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一切都要從升高中的暑假說起。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA307jBq6Cb
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「笙，這禮拜六有空嗎？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6schKD3Xlk
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爸爸說，禮拜六要跟他的再婚對象吃飯，在台北。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTXYMRzLPPJ
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「要穿很正式嗎？」我問。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX61dKdo7gy
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「普通襯衫就好。不是多高級的餐廳，太正式反而讓對方不自在。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFchcPyqavQ
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爸爸對我當時的反應應該很欣慰。對於他再婚，我沒有意見，對新媽媽的要求也不高，別像之前那個一樣、愛上別的男人就行。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdm5hrDxQHY
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之後要和新媽媽一起住，趁現在熟悉一點比較好，我抱著這樣的想法赴約，穿了件普通的藍色襯衫，但一到現場我就後悔，因為爸爸沒有跟我說，現場還有妳。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz8D9YC64P8
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「她叫白絃。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYBXLbYyWLE
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「我的女兒，也是你未來的姊姊喲。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYHZeeBExyQ
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如果爸爸事先告訴我，我就不會挑最討厭的藍色，而是我喜歡的粉紅色襯衫。因為爸爸對顏色的刻板印象，我一直不敢穿它，我就是這麼膽小的人；如果那時我鼓起勇氣，或許就能和妳開啟「喜歡粉紅色」的共同話題，而不是互用尷尬卻不失禮貌的微笑看著對方，應付這場聚會。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPnPgG6Yk11
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妳大我七歲，已經出社會工作，是成熟的大人，言行舉止均符合社會標準，但我知道妳在忍耐，因為我從妳身上嗅到跟我一樣的味道，我們臉上都戴著虛偽的笑臉面具。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡksGWGArpID
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不過，妳應付社交場合的經驗比我多，和爸爸的互動十分自然；相較之下，我像有社交障礙的高中生，常常不知道怎麼接話，但新媽媽把我的沉默歸為乖巧，莫名對我讚譽有加。我們的餐局在怪異的和諧中結束，兩個月後，我們搬去妳們的房子，由法律維繫的重組家庭就這麼拉開序幕。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbsCskRC0Aj
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爸爸再婚的決定是對的，不只減輕他養育我的壓力，有媽媽的感覺也很不錯，至少每天放學都有三菜一湯的晚餐，而不是一邊吃爸爸買回來的便當，一邊滑手機、看「媽媽」跟陌生叔叔吃飯的打卡照片。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0y2rgmrbn3
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「我來幫忙吧。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBm9PijRRfz
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回家時，媽媽都還在廚房，我通常會去幫忙，比如擺餐具。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfEmiLYRW6O
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「笙，拿三副碗筷就好囉。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX2NRgPjN5N
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爸爸七點前一定到家，少掉的那副碗筷不是他。我問媽媽：「姊姊不回來吃嗎？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX64jNY6MHE
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「她工作很忙，常常加班到很晚。」媽媽說。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7vQqoWU05m
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「姊姊做什麼工作？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4XgSPCecrW
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「一間藥廠的助理，詳細我沒問。」媽媽說：「你姊姊大學讀政治，畢業後失業了半年，我原本想逼她考公務員或研究所，幸好她最後找到了這個工作。雖然常加班，但看在薪水高、給家裡生活費很多的份上，我就懶得說她，畢竟每次跟你姊姊講話，我都會被氣得半死。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1d4sUh8HbZ
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媽媽對妳有很多不滿，我知道，因為她的控制慾很強。哪怕妳已經出社會，媽媽還是會管妳的穿著、交友圈、職涯規劃；但妳從不把她的話當回事，導致媽媽對妳很失望，妳們總是在爭吵。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ1mdGBHL4i
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坦白說，我當時對妳沒太多想法，畢竟我們根本沒說過話。妳都在我起床前出門、睡著後回家，見了面也不知道能聊什麼。這種尷尬的關係維持了三年，一直到高中三年級，我才變成大家所知道的羅笙──那個喜歡妳、喜歡到滲入骨髓的羅笙。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyPeiNSa2X9
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先解釋當時的背景吧。我當時的狀況非常差，爸媽不同意我考藝術學院、勸我放棄芭蕾，在學校又因為外表被同學霸凌、被老師性騷擾。那段時間於我而言就像地獄，曾求助卻被反說是自己的問題，光熬過每天的二十四小時都讓我想死，失眠、焦慮、精神不濟等症狀一一出現，身心靈都感到疲憊不堪，覺得自己再也撐不下去。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDBhf8Dew6W
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某個爸媽都去上班的早晨、我應該要去學校的時間，我人卻還坐在餐桌，吃著硬掉的早餐。明明知道會遲到，身體卻怎樣都動不起來，連開始新的一天的勇氣都沒有。正當我思考曠課會有什麼下場時，一個腳步聲從樓梯走下來、嚇了我一跳，我以為家裡只有自己。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡawLJFbGMvB
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「你不用上學嗎？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrt7n94XQry
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是妳，妳竟然在家裡。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFVoFtJkVMw
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「妳不用上班嗎？」我錯愕問。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeS83FDZhvH
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「實驗沒進展，老闆乾脆放我假。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOqup0EHM3R
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妳從我旁邊走過、打開冰箱。我以為妳指的是治療疾病的藥物實驗，現在回想，妳那時協助的實驗，應該是水果塔的研發。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIeOXd8fTKG
