I had a dream.
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Come to think of it, it was the first time I had a dream about him.
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When I opened my eyes, there was a black air blocking my view. Numerous colors, smells, and sensations disappeared at once, and in the sudden darkness, I blinked for a moment and realized that I had a dream.
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Slowly, with a sense of reality, memories came back. I was in prison. This black darkness, the spirit of isolation alone, was my reality at this moment. I looked back on my memory with the senses I had tasted a while ago.
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It felt strange. Usually, I rarely dream. Sometimes even if I had a dream, I would forget it soon after I opened my eyes for a while.
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But I can't believe this is a dream.
There were still sight, hearing, and tactile senses left. It was the first time I had a dream of pretending to be real with a vivid sense.
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As such, I was told that I had a vivid dream, but the first time I experienced it, I couldn't distinguish between dreams and reality for a while even after opening my eyes.
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Where did you go?
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The body temperature that was held in my hand just a while ago. The scent that touched the tip of my nose, the soft sensation of the skin.
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I frowned. It was hard to believe that all of that suddenly disappeared and that only this dark darkness was left in my hand. The world suddenly changed and I was thrown out of the world where I was supposed to be.
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Suddenly, a violent anger rose. It was an anger that I had never felt before.
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I felt like I was deprived of what I deserved. What was originally mine, something I believed to be mine, and I didn't doubt, they disappeared from my hands at once. And darkness remained there instead.
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***
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I felt like I was living in a dream.
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Instructor Jeong said with an awkward face that I killed someone. He said that I killed two members of the department for a reason that was not great, and asked me to go to Eoryung for a few days, even formally.
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I didn't remember. I didn't remember whether I killed a person, killed two people, or for some reason. However, when I heard that and thought about it, I think that happened. However, it seems that what happened was not reality, but in a distant dream.
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Yeah. I think I killed one guy in a vague memory. I couldn't remember the other one. I don't remember what happened. I was annoyed by what he muttered about. So I removed anything that bothers my eyes.
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But was it a reality?
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I was surprised. The faint sense of that time still remained in the hand, but not in the head. It was like what happened in a dream.
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No, I was living in a dream.
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I looked at instructor Jeong clicking his tongue. I probably looked quite desolate at him, who formally told him to go to the fishing grounds only for a few days.
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Instructor Jeong, who gave me attention, was seen frowning. It could also be seen that the edge of his chin was dimly hardened. Seeing the clear boundaries and anxiety reflected, I realized that I was hinting at him to live.
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I was surprised once again.
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Only then did I realize that I thought of killing even Jeong for a very short time. They were unconscious, so they were not even aware of themselves.
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I thought it was annoying for a moment. But I didn't know it would lead to murder right away. Moreover, I can't believe it is.
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This is how I killed them.
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I couldn't remember, but I was convinced by thinking of the two men I killed.
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Instructor Jeong Chang-in was a fairly old friend of my brother. We've known each other for a long time. He was also an indispensable helper in conducting company work. So I never thought about being tough on him. This is because I know that there is nothing good about falling out with him.
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Nevertheless, they spewed life on me without being aware of it, so there's nothing strange about them no matter when I killed them.
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I thought it was a little dangerous. If I stayed in this state, I couldn't tell who else would die in my hands without knowing it. I thought it would be better to be included in the prison according to what instructor Jeong said. I thought it would be better to isolate myself because I could avoid annoying things in the future. So I nodded gladly.
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Jeong Tae-ui.
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I could pronounce his name correctly.
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But the guy didn't seem to have noticed it. At first, it may have been because it was called Tae-ui as it was comfortable to pronounce. Sometimes I said it with the right pronunciation, but he didn't seem to notice it.
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It didn't matter. I sometimes called his name straight and laughed to myself as I saw him answering, "Oh, why?" without noticing.
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A long time ago, the guy who clearly said his name because the pronunciation was not accurate, how did it get so dense over time.......
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I laughed at the dull memory, thinking that I would tilt my head and ask when I did it when he heard it.
