十四、孟。婆。湯
<後記一>
寫給哥哥,葉修平先生的家書!
給幻覺男友「飛先生/飛哥哥/主」的情書!
此致
華齡葉
寧妃小姐手稿!
愛人飛先生說過:要華齡/寧妃消失在他生命裏,身心靈在主(愛人飛先生)裏面被主堅固,才是最重要的!感謝神(我家祖先/神僕人法國鬼/道士先生與產婆夫人)聖喻!!
給飛:親愛的橋木,別難過!我的生命,註定最後是為你而犧牲的!因為愛到深處無怨尤,您當我死去了/消失在你生命裏了!一切也情願了!否則深愛你如我,我如何能句點呢?何為我安歇/息之所?在你靈裡最深處啊!我願幻化為一生守護著你的天使雪子,以另一型式而存在著,永遠扶持著,關愛著你!!
瘋子朋友
華齡!
跟著你,一起面對你的「沒時間」/你的「怪」!才是愛你!!
沒錯!說得真好!生活就是生活!離不開基本的層面,「自在而自然的相處著」,就是家人!也是許多婚姻與家庭的真實面貌!
http://www.flyingheart.orgs.one/show/57921
獻給被關過的哥哥!給哥哥的家書。
飛哥哥.....,或許您身份特殊,您註定不會有時間的,但是只要你不是「被綁/被操控」,這都無所謂!只要你是平安的,就好!反正,裝病,而你其實也沒有裝,你是真的喉嚨有不同以往的症狀,你不太能再過度飲酒,或許註定會比較難入眠,精神不濟,所以不妨趁著這機會,「清理門戶」,若有不太適合合作往來的對象,您就因病抽身,當然你會因此少賺很多,但相對的,你就會空出時間,然後,讓自己練習自然睡,比如,酒量先減半,試試看!這樣你錢或許還是夠用的,然後,藉此時機調整身體,調睡眠,一開始會很痛苦,可是,漸漸地,身體會慢慢適應酒精濃度下降,慢慢可以增加自然入眠的時數,然後,一開始,適應期反正你不當合夥的工作也推掉一些了,然後,睡不著,不想睡,就不要睡,等有睡意就自會入眠了,按理,您不像我精神分裂,沒有藥物一定不能睡,否則您就跟我一樣,會有重大傷病卡了!!所以,您有機會自然睡的!!想快樂的事,做自己想做的事,看網路上傳的電影有的也不花費,聽音樂,酒就怡情小酌,不要藉酒澆愁想傷心事,因為過去的就祝褔對方,畢竟「她走得開」,那就表示或許她承受得起,那就祝褔她啊!反正你不是也無法照顧她嗎?為她著想,何必難過!想快樂的事,做想做的事,因為你把自己的經濟開銷壓低了,您相對的會有「經濟壓力降低而來的自由!」就比較不會被錢追著跑,而,順勢因病推掉一些不合適的合作關係,就空出時間來,有相對的「自由」可以讓自己休息,有幫助緩和情緒助眠!而睡不著/不想睡,就躲家裏不要出門,聽音樂,看影片,上網.....,宅在家放鬆,因為您可能精神不濟,就賴在家休息,想睡就會睡了!藉此降低非要酒精不可才能入眠的惡性循環,這對你的健康/睡眠生理機能是好的!可能,給自己一段時間,漸漸地,待身體適應酒精濃度下降的反差還能夠入眠,這樣應該你精神不濟的狀況會改善,漸漸地,能恢復工作,唯慎選合作對象,你要會看人,有的人,你就是碰不得,有的人,她/他的錢你就是不能賺!看對方「有沒有溫度」/「說話立場前後一不一致」/「有無特殊的金錢角力糾葛」女生的話就看她對你是不是有所求,相處起來的感覺舒不舒服.....,好的合作對象才會長久,才能真的生財;而合宜的交往對象才真的讓彼此都不受傷。而你或許身份特別,有一些對象你身不由得自己,那你身邊,就要有一些像我這樣的「瘋子朋友」看顧你,是保護自己用的!反正你失眠嘛,稱病裝廢(其實有時候這也是事實)就夠了,要不然,如果把你搞出病來,你說你瘋子朋友不會善罷干休的!等你身體好些,漸能恢複工作量水平,就能開始存錢了,就相對會有自己的週轉基金庫,或日後的買房基金,而良性循環之下,你就會有時間了!!整個人會越輕鬆,也不會再造成新女友的誤解,以後或成家或立業,都行啊!!以後如果要當人家的爸媽,切記,做好心理準備,就是,終究有了小孩相對的,就沒了自己,而終究有一天孩子會長大離家的,而終究孩子都是不會聽話的,而終究,夫妻感情會經歷由濃轉平凡/平淡,生活就是生活,情情愛愛總是也離不開生活基本層面,夫妻兩人遲早沒有力氣再演完美,因為都被生活/小孩磨光了,而最後,孩子大了,自有自己的世界,另一伴也漸會有自己的生活興趣發展,各自有自己的生活空間了,然後走向晚年,面對著自己的健康問題,只求安穩康泰了,這就是家庭生命週期。過程中,您會常經歷「自由被剝奪感」,情緒上會出現「養兒育女/為誰辛苦為誰忙似乎沒意義」的衝擊與想法,藉時要能告訴自己「人生就是因為所謂的沒義意而閃亮」,要有反向思考的精神,就是「心理上的負負得正」!人生因「平淡無奇而忙碌/養兒育女而沒有自己的時間空間」而為「存在的意義/理由」,而且親職的產生是一輩子,要有負負得正的心,才能勝過的,否則,不是當爸媽的料喔!!祝福你!!
