She stares back at me, the same expression on both our faces. Zinnia calls it dead, but I recognize the look on her face. It's confusion, I think.
Lately I've been on such a rollercoaster that nothing makes sense anymore. There's too many mysteries, plot holes, loose ends. This diary helps relieve the stress, but as I keep thinking... maybe I do have emotions.
I think emotions and feelings are different. Emotions are happiness, sadness, anger... things like that. They come and go in people. I've never really had many emotions throughout my life, or at least, it's not even visible.
Feelings go deeper. Things like love, pain, confusion, worry or hatred... I don't think those are exactly emotions. It's more of a state of mind... I dunno, I'm not a psychologist.
Emotions, feelings… it’s all just words people throw around. Doesn't matter.11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaQrNzjYzo3
I definitely do have emotions and feelings. That tightness in my chest when Mom’s voice cracks on the phone, even with the water running. That jolt of… something… when I see Archie’s name on the school roster. Is that just my circuits misfiring, or is that… something else? 11Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBWoXEae5UG
Just... you can't see it, can you? You see a dumb blue eyed blondie scribbling in her book too much. That's it.
But this… this constant hum of confusion and worry inside me? It feels heavy, persistent. Not like a quick flash of anger that disappears as fast as it came. It’s just… there.
Part of the background noise of being Lexi, of being… whatever I am now. I don’t get it. None of it makes any damn sense.
But I chose this, didn't I?
I made a lot of choices in all this. I chose to enter the contest, to befriend Archie, to actually go to the lab. I also chose to observe Aurelia... not much avail. I chose to run away, to come to the safehouse. I chose my new name, new life.
I should make the most of it. I am Lexi now, just a normal girl. I need to be careful. I can't be recognized by my apparent lack of emotion or anything like that.
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I'm Lexi Hydroxide. I don't care what you think, but at the same time, I'm nice if you get to know me. I may be quiet, but I'm willing to talk if I need to. I smile when I'm happy and cry when I'm upset.
The brown and blue in the mirror is a start, a visual cue for everyone else. But the real work is inside, learning to let those… feelings… show. Like Zinnia said, I'm not Aura anymore. The rules are different for Lexi. Normal girls laugh too loud at stupid jokes. They get flustered when a cute guy looks their way. They actually REACT to things.
So, that's the new mission, I guess. Operation: Fake It Till You Make It. Except, what if I don't make it? What if I just become a good enough liar that even I forget who I really am? The thought sends a fresh wave of that familiar… heavy… feeling through me. Worry? Yeah, probably worry.
It's a start, this scribbling down the mess in my head. At least the words don't stare back with that same empty confusion. They just… are. Chicken scratch as ever.
Tomorrow is school. Tomorrow, I'm Lexi. And Lexi… Lexi probably gets nervous on the first day. Lexi probably fidgets and avoids eye contact. Lexi probably hopes she can find at least one friendly face in the crowded hallways.
I stand up, brushing a blue lock of hair off my face. I walk over to the window, looking out at the quiet street. Somewhere out there, Aurelia is still plotting. Somewhere out there, Archie is living his life, unaware of the storm I'm about to walk back into. And somewhere, deep down, the real me, Aura, is still trying to figure out what the hell she's feeling.
It's going to be a long semester.
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