So far no one cares, so these are just pointless blogs.

Anyway, I started a new Murder Mystery book, and when I finish my first draft I'll upload a few of the first chapters here. I want to give some info so if someone bothers to respond I'll give some info in my next blog.

Thanks for reading my random rants,

Ainslie

QOD: If you could choose one song to represent you what would you choose?

I would do She Likes a Boyor What a Shame

I figured I might as well chuck in stupid stories in here for funsies

SO

here's something that just made me want to crawl into a hole and die that happened two weeks ago.

Let's set the scene, I'm in my business management class and I've got Discord running in the bg, nth insane. I was also on Do Not Disturb. Keep that in mind. My group goes hey we'll use ur laptop I'm lay hey that's cool whatever. I GO UP THERE AND START THE PRESENTATION AND "bling" DISCORD NOTIF. LIKE BABES. MY VOLUME IS OFF, ITS ON DO NOT DISTURB. WTF MAN. Also, every server besides Penana is set to like only mentions. ANYWAYS. while I'm doing this presentation the notif goes off and i turn off my volume my laptop is muted. we turn off all the sound BUT STILL ENTIRE FUCKING PRESENTATION

DISCORD NPOTIFS.

A part of me died that day...part of my dignity.

What makes it better is no one sent any messages too me during that time AND penana discord hadn't gone off like...wtf an

My head feels foggy, and my body aches as my eyes flicker open to the bright lighting of the room. I half expect to hear beeping or bustle coming from outside the room, but alas, nothing but silence meets my ears. Pausing for a moment as I look around, I can't help but wonder where I am. I try to remember, but I'm met with a pounding ache in my head. I'm in no hospital room; it appears like a normal bedroom. Among the walls are pictures littered with memories of people I don't know; a desk sits centered with the bed I lay upon; it too has memories; and a laptop sits idle. I half attempt to get out of bed, taking note of the bed set that matches everything from the sheets to the pillows. Eventually, I stumble my way around the messy house filled with strangers memories and find the bathroom. I splash cold water on my face again and again until I sink to the floor and cry. The memories come flooding back—the screaming, the fighting, the breakup, and then the drinking. This is no strangers house; it was mine and theirs. A love once rooted so deep has now left me with an empty chest. As I let out a scream one thought bounced inside my pounding head.

I wish the hangover amnesia had lasted just a bit longer.

--Written for a contest--

ive been so absolutely stressed lately, all my assignemtns are wack, its the 2 weeks off from school and ive still been bombarded with work. a whole business report that was due last sunday i spent half my fucking rest from school stressing over, my art homework i havent even looked at, my english extension 1 fucking thousand word short story which im almost certain i goofed up beyond belief, 2 whole novellas for english advanced, remember, i was given TWO WEEKS. TWO WEEKS. business studies only gave me ONE. im STRAPPED for time. as well as hanging out with my boyfriend, hanging out with my family, my birthday, my sisters birthday, i signed up for the gym as well close to my house because i kept having the worst fucking breakdowns to mum about my mental health and shit id get from my sister for totally nothing. i couldnt take it anymore. oh and to replace E, we're friends with K now. from the easter show, idk if i mentioned him or not, its not like anyone is actually paying attention to whatever im yapping about.

last friday i was hanging out with B and we bought condoms in town and we wnet back to hijs place to try them out. they were cappuccino "flavoured" but actaully it just tasted like nothing but holy crap could you smell it. he tried putting it in and we couldnt work out what we were doing wrong (we're both virgins btw, never come this far). i postioned him to yknow like my entrance and all he had to do was breach it n boom both our first times but it hurt like a BITCH like holy fuck OUCH i couldnt do it, i cried and cried it hurt so bad. thats all im gonna say bc im still just a kid (happy 16th birthday me btw) n exposing so much like this on the internet it weird, im only doing it bc im anonymous.

we were supposed to hang out on the following sunday but couldnt bc his dad said his mum said she just wanted time to herself n obviously i was heartbroken bc i spent ages convincing my parents to visit again on such short notice but fine, if she needed a rest day then so be it, i couldnt be mad. until it come out that she didnt say that, his dad was straight up fucking lying. so whats the issue??? what did i do??? i barely even see that dude and whenever i do its always been positive. so what, he just doesnt want me in his house??? own up to it then, dont blame it on your wife dawg geez louise.

