x
No Plagiarism!UUdqcDRez1WJU0aRoGEMposted on PENANA 兩年半前8964 copyright protection189PENANAW4UIpKlNq8 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAgpMQWNGZoI
8964 copyright protection189PENANAombuekGPil 維尼
↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓8964 copyright protection189PENANAMSWGLYw4WW 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAGHcDDQRm7V
8964 copyright protection189PENANAc8jaRWwneT 維尼
「林寒玉,你──你怎麼還活著!」謝雪痕死死地盯著他,忽然咧起半邊嘴冷笑。「呵,活過來又如何,那我就再次打斷你的靈筋,讓你生不如死。」8964 copyright protection189PENANAEVbJPPfnOU 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANABLLEQXCzGc
8964 copyright protection189PENANA4EjynJyjRK 維尼
回應他的是玉川劍與玄鐵鍊錚然相擊。8964 copyright protection189PENANAZTu9IsrUMC 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAAwkLo42oJQ
8964 copyright protection189PENANAMDH8kiDlmY 維尼
纏鬥了一會,他見他護甲裡面裹著層層繃帶,每甩一次玄鐵鍊時都滲出污血,卻無知無覺,猜想定必喝過大量瓊漿抑制痛感,不禁皺眉:好端端的一個人,怎會被雲宮弄成這樣……謝雪痕作惡再多,仍是師兄的小兒子……師兄臨死前將遺孤托付於他……他得想個辦法制住人再慢慢教訓……8964 copyright protection189PENANA2BvTHAiO4D 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAVYOhJbPTjk
8964 copyright protection189PENANAPjyqN4svAl 維尼
他見對方劍勢稍緩,整個人撞過去,要將他玄甲和玄鐵鍊上塗的腐血和蝕心蠱傳過去。8964 copyright protection189PENANAcryrORrIHF 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAhyXi04FtZ2
8964 copyright protection189PENANADSWZt2aDGU 維尼
謝鳴淵大叫一聲「師尊躲開」。8964 copyright protection189PENANAOuEZ0CEqRc 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAH12geq0frg
8964 copyright protection189PENANAL7O2xLkRTF 維尼
林寒玉的神色一變,瞇起了眼,威壓與玄冰焰同時迸發出來。8964 copyright protection189PENANAH0JwBC0VAd 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANA2m0mg1kyZJ
8964 copyright protection189PENANA1GNvD9m7UK 維尼
他一劍將謝雪痕一邊肩胛刺了個對穿,劍上燃起青白色的火,一路順著劍身燒過去。193Please respect copyright.PENANAxYNpMr0fsY
8964 copyright protection189PENANAQ8ndUEQYqG 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAbuFsWCxbwc
8964 copyright protection189PENANAjCqK14SZsG 維尼
玄鐵鍊和玄鐵甲熔化了,毒血煉化了,他整個人裹在玄鐵熔漿和玄冰焰裡,摔落雪地,翻滾慘嚎。8964 copyright protection189PENANA1g2hWegKo3 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANA20IYjUa0SY
=============================8964 copyright protection189PENANAKXyd0Jxcif 維尼
評語:8964 copyright protection189PENANAOI3ThuglqQ 維尼
1. 像在寫平鋪直敍的概論,雖然滿腦子都是燃得不行的畫面,但寫出來就是乾巴巴的某武器與某武器相擊,「纏鬥一會」輕輕帶過,危機出現有人大叫閃開,然後就直接跳到勝負結果,節奏生硬8964 copyright protection189PENANAV6P1zYyc7X 維尼
2. 0特效音效,完全沒有任何畫面感和感官刺激可言8964 copyright protection189PENANAxLZA9ZravO 維尼
3. 很多的「他」,分不清誰是誰8964 copyright protection189PENANAKW2zmAztoY 維尼
4. 最致命的一點,主角爆發的原因與力度沒有好好寫出來,應該要好好扣緊人設,這才能令讀者信服8964 copyright protection189PENANADyy2yLZgEY 維尼
5. 標點用錯了,問號和感嘆號用不好,還特別喜歡在一大段裡用……來分隔內心想法,明明分段就好了8964 copyright protection189PENANAnFP6NX8xgt 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAHc3nfqCZ1t
8964 copyright protection189PENANApuMIYHfLWt 維尼
兩年半後重修是這樣的:8964 copyright protection189PENANATiCfxbvCAL 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANA6RedWIPt8T
8964 copyright protection189PENANALet0vz3tiC 維尼
↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓8964 copyright protection189PENANA5NztNvmV26 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANA3S1VsJk9wr
8964 copyright protection189PENANAZzxl4YKM2f 維尼
「林寒玉,你──你怎麼還活著?」8964 copyright protection189PENANABkh7VS815E 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAr6oqgtXlIy
8964 copyright protection189PENANAZLKqYNVhSS 維尼
謝雪痕死死地盯著他,獨眼迸出寒芒,忽然咧起半邊嘴冷笑起來,和半邊修羅面具的獰笑表情一模一樣,在鳥背上一甩長長的玄鐵鍊。8964 copyright protection189PENANAoUMjvVSvGS 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANA3g9PR9FnIs
