I cried on the way home.
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I do not believe that everyone is evil, and I do not want to believe so. But sometimes, people can be cruel... I’ve already cried several times at work; mid work and I know that some will say that I need to stay professional and not let my emotions get to me, and the best I can do is to take a bathroom break. I don’t really know how to stop my tears from flowing out...
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I wasn’t always like this though. Up until my father’s death, I never cried in front of people. I mean, not even in bathrooms if I wasn’t home, and really not in a train like I did today. I guess I saw crying as a weakness and didn’t want the others to have yet another thing to laugh about me. But once I experienced devastation, something just broke inside me, I guess. Now, I don’t even know how I used to push the feelings aside anymore. But I did do it a little, I mean I didn’t burst out crying at work, I waited until I left the building and once I was in my “on the way home” mentality... it just came out. Just looking down and killing my voice was all I could manage, and I wanted to get away from people as soon as possible, but that can’t really be done in a train. Blasting the music to the point that it felt like the music was coming from me, I just let my tears fall and waited for the train to reach my station.
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But I felt a tap.
Maybe my music was too loud for someone else, which in hindsight I know can be annoying for so many people, but when I looked up, a man was just standing in front of me with a tissue... His mouth was moving but I couldn’t hear what he said because of the music, but that gesture made my crying worse to be honest. I didn’t know how to accept the kindness, so I just shook my head. How is it that strangers can make you hate the world but also make you love it at the same time? I thought that the world was turning bleak, just as I was giving up. I couldn’t even say a word of gratitude towards that person. I really wanted to.
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Thank you.
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You are what I want to remember from today.
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