Fear Is For The Living

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFGiNpWEeyQ

I wonder, sometimes, if it will always define me –

If I will always be the twin

With no twin.

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7J27CaXHk7

I wonder, sometimes, if a little of him

Is inside me, just waiting,

Just waiting for me to find it.

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjy4yT2Zwpc

I wonder, sometimes, if he hadn’t died,

Would I have?

I wonder, sometimes,

Would it be better that way?

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr99NDrQzkI

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQDGdKOKuFo

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAXoSvtrVPD

I shouldn’t have gone out that day.

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ49Dj1xjBiP

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZtkxOVHPKB

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzwwlFqbRBH

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF4zdQvhs48

“Luca, you have to go to school.”

School.

A place where I feel his absence

So clearly, so greatly.

“I’m sick, Mama, don’t make me go.”

“Please, Mama, don’t make me go-“

And she doesn’t.

She never does.

She knows

That he should be here to fake-sick with me,

Sitting on our beds, groaning and giggling and fibbing half-heartedly.

We were never able to convince her, not quite –

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvNhfErvVAq

It is so easy now,

Now that there’s nothing to stay home for.

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbmJgvty5kH

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS2CbdqK19H

Mama leaves to go to the shop,

“I’ll be ten minutes, top, okay?”,

And the house falls to silence

But the silence hurts, hurts so much, so I

Turn up music on my phone until surely, surely

The hurt of the quiet goes away, goes away

But it never does, never does, and quiet of his absence is

Unbearable

Tense

Attacking me

Clawing my brain through my ears

So I wear his headphones with the volume on max.

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlwgVisRTZY

Mama says it’ll make me go deaf.

I don’t care.

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuFt6S4fa7Y

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjSeKYol3vJ

I want to go back

I do

Please.

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1XxB41LATb

My Mama needs me.

My brother needs me.

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBo81cyPAM8

I have homework to do.

Well, schoolwork, but the teachers ‘understand’

Why I can’t be there, on account of my grief,

They ‘understand’ when I turn work in late

With no explanation,

They ‘understand’. I want to ask if they’ve ever lost a brother

Because I know that they haven’t

So how could they possibly understand?

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTzsUZPhlYJ

They give me sad smiles and nods when I see them in the supermarket.

They don’t say anything because I’m wearing my music

And they assume I cannot hear them, but I can.

I hear their pity in their half-smiles

In their sad smiles

In their nods of acknowledgement

In their prolonged looks with my Mama, over my head.

They do not understand.

Nobody does.

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBvQCOGtKiS

I am dead.

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8cLKHncIfs

I can’t go back.

I like the quiet, of it, of death.

It surrounds you, it moves with you,

It comforts you.

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHiq2PQXUy6

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu7aVK5jPI5

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqxCG2aV975

I am an only child

And have been for a month.

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJFs11LNUvT

I don’t like the quiet.

I don’t like the quiet so I cry to fill it.

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKij0bPyv8k

I wander around the empty house

Everywhere I see is empty of him.

His photo is on the mantlepiece but his eyes are empty,

Mine is beside his

but he isn't beside me, not really, it's lying,

It isn't true! My heart hurts, hurts, hurts,

It is a void

Of his absence

That becomes a black hole and I smash his picture and I smash mine

And there’s glass on the floor and I pick it up and

I throw it at the walls and I

Scream

And I scream and I scream

And Mama comes home and she says,

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxOcZQxviis

“Scream, Luca, Scream.

Anger is for the living.

Fear Is For The Living

Your brother fears no more.”

371Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPFYdigwcxf

“Scream, Luca, Scream.”

She gently pulls off his headphones from around my head.

I don't need my music when I make my own, when I cry.

She wraps her arms around me.

She kisses my forehead.

"It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be afraid.

Fear Is For The Living, Luca,

So fear the moment when you don’t anymore.”

ns216.73.216.176da2

Fear Is For The Living

註冊

登入

介面語言:

故事語言: