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The Assassin The Soldier And The Thief
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Writer Nelso555
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  • G: General Audiences
  • PG: Parental Guidance Suggested
  • PG-13: Parents Strongly Cautioned
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The Assassin The Soldier And The Thief
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Intro 2 3 4 5 6 7
#1
Chapter 1: Arlen's Assassination
Nelso555
Comments ( 4 )

Emoddess - I agree with @Frances and @Aretice! Also, I really like how you described the assassin's three important elements (darkness, fear and silence) in the sentences. It makes him looked like his occupation and it has a nice flow for the scene too ^_^
8 months agoreply

Aretice N. Treader - I'm so glad I found this story, even if it's from a while ago. Your descriptions are so vivid, and I love how clear Arlandra's voice is right from the start. I didn't get lost in the description (which usually happens), so great job!

I can't give great advice like Frances, but I do agree with what she says. There are some smaller things, such as grammar. Instead of a semicolon for the assassin's greatest allies, I think it would be better to use a colon. (Sorry, I'm pretty nit-picky about semicolons.) Arlandra's thoughts were also sometimes improperly punctuated, but I suppose it's fine because thoughts can be messy.

Also, there were a few times when you overstated a fact. One example that comes to mind is when Arlandra saw the "silhouette of Arlen, the target." I think that the target is rather unnecessary considering that Arlandra went through an entire description of his target a couple paragraphs before. (Also, I think you accidentally called Arlen "Alan" at one point.)

Anyway, I'm not sure if you even plan on going back to edit, but I thought I'd put in my two cents. Again, I'm glad I found your story, and that's because I'll actually be using it as reference to help me with my own fantasy story I'm planning for Camp Nanowrimo. Thanks! :)
2 years agoreply

Frances - Whoa! You have such a clear vision of your world and how you're are building it! Also, I am thrilled to see you developing your characters at the same speed. Your writing is really lovely as well! 

The only thing I would suggest is taking another look at your descriptions. Sometimes, less words are more. Like when you said, "Red blood-poppy". The concept of a ''blood-poppy' (super cool by the way) gives an immediate image to the reader and the descriptor 'red' just gums up the sentence. Its not really needed for such a vivid name. If you go through and delete a few adverbs here and there and really focus on a few key areas of description, the flow will go so much smoother. 

I know its hard though. I LOVE my words too and I tend to use more than necessary. I think it's something certain writers just have to work at but once you master reining it in, your writing will thrive! 
2 years agoreply

Nelso555 - Thanks! I wrote this like 2 years ago so it's been a pain to edit, but I'm glad you're enjoying it!
2 years agoreply

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