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「你不去學校嗎？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBUGE860vNY
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妳突然問，口氣不是關心，像在亂開話題。但當時的我瀕臨崩潰，竟下意識說了句：「我只想去死。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQVgijPCFPr
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「……？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ88AKdWsCne
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妳把目光從冰箱移到我身上，我這才意識到自己說了什麼。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNg3SiwS4zb
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「呃，我的意思是……！」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvghj2BnlGB
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「想死的話，我不會阻止你喲。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsrZLwyDDkX
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妳關上冰箱的門，盯著我吃到一半的麵包。比起我的性命，妳似乎比較在意早餐要吃什麼，這讓我很受傷。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtyd95Stlqw
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「唉，別用那種表情看我，我不是在叫你去死。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZyhorFciCF
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看我僵在原地，妳一臉「這小孩真麻煩」的口氣說：「要生要死，你自己決定，怎麼運用生命是你的自由，我不會干涉。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtpAKkYfMqI
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「可是……」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUtiJDB8jnm
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「但有個前提：你已經為自己活過一次。如果你的人生跟屍體沒兩樣，死不死根本沒差。從沒活過的人，沒有資格談死。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgB4rWjbXz5
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我什麼話也說不出，當時的衝擊很難形容。我的生活只有家和學校，但同一棟房子裡，卻有個人──妳──在用全然不同的思考方式在生活。我封閉的世界彷彿被敲開一個洞，新的顏色灌進來，是妳的顏色。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEgQJuNaxdA
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為什麼妳說得出這種話？728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCawYmV5WHd
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為什麼妳的價值觀和大家這麼不同？728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ698AbwYkWw
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妳都在想什麼？都經歷了什麼？728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwszKlbPafm
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面具脫下後，這才是妳的真面目。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjMZ8PQlmI8
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「姊姊。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxH6Myyhu5c
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我突然問妳：「妳平常是真的加班，還是不想回家？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡohw1OPSXzA
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妳沒有回話，只給我一抹迷人的微笑。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVkj71gvtKs
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「好羨慕。」我說：「很多人都說不想長大，但我想趕快變成大人。小孩子沒有獨立生活的能力，大多時候只能任人宰割，我討厭這樣，所以我很羨慕妳。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡumZXNxFo53
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妳雖然在笑，卻解讀不出喜怒哀樂，也看不出是否認同我的話。妳應該改名叫「白懸」，因為妳就像一部懸疑小說，令人摸不著頭緒。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAy86WqIKL9
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「笙。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUax88VaDqO
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三年來，妳第一次叫我的名字。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7LHV4Z9sGe
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「我幫你請假，一起去吃早餐吧。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOnzE4rpnqf
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於是，我們一起出門，那是我人生第一次翹課，感覺出乎預料平淡，是妳讓我心跳加速。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7RWcRLCk3h
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那天我們一直在一起，吃完早餐去逛街，逛完街去看展，看完展去夜市，一路上沒太多話，畢竟（當時的）我們話都不多，但那氣氛非常舒服，我至今都記得我們早餐吃了什麼、展場入口的收票員、射飛鏢贏來的獎品，尤其便利商店的布丁雪糕，那是我此生唯一從妳手裡接過的禮物。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmaIEFouzZu
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「我一點都不值得羨慕喔。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSo27WKNHnl
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一直到晚上七點，我們從夜市走去車站的路上，妳才回覆我早上的話。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuL9VSraLVM
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「確實，我擅長與人保持距離，因為我對自由的嚮往超越了任何一份情感。我甚至想追求更多自由，擺脫倫理道德、打破社會框架，當一個徹頭徹尾的瘋子。」妳苦笑，「但我們這類人啊，忠於自由、安於歸宿。嚮往自由並非厭惡束縛，而是對束縛自己的人不滿；一旦出現值得效忠、值得愛的人，被當成寵物也無所謂。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqww5ByZhTn
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我當時沒發現妳這段話有多恐怖。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡydUnUUsuIr
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「我的人生，就是不停地尋找能給我套上項圈的人。假使那個人真的出現，我會變得多瘋狂呢？那份執念又將把我帶去哪呢？我會為了那個人做到什麼地步呢？我整天都在想這些，一點也不高尚，所以我不值得羨慕。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpQZkeh7fT4
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妳說這些，並不是想得到我的回應，單純為說而說，因為妳很自私，妳的腦中只有自己，連正在聽自己說話的我也不願意顧慮。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6kIKRS6VNi