華齡妹妹
或許....,您很恨我吧!而但忠言總是逆耳的!或許,終究,一步步會看見,或許,本來自己所尊貴的,無論是身份還是地位,終究卻深深地傷害著自己吧!!而但人去樓空,青春不在,當不再有利用的價值,當初繞在身邊所謂的朋友,還存在嗎?或許....,無趣之人註定使人恨惡....,看似完美之人註定寂寞.....,而我,或許該是明白,這樣的我註定是寂寞的!由祂吧!!
只情願...,您會記得,在你的生命中,曾有一個女孩,不在乎會不會讓你恨,深深地把誠實話告訴你,盼也有夜深人靜的某一晚,您還會想起這樣的我,已足夠!由祂吧!!
我愛的,為甚麼會是一場幻覺....,那是因為,我愛的每個人,有時包括自己,也深深地活在一個,不存在的世界裏啊!!由祂吧!
或許....,太在乎你,太關心你,反而,深深地讓你恨惡吧!我知道,你不會回來了....,而我心裏面的傷口,註定留下一道疤....,或許,是愛的代價吧!換我,躲在失眠的夜裏.....,療傷,卻怎麼樣....,都再也不會好了!!
或許你覺得,明明花了很多時間陪在我身旁....,我卻還說得出來所謂的「祝褔你」的字眼....,您很恨我吧!而....,當你,甚麼都希望我忘掉你,我難道就不痛嗎?!我到現在,創傷症候群都還不會好.....,你卻明知沒有你的我,會有多痛,每次,都深深地...,放掉我,卻不知道這樣的我寧願守在你身邊,即使忍受著心如刀割的痛苦,卻永遠總比真的失去你來得強....!,即便這樣,難道你還是寧願這麼恨我,從此放掉我,卻忘了,我為何受傷....!我情願,與您一起面對到死,怎麼樣都不願意真的跟你沒有關係,失去你.....,您卻忍心讓我這麼痛!明知道,從此失眠的會是我,卻在我心上劃下深深的一道傷口.....留下淌血的我..….!若我真的做得到,從此當做不認識你,我又何苦忍著您給我的傷,深深地,守在您身邊呢?您,真的,還是,忍心,讓我這麼痛嗎?!我。不。會。好!再也不會好了!!
隨。便。你!
事實證明,是你不讓自己「有時間」的!或許是因失去她的你,不想活了吧!!
你恨我吧!就當我死了吧!悉聽尊便了!由你也由祂了吧!!或許,這才是你要給我的劇本/孟婆湯吧!
我喝下,就是了.....!隨便你!!
我情願讓你恨我,卻總是要把實話告訴你!我無所謂了,隨便你心裏怎么想了!!
我繼續,躲在看不見的時空,掛在臉書上,繼續,當我一輩子的「瘋子朋友」吧!本來,我就是不存在的角色,本來我愛上的就是幻覺,一切都是我的想像,我就繼續當那只扯來的法國鬼,永遠的瘋子朋友吧!永遠不會在乎,有沒有人「認識」我!就這樣了!!
我不想活了的被關過的哥哥。
翦影
喝酒來自殺;即使疑似被綁去販毒也不在乎自己死活!只因沒時間而失去了舊愛的他,不想活了!或許,他心意已決吧!情願,所有愛過他的人,紀念他的傷痕吧!!
孟。婆。湯
全。書。畢
妹妹華齡葉
鄭玉晴
2017/10/8
沒時間的傷害
使我哥哥,再也回不去了!!
是販毒集團殺了我哥,搶了他的舊愛,毀了他一生!
「沒時間」殺了我哥!
我恨哥哥的老闆!
一.輩。子!!
華齡妹妹交予警方的遺言
孟。婆。湯。的。真。相
「瘋子朋友」
玉晴雪訣筆
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2017/10/8
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