Pushing aside one of the glass doors, I watched as Julie stepped out of the elevator and immediately landed her gaze on me. She smiled at me, a dimple presenting itself in her left cheek. Her hickory-colored hair was pulled into a messy bun and her reading glasses propped atop her head. I gave Julie a half-hearted smile to return the courtesy.
“Hey KD, ready for our session?” Her smile got brighter.
“Yea.” I dug my hands into the pockets of my jacket.
“Would you like some coffee? It sounded like you had a long night.” She offered her hand towards the lobby.
“I can’t remember much of last night, but no thanks.”
“Alright, well I started getting your favorite tea. So you’re more than welcome to get it if you’d like.”
My heart flipped. My favorite tea? Nick would always get me my favorite tea.
I looked over at the Keurig sitting on top of a sierra white granite countertop with a picture of a smiling beagle looking over the addiction corner. Beside the Keurig was a small three-tiered storage container of K-cups placed nicely and easily accessible.
I looked through the different options; coffee, apple cider, and tea. Then it caught my eye: lemon eucalyptus. That wasn’t my favorite, was it? no? Then it clicked - it was my favorite. But Nick could never remember and he would always get me lemon-milk boba tea. I never had the heart to tell him, so I developed a liking for it. A small smile spread across my lips. I can’t believe she remembered that.
“Julie - I…”
“Don’t worry about it. Take your time, my office is always open to you whenever you’re ready.”
I quickly made a cup of tea, watching the white cup fill with hot water. I looked up, avoiding the eye line of the creepy dog, and made eye contact with the receptionist, Karly. We both smiled as our eyes met. Watching her look back down at her computer, a small yellow glow began to vibrate off of her. I stared for a moment longer, trying to grasp what I was seeing when she shifted uncomfortably in her seat making it obvious I was the cause of the discomfort. A strand of her blonde hair fell over her left shoulder and broke me out of hyper fixation.
"Good morning, Karly," I said as I grabbed my cup, staring at my rippling reflection.
"Good morning, Miss Lufter." I hesitated a moment hearing my father's last name. I was going to follow with 'please call me KD' but what was the point. I dropped my gaze to my feet and followed Julie up the stairs keeping my eyes to the floor.
Hearing someone clear their throat, I looked up to catch Julie’s imperial blue eyes looking back at me.
“What’s on your mind KD?”
“Mm,” I said as we passed another person on the stairs, who was obviously irritated that they had to wait for us. I avoided eye contact while taking a tiny sip of very hot tea.
“Come on in here hun, let’s talk.”
Julie pushed aside the orange door, holding it open for me so I wouldn't have to remove my fingers from the soothingly warm mug. I kicked off my shoes, allowing my toes to carress the plush carpet. I scanned the office, reminising in the calming feeling it provdided.
Julies' desk in the right corner and a whiteboard just above the desk. A mobile TV, that looked like it belonged in the stone age, sat on a cart against the wall opposite her desk. I plopped down onto the mustard yellow sofa that was placed under the window, the brown curtains falling behind the couch. I finally allowed myself to relax into the plush cushions as I played with the soft fabric. My mind was finally coming to a slow down.
“How would you like this session to go?” I shrugged. “Well, I’m going to let you start.” She pushed a string of hair aside and pulled her glasses from her head and placed them on her nose while plopping down into her chair.
“...Mom kicked out Dad." I blurted. It was like I couldn't control what I said around this woman. "I guess that's a place to start.” The words slipped through my teeth, my cheeks flushed with immediate regret.
“Oh? Well, let’s definitely start there. Do you know why?” She crossed one leg over the other and leaned in, expressing her interest in what I was saying.
“No. I don’t. I tried to ask, asked them to explain to me what was going on. I got nothing except what I overheard. I heard Dad say ‘I know she’s not mine but she's my life's work.’” I squeezed my hand into a tight fist. I looked up catching Julie’s brows pinched together trying to hide her surprise with concern.
“I hope you know that keeping you out of the loop could be for your very own safety, or so that you don’t look at one parent like one is better than the other.” I placed my cup on the table in front of me and crossed my arms.
“They’ve both been pretty shitty lately” I mumbled.
“Maybe your parents had their final argument and they didn’t want to drag you into it as they have before? ”
I sighed. I know she was telling me these things to make me feel better, but it really wasn’t helping. I just felt angrier and angrier, more and more hurt because every time they told me it was nothing, it was another lie. My life was a whole-ass coverup.
