
「錯過了的十七歲,重返就沒有遺憾幺?」304Please respect copyright.PENANAuAmDJws12I
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二零二一年,孟冬。304Please respect copyright.PENANAUv9WFTBdrb
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冬日的暖陽是蒼空收藏已久的奢侈品,像一顆晶瑩剔透的黃寶石,美化了冬風的猖狂與凜冽。月台邊形形色色的旅客熙來攘往,火車鳴笛,伴隨著沒有溫度的廣播。304Please respect copyright.PENANAVgMESXOp7C
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我踏上了返鄉列車。304Please respect copyright.PENANAcdd86ImCu2
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回家的路對於在外打拼的青年來說是令人感動的, 但對於我來說其實還挺感傷,我懷念家門前的小白花,中學操場上的紅土,公園小溪裡的錦鯉,還有與我相視而笑的少年。304Please respect copyright.PENANAdg8ZRnldoR
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但是每每想起,要把那段傷心往事再走一遍。304Please respect copyright.PENANABcMD4sjxQL
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外頭的景色隨車廂行駛裁剪成數幀快速飛逝的剪影,我盯著窗外發呆,沒注意到有人在我身旁的位子坐下。304Please respect copyright.PENANAUVYCsEENLl
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「墨染?」304Please respect copyright.PENANAP3vo5fHqPc
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玻璃窗的反射映出他的輪廓有些模糊,我晃眼過去,對於他的意外出現很是驚訝。304Please respect copyright.PENANANmypyyKOth
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「好久不見,很巧啊。你也要回家嗎?」304Please respect copyright.PENANApQFQYncZAQ
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他笑得雲淡風輕,彷彿我們分開的日子只有四天而不是四年,彷彿高中消磨的歲月不過是浮光掠影。304Please respect copyright.PENANAwm5K7TYbOw
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「嗯。」304Please respect copyright.PENANAh5BVFumsQq
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他有種說不上的改變,不是面容上,而是神態上的改變。那讓我有些不知所措的安心,望進他的深邃的眼就像撥開記憶湖面上紛繁的落葉,我還是無法忘卻令我傷心欲絕的少年。304Please respect copyright.PENANAmSCp81qOtv
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二零一七年,仲秋304Please respect copyright.PENANA8xxAGLEgG0
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人們總說青春是人生中最難忘的年華,十七歲的我們卻被埋在考卷堆裡,日復一日重複著同樣的生活。304Please respect copyright.PENANAzR4KQZPCCy
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墨染是無聊校園生活裡唯一的光,他笑起來像秋風一樣爽朗而舒適,說話時如同夕陽餘暉般迷人。我一直暗戀著他,上課的樂趣就是偷看他寫筆記的樣子,犯睏的樣子,和朋友聊天的樣子,打球的樣子,我幾乎把青春全部的目光都留給了他。304Please respect copyright.PENANA1TMR6bTwAU
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真正熟識的契機是期中後換位子,他成為我的同桌,墨染像一般高中男生一樣會幼稚地捉弄我, 惹怒我,我卻不覺得討厭,可能戀愛的時候他不管做什麼我都喜歡吧。304Please respect copyright.PENANAix3th4QSTx
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每當他又讓我氣想揍他兩拳時,他總會把臉凑近,伸手揉揉我的頭,漾起爽朗笑意。原本停在空中的手就會瞬間失去力氣,臉頰不受控地泛起紅暈,羞澀地撇開視線。304Please respect copyright.PENANAijGAMCF5ho
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有一次我數學考試不合格被老師留下來補考,回過神來發現教室只剩我隻身一人。天色已晚,黑漆漆的走廊陰森得嚇人,我僵在位子上不敢亂動,走也不是,留也不是,急得快要哭出來。304Please respect copyright.PENANAbacOMvrD2L
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「傻瓜,怕黑還不快走。」304Please respect copyright.PENANA6YbLDZmJZH
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聽見少年的聲音如同救贖,墨染插著口袋站在門前,走進來拎起我的書包,牽住我的手,一言不發地拉著我往外走。304Please respect copyright.PENANALNrgI6Ui5I
