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Lines of Devotion;
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Chapter Four; Line's of Devotion
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/Joy/
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As children, we don't pay attention to our parents and what they are like. We never really understand who they are till it's too late to avoid the influence and corruption. When my mother first really started paying attention to me I was in middle school and she gave me what I was craving the most, her attention. My father was a docile person I didn't understand why before but now I see it all. My mother cultivated my jealousy when I told her about the boy I liked in middle school but he was taken. I didn't think what she was saying was a problem because she's my mother. But I lost friends who told me to my face I was cruel and evil, but my mother said I was entitled to what I desired. She fed me to the wolves inside me cultivating this jealousy before I could realize what was happening. I just wanted a mother's attention not to become her product or experiment.
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When I started high school it was too late to change so I embraced it while trying to change. But it doesn't work that way I was purely ugly and I had to accept what she made me become. That's what I thought but when I joined the track team I met someone beautiful but it's like a razor blade across the skin. The way I am now would tear her apart without hesitation but if you have patience you can cut the skin properly to find the vein. I desired her like hunger but I refused to destroy her beauty so I played the friend. I tried to remember the steps I know it's wrong but I have to try things the right way this time. Every time we spoke I can see her disgust with me growing surely she knows about my reputation with the boys and girls my perfect harem. Lucky enough she knows how to hide things and pretend much like me so we could always avoid confrontation at least.
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I noticed she was becoming busier and soon learned of her attraction to someone else. My jealousy soared inside and I felt so primal so territorial but wrong as it was to feel this she was mine to claim I felt. That was what grew inside of me and I would take what was rightfully mine. I couldn't control myself so I took the one she liked first and I will destroy her for trying to claim what is mine. I know how wrong it sounds and feels but I really couldn't stop myself so we dated and true to my nature she walked in on me and some girl from the chess club. I had forgotten I told her she could come and go from my place which was a mistake. She told me to send her away while she went to a room, I could only assume she was crying. By the time I had sent her away, I heard her speaking to Astra and my jealousy just erupted. I never hit someone before but I was shaking when all was done and over with, she darted out of my place. I was standing there shaking because I never wanted this, I just wanted one thing to be mine the right way.
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It wasn't long till I paid the price for my choices and all I wanted was to be accepted by someone. I just did it the wrong way and ended up losing control I don't recall how long I spent hospitalized but surprisingly enough Cait was by my side. Eventually, I ended up helping her and Astra get ready for the future, while I tried to fix my future. It's hard to fix yourself when you repeat the same things that you did before, but that's okay because one day I will find a path forward. Cait couldn't help but keep me like a dirty secret from Astra but I understood why she is often distant from me and I can't change that yet. But then one night we end up in bed together and it's the first time I felt this way with someone I slept with. But Cait isn't mine and surely this will make things worse in some way moving forward, but for now, it's okay.
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After a few days things settled down and Cait was on and off talking to me. But I finally got into a community college hoping for a better future for myself. Unfortunately, I still felt caged in this place I wanted to change so desperately but it felt impossible. So I dropped out of college after a week and went to the next city over I left everything behind, full commitment or nothing. I just didn't realize how hard it would be without help or a place to start with, but this feels right. Getting a job wasn't difficult and finding a roommate wasn't too difficult after a couple of weeks of working. My roommate, however, was sick and I didn't know anything or how to help her she was saving up for a sure-fire operation though. Cassie was a beautifully bright girl with a difficult life, she told me bits and pieces of her life. But she mostly got my story and it wasn't pretty to tell but it felt good to tell someone, I figured she would hate me for what I did. But no judgment just a different point of view that made sense, it made me happy to hear it but I still have to atone regardless. Cassie and I took online classes together which was my way of getting a degree and spending more time with Cassie.
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Cassie; " So Joy got any happy memories.?"
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Joy; " No I'm filled with mostly tragedies and disappointments, and you know all of them. Why don't we talk about you?"
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Cassie; " No you don't get out of it that easily, come on let's go find happy times."
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She didn't act sick but she was and she just pulled me along with her choices. These are probably my happiest moments that are mine, I never knew what she had planned. But whatever she had planned I knew she was focusing on the happy memories because she doesn't think she will survive the next surgery. That's what makes these moments the most special especially with the time I can spend with her. One of her favorite places to go for making memories was a cat cafe not far from our home.
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Cassie; " I heard Tom and mina had kittens you're gonna love them I just know it."
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Joy; " I believe you, Cassie I can't wait."
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The cats and kittens love Cassie and often swarmed her when we entered. Friendly bunch of animals and they brought a brighter smile to her face than I ever could. But I don't mind this atmosphere at all, the kittens and cats are a nice addition to these memories. I'm gonna make the most of her time until the operation then she will be free from it all.
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