To Whom It May Concern,

    Let me begin my missive by stating that I, under every circumstance, am a worthwhile person. I am a loving sister and devoted girlfriend. I am a teacher and a student. I am productive and supportive. Not to mention that I graduated with a 3.8 gpa. There is no place I could go that would not be improved by my presence. It is critical that you understand this.

You might be thinking that there is something about me that would disqualify me from your consideration for this position. I am confident that if you gave the subject enough thought, my flaws, as you would call them, would become all too apparent. However, I stand by my previous assertion. I am a valuable asset. More than that, I am a valuable asset that you cannot do without.

You doubtlessly want me to prove that last statement. You are thinking that you have thrived in all your endeavors long before I made myself known to you and that you will continue to thrive after you discard this letter. You, who are so secure in your control over this operation, are probably thinking that you have placed an incredible burden upon me to explain my qualifications and why I want/need this position so very desperately. And during all of that bumbled pleading that you expect to follow, you might even pity me because of your belief that you have given me a challenge that I have failed before even trying. You might be pulling up that rejection email right now or making a mental note to simply leave this letter unanswered. To that attitude of smugness, my only response is to apologize for not writing this letter sooner. You let a prime opportunity pass you by because you lacked the initiative- no, the foresight to realize the true value that cannot be measured in “years of experience”.

I regret to inform you that you that you are gravely mistaken in regards to your infallibility, you generic employer. It is you who should proving your worth to me. I am a worthwhile human being who is deserving of a paid position, not because you deem me fit but because I am entitled to earn a living to support myself. What’s more, it is within my power to choose only those opportunities that I find personally fulfilling. What do you have to offer me besides your paltry job offer? Your meager salary and even more pitiful benefits? Your professional training will not enrich my life- it won’t even pay my bills. Your networking opportunities will only distract from my true purpose. There are countless employers just like you who, as I said before, would be vastly improved by my time and talents and all you have to give me in return is a long a grueling process by which I will become a living robot, programmed to your will and yours alone. All of the resources and prestige that you enjoy is not enough to weigh against this mark on your character and fitness.

I don’t know if anyone has been kind enough to point this out to you, but no salary, however generous you think it, will compensate for this waste of my time. Your vague promises of valuable experience are laughable, although I will have the grace to let you down easy. Distanced, but easy. It is the least I can do.

I don’t have any openings at this time, but you are welcome to contact me once you have learned the error of your ways.

Regards,

A worthwhile human being