JONESTOWN
The children don't deserve to die.
I had hope, I really did have hope, that I would find a heaven for little John and I, but the voice of the proclaimed prophet drowns my pleas for logic and the crowd has been blinded by sermons through sleep and the guns, the guns.
Jones interrupts every word I say. He says to me, 'I can tell you the answer now, because I am a prophet.' And the crowd cheers, and they say that it's over, that I'm a wicked person and that if I want to leave them all so close to glory, I can leave all I want.
I want to leave. This isn't the Jonestown I came here for. But right outside these gates, I'll be met by steel barrels, a gaping abyss from which a steel point will come rising out towards me. I know that they would pull the trigger without a second thought, that the sound of a ringing gunshot will mean nothing to the others.
Jones' eyes on me, the crowd waiting for my response. I don't have the energy to go any further resisting. 'That's all I got to say.'
Jones had been a handsome man, square-set jaw and well defined cheekbones, but not long after Jonestown he had stopped paying attention to his appearance; just a few weeks after settlement, his hair lay matted in patches against his head from dried sweat, and in other places strangled the air around his head, reaching out like the limbs of a monster hiding within that skull. The monster that does hide in there.
The speech continues, and I can't help but cry for Johnny, so sweet and so small. The others give stares of contempt, and they mutter, she is afraid to die. I wish I could tell them how they were so wrong, that I have no fear of the other side - only fear for these strangers surrounding me that had once been my closest friends.
Jones is telling us, they will come from the sky with weapons, they will torture our children and destroy this building. But it's lies that snake their way out of his mouth into the eager ears of the ignorant, and perhaps I am the only one who would see not corrupted government men, but angels descending with parachutes and uniforms.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXQPwxSsO5t
‘Please, please, can we hasten, can we hasten the medication… the congressman is dead, there’s nothing we can do now…’, people surging slowly, a wave of flesh pushing me and Johnny forward and I’m drowning in it, my child not knowing what’s going on, little Johnny pulling at my hand like a weight I can no longer carry.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdzyX1Rvj0Y
And they have the drink, purple liquid sloshing around in the tubs they carry, and cups in hand, ready to give out the fatal dose. They’re coming, they’re coming for him but I can’t let him go I can’t – ‘MAMA!’ – and then, weightless.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRW3xhcrGvD
Floating alone, the taste of bitter almonds and grapes in my mouth.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh6pnp62OVa
‘Please, please, there’s nothing to cry about… it’s not to be feared.’771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1xEYd5DVXS
Floating. The children are crying…
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The congressman has to die.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYE0akqL6Ig
He and the traitors, I’ll shoot them, I know I will.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpujo5YdPZC
‘I want to leave too.’ The traitors pass side eyes and worried murmurs but it’s too late for them now. I’m coming with them.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQVki3DjvTL
‘Very well.’ The congressman, with his manners and suits and words, all lies, all lies!771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGVmpQIECRf
I’m repulsed by the filth of the people I get into the truck with. You can smell it inside them – the filth of an unloyal, a weak and cowardly piece of meat that deserves no place in Jonestown.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMC3KuYnxJh
I make sure to sit at the front of the truck. It’ll be easier then – in a single movement, I will draw the sharpened blade from my pocket and it will seek out the evil and stop it from destroying this holy place.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS0JIQAk1od
The trees begin thinning out as if the forest itself can’t bear to come near the airfield – a feeling I share. It’ll be quick, I tell myself, and Mr. Ryan will be dead.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1iak6A2Bdu
snitch771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5BTX0B8RFz
swish771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf2fbyZ3As7
hick771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFmyquzgVLK
umph771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpePPJtd2MU
The taste of old soil and pungent rainwater fill my mouth. I’ve failed Jones, I know I have.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBd3nnlAmCm
‘…file a criminal complaint. I’ll take the others to the airstrip.’ Words, all lies, all lies!771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdrLsueanLS
Disgraceful. Metal wrapped around my arms, lodged against a trunk, jagged wood against my cheek. This other man thinks he is so superior, but when he dies, Jjara will punish him. Jjara will reward me for my good deeds, and he will reward Larry as well – this man, so clever, doesn’t know that there is another chance for me, rolling along wheels with the congressman. I will wait.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFWsfOfWUgk
