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You are the knife I turn inside myself

18.03.2023.                                                                                                              18:33

𝒶 𝓁𝑒𝓉𝓉𝑒𝓇 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓎𝑜𝓊

I mourned all my loves between the pages of this book. In it, all of them will live forever with my wounded soul between the pages of a softcover book. Here, my soul is exposed as it used to be in front of them. And let lines, commas and periods judge them, don't hate them because without them I would never exude poetry. You who dare to read these poems,  I beg you, do not willingly accept my wounds and take them upon you. The pain they bequeathed to me keeps my head up every day.  𝐻𝑒𝓁𝑒𝓃𝒶

Here you will be able to read quotes and poems from my book of poetry and prose , which finally saw the light of day last year and is currently on the shelves of bookstores as well as in the home libraries of my readers in the Balkans.. I am currently translating the book into English, which means that it will be available in English soon. I hope you enjoy it. I am looking forward to your comments and impressions.

Franz Kafka'You are the knife I turn inside myself; that is love. That, my dear, is love.'


you were not aware of how much your presence hurt me even though you were never there.

how the corrosive rain of my pupils ravaged my skin at your every silence in response to all my desperate calls to you.

how much all my waiting for you hurt me, even though I knew you would never come.

wherever my foot stepped, there was a trace of yours.

and you made sure that it remained there forever as a witness that you were alive,

to vouch as the only valid proof that you live through me.

you followed me consecutively,

and you tirelessly left pieces of yourself behind my bare feet that were looking for you.

which you cut into wholes and wholes into halves.

you were my most present absence.

still, with sworn silence, like a bullet you kill my voice while calling you.

when my silences take away your voice,

you will respond when you no longer have whose voice to hear in return.

my sobs fell silent, swallowed by your loud silence.

and again for the umpteenth time, I took you along as a stowaway.

and now I certainly know,

wherever I go,

at my final destination you will be waiting for me.


Cerebral ventricles capitulate to fatigue.

At night I am judged by executioners from the shadows who stalk me.

At dawn demons hold my head upright.

Our symbiosis is deadly,

and I can't kill them in myself,

That would truly be suicide.

n i g h t   t i m e

The night surrendered to me,

corrosive eyelid rains destroy the skin,

the names of the victims are written on my body

the victims of my internal wars,

I am a woman of principle,

but you should be afraid of them,

Because you only served me pain

and salve with it,

so that your conscience doesn't burn you tomorrow,

but every diagnosis which you bequeathed to me,

burns every spot on my body,

Do you have a salve for that too?


The voices of the underworld are calling my name,

The letters echo in the order in which they were born,

Words of prayer infused with your name slide down my lips,

They crawled into me and created an internal disasters,

I can't contain my storms,

I'm begging the winds to carry you south.


You told me empty stories,

Tamed me with a few words and I submited to them,

I kept blank pages for you,

Empty stories and an empty soul,

You filled the pages of my life with words full of pain,

The paper is soaked with tears,

My tears,

It's not worth five bucks,

Let alone one life,

My life,

And you are empty and fleeting,

Taming me and making me the victim of your existence,

my stationed self in your fleeting arms,

I'm just nothingness in the stacked lies of your emptiness,

Short-term absence and long-term presence among the emptiness of tamed words,

Empty stories of sad emotions,

You buried mewith your declarations of love.


if by coincidence

you happen to meet me somewhere

only just if you believe in coincidences

meet my eyes, stealthily

like the first time

when our eyes kissed

and turned world into dark blue

look at mine, for just a second longer than the last time

extend my memory of them

and how brown and blue colored the world

be a painter just one more time

let my pupils see the world in dark blue again

your blue and my brown eyes, the world is our canvas.


in autunm i bloomed

by your side

when everything around me withered

i fell in love with you in October

when everything dies in autunm's arms

but i was resurrected by yours.


we may not have had

a happy ending

but we had a story to tell

and i will always return

to the chapter you are in

you may have been the wrong chapter in the book of my life

but you will always be my favorite.

/game of scissors/

I lie naked in your arms

How much does uncovered skin cost?

How much is what is hidden in it sold for

What is the price?

What consequences does this act cause?

You pay dearly for your actions

With a cheap soul

You live this life in debt

You made incisions in my bosom

My skin is bleeding from your cuts

You take a needle and thread

and you patch me up like a doll

Because that's all I really am

A patched doll

You open wounds as needed and patch them up

I lie helpless in your arms

You pull the strings and I play as you wish

A tangled knot tightens my neck,

game of scissors,

The threads stay behind me and I don't drag them with me

The cross section.


And I just hope,

when my soulmate comes across me,

that there is anything left of this soul of mine.


How many times have you killed me and revived me,

Immortality became my mortal sin,

This is my confession,

if there is anything left to forgive,

I believe in forgiveness.


I only get hidden glances from you

but they are also a part of you

And how can I then convince myself that I don't have you at all.

/van gogh/

In desperation, Van Gogh ate yellow paint to find happiness,

he painted the walls of his internal organs yellow,

even though with that act

he poisoned himself ,

in desperation he risked,

desperately wanting to be happy,

same as me,

I digested your lies for a long time,

desperate for them to dissolve into truth,

until I got stomach poisoning

my organs turned black.


Italy and the Adriatic Sea

are grateful for my tears

on increasing salinity

when I was suffocating in the sea of my own tears.

in the seas you will see my reflection.

/new page/

and every time I turn a new page in the book of my life

i would write your name on it first

you turned my every dot into a comma.,


And all the demons I took with me after I crossed the threshold

kept my head straight

And they never let me look back.


I am shamelessly buying your lies

Like they are on sale

/hunger strike/

And as long as you feed your ego with those who are just passing by

Your soul will remain hungry for the stationed me.

