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EP 20 - 5 原諒我,可以嗎?96Please respect copyright.PENANA7KkIfgZdOK
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偷走了雪地夢,我用了來⋯補償原先屬於仙境的支柱位置⋯⋯?96Please respect copyright.PENANAHxsfPHocsh
96Please respect copyright.PENANA7UWUGFm4dZ
不要混亂⋯冷靜下來⋯
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首先要説的是⋯我的能力
96Please respect copyright.PENANA5oV7BXhQYE
爱麗絲狀態的自己,其實處於無意識狀態,頂多是清醒夢級別的意識力,也許有著大部分的夢記憶,身體仍然是半醒睡
96Please respect copyright.PENANAeQ65hAAjPO
在過去,之所以自己能夠無情地留下玫瑰色的自殺夢,基本上亦全乃於這不清醒狀態
96Please respect copyright.PENANAFAwxosELsD
我的行為,有很多也是不自覺的96Please respect copyright.PENANAU2o8WXdYyf
96Please respect copyright.PENANAJhQHbI1C70
我不自覺地偷走別人的美夢,留下痛苦的噩夢,而同樣的操作方法,我將別人的快樂記憶、人格,複製到自己的仙境,而夢境缺席的灰霧只是顯得不快的紅光更強烈,強烈得要人去死
96Please respect copyright.PENANAGRDz6U7HN6
為了讓自己能稍微放下仙境,我必須尋找另一個夢來代替其位置,像心靈寄托一樣,需要一份核心記憶來支撐
96Please respect copyright.PENANAZTyC9WoeOE
自私的我,無意識地將誓約的夢據為己有,即使我原則沒有偷走,但這個行為好比夢醒時的遺忘:儘管努力一點便能記起,作為一個上鎖了的記憶存在於大腦,夢還是待於潛意識的灰色地帶
96Please respect copyright.PENANAEuUW0UoAFd
我把誓約的力量拿走,正正是他認為的「記憶消除」
96Please respect copyright.PENANAgrVO1r0COr
然後,記得當初,在面對佐島的仇恨時,我計劃好了怎樣面對,我努力、冷靜地計劃用怎樣的話語才能令他察覺到狀況的奇怪,但無法實行
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也許仙境比我想像中,對我更重要
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即使有著承諾的支柱,缺乏的是⋯浪漫主義⋯決心⋯所以我又在大和身上借了一點魯莽的決心
96Please respect copyright.PENANASBoDOa5rUO
方法是⋯令她遇見不幸的噩夢,而又能成功掙扎過來⋯讓她的空氣感染自己
96Please respect copyright.PENANALk7jUvjHlE
不過,現在回頭一看
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我⋯⋯我真的很差勁96Please respect copyright.PENANAVo3Me9Bjla
96Please respect copyright.PENANAh7AFLttpJJ
是我的錯
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其實全都是我的錯⋯佐島他沒有說錯96Please respect copyright.PENANAwnxQ4qiFBN
96Please respect copyright.PENANAJRReRziD1d
如果明知故犯,卻無法改變,我憑什麼活著?
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我倒不如去死
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我倒不如⋯倒不如⋯
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才不是啊!!
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我才不想死⋯!96Please respect copyright.PENANAsUzQ5BCUpa
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為什麼?!這個世界總是在將自己推向苦困?明明我又不是沒有努力?!對不對?!對不對?!!
96Please respect copyright.PENANATNye5IHYqY
我也想改變,想正常地生活下去啊!我才不想成為爱麗絲!但是不這樣的話,我當初又可以怎樣?!我的父母離開了我!我的家人全都離開了我!我的朋友也離開了我!
96Please respect copyright.PENANAVPeY3SdyAu
我説,我說啊!我真的很想問呀我可以有什麼選擇?!我可已經沒有任何支柱了?!
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正因這樣⋯我才不甘心啊⋯
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我真的想順其自然嗎?我才沒有⋯
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好討厭啊⋯
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如果可以的話,我會把責任推給我的朋友,佐島 一茂,我會把責任推卸給我的父親,我的母親,我的家人和這個世界
96Please respect copyright.PENANA9LvTUkfx91
大喊大叫:「這不是我的錯」
96Please respect copyright.PENANAxLKVj1Y9uL
但是這個思維並不正確吧?這樣做,我連現在僅有的東西,還有讓他原諒自己的機會也是,我會什麼也捉不住吧?什麼也沒有⋯失去所有失去所有失去所有失去所有失去所有失去所有失去所有失去所有
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爱麗絲!給我振作一點 ——96Please respect copyright.PENANALGqUwvyvaX
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⋯鈴木 花子⋯振作一點⋯96Please respect copyright.PENANAiBil7eDclM
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⋯⋯
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我果然無法⋯放開
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我是爱麗絲,無論願不願意承認,喜歡或否,現在的我確實是那十惡不赦的罪人,儘管如此我還是希望擺脫「怪物」的身份
96Please respect copyright.PENANAHATPCZhg5X
少年的那句「不將我視為怪物」,老實說,是一大安慰,那怕他由始至終恨我,至少他不是出於無源的恨⋯
96Please respect copyright.PENANAD16nBC2reF
無源⋯的恨⋯
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其實又是什麼來著⋯?我嗎?
96Please respect copyright.PENANA9mlcRTz1sv
話說我真的無源無故地恨「宿主」嗎?