“Kaidance, would you like a hug?” I looked up, a gloss washing over my eyes as the anger and hurt began to shift into something rawer. Without hesitation, she quickly made her way over to me, standing me up and wrapping me in a tight hug. A warmth, watery and comforting, cloaked my body and spread through my veins; oblterating any and all emotional distress, melting away all the anger and hurt. I slowly breathed out, meeting a moment of peace.
Julie slowly pulled away and smiled at me. Her skin seemed to radiate, a hint of rose simmered off her beige tint. Her dark blue eyes were much lighter, gazing back at me with a sense of compassion and empathy.
“Feel better?” She asked, rubbing her hand up and down my arm.
I nodded letting tears slip down my cheeks as I finally felt okay. I wanted to feel like this forever.
“Last night, I was grabbing a snack and I had that feeling again. But…it was worse." I paused trying to account for the things that were difficult to recall. "I don’t even know how long it lasted but this time, something spoke to me.” I findled with my fingers.
Julie found her seat again, leaning back and taking in every word I said. Actually listening to me.
“I got downstairs, grabbed water and some cheese with crackers. As I passed the dining room window, I caught the feeling. The icy cold, the hair standing on end, but my ears rang this time. Almost painfully loud, like I was going to faint.” I recollected, thinking enough to cause a minor headache.
“My body froze and my muscles tightened. A feeling of absolute terror forced me to look out the window and under the street lamp accross the street there stood stalker boy.” That was the name Julie and I came up with for him. “But I could see everything he was wearing, how he was looking at me, even how he was standing. And then ...I heard this voice. It had said my name, told me I was in danger, and everything went black after that.”
Julie tapped her finger to her chin, while I took a large sip of my tea. The warmth of the cup soaked into my fingers, replenishing that soothing feeling once again. I couldn’t explain the tingling this gave me, tasting this amazing tea that I haven’t had in so long. Looking into my cup, a heavyweight landed in the pit of my stomach.
‘KD…what’s wrong…?” Julies’ eyes widened, while she scanned me.
“I don’t know, I have this…feeling.”
“Tell me about it.” Julie grabbed up her writing pad.
I started to describe the feeling. A feeling that something was very wrong and I couldn't do anything but watch. Like a car accident, you want to avert your eyes. But you just can't seem to peel your eyes away from the horror.
"I don't know why I get these feelings, or what they mean but it's like an awful sense of dread. Like I need to leave or escape as fast as possible. And usually you-know-who shows up relatively soon after." I scratched the back of my head as the pain began to blossom, stretching across my forehead. I watched as a look of panic fell over Julies' face. My anxiety skyrocketed in that moment, knowing that my safe space was showing fear and concern began to turn my world back on the axis we started from. Julie grabbed my hand and clutched my eyes with hers.
“I’m going to give you some homework. I want you to go home and do some research, maybe even try to figure out what this strong sense is from or why you're having it. And the next time, we can talk about it. Sound good?” Her words sounded so smooth and rythmic. Like a song you could play on repeat.
“I actually like the sound of that.” I smiled softly.
“Good. I’ll see you Wednesday, our normal time. Unless I get another call that is.”
We snickered. Chatting quietly as Julie and I moseyed to the lobby. Passing the receptionists desk, Karly was gone. The heavy feeling sunk deeper into my stomach, almost forcing me to retch. We made our way out the front door as I ignored the idea something maybe wrong. Finding no one was here for me, Julie and I shook our heads in sync as we shared an emnse feeling of disappointment. Of course we weren't surprised to find no one was here to pick me up.
I called dad. It rang. And rang. And rang.
"Hey sweetie, is everything okay?" His voice sounded irritated and rushed.
"Um yeah, Mom isn't here to pick me up," I said blankly staring into an almost empty lot.
"I'll call her."
"Wait no-" The line went dead. What the fuck Dad.
I turned to Julie with a look of hurt and betrayal and Julie leaned in for another hug.
After another warm embrace, Julie pulled back and patted my hand with a smile.
"Shoot me a text or give me a call when you make it home." Julie knew I planned to walk, don't know how she knew or how I knew she knew but we both gave each other a soft smile and parted ways.
The thirty-five-minute walk was relaxing. I was still as angry as ever that she didn’t pick me up, whether she forgot about me or chose something better to do, I kept thinking of what I was going to say to her.
What the fuck, Mom. Dad would never forget me.
