從小一直都不是一個人。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc17lzvGX5j
說了母親會難受。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlWYXOVpva7
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO0lP3Z4aRN
那年暑假，有颱風。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBTHiNkEY6L
劉拓不想浪費學習時間，半夜繼續認真聽英文雜誌，風聲像遠處有人哀嚎。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3rFkK4j6xC
窗戶沒關好，震的厲害，咖啦咖啦的作響，8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡushxXnDApC
冷風一陣陣灌進來，他站起來準備關窗。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvt0qR5WYJu
拉了一下，沒能拉上。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuCO3LCrzX3
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGd0fgskunN
剛探出上半身想查窗外是不是卡到什麼——8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQQ62iIcQe0
頸後一隻涼手，用斷腕般的力道，8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDk07xMVoM3
將他整個人狠狠拽進房裡，劉拓撞在地板上，書跟文具都撒了。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeyUqPnxH5n
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQCbmgeKtIr
下一秒，冷氣室外機從十七樓直墜而下，8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtFo9hObbno
砸在劉拓家的三樓窗檻，碎鐵四濺，玻璃飛散。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeLK3Lr7PSG
那聲音巨大到像是世界裂了一角。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdWt4F1AsMA
他癱坐地上，看向書桌對面的鏡子。
那黑影，就站在他身後。
肩膀微顫，頭歪著，像是斷了脖子，正凝視他。
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWAMynjn9PX
他哭了。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOh3U9bQjoF
不是因為怕。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUjEJAjaGFc
是因為難過。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4UMIPRg0M2
不是自己的痛，而是它的。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUKm2EpJEMf
他知道，每次自己活下來，那影子就虛弱一分，8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdELukrfdOW
執著的推開一場又一場葬禮，直到魂薄如煙。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK8VwK1No8F
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡurg4e2otLV
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLqdXxaPCRo
他真正認定那是父親，是九歲那年。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFWnrm2lnGW
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkFw113kwAk
那晚媽媽加班，劉拓調皮，8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkbXNjEycCM
趁機翻開了她的梳妝台抽屜，8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgt14LNm82W
發現裡面藏著一張光碟，標籤模糊。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmCTvzRsYxI
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvZBkctr1SX
他好奇地塞進放映機。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ67c2YJEYLp
畫質很差，閃爍的雪花覆蓋住記憶。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMN2xtqeIxW
但他看到——8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdRhbMjgXwf
父親穿著白西裝，英俊挺拔，站在禮堂中央。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV0mwKMAQ9o
母親挺著孕肚，臉上有種從未在他記憶裡出現過的嬌柔。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡakcszJE3I4
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvQRtdjQVwq
司儀說：「你是否願意一生守護她，無論順境逆境……」8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiRdAlQJknp
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvpoW3hpxde
父親低頭，看向母親的腹部。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjFza1cusT2
像能穿透時間與血肉，望見他——那時尚未成形的他。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDiE9Vlo3O6
然後，他說的不是誓詞的最後一句。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeTDfzLziHz
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6fmacqTCVU
而是：「我會盡一切力量，守護他長大。」8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2e6bGvX9q5
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyb3B02EKpB
畫面就在那裡斷了。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdNjvumVfQc
像是某種力量，不想讓太多人聽見這句話。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKz6CaKTUER
劉拓摸著變黑的螢幕。
那一刻他好像懂了——
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWstXGtFSxD
那影子不是鬼，是諾言的殘骸，是死後仍不願離開的愛。
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTIOqMTOTmy
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9VSkF16INx
等劉拓明白「守護他長大」那句話，8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL8iDxaoKGA
是考上大學，去學校住宿的那年。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoyL8TEQT1m
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXUARPQJAxb
成年後，影子開始變淡了。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtPJe4cUbrt
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJPo6NLQTk2
他以為自己看錯了，但接連好幾天，8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsPnn0BBAAT
影子在日光下只剩下一抹氣息，像沉在水底的一縷炊煙。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf26KH6qpYy
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0pqTpcffoW
某天深夜，他起身去飲水機裝水，8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTkZ6vXcJ1E
經過交誼廳的鏡子時，忽然停住腳步。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUCfj6CWdsy
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI6fhxFEO83
熟悉的、淡淡壓迫感的氣場，消失了。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpoUiOLHIGk
不再有誰跟在後方、不再有誰在黑夜為他站崗。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi7d812a9Zm
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtjVts4i7k7
鏡中的自己，獨自一人。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS456GImFfI
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJClROkAx4C
影子不見了。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ2Cyi8YDlF
他在鏡前站了很久，久到眼眶泛紅，一句話都說不出來。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMzBdKqcqQQ
那一晚，他做了個夢。
夢裡他還是小孩，跌坐在夜色裡。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcxxcA4Ka10
影子站在他身後，一如往常，沒說話。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW6Du1ywAOm
只是伸出手，慢慢、緩緩地摸他的頭髮。
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZqb5pVQRo4
劉拓沒有回頭，只輕聲說了句：「你走吧。我會活得很好。」
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVbDHoMcMV7
那一刻他知道——父親放心了。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy3S2ZfuCqB
不需要日日夜夜，替孩子把命守著。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeGYr5y8iya
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpPysfh1nMI
他活得夠大了，夠堅強了。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG4Jiy9lQCg
能自己走完餘生了。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXAE8IOIy8K
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoS1Lmv57UU
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAvIGkGwimS
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp40aMo3psT
後來很多年，劉拓成了一名父親。8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡemIS1hRaZ7
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh3Ne1nPNO2
女兒曾問他：「爸爸，你怎麼總不怕黑？」8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXixTjouelc
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG97A46rGnu
他想了想，抱著膝蓋上的小寶貝回答：「因為我從小就知道——」8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFPH2cj525q
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEdQlgRlqmK
「黑裡，還藏著光。」8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ66UjawcMEE
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXbrxRmfJx0
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7P4pzMitMo
（完）8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZBhdpndWT
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEs6FDFvnOF
8Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpuaYq9rbzb
冷氣墜17樓取自台灣新聞。被從天而降的冷氣砸中。二度輾壓也取自新聞。