96Please respect copyright.PENANAGUbp26evri
仔細一想⋯⋯其實不是
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我只是畏懼宿主⋯
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撇除先入為主的本性惡論,對宿主我是連恨也不是,只是病態的畏忌
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但如果說,這份用來偽裝的恨意,應該是對自己的吧⋯自恨
96Please respect copyright.PENANAaZIzR0LOqK
有著超自然能力,我卻無法自由使用,更何況宿主的身份,在這個社會裏一直以極為負面的形象展現給自己看,如何害死當事人更連累家人
96Please respect copyright.PENANACGg7HKdCmz
這個身份是擺脫不能的負累,繼而,出於自我厭惡的恨意,是我的真面目
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而兩份情緒也是確實存在的時候,將兩者合併為一,作為替代真正想法和身份的面具便很輕易了,可以說是順其自然的程度
96Please respect copyright.PENANAv6FxCYy8qk
畢竟半真半假的謊言,最難被拆穿
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不確定的幻想,只要當事人相信,也終成為現實 ——96Please respect copyright.PENANABYDXoQpJwZ
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欸?
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忽然,這個思路,令我發現了什麼
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關於⋯佐島的推論⋯
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反對!論點缺乏證據支持!96Please respect copyright.PENANAJk3iZu5O2o
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96Please respect copyright.PENANAmRAV7w2jXO
反對⋯有效!96Please respect copyright.PENANAoEFL3YXrz7
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他究竟是怎得出那個總結?我的真心想法⋯
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雖然我的確是反悔,我真的是想逃避,唯獨真心話未曾透露過給他聽
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唯獨混亂之中無法抽出真正的想法,我純粹在糾結而未到行動階段,給予我無限時間也好,亦可能無法做出決定⋯
96Please respect copyright.PENANA04ecjpH96e
不是說決定「不選擇」,而是猶豫不決
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總之,我不見得自己有選擇那立場,我沒有把責任全推給他
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我可是有嘗試將現實的重量背在身上 —— 即使自己沒法做到
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如同曾經,憑一己之力,我無法拯救自己的家人,連自己也保護不了
96Please respect copyright.PENANAEToejz3w5C
瘋狂早將我吃掉
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只是命運能否忽略過我的掙扎?96Please respect copyright.PENANAfhyBudML5a
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而現在,我也努力地反抗,相信自己的歪理,抱著決意,要求上訴重審
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我不會讓機會溜走,畢竟我認為:
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他是錯的
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別因為只錯了少許,就忽視那百分之一,我說,都說了,感情人性的問題,其本質就是多變⋯所以說
96Please respect copyright.PENANAs746lF3JQj
這類型問題的容錯率?零
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只要不是完全正確,那麼便要改正
96Please respect copyright.PENANAgtiqgAAbgt
論點的邏輯過程中缺乏推論的立點,例如說他怎知道我反悔,少年只是給予了主觀的判斷作為證據,實際的客觀證據?沒有
96Please respect copyright.PENANA0ASWdxKsgc
什麼叫做⋯「你看起來沒有?」
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只是用之前的我,原先的人格,來推論我現在的行為目的和思想過程
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雖則對我而言,真心話的批評十分嚴厲,卻,少年假定了自己立場,是不爭的事實
96Please respect copyright.PENANAEWHeJfvxjr
一茂他的論點或許是正確,也可能只是碰巧正確,卻推斷過程錯誤便是對我的不公
96Please respect copyright.PENANAK2EMGwpybX
他說我沒改變,他批評我,用以前的自己來判斷我的行為,我的立場
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錯了嗎?
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⋯⋯
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沒有
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畢竟⋯「人心是不會改變」,人是不變的,江山易改本性難移,人心是羅馬,不是一日建成,同時不是一日倒下
96Please respect copyright.PENANAjVF8YO4s5k
所以⋯我到底⋯有罪嗎?
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有罪?不對,至少單說那一條,我沒有犯下他口中的那個罪
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「刻意推卸自己的責任給他人」96Please respect copyright.PENANAwI0r9pHZbW
96Please respect copyright.PENANAWOwgSSDIOU
明明我有所行動,我有努力,我有計劃過⋯甚至不惜偷去別人的美夢⋯不是好行為就是⋯
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卻不能這樣說⋯
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我才不是被動⋯!我沒有坐享其成!96Please respect copyright.PENANAUaurI1h2u3
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事實為,能夠得出那推論的他只是在猜測,的確聽上去是狡辯,用我的立場來説是自我偏頗,卻自辯的理由只是如此⋯⋯
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對我的「公平」
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過程錯誤,同樣的答案也好,代表的性質也不是相等
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當下,少年的眼中,我是死性不改,不肯付出的那個
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我或許是真正的被告⋯但即使如此⋯
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他們說「法律」面前人人平等96Please respect copyright.PENANAfndZsjbRaM
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我說,邏輯思維唯容許絕對的答案96Please respect copyright.PENANAZre0jb8LCV
96Please respect copyright.PENANATVJiI0C4Z6
我不會屈服於佐島的判決
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結合以上,我的判決是⋯96Please respect copyright.PENANAV6gttGXP65
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即使無法放開,我肯定自己不想繼續作這樣的夢96Please respect copyright.PENANAD0S3bIDOU5
96Please respect copyright.PENANAXlb9durAGs
我更不是什麼也沒有做
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我才不想作為悲劇的主角活著
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我想承擔所有活下去
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還有⋯
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我宣布96Please respect copyright.PENANA9u5hBWDDz8
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被告,佐島 一茂96Please respect copyright.PENANArRmdg3ufTX
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確實有罪96Please respect copyright.PENANAbmUUQshdar