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It wasn't bad. It was also fun to watch him while remembering by himself. At that time, it was delicious to see if he was this kind of guy.
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I already knew his name before I met him.
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As with the name I heard directly from his mouth when we were young, he was a famous figure in some cases. I didn't know and didn't dream, but there were so many people who wanted the luck of genius.
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Me too, it wasn't enough to look for it, but I was curious in my own way. What kind of human mask does the famous Gilsangcheon wear? And when I encountered it, I was surprised by the mediocrity that far exceeded expectations.
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The appearance, tone, feeling, atmosphere, etc. were all normal. I calmed down when I saw the guy who had visited the Asian branch in a joint training session with the Asian branch, who was a member of the European branch at the time, entering the room assigned to me on the first night of arrival. Others called the feeling disappointment.
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However, it was the very next day that the disappointment was broken and joy came out of the inner shell.
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When someone attacked me at the restaurant, he put a gun on me to prevent a person from dying. The judgment was correct. If he hadn't stopped me, the person who attacked me would have definitely died.
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But despite the right judgment, I thought he was a fool for putting a gun on me. He already knew. Perhaps he heard rumors and watched the record video of the previous training. He already knew what kind of person I was, and he knew that his power was far below me.
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Nevertheless, I lost interest in the guy who rushed to me.
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But what he put on me was an empty gun.
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When instructor Jeong told me that story, I felt like I was hit in the head. And, even though I still think he's a fool for doing such a thing, I tasted the joy that burst out at once.
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So I was interested in him. So I got to know more and more. The more I dig it, the more interesting it is. And how much more interesting it could be, I thought I would know only after digging for a long time. The reason why Jeong and Jeong Jae have cared so much about him.
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I considered his personality foolish. But at the same time, I didn't hate that personality. It was normal, but it clearly set its own standards in that it was a line that people should keep. Also in relationships with others, there were certain criteria that were difficult to express in words.
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I thought, "I'm a little in trouble."
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If he finds out the truth later, he will be angry with Jeong Chang-in and me. He'll be upset thinking I have used him.
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As I got to understand his personality, I sometimes thought like that, and one day, I brought it up at first glance when I talked about something different with instructor Jeong. Later, when his nephew finds out about this, he'll be resentful.
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Then, instructor Jeong smiled with a difficult face. He sighed, saying, "I can't do it." Even this man, who doesn't show much emotion in a lot of things, cared about his nephew a lot. He sighed for a long time, perhaps bitter for his nephew to resent him, and continued to say, "But still."
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"Even if you blame me and get angry at me for a while, the child will eventually continue to meet and live with me. Even if you don't like it, you have no choice but to do so."
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Anyway, the child and I are family, fortunately, he laughed.
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At that time, I felt like I was covered in cold water.
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Even if he resents and gets angry, he is supposed to continue to be connected to Jeong. It was already reserved like that from birth.
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Then what about me?
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The moment I came up with the idea, I was embarrassed.
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There was nothing for me. Nothing like a link.
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But soon, I changed my mind. Anyway, he is my second lieutenant. As long as I'm in UNHRDO, he's supposed to work next to me.
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Another thing.
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This is the reason why I think he's silly but on the one hand, he didn't hate people. Rather than not disliking it, he lived with that heart as one of the very natural emotions. Even if there were a lot of things, he would frown for a while and take it with a sigh. He grumbled, but that was all.
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It was the same for me.
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He had never expressed dislike to me. He often felt unpleasant, bothered, or speechless, but he didn't have a face that he hated in the general sense of "hating people."
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Even if he was a little forced, he would grumble that he didn't want to, but eventually gave up to do what I wanted.
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Moreover, it was the same when I pressed him with force and attacked him. For the next few days, the man, who had always grumbled inside even if he was unhappy with me with his attitude of taking care of his life, was very angry, and he burst into anger at me.
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Nevertheless, in the end, he opened his axe's eyes and sighed and was drawn back to me.