You are on hunger strike but you are full.

/Helen of Troy/

Your beauty is worth  of all my inner wars,

It justifies my every bloody battle,

Just as Helen's beauty long ago justified all the Trojan suffering.


You are my secret desire

that I fear will come true

the moment I no longer desire you.


There are too many tears in this cup,

Sweet wine and salty sin,

You leave a bitter taste on my lips,

The taste of failure,

Wrong lips,

So like a seal on my body,

You leave the date of my judgment,

You accuse me of sin and crime,

You will be the death to me.

/sea of pain/

His eyes were blue like the wild waves of a rough sea that made me want to tame them. There is no doubt that they sensed trouble.

Maybe that was my warning, that a storm was coming, and that these waves would turn into something bigger.


Who will take me with him.

I am just a ship fighting against the current of the waves in his eyes, which kept pulling me back into the past.

You lifted the anchor and made me sail with you into the sea of pain.


𝔄𝔲𝔱𝔥𝔬𝔯: 𝔄 𝔰𝔪𝔞𝔩𝔩 𝔯𝔞𝔫𝔱. 𝔐𝔶 𝔞𝔭𝔬𝔩𝔬𝔤𝔦𝔢𝔰 𝔦𝔣 𝔱𝔥𝔦𝔰 𝔱𝔯𝔦𝔤𝔤𝔢𝔯𝔰 𝔞𝔫𝔶𝔬𝔫𝔢. 𝔇𝔬𝔫'𝔱 𝔯𝔢𝔞𝔡 𝔦𝔣 𝔶𝔬𝔲 𝔞𝔯𝔢 𝔱𝔯𝔦𝔤𝔤𝔢𝔯𝔢𝔡 𝔟𝔶 𝔞𝔫𝔶 𝔬𝔣 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔱𝔬𝔭𝔦𝔠𝔰 𝔟𝔢𝔩𝔬𝔴:ℜ𝔞𝔭𝔢, 𝔖𝔄, 𝔥𝔞𝔯𝔞𝔰𝔰𝔪𝔢𝔫𝔱, 𝔎𝔦𝔡𝔫𝔞𝔭𝔭𝔦𝔫𝔤, 𝔰𝔢𝔩𝔣 𝔥𝔞𝔯𝔪.-----------------------------------------Why does it seem like I'm not good enough for Anybody?Since I was in high school, my whole demeanor changed completely. I became more to myself, more stressed. I feel like I am becoming Depressed.I hate myself so much...I want to die...I don't want to be here anymore...I can't love myself...I can't live with myself...I can't do this anymore...I found someone to love and yet I feel so bad... I can't do this with my life. I lost so many friends to suicide, harassment, and other stuff...Some of my friends were hurt by rapers and shit... I can't live with that...I want to dieI want to dieI want to dieI want to dieI want to dieI want to dieI want to dieI want to dieI want to die​​​​​​​I want to dieI want to dieI want to dieI want to dieI want to die​​​​​​​I want to dieI want to dieI want to dieI want to dieI want to die​​​​​​​I want to dieI want to dieI want to dieI want to dieI want to die​​​​​​​I want to dieI want to dieI want to dieI want to dieI want to die​​​​​​​I want to die​​​​​​​

Not Feeling any Better

I am not an extrovert and not an introvert either, how weird is that there is no such word for us middle people. I make friends openly in some places and sometimes I am not that open towards people they approach me on there own if they want.

I don't have many friends only 3 4 to whom I only talk to one of them normally and a study partner I am having for 2 months we do fun stuff every day for 15 after our study she's quiet nice tbh and I think she likes me too cause she tend to share with me about her friends and a lot and tbh I like that she tells me about stuff and I want to be a long time friends with her plssssssssssssssssssss even after we complete our 2 months study and she stops coming to my place, why I wanna stay friends cause we can share our ourselves with each other quite nicely.

I'm not feeling any better because of the certain someone who made me addict with himself and I being half innocent in the situation got trapped. I knew I had to leave him for his own good cause I by heart did not wanted to play with his feelings so I stopped my contacts with him, even though he throwed huge tantrums but I knew what was best for him and I at that time.

Guess what I did not knew that I got attached to him as well it's been five months and I still feel somethings missing from my life I can't even distract my self with other people cause I don't have that kind of people to take his place in my life and complete that part of me tbh he made me feel so many new emotions that I could not even had imaged in my life existed at that time. With him I had so much to do that I even blamed him that you get me involve with you this much that I am not able to do so many things I want to do I even managed to get myself easily come to my normal self, but not long after why I am trapped in a situation like this!!.

Know what I need more things to distract me cause other than that I am really okay with everything.

I can't tell him this now but I love you for every thing we had, the feelings and emotions you gave me and not even knowing  I love you for that , I love you for being able to mange me when I was an asshole tbh you managed me like an pro, I love for making me feel special so many  times that I can't even count, I love for every single effort you made to make me stay but failed miserably cause were not able to control your emotions! or did you even tried???......and I love you for being so good to me even when you were not in mood and I irritated the shit out of you every time, I Fucking love for everything and I don't and well never blame you for anything cause I know feelings like these can't be controlled.

My lover boy I can't feel any better now a days because of you my love I hope you are recovering well from me or maybe you have moved on I won't lie I need you to be moved on but I want to make a as and we with you which I can't so bloody hell I have move on from you too and you don't even know about these feelings of mine and I want to cry at the fact but it's best if don't  know about that. So I well always be your well wisher, I hope you become a very strong and successful man in your life and well find the most perfect partner, who well spoil you with her love and you will have  beautiful happily ever after with her.

Lots of love from your snowman.


My Loverboy [ my choza]