I close my eyes and count. One… two… three…
The sound of the man writing on a piece of paper.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLsxIyiK8lW
Ninety six… ninety seven…771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtctlQ8xzD1
Four hundred and fifty eight…771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF2xF4RBEen
The sound of a plane landing nearby.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Wqd0MkXBz
Four hundred and eighty four…771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWmqfHykAfK
The sound of gunshots.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRnNacZsSLH
The man starts, and I lash out with my leg, the man falling so clumsily in that suit of his with a ‘Eruh!’ that betrays all his fancy accents and musings.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE53AVMIhii
Another kick. Another kick. The man is so weak without words, and the sounds stop eventually.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn8LnYXH839
One thousand eight hundred and thirty two.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3nuFX6XDVB
The plane hasn’t left. The traitors will never make it back to America.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwXzEpnD8J
Jjara smiles upon this day;771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgdjKi4YHL0
The congressman is dead.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEC3tOekSwX
Counting, counting.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrlge9gvCLn
Twenty two thousand…771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI6dBkcO73H
Forty seven thousand…
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I am ready to die.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx0O6uS2fxh
‘I can tell you the answer now, because I am a prophet!’ I cheer with the others. Jones is a nice man. He has worked so very hard for us, and the woman is ungrateful for wanting to leave. This place, everything… it couldn’t have happened without the wonderful person standing in front of me.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzrmz4DGsPA
‘Do you think I would put John’s life above the others? If I put John’s life above the others I wouldn’t be standing with Jjara. He’s no different to me than any of the others here. He’s just one of my children.’ Jones loves us all the same, you know, and that’s what made me come here; black living with white, all sisters and brothers in unity here. Jonestown gave what America could not.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnxSsdZJnb8
I move forward with Ted in my arms, careful not to push forward too fast. Ted was the sweetest child; and even now, he’s not crying like the others.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIKCCGCx8iC
I clear my throat. ‘I just want to say something to everyone that I see that is standing around and are crying. This is nothing to cry about. This is something we should all rejoice about.’ Ted gurgles lightly at the sound of my voice and I hug him close to my chest. ‘I’ve been here one year and nine months and I never felt better in my life. Not in San Francisco, but until I came to Jonestown. I enjoy this life. I had a beautiful life. I don’t see nothing that I should be crying about. We should be happy.’ And they are cheering, clapping for me and I smile at all my sisters and brothers, and Jones’ smile at me brings such joy I know Ted can feel, beating from my heart into his, so small and so close.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVWuOxQQVoj
‘I want to do it.’ I say to the man with the cup. He gives it to me, a simple plastic thing but simple is all we ever needed in life, isn’t it? It’s enough for Jonestown.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjMePRgLmYY
‘Now, now, Ted…’ I gently pour the child’s drink into his mouth, pausing for every swallow and breath. Once the cup is empty, just a small stain of purple at the bottom, I take my own – a sweet and bitter taste at once, like an aged and nutty wine.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf8e6D3x7nn
I lay down on the floor, calming words from Jones passing in one ear and out the other – the details don’t matter, just the soothing effect, and Teddy coos gently as I pat his head.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqwcNFrYzo5
And – I don’t know if it’s the hallelujah of my brothers and sisters rising in exultation, or if it is the sweet melodious voice of Jjara himself – but I can hear the most beautiful harmony of song, a brilliant cascade of music resonating through the skies – ‘Listen, Teddy!’ Such a sweet child, he is. ‘Can’t you hear the singing?’771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaKLv2TzmDN
I’m floating, now, rising into a spiral of stars where I’ll find for me and Ted what I came here for – peace, peace, and below me, the Jonestown trees shatter and scatter, just a kaleidoscope of leaves that once resembled a landscape being blown away until nothing is left but the view of distant galaxies and the warmth of my child.771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdtOXXGeiSX
The voice of a good man echoes softly;771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHUviCgQlct
‘…you set 1000 people who say ‘We don’t like the way the world is’… I don’t know how in the world they’re gonna write about us. It’s just too late…’771Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRTATQjRtDN
Floating.