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霎那間心跳整個亂了節奏,我看見他背後衣領上露出的一小截後頸染成粉色,差點忍不住想上前擁抱他的衝動。那是第一次的皮膚接觸,就算彼此體溫都熱得發燙也捨不得鬆開。304Please respect copyright.PENANA8iP4cEdsmD
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「你怎麼還在學校?偷偷等我喔?」304Please respect copyright.PENANA55kaseVHOq
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暗黃街燈下把我們的影子拉得斜長,他的制服外套批在我身上,薄薄一件卻讓我全身充滿暖流般溫暖。304Please respect copyright.PENANAjWJ4nCLRjK
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我們肩並肩,輕輕試探。304Please respect copyright.PENANAWsUvCjuYJE
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「小自戀,我只是練球練比較晚而已。」304Please respect copyright.PENANAlByPRDiqEV
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他開玩笑地把書包丢給我,露出嫌棄的表情。街燈下,我分明看見,他微紅的耳廓,與淺藏不住的笑意。304Please respect copyright.PENANAL1vRekjRnQ
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那天以後,就算沒有補考,他也依舊在校門口等我一起回家。304Please respect copyright.PENANAFA9lvNH8jt
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我其實不太清楚曖昧的確切時間,那一陣子,就算換了位置也不影響彼此的喜歡,回家後無論大小事都會傳訊息分享給彼此,講電話講到手機發燙是家常便飯。304Please respect copyright.PENANAnfzS66rfV2
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我們會在操場上的梧桐樹下偷偷牽手,公園裏約會,家門前依依不捨的分別。那幾個月就像是我生命之河裡的金沙帶,幸福得難以忘懷。304Please respect copyright.PENANAuOGb3k7Nrw
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「欸,剛剛隔壁班男生跟我要電話。」304Please respect copyright.PENANAFixoBhfYOg
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「你給他啊,幹嘛跟我說?」304Please respect copyright.PENANA41iy2gHMtP
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「你都不會吃醋一下喔?」304Please respect copyright.PENANASHsaSEoZ4h
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「我們又沒在一起,幹嘛吃醋?」304Please respect copyright.PENANA0mqVDJj8bM
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本來只是無聊的日常對話,我卻對他沒所謂的態度感到不滿,雖然知道他是無心的,但在感情裡人總是會把一些小事無限放大,誤解後陷進自己的胡思亂想。304Please respect copyright.PENANAdAim9MNQLr
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十七歲第一次談戀愛的我哪懂這些呢?我只是要他霸氣地搶過手機,把那人的號碼刪除,滿足我貪婪的虛榮心。304Please respect copyright.PENANAKpVlVQ4Osa
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為了賭氣,我故意不主動傳訊息,他打電話給我也不接,直到隔天早上,好像這樣就能讓自己好過一點。304Please respect copyright.PENANAF3tT8325Bm
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那時我還不知道,那通電話是我後悔一輩子也無法接起的遺憾,是青春急轉直下的催淚點。304Please respect copyright.PENANAwaTz1WXvRc
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那天以後,我們傳訊息的頻率變少了,連電話也不太講,一開始以為他只是找了打工太忙碌而沒有時間,後來發現他在學校也有意無意的避開我,讓我有些不安。304Please respect copyright.PENANAM49nMxQIJ7
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其他人打趣的問起我們什麼時候要交往的時候,我只是笑笑帶過,一邊觀察著他的反應。墨染也淺淺的笑了,我卻分不清他是因為覺得害羞而難為情而笑的,還是只是因為那句話很可笑所以笑的。304Please respect copyright.PENANA0gx7YlIGSd
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「你還好嗎?感覺我們好久沒說話了。」304Please respect copyright.PENANAySxD16YCxx
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「沒事啊。」304Please respect copyright.PENANAGPI4cah6ar