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所以妳永遠不會知道──因為無聊而打的請假電話，拯救了身心靈差點崩潰的我；隨便挑的一間展覽，開啟了我對武士刀的熱愛；衝著第二支半價買的布丁雪糕，從此成了回憶，我一百年後也無法忘記。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLNCCKuFZNy
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「抱歉，現在說這些，你也聽不懂吧？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtfau8avytB
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確實，我不敢說全部聽懂。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ00mx2Ah7Jn
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但我知道妳很寂寞。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYdgXELus5H
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「竟然跟一個高中生說這些，我也是瘋了。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyt6HDc22s9
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寂寞的妳，兩年後得到能操控距離的水果塔。一夕之間，爸爸媽媽變得不認識妳，親戚朋友叫不出妳的名，高中同學翻開畢業紀念冊，全然想不起妳的事。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXGYCvtwQuO
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而妳彷彿重獲新生。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtkUK0cXTF7
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「……！？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQpKLePggy5
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里奧給我看妳的相片，已經是我大學二年級的事了。我記憶中的妳成熟穩重，但相片中，妳只穿一件寬擺帽T，頭髮全部變成粉紅色，看起來比我小。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuGyUN4AIxE
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「她是你姊姊？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtgRjQLF8lO
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里奧大我兩屆，是商學院的資優生，講話還不是現在這副死德性。特地來藝術學院找我，是為他的摯友瘋帽而來，目的是打聽妳的事。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFXn2F1u51I
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「五官確實是她……」我盯著相片，「但是，氣質和我記憶中不一樣。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlasy1RApeX
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「嗯，她本來就很少回家，我現在又是外宿。上次見面是兩年前，我高三的時候。」我問：「她發生什麼事了？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7XQb1109wM
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「情況很複雜。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqMqb8kNtlc
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里奧用他琉璃色的眼睛凝視我。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkPWEcfSVH8
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「你姊姊現在，是某人身邊最麻煩的鬣狗。我們換個地方談。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvnQOUE40pA
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妳想擺脫過往的一切、拉開與所有人的距離，卻沒想過我會主動靠近，所以我很感謝里奧，因為他帶我進入妳的世界──一個荒誕的仙境，成為你們荒誕的一部分。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHA78ab8bkt
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「初次見面，我叫紅鶴。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCcbtX4oAQw
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追隨妳的腳步，我也重獲新生。和妳一樣的髮色，和妳同個色系的衣著。我用全新的姿態來到妳面前，妳卻看都不看我一眼。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCb2kywlU12
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「幸會，我是艾莉絲，可以叫我夏悠。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBYuxLR2vdL
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給妳套上項圈的人，除了身體塞滿棉花，我找不出任何特色。她是連表情都沒有的人偶、用來滿足自己母親思念的替代品，我不懂妳為什麼選擇她。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaxgzF58TP2
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「我最喜歡小悠了！」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdZ0jvfXqG7
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明明比較早認識妳的人，是我。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVY7JgzhZDO
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「我聽妳的！小悠說什麼我都聽！」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyDuYi6luON
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被妳拯救過、最了解妳孤獨的人，是我。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZumdvkuoA
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「我只要有小悠就夠了！」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Rly1VCWrV
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最有資格把妳綁在身邊的人，應該也是我。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPFiU1TEhjH
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我不知道這份執念從何而來，畢竟我和妳沒有太多相處，但我就是好不甘心。我以為我們戴著一樣的面具，後來發現，我們其實活在不同的宇宙；妳的宇宙只有妳，妳孤單一人漂浮在深沉的黑暗，我是唯一前往過那片黑暗的人。我厭煩戴面具的世界，嚮往妳追逐的自由。我想擁抱妳、陪伴妳，我願意和妳一起死在那片黑暗，我願意以弟弟的身分給妳想要的歸宿。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLBU1VOqugx
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但那個人──那個被權力腐化的人，非但沒拯救妳，還對妳施加內而外的破壞。她破壞妳的人格、妳的美，妳所有令我著迷的一切。妳是尊貴的獅鷲，卻被連人都稱不上的怪物糟蹋，我怎麼可能嚥得下這口氣？728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlJvkZerEFM
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「我愛她。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMJaZECcVpE
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我的偏執讓我變得越加恐怖，我開始殺人──最初我們一起看的展覽、那些武士刀，我揮起來竟毫不費力，習慣「剝奪他人生命」所需要的時間，也短暫得令人難以置信。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGk1luGkxCQ
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「我多麼希望自己能擁有她。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNHoZIfcdSV
