Being locked up in the attic for almost three years is no different from a guilty criminal in jail after being released. I never got to see anyone except the young maid around my age to take care of me when I'm hungry and sick.
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She was kind to me. She pitied me more than her sick brother she told me.
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It took me a year to trust her completely, 'cause I thought she's one of the people who's only kind at first, but my prejudices about her was completely wrong. She's one of the kind, I could tell by the way her eyes look at me like I were a friend to her.
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"Miss, do you want me to open the window?" She'll asked everyday, then I would just nod staring at her. Then I would asked what it feels like outside. She'll told me things, like how the flowers and leaves swayed the moment summer has arrived, like how the roads will get to be occupied by snow when the winter came, like how the trees looks like it just lost life in the fall when the dried leaves fell, like how it felt to live when the spring has to come.
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I utterly envied her everytime she told me things about outside.
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Though I've seen it all before, I wanted to keep feeling every season of the year. But this time for years, I feel left out. I missed it.
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I only saw one thing outside the window everytime ; and that is the dark forest that seemed to be has no life in it, only ebony. Darkness, all over, even if it's a day or any seasons has to come. An abandoned forest by Gods, based on the legends.
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I could be scared everytime I stare at it, but I never felt like it.
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Because the forest was like reflecting myself.
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Dark. Feel nothing. Just there, staying. It looks dead, it seems dead but not.
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I feel numb.
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I didn't see Magnus, it seemed like mother has forbidden him to come here, she know he'll go anywhere just to take this destination to see me. He wouls do something about it, but mother will immediately would come to know that he visited me, and she will take him somewhere he's scared off or take away his important things if he didn't obey her.
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Magnus was sensitive, he was always scared, there was time he was courageous, but most of the time, he'll stay silent when he fear something he couldn't talk about.
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Though I didn't see him, he'll secretly deliver message his message for me to Estelle. I thank all the Gods for mother not knowing it.
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He's nineteen this year, I bet.
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And my father...what about him?
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He wouldn't care about his family. No one ever really cared about this family. I think he's just there to exist. To have someone who will inherit the Barony.
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I really didn't know what he reacted when he heard I'm the Duke's secret lover. Or just like my mother said...the duke's mistress, a whore.
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Magnus knows it was never true. It was really never true.
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I was never his mistress, I was his lover.
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I wish I could screamed everything I wanted to say to them, but what's the use? I will look like more a whore to them.
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And in my case, that's a reality I'm living in.
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A complete agonizing existence.
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