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「你確定嗎?如果你不開心真的不要憋在心裡,什麼都可以跟我說。」304Please respect copyright.PENANAByFyA7prBA
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「真的啦,我沒事,不用擔心。」304Please respect copyright.PENANAwvOiumexKY
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這是我們聊天紀錄裡最後的對話紀錄,不知何時開始,我和他講話變得小心翼翼,害怕他看我的眼神,有時他對我說話的語氣冷漠使我顫抖,又會在我快掉落懸崖的時候牽起我的手,把我拉回來。這樣曖昧不明的關係使我失去安全感,從前喜歡的那個美好少年,如今只能從記憶庫裡尋找有他的畫面,靠著曾經的回憶才能繼續喜歡著他。304Please respect copyright.PENANAy5UejLAfGj
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我知道,再這樣拖下去我們遲早會走散,於是我下定決心,在他生日當天跟他表白。由於他說他那天要打工,沒有過生日的打算,所以我策劃了一場驚喜給他,除了研究很久終於出來的手工蛋糕,還有精心準備的生日禮物,只要我別把告白搞砸,我相信這絕對是一場難忘的回憶。304Please respect copyright.PENANA9ujAMTs7Pp
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晚上十點,在墨染下班之際,我早早備好蛋糕與禮物,藏在他家門口的轉角。304Please respect copyright.PENANAXJh1cBwXF7
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聽見腳步聲漸漸靠近,我輕輕探頭,深怕他會提前發現我,卻看見另一個女生走在他身邊。304Please respect copyright.PENANA3r7PB94uic
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他們停在街燈下,太遠的距離使我聽不見他們的對話。我安慰著自己,那只是正好順路的朋友或同事罷了,沒什麼大不了的,沒什麼。304Please respect copyright.PENANAMYqcOcuLMG
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當燈光閃爍的霎那,還來不及說服自己,我卻看見女孩墊起腳尖,吻上墨染的唇。304Please respect copyright.PENANAurD7J9nCk6
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那瞬間,手中的蛋糕隨著眼淚滑落到地上,彷彿世界上所有的痛都朝我襲來。304Please respect copyright.PENANAw0sFGz2LkQ
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我看不下去,我怕我再多待一秒就會死,偏偏腳使不出力道,只好緊緊閉上眼睛。304Please respect copyright.PENANAHaGsTJQSXB
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或許是本能驅使我遠離可能危害生命的地方,我是無意識地自己走回家,像靈魂出竅一樣。手機在口袋裡響個不停,連關掉的力氣都沒有。好吵,腦袋裡的聲音快要衝破耳膜,像要將我吞入萬劫不復的 悲傷當中,我的眼睛仍在發燒。304Please respect copyright.PENANAsWfrr8gvum
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那是第一次感受到絕望,痛苦、心碎同時發生。304Please respect copyright.PENANADj38Z5FQB2
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那天以後我就沒見過墨染了,每天被低氣壓籠罩著,眼睛像是開關壞掉的水龍頭,總是沒來由地哭。我的家人不知道我發生什麼事,只知道我不想去學校,因此幫我辦了轉學。304Please respect copyright.PENANA0MerQLLAMB
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失戀這件事對別人來說可能是件無傷大雅的小事, 但對我來說卻是至今無法忘懷的沈痛。那一段日子裡我幾乎是掏出全部的自己去愛他,所以失去時才會如此痛徹心扉。四年過去了,回憶經過時間的療傷漸漸淡化,我依然無法走出來,只好把他藏進潘朵拉的盒子裡,只要不打開,就不會嚐到熏眼的刺痛。304Please respect copyright.PENANAVXOTnIBVQs
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回到二零二一年,火車駛進隧道,連同彼此的寂靜無聲駛進深處,我們沒有向彼此搭話,我知道不管說什麼都不合適,我們注定無法再有任何交集。304Please respect copyright.PENANAOjepCqzVN7
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「對不起。」304Please respect copyright.PENANAwDz36HZQI0
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他還是說了,那句老套卻必要的道歉。304Please respect copyright.PENANAvnR5GFzp9k
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其實我們都不能怪罪誰,只怪那時候的自己太年輕,不知道該怎麼留住對方,使彼此的距離漸行漸遠。304Please respect copyright.PENANAvDFUJvyPNv
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我沒有接起的那通電話,是他被媽媽徹底拋棄的那一晚。他是個缺愛的小孩,活在只有父母爭吵的童年裡,失去該有的疼愛,長大後再怎麼填也填不滿。304Please respect copyright.PENANADI1ZvXvo9O