so obviously B was pissed and we scheduled another hang out on tuesday (yesterday) so that everyone would have plenty of notice and cant cancel or fuck anything up. keep in mind B works like forever, 5 day weeks, always like 8~9 hours (i reckon thats illegal for someone of his age but wtv.). i ask him times bc its always usually 12-5 but this time it was 3.30 (the time his mum gets off work) til 8.30, i was staying for dinner. some reason his dads got this weirdo creep paranoia that if his little wife isnt in the house when i am, im gonna accuse him of RAPING ME???? has that happened before, Joe??? are you projecting??? Joe?? i dont even see him when i am over, hes always in his room and im NEVER away from B??? god knows what his issue is but thats why i couldnt be over til his mum came home. anyways, i baked cookies for B's family as a thank you for housing me all the time and always an 'i love you' bc B always does stuff for me n i hardly return the favour (he doesnt let me). its almost close to 3pm and i ask B when his mum gets off bc he said "like 3.30~4 usually" earlier, i was checking if there was a definitive time now. he messaged back sayinh he hates his parents and they can suck ass bc AGAIN the plans were RUINED. she agreed to work until SIX and she didnt want me over bc then she'd have to take me home again (my mum can pick me up?? that was never out of the picture??) so i was absolutely distressed at this because AGAIN?? i was SO EXCITED we were hanging out, i was losing my mind. i cried like a baby. it was embarrassing.

its wednesday now, B, with his totally full schedule of work and work and work and sleep decided to go out with his little boyfriends out bowling! then go to work then go for a little boyfriend homoerotic sleepover! frankly i was pissed. i was so jealous that his little friends got to see him and i didnt. it wasnt fair. the only reason i was ever leaving thw house was for B and i couldnt bc B has so much work all the time. and here he is, with spare time, spending it with other people. not even spending 5 minutes with me. not even messaging me. yeah sure maybe one or two messages but thats not good enough. and now i cant call him because hes gonna get bummed by his friends (my ex boyfriend will be there too! its his house! the one that bullied me after he dumped me! and got his other friend to get in on it to! both will be there, how amazing!)

i've been treating B like absolute dogshit and i cant tell if its my whacked out hormones, the stress of school work, lack of sleep or what. i get mad at him, i dry text him, i go mute and he has to put up with it. i addressed it last night and he said "yeah i noticed, i just let it slide, im being patient w you ik youre stressed" like thank you baby but WHAT you noticed?? and said nothing?? you let it slide??!! :( felt awful, i apologised a million times over but i still feel awful. somethings wrong with me.

he was at tenpin today and my sister (his ex, idk if i mentioned it but i lost readers due to lack of interest so idc anymore) decided to go to for her best friend to see her boyfriend (who lives in sydney now, hes down for the week) and i was STRESSING. i dont know why, B loves me so dearly but i keep thinking back to everythng my sister used to cry at me when i was just dating him and i freak out. theres a pit in my stomach just remembering it all.

it got particularly bad when he got home from bowling and said he was having a sleepover. i cried and cried, i was sobbing and got into an arguementn with my mother bc i wasnt contributing anything. its my sisters birthday so she wanted me showered and dressed to go for dinner but i felt so shit i didnt wanna go, i kept crying, snotting n wailing. i couldnt walk 5 steps without sobbing a little. i took a panadol for my headache and all i could think of were the intrusive (not impulsive!) thoughts telling me to overdose, telling me i dont deserve anyone around me, im such an asshole that they'd all genuinely be better off without all my drama and negativity. it was hard swallowing the panadol, i didnt know if i was strong enough to not take them all and just push through.

i didnt, obviously. but it was hard. i still dont feel all there.

im only writing this because i was talking to J about how im overthinking a lot and all my thoughts are in my head and she told me to write it down like my english teacher said all those months ago. i didnt immediately, but this was the breaking point. i cant keep thinking and not writing it down anymore. if i had more time id be more consistent but school is a bitch im drowning.

-vinsie

I am inherently fearful

A scared child in a woman's body

How does one grow up?

I have stayed the same since I was seven

Stagnant, but on the outside so deprived

As if I’ve never had a break

When all I have is time

But I never do anything with it,

And I don’t know why.

I should have completed my books by now

But I have written less than I did in high school

Oh how I hated high school

But now I’d give anything to go back

To have friends and correct the mistakes I made

Be less shy, talk more, to be loved

But I am nothing but myself

And I do not know how to change

A horrendous bug lurking

Somebody squish me

Trap me in a cup and let me loose

“Please don’t read Mein Kampf.”

-Me

Context: I'm standing in line for a game. And as more people come to play, the line gets longer and longer.

Dude behind me- "I hate lines. They are too long. And too many Ls in the word 'line',"

To the boy who was never meant to be:

Why did it have to happen to us?

Why does everyone else get to have their stories then ours has to be lost somewhere in a corrupted state?

Why do we have to be the "right person, right place, wrong time"?

Why can't I just give up on what was never meant to be?

How did we go from a simple question to such heart break?

How did one person go to the one thing that makes me wake up in the morning?

How am I supposed to let go of the biggest regrets I've ever had?

How am I supposed to forget you so I can find someone else?

Please, next time, don't leave me. And I won't let you go.