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So, it was okay. Even if he resents and gets angry, it doesn't last long. He went around sulking to some extent, and it was a matter of trouble. Soon, his mind calmed down.
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But then another embarrassment came to mind.
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Then I...
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I was embarrassed to suddenly realize that I had no connection with him. What does that have to do with it? I laughed absurdly with that thought.
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"That day, I thought I was going to die because my teeth were split. Do you know how terrible I hated being with you the next day? Let's not see each other again, punk."
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That's what he said that day. With anger in every word, he expressed the anger he had accumulated.
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I couldn't move. Maybe even if the hand was free, it could not move.
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My mind faded white, so I couldn't think of anything.
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He said he was leaving. He said he would leave in an hour, and he shook off what he had piled up inside.
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I looked at him vaguely. I didn't remember exactly what I said then. What clearly came to my mind at that moment was that he was leaving out of sight now, and the fact that he had hated me terribly so far.
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As the accident slowly returned, I recalled what he said.
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Ha, I laughed. Why? What's wrong with that?
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But at the next moment, I thought my laughter was blurred, but after a while, it stopped.
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I was furious. I felt a frighteningly intense murder so that I could fully feel what it meant to have a spark in front of my eyes.
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I hate it terribly. I hated it terribly. The words lingered in my head. And with that remark, my flesh rose without knowing that it was over.
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I've never been so angry. No one has made me so angry.
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I thought I wanted to kill him. I thought I should kill him. I was suffocatingly angry at the guy who disappeared after leaving only that behind. I vowed to find him, find him, and cut off the breath with my own hands. Otherwise, this anger would surely not have been erased for life.
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But his whereabouts could not be determined.
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And around that time, I couldn't control my emotions as if I were living in a dream, and I used to hurt people almost as close to my instincts without even capturing them in my memories.
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Then I went into chaos.
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***
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The day before I came out of the detention, I dreamed once again.
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I met him in my dream. Even in my dream, I was crazy looking for him, looking for him for a very long time, and barely able to meet him.
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And in my dream, he said again.
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"I didn't want to meet you. I hate it terribly."
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Even in my dream, I was immersed in the terrifying anger that captured me in reality. So I killed him.
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In my dream, I killed him. I didn't remember how I killed him. But what is clear is the fact that I killed him. It was a dream that was infinitely close to reality. In my dream, I thought it was reality.
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His voice had been heard. I could smell his body. The hot and sticky feeling of his hands soaked in his blood remained clearly in his hand.
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It was already a reality, not a dream. There were no more of him there.
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The dream suddenly disappeared.
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I was again in the dark of the spirit.
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In that darkness, still unable to wake up from a dream that was no different from reality, I raised my hand puzzled. It was buried in the dark and invisible, but it seemed that there must be blood on the hand. I killed him with my own hands, and the blood of Jeong Tae-ui, who no longer exists, must be there.
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I may have screamed. I think I woke up close to screaming. But it may not be true. I could only hear it in my ears.
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Wake up. Wake up, Ilay Rick.
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He whispered, tearing the skin off my heart.
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It was, like, the same sensation. The dream was the same as the reason why I entered the prison, the reality that I remember vaguely like a dream, and the one that killed someone as the instant anger led me without even realizing it. In reality, I killed two people as if it were a dream.
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In my dream, I killed him as if it were reality.
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I couldn't control my feelings. After he disappeared like that, I couldn't control my feelings.
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Wake up, Ilay. Wake up, Ilay Rick.
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He yelled over and over again. Scream-like shouts filled my head.
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I had to. I had to wake up in this dreamy chaos. Otherwise, I would have killed him and said, without my consciousness, without controlling myself.
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Then, in the reality that came a step later, I will feel the shuddering loss I felt in my dream.
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I heard a scream in my body.
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Wake up. Wake up, Ilay.
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I no longer thought about what the anger was. The name of anger was not important. I was just angry, and I had to control that anger myself.
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After that, I had to drag him back into my hands.
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I had to. Otherwise I would have lost him twice.
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That was the only important fact for me today.
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