i never thought i'd come to this realization. in fact, it took my sisters five hours to convince me of it.
i like you.
i think i really do. there's no other way to explain why my heart skips a beat every single time i see you. there's no doubt in my mind that this is why the heavens open up to shower you with light every time i look at you. there's no other reasoning behind the orchestra that plays and the choir that sings in the background every moment i spend with you. there's not a chance that i could become so irrationally jealous whenever i see you with another guy if it weren't for the fact that i have an absolutely astronomical, positively titanic crush on you.
if i ever told you, what would you think? would you squeal and jump into my arms, professing similar feelings from me? would you smile and nod but pretend that i never said anything? would you scorn me like theseus scorned ariadne?
yet i know you would never be so cruel. you are incapable of such cruelty because kindness and selflessness simply radiate from your entire being. i suppose i just can't help but doubt myself in your perfect presence.
life can be viewed as a series of causes and effects. because you ordered a cup of coffee, the barista serves you a cup of coffee. because you didn't study for the tests, you are now failing the class. because i haven't told you how i feel about you, you and i are still nothing but friends.
there's a certain beauty in being "just friends." there's little pressure to impress anyone—not you or your parents or even your intimidating brother. yet it makes everything so difficult, knowing that there are boundaries we may never cross together. that is what hurts the most, i believe.
life is much more than the past affecting the present, however. the circle of life includes the future, the what-ifs, the conditional statements. if you eat your dessert first, you will not have much of an appetite for your dinner. if you do not let your fears control you, you will be able to do many things with confidence. if i tell you how i feel, nothing will ever be the same.
and if you're going to demand honesty, that frightens me. the thought of our relationship changing in ways i can't even imagine is something i find i'm not quite willing to risk, for the great unknown is a place where even the dauntless tremble, for uncharted waters are where even the most experienced doubt themselves, for the possibility of our friendship falling apart because of me is something i don't think i'll survive. i don't think i'll ever be able to survive without you again.
but will i be able to last as just another friend? will i sacrifice a great love we could possibly share together and pretend to be content with just staying by your side as just another friend? honestly, i don't think i'll be able to do that, either. this is the dilemma i've come across.
perhaps i'll let you know when i've made a decision.
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