接到出版社新指令當刻,我意識到寫作生涯正要面臨終極考驗。在我面前僅餘兩個選擇:屈從或離開。155Please respect copyright.PENANAx4ilsH6t3b
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我笑,笑自己,笑自己毫不猶豫作出選擇——屈從。155Please respect copyright.PENANAWJQ4BqgA6y
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「好的。我會試從這方向去構思。」155Please respect copyright.PENANAP9ffekBaR3
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「不是試,而是必須依循這方向實踐!」155Please respect copyright.PENANAKOwtGNhdsG
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「好的。」155Please respect copyright.PENANAWdoVL9uxL5
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多聊幾句不著邊際的,編輯突然說要忙其他工作,我也識趣乖乖走出辦公室。155Please respect copyright.PENANAgaVP6zDYPF
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在咖啡廳一隅找個僻靜位置,點一客蛋糕,要一杯咖啡,細閱悉才會面時寫下的筆記。155Please respect copyright.PENANAtvMs8D1trU
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嗯……該怎樣形容此刻感受?被否定?被看貶?被強逼?被侮辱?以上皆是。但我沒料到上述所有感覺綜合起來得出的結果並非「憤怒」,而是「無力」。155Please respect copyright.PENANAXrxCguQYHc
155Please respect copyright.PENANAoXYwkTUiX7
潮流,風潮的流動。流的,動的,變幻的。追上潮流就會成為大眾模楷,追不上潮流就會被淘汰。我明白這是自然不過的淘汰過程,所以無法生起憤怒。若說真要怪罪任何人,也只得怪責自己——我還未開明得敞開心胸拋下固有思維去順應潮流——可笑我沒有絲毫怪罪之意。155Please respect copyright.PENANAZdHjuB44gh
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對於今日困局,我早有心理準備。155Please respect copyright.PENANAricNjzpiFQ
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不過在發生當刻,無可避免覺痛。大半輩子的努力付出和個人信念被一下子全盤否定!一直以來支撐我孤身走來的精神支柱被一下子推垮!我還可以相信甚麼?我還可以依靠甚麼?155Please respect copyright.PENANAJSHbrZ06qr
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內心波濤洶湧,表面淡然幽雅。155Please respect copyright.PENANAHG9JRAiT6s
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既然過去和將來沒有必然因果關係,那就好好享受當刻這口蛋糕、這口咖啡。155Please respect copyright.PENANAS3VHomx2zo
家,書房。155Please respect copyright.PENANAdW3XdCV6c1
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開始鑽研編輯提供的清單上所有作品,看看時下作品有何熱門題材和成功因素。155Please respect copyright.PENANAWS0DHPb9IN
155Please respect copyright.PENANAmigpHxhjea
修仙、穿越、同人、BL、絕境求生、困獸鬥、對抗強權、自殺、權鬥、道德批判……題材五花八門,卻也萬變不離其中。基本元素仍是沿用多年以來最受歡迎的愛情、成長、友情、英雄主義、個人主義、諷刺現實,變的只是包裝手法(題材)或呈現方式(劇情必須極端、人物情緒起伏必須激烈)。155Please respect copyright.PENANA7mx0MWC4ei
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這下子,我似乎明白了「甚麼」,心深處卻又抗拒這些「甚麼」。155Please respect copyright.PENANAASFtq98sBW
155Please respect copyright.PENANATr0WYo0YRc
我放下資料,離開書枱,走到窗邊,倚窗抽菸。155Please respect copyright.PENANAAhvV63s298
155Please respect copyright.PENANA23tvhWTIHG
嗯。獨居果然是個正確決定。爸媽受不了菸味,與他們同居只會悶死我。他們常唬嚇我說抽菸習慣會嚇走好男人。我對此一笑置之,沒有反駁——兩老將近七十歲,我沒可能單憑三言兩語改變他們活用幾十年的觀念。155Please respect copyright.PENANAjva051T5Eh
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情況有如編輯的幾句說話沒可能扭轉我沿用多年的人生觀、世界觀、寫作觀。若說我不思進取、固執、老土落伍,我會承認,然後反問對方認為我該根據幾多人幾多意見去改變我的思維、活出我的人生才算得上積極進取、從善如流、新潮前衛。155Please respect copyright.PENANAXSpAreLIkh
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相信對方會熱諷一句:「難怪你的作品賣不了!」155Please respect copyright.PENANAMAVfXnzHil
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情況正如兩老常於親友飯聚場合當眾冷嘲:「難怪你嫁不了!」155Please respect copyright.PENANATvBs31GfQ6
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唉!感覺真糟糕,卻沒奈何。155Please respect copyright.PENANAtS4M2wvLn4
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只得再來一根菸。155Please respect copyright.PENANAbtgwYmC59n
動筆。155Please respect copyright.PENANAo63k6TvLyf
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主角沒頭沒腦掉入不知哪來的時空裂縫,進入神仙世界,與位列末席的異性神仙共同修煉,推翻殘暴不仁的天界首領。然後與己方戰友鬧翻,開始明爭暗鬥,爭權奪利,結果禍及人間,令長站道德高地的主角黯然退下,在人間結識天真無邪的凡女,情愫漸生。誰料昔日天界紅顏湊巧下凡,得知凡女與主角關係,醋意頓生,視凡女為情敵,施以毒手。主角同性摯友為免主角煩心,暗中保護凡女,卻不自已對主角生起愛意,向主角表白……寫得順暢,寫得精彩。155Please respect copyright.PENANAuoX5M4eQ8B
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完成作品後,我馬上發送電郵予編輯,內容簡潔直白:「我寫不了。請另找高明。」155Please respect copyright.PENANAM1rBm82WVk
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刪稿,關電腦,將手提電話調至靜音。世界與我無關。155Please respect copyright.PENANA53B34FwCD8
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我卷縮被窩,無法入眠。155Please respect copyright.PENANAp6CSRgeeXo
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我在這世界存活幾十年,如今首次意識到自己與世界之間的矛盾何其激烈,而我自己對此又是何等無能無力無奈。155Please respect copyright.PENANAoQfUDMLqwg
155Please respect copyright.PENANA6sWtcyIVVm
那種震撼令我忘記各種宣洩方法:哭、睡、逃避、傾訴、吃喝玩樂……155Please respect copyright.PENANAYpjrEc5eST
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整個腦袋幾近空白一片。155Please respect copyright.PENANA0y8eSCAjPy
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各種情緒猶如乾沙,沒能被搓捏成任何形狀。若強行抓起沙子,沙子自然而然從指隙流走,掉落地面,散開、飛逸、無影蹤。155Please respect copyright.PENANAKkakNuIBvr
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沒法子。155Please respect copyright.PENANAniMRSTgnqq
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只得待時間為我整理混亂情緒。155Please respect copyright.PENANAUB32fN6fpV
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正如只得待潮流將不思進取、固執、老土落伍的我淘汰。155Please respect copyright.PENANAPJW56QEO4x