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那晚他媽媽受不了經濟壓力要將他棄養,童年的創傷被再次挖開,我卻因為賭氣卻忽略了他忽需安慰的缺口。那時候他便不再相信我的愛,把重心移轉到另一個同桌的女同學,試著讓她愛上自己。他的確成功了,所以生日那天她才會情不自禁親吻他。當他發現他想要的不是這種愛時,已經太遲了,我走了,那些傳不出去的訊息在對話框裡像他填不滿的孤寂,無處安放的空虛至今依然塵埃未定。304Please respect copyright.PENANA8QeKGKBcQQ
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這些遭遇我後來都知道了,那又如何呢?傷害已經造成,我們只是在同個曖昧不明的地方交匯,到了夜晚還是個自墮落。要是那天我有接起他的電話,要是那時他誠實一點,向我說出心裡話,我們的結局是否會不一樣?304Please respect copyright.PENANA0OdoRQcsuu
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我永遠不會知道,但我清楚明白我們已經不是那個 能夠用全力去愛,單純又青春的十七歲的自己了。304Please respect copyright.PENANAe63iSoc0FE
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「沒事,以前的事就讓它過去吧。」304Please respect copyright.PENANA71E2Y11XxU
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我只敢透過玻璃折射看他的眼睛,我怕我又不小心跌進回憶裡。304Please respect copyright.PENANADTEzfGlcsm
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「我知道我這樣很自私,但這四年以來,我沒有一刻忘記妳,只有妳的愛能滋潤我的悲傷,我需要妳。」304Please respect copyright.PENANAX48BEAIicC
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我又何嘗不是呢?也只有他能讓我傷心絕透。304Please respect copyright.PENANArEYbrAd24j
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他見我低下頭不語,便試著牽起我的手,把他的手覆在我之上。304Please respect copyright.PENANAtvRJ9Dn6yv
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「我知道我給過妳傷害,我理解你不想與我有任何交集,但這四年我改變了,如果妳願意再給我一次機會,我會好好愛你。」304Please respect copyright.PENANAc3vUT3O9Wv
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「我們……還有機會從來嗎?」304Please respect copyright.PENANAqOQfFgybPl
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我抽開他覆上的手。304Please respect copyright.PENANAzmYDcaYvwk
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「夠了,墨染,我們已經錯過了。」304Please respect copyright.PENANAxeMnim3bsc
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抬起頭的瞬間,我知道我的水龍頭又壞了。他看見我佈滿血絲的雙眼,有些詫異。304Please respect copyright.PENANAzmmFpMuTdh
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「你知道嗎,命運在一生中只有一次義無反顧的機會,四年前我們就已經錯過了。我們早就失去能夠為愛叛逆的勇氣,再回頭剩下的只有狼狽。」304Please respect copyright.PENANAtJcnoiz9tL
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「離開你的一分一秒對我來說都是殘酷至極的折磨,我害怕再回到我們居住過的城市,害怕觸景傷情,害怕又夢見你。我知道,重新擁有過後,我也只會害怕再次失去的痛苦,終日活在不安裡。最好的結局,就是放過彼此,過好自己的生活。」304Please respect copyright.PENANAZFmAv7jNsP
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「我們都別再浪費彼此的時間好嗎?」304Please respect copyright.PENANA6oJPQGIasK
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他沉默,終點站即將到達。304Please respect copyright.PENANA485SsbxwM5
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下車時,我向他禮貌性的點頭道別,他也向我點頭,眼裡盛滿了十七歲那年的濃濃秋意。304Please respect copyright.PENANAFtVRiQYRUq
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我們都帶著寂寞和遺憾走下不再回頭的列車,終將背朝著彼此,向回憶告別,邁向新的旅程。304Please respect copyright.PENANAgkULWCyFfS
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「這輩子就陪你到這了。」304Please respect copyright.PENANAlbbz1GdvNE
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