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我創造了新的宇宙，那個宇宙充滿妳，但血紅色的鶴會汙染妳，我不能讓妳蒙受更多汙穢，所以向他託付了妳。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOF06Sf9d4t
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「拜託你了，金允燦。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgYEzfKwkBe
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我親愛的姊夫，一個不屬於仙境，卻影響仙境至深的男人。他是艾莉絲與黨對接的窗口，也是唯一沒有水果塔，卻知道我們所有事情的人。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx4uJH5ZQR3
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「可是她……」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDKoClLapsA
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「我會幫你找到姊姊。」我說：「能救她的人，真的只剩你了。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLLRh9J0yov
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妳說金允燦是玩具，我一眼就看穿妳的謊言，他在妳心裡的份量與艾莉絲相當。艾莉絲是王、是帝、是絕對的權，她給了妳項圈；金允燦是普通上班族，除了高個子和中分外沒有特色，能給妳的只有沒有特色的生活，但那恰好是妳需要的。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡysfzx8LtZA
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“In me the cave-man clasps the seer,”728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡypH8xpLFPU
──於我，穴居者攫取了先知。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhoyW9LHyes
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“And garlanded Apollo goes”728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡin2i038nNd
──佩帶花環的阿波羅，728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzwxYew4PUx
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“Chanting to Abraham’s deaf ear.”728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUmc851xxk7
──向亞伯拉罕的聾耳吟唱。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzksTWyTwOT
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姊姊，我親愛的姊姊，妳的人生根本不需要項圈。妳在我眼裡如此耀眼，這樣的妳足以驕傲、足以抬頭。妳必須扯開項圈，妳才是凌駕在艾莉絲之上、那宛若神明的存在。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ocI6KsIEY
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“In me the tiger sniffs the rose.”728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8A56ASEnYw
──我心有猛虎，細嗅薔薇。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpfqgW2Svtv
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“Look in my heart, kind friends, and tremble,”728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwAHJ8CsdJo
──審視我的心靈吧，朋友，你應戰慄。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKPlTLlA6pc
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“Since there your elements assemble.”728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCzucLxzDW6
──因為那才是你本來的面目。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTSOZXyE9Eo
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重拾勇氣的妳，殺死了他們一半的人；剩下的苟延殘喘，變成今天的高宇維、神與畜。重創艾莉絲體系後，妳和金允燦創立Platinum，妳終於有了自己的家。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCs0MVouuzJ
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「你做好覺悟了嗎？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB4I1ahx2rB
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一生都在不幸的妳，和姊夫幸福快樂了一百年，我也不知不覺監視里奧他們如此之久，久到第二代、第三代出現，導致我的名單越來越長，必須殺死的人越來越多。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzQyJp2Ndx2
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「注射後，蜘蛛糖會埋沒你的理智，你將只剩『快樂』一種情緒。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYZHsOPHxyH
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閉館的體育場，笑臉還是那頭墨綠色的頭髮。她平淡告訴我：「除非你的理智戰勝它、搶回主導權。你將和蜘蛛糖合而為一，得到難以想像的力量。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡViRWOhkEII
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「無所謂，這樣就夠了。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn8ogdBaPQE
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一百年後的二十二世紀，姊夫已經離開，妳平靜快樂的日子畫下句點。妳的目光再次注視艾莉絲體系，暗中阻止悲劇再次發生，因為妳就是這麼溫柔，和當年幫我請假的妳一樣，妳從來沒有變──728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfMh42Il1eQ
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可是這樣不行啊，我親愛的姊姊。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcGZygEP09z
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只要水果塔還在，妳就無法置身事外，這樣的妳是沒辦法幸福的。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDagS5DCoRq
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「嘻嘻嘻……嘻嘻哈哈哈哈！」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXQU9B4g6fD
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所以，一切都交給我吧。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLT4tz6YNoY
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「姊姊……姊姊……哈哈！我會把他們全部殺光，感謝我吧！姊姊！」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXrwPTklRkr
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我和我體內的蜘蛛，是為了妳的幸福而生的。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEygAqZ6YTd
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一百年前，妳幫鶴找到活下去的希望。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoLrDGEva4q
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如今，是鶴報恩的時候了。8964 copyright protection724ＰＥＮＡＮＡIiqALRR9UM 維尼

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