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Crime
Romance
GENEPUNK
Writer ViridianMind
Writer
  • G: General Audiences
  • PG: Parental Guidance Suggested
  • PG-13: Parents Strongly Cautioned
  • R: Restricted
R
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268 Reads
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A - A - A
#1
1. Aiden
ViridianMind
Aug 19, 2018
0
4
37
19 Mins Read
Comments ( 4 )

Lawrence Kinden - As a first chapter, it nicely sets up Mr. Timber as a villain and the animosity between Mr. Timber and Mr. Blackwell. 

I have two critiques. First, the back and forth between our narration referring to Aiden Blackwell as either Aiden or Blackwell is confusing. At first I thought they were two different people. If Mr. Timber is only going to be refereed to as as Timber, then referring to Mr. Blackwell just as Blackwell would make more stylistic sense. 

Second, you're hiding your worldbuilding. Obviously Mr. Blackwell has cybernetic enhancements. There's hints that everything is public (though Blackwell threatens to make this meeting public). The Cells (why capitalized?) seem to be more impressive than our modern smartphones. And yet you don't get into any of that. When Mr. Blackwell gets his far away look, what exactly is happening? We don't find out his security detail is dead when it happens, only at the end. I assume Blackwell's looking at a HUD or video or something, but all that interaction with technology is hidden which, for a SF story, seems strange. 

My favorite bit is the cleaner robot. That's a particularly interesting detail amongst all the threats and violence. I'd have thought it macabre but fascinating if the cleaner robot tried to clean up the blood at the end. 

-LK
2 months agoreply

ViridianMind - Thanks so much man! Ill get to those edits right away. I did think about going into detail about the CELLs but thought against it. I didnt want  big info dump in the first part of the story. Ill be sure to work out something suitable.

And you're so right! I played with the idea of the cleaner robot cleaning the blood but went against it because the originak draft had the robot break down. Thanks so much man! Dont be aftaid to PM with anythings else you want to add, critique, or just tall about.
2 months agoreply

Lawrence Kinden - @ViridianMind, I understand not wanting to insert an infodump. A quick of description of what Blackwell is seeing/hearing when he's getting information I think would give us enough to understand without making it feel unorganic to the moment. 

I remember the robot couldn't clean the last bit of orange. I got the impression it had gone back to its cubby to dispose of the trash. Maybe I misread.
2 months agoreply

ViridianMind - Thanks for the suggested edits!
2 months agoreply

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