×

Please use Chrome or Firefox for better user experience!
Dark
Adventure
Corrupt Forest
Writer Jadafun
Writer
  • G: General Audiences
  • PG: Parental Guidance Suggested
  • PG-13: Parents Strongly Cautioned
  • R: Restricted
PG-13
RATED
3753 Reads
4 Likes
3 Bookmarks
Popularity

Facebook · Twitter

FAQ · Feedback · Privacy · Terms

Penana © 2019

Get it on Google Play

Download on the App Store

Follow Author
Corrupt Forest
3 Bookmarks
A - A - A
Intro 1 3 4 5 6 7 8
#2
Chapter One: Corrupt Castle
Jadafun
Nov 6, 2016
0
1
171
1 Min Read
Comments ( 1 )

CJ Gem - My first suggestion would be to break this up into two chapters- almost any large time skips like you had here flow better when they're at the beginning of the chapter rather than in the middle. 

Some of the phrasing seemed a little clunky, like the line talking about the length of his hair. Also, hair can be cut much shorter than neck length with a dagger, and grows much longer than that in an 8 year span. 

I do find myself wondering if that voice he heard was distinctly part of him, part of the corrupt, or maybe the Queen working within his own mind. 

I hope to see names soon. The lack of proper pronouns gets stiff to read, and it makes it harder to introduce other characters to the scene. 

The descriptions are nice, but relying on phrases like 'victorian' and 'gothic' are a bit of a crutch- pretend your readers have no idea what these things look like, and try to describe them standalone. 

Can't wait to see more!
1 year agoreply

Loading...
X