-The girl who was never meant to be

When I first stepped onto the soil of the Netherlands, I was struck by a canvas painted with broad strokes of sophistication and quaint charm—a sort of pastoral modernity that captures the eye and the heart. The cities, resplendent with their mix of historic canals and sleek, contemporary architecture, seemed to echo the past while proudly proclaiming their place in the future. Amsterdam's labyrinthine waterways, Utrecht’s bustling streets, and Rotterdam's daring designs: each city a chapter in a storybook that promises more than just a glimpse into the Dutch way of life.

The Dutch themselves are an embodiment of this beautiful paradox. Polite and respectful, with an easy smile and a readiness to help, they move through their cities with graceful efficiency. Cyclists whir by in a blur of activity, epitomising a healthy and environmentally conscious lifestyle. It's hard not to admire their striking balance between calm composure and vibrant living. Whether it's the stunningly handsome or the effortlessly beautiful, their appearance seems to reflect their lifestyle—active, healthy, and incredibly welcoming.

Language, often a barrier thick as a fortress wall in many countries, is a mere curtain here, brushed aside with ease as nearly everyone switches to English with a fluency that is both impressive and a relief, despite knowing some Dutch myself. This linguistic agility opened up avenues of deeper connection and understanding during my stay, culminating in a medical academic conference where I stood as a speaker. Presenting on intricate matters of clinical medicine and novel surgical technology, surrounded by peers equally adept in their fields, I felt a seamless part of a global dialogue—a testament to the country’s inclusive and internationally minded spirit.

The culinary landscape in the Netherlands, much like its physical one, is a delightful surprise. From the hearty, comforting stroopwafels and bitterballen to the exquisite Michelin-starred offerings that dot the cities, the Dutch palette is as varied as it is delicious. Each meal is an invitation not just to taste but to savour and remember.

And oh, the vistas! Fields punctuated by the vivid hues of tulip blooms in the spring, the serene stretches of the countryside dotted with windmills and farmhouses, and the sea kissing the shores with a dutiful regularity. Each view seems to whisper a story of its own, a silent narrative that begs you to stop and listen with your eyes.

As my journey concluded, a certain melancholy took hold—the kind reserved for the end of delightful days and memorable sojourns. With its intriguing blend of old-world charm and new-age dynamism, the Netherlands had etched itself into my memory, inviting, almost imploring, for a return. And return I shall, for how could one resist such a hearty embrace of life and living? Indeed, the Dutch have mastered the art of inviting you in and making you yearn for just one more day in their picturesque land.

dear diary, its 04/22

SOOO A LOT CHANGED LIKE I SAIDDDD!!!

me nd L arent friends anymore. so this thing happened with a guy and she was having a panic attack over roblox and I told him cus i was worried and she got mad and blocked me and I also told her santa wasn't real bc apparently she didn't know and she got so mad so like shes lit a kid so idfc anymore abt being friends w her it was kinda immature on my part to be 14 and friends w an 11 year old.

i don't rlly play fortnite anymore, I'm tryna get back into it bc i miss it.

i also had like a short friendship with this guy ill call him "I' and basically he was super like idek he had crazy attachment (i do too but not this crazy i have boundaries) and within like 2 days he was telling me he loved me and saying "u better not be talking to other guys" and making me feel rlly uncomfortable in general. and ig most of it was my fault because I didn't wanna say anything so I js let him tell me those things i didn't tell him to stop and i js like was over it and i told him i didn't wanna be friends and i was rlly strict w it because after i told him that he was like "() don't leave me" and its js a crazy situation in general. i feel like i got a little attached also bc after the fact i kept checking to see if he messaged but i stopped doing that so yeaaaa anyways.

UPDATE: i dated that one guy. relationship lasted a couple weeks, we broke up js before our  1 mnth and i think he's like deadass gay now bc on tikyapp he was reposting how he's queer so uhm like i swear he confessed to me first bro. its always me falling for the zesty guys smh. KILL ME NOW

friends: m, b, k,

Sexuality equal to Humanity

When no ones think about the lifeless

Prices will be increased till we see the mindset

Which will help to escape From the mindless

If you go seeking out the happiness

You might get know about the cross roads

It’s Will lead you to the wildness

Seen by the virtuousness

I got to know about the righteous

Greatness will be meaningless

If Can’t help the helpless

Helpless will seek out the solutions

To come out from the population

Consumption won’t be enough till realize the imagination

What can do the generation

If we could destroy the pollution

Which cave into our mind, since we are from the aggravation

Expectations will be vital

To the future population

To go ahead with the imagination

To win the Life by the acceleration

In order to find the hallucinations

You have to have the sensation

Get your feet from my mind

I gotta think

Think of the way

How I’m gonna escape

Escape from this uncertainties

Till I met the devil

I’ll search throughout the universe

How I’m gonna survive

Till I see the stars to show me the road to heaven

Way down we go

As long as we able to see

We see the full of lies of reality to keep us on the ground to make the mistakes