No he wouldn't, but he also wouldn't care enough now to pick me up. I blinked away tears that were forming as I continued to overthink about Dad leaving.
Finally, making it back to the house I found no cars, locked doors, and a painfully quiet house. I rolled my eyes, she obviously chose something better to do than pick me up. I ran around the back just as dark gray clouds rolled over the sun and large heavy droplets began to fall.
I pulled the key from inside the pot that sat to the left of the back door. I unlocked the door and dove into the warmth, slamming the door behind me. I walked down the hall and passed Dad’s office, the door slightly ajar. I halted. Dad's office was always locked. Looking in through the crack there it was, Dad's office. I have never been allowed in there. My anxiety shoved my heart into my throat, forcing me to monitor my breathing. Pushing aside the door, I stepped inside to see all the boxes. I traced the boxes back to a tall filing cabinet. Dropping my coat and purse on the floor, I walked over to the cabinet and tried pulling a drawer open with no luck. I turned around, eyeing Dad’s desk. I knew what I was doing wasn't okay, but if my parents were going to send me to a therapist, monitor my sleeping patterns, avoid telling me the truth, and force-feed me vegetables to make me 'healthier' then I felt I had a right to know something. Opening each drawer and rifling through it until I found a little gold key, I turned back to the cabinet.
My chest grew tight, the urge to vomit returning. As I pushed the key into the lock at the top of the cabinet and pulled open the top drawer, I thought for a moment. Obviously, Dad did something to break Mom's trust. Why should I trust him? The top drawer was already empty. So I pulled open the second. There sat file after file, all colored differently with abbreviations for titles. The first file was bright Orange, labeled SH. Pulling the file from its' home, I opened the file and began reading.
Samuel Harlow.
Age - 19 Arrival - 12 Visual - 17 Physical - 16
Weekly dosage - Daily check-up
There were some notes at the bottom of the page that didn’t make sense, all abbreviations, and a mix of huge words that I don’t think I could pronounce. I grabbed the next noticeable file, a dark orange labeled CM. I opened the file and three pages spilled out.
Diagnostics, Testings, and History
Cassion Morrison
Age - 18 Arrival - 11 Visual - 15 Physical - 16
Weekly dosage - Daily check-up
And more notes. I scooped up the papers and prepared to go through each sheet when I heard a car door slam outside the front door. My heart dropped into the pit of my stomach.
Scrambling to put the files away, I heard the keys sliding into the lock outside. I threw the key into the desk drawer without locking the cabinet, slammed it shut, and ran out of the room adjusting the door as I had found it before.
Mom shoved the door aside and dropped a couple of bags on accident as she stumbled inside, bottles of juice falling out of the bags. I stood there and watched. Mom groaned. Once she caught sight of me she sucked in a breath.
“Kaidance!" Mom dropped the rest of her things to rush over to me and squeeze me. "I went to the store and was running a little late because of traffic but when I showed up you weren't there. I waited for you, I called your cell phone!” I looked back at my purse remebering I put my phone on silent after Dad hung up on me.
A ping of guilt hit my gut and I shyly looked up at my mother. "I thought someone took you." She held my head close to her chest, her heart pounding against her ribs, hard. She took a deep breath and quickly stepped back when she realized how close we were.
“Did you wanna talk about your session with Julie? I heard you made a breakthrough.” I rolled my eyes and sighed. No, not really.
I shrugged.
"I think there are a couple more bags in the car, would you check?" To avoid anymore confrontation I ran outside to check the car for extra groceries and came back in with a couple bags and dropped them in the kitchen.
“Actually, I could use a little space.” I finally said. Mom turned around with a sorrowful look, trying to hold a soft smile.
“Of course hun. I…I just want you to know…I am always here for you.” I gave Mom a fake smile and she held her arms open. Shocked, I waited to see if she would pull away but she patiently waited to see if I wanted to hug her. Julie must have said something. I took a step closer and lightly wrapped my arms around her as she did the same.
“I love you, sweetheart.”
“Love you, too.” I hesitantly responded.
Retreating up the stairs, all I wanted to do was hide. My anxiety spike almost put me in a panic attack and Mom running at me as soon as she came in the door didn't help.
I took a long deep breath and climbed into bed. When was Mom ever there for me? Dad was the one always there for me. And now he's gone. He left me.
I'm going to go back to the office, I promised myself. My questions aren't answered and my curiosity was still hungry.
Secrets will no longer exsit in my life or so help me...
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