8964 copyright protection189PENANA2qwVSew2Yq 維尼
「呵,活過來又如何?那我就再次打斷你的靈筋,讓你生不如死!」8964 copyright protection189PENANA4A9tmZf5cX 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAOWzKRXEV2P
8964 copyright protection189PENANAZ5Sg0PDaDZ 維尼
回應他的是如潮水般暴漲的戰意,玉川劍光芒大盛,與玄鐵鍊錚然相擊。8964 copyright protection189PENANARPmg2XprEK 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANASRgK0W8Byn
8964 copyright protection189PENANAKtj95Mpzyp 維尼
「噹!」8964 copyright protection189PENANABq7wlOocZO 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAulzfcIZqnx
8964 copyright protection189PENANAKcjh5EiHVl 維尼
讓人牙酸的磨擦聲並沒有響起,因為林寒玉根本不會留機會給謝雪痕用玄鐵鍊纏住劍身──8964 copyright protection189PENANA4rphFnJaih 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAt4jK6OtL2z
8964 copyright protection189PENANAmlTA0GJ3YY 維尼
事實上,那條純玄鐵打造的鎖鍊也無法纏住玉川劍。玉川劍以玄冰焰淬煉而成,煉成之時灌注了玄冰寒玉的烈怒,為誅邪而生,早已不是普通的靈劍,劍身和環繞劍身的劍芒都至為鋒利,與玄鐵鍊正面交擊一回,已經在鍊上割出了一道缺口!8964 copyright protection189PENANARccjpW2j1i 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAE3gtbzo81W
8964 copyright protection189PENANAbdEeDQtwsp 維尼
兩人一擊即分,在空中拉開一段距離。8964 copyright protection189PENANA6UkJHXjZNw 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAOHV3p7SwAP
8964 copyright protection189PENANAPhQgcKsvO2 維尼
林寒玉既然出手,哪裡還會給他還手的機會?不見他如何動作,只見狂風裹著一個白色身影,二丈距離轉瞬即至,玉川劍一聲雷鳴般的劍嘯,人與劍挾著寒徹肺腑的冷風,再度如閃電般襲至!8964 copyright protection189PENANATXrR0RnXhZ 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANA3Huw8hXovQ
8964 copyright protection189PENANAkIgsksbeK8 維尼
好快的劍!8964 copyright protection189PENANADbhAgj45oy 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAtXiS9TZvSQ
8964 copyright protection189PENANAgFQi9NxbIm 維尼
謝雪痕獨眼瞳孔一縮,再度橫鍊格檔,同時一側身,正要反手還擊──8964 copyright protection189PENANAVDUDXK43np 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANA5z8OTHhjAi
8964 copyright protection189PENANApEdUg0H1Qm 維尼
林寒玉如影隨形,玉川劍隨他心意而動,第三劍已經呼嘯而至!8964 copyright protection189PENANAHv0OMnMcaJ 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAIKEeMe7rlr
8964 copyright protection189PENANAlR7RdyDWTr 維尼
謝雪痕不得不應,不得不擋,如此一路退一路擋,哪裡擋得住迅捷無倫的心劍?他閃身躲避,身上玄鐵甲仍被劍氣波及,霎時多了數道裂痕。8964 copyright protection189PENANAFuvECJSnfO 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAUdvIRs67Lp
8964 copyright protection189PENANA2X51HM1XOd 維尼
纏鬥了一會,林寒玉見他護甲裡面裹著層層繃帶,每甩一次玄鐵鍊,新傷舊傷都滲出更多污血,卻仍恍若無知無覺,猜想定必喝過大量瓊漿抑制痛感,不禁皺了皺眉。8964 copyright protection189PENANA8rnSVGVfLV 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAeCUWpeAKC4
8964 copyright protection189PENANASmZ2xPRWm0 維尼
好端端的一個人,怎會被雲宮弄成這樣?8964 copyright protection189PENANAyyI81bp61g 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAybKpHBNgsT
8964 copyright protection189PENANArU4aGmcNgH 維尼
謝雪痕作惡再多,仍是師兄的小兒子,師兄臨死前將遺孤托付於他,他就不能隨意開殺戒,得想個辦法制住人再慢慢教訓。8964 copyright protection189PENANANGsxOnFx1o 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAidLMHwxLrj
8964 copyright protection189PENANAAZdIXnG2bA 維尼
謝雪痕見林寒玉劍勢稍緩,抓緊機會整個人直撞過去,要將他玄甲和玄鐵鍊上塗的腐血和蝕心蠱傳過去!8964 copyright protection189PENANABK7bIMsm2n 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANA4o129ZUJvP
8964 copyright protection189PENANAvR7GscVqp4 維尼
「師尊快躲開!」謝鳴淵在不遠處與宋慧一起戰鬥,不時分心看林寒玉幾眼,見謝雪痕欲近身投毒,馬上大喊出聲。8964 copyright protection189PENANA2lmp9Kb7Fx 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAOHx3UvHqfU
8964 copyright protection189PENANAyCo9Kfexds 維尼
林寒玉之前中了蝕心蠱、又泡在化血池裡,到底有多痛,謝鳴淵與他共情時早體會過了,心知肚明,可不想讓他師尊再經歷一次!8964 copyright protection189PENANANdhnPM6W7q 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAJpY4vvVlXj
8964 copyright protection189PENANAUHEfXCzNy8 維尼
腥風撲鼻,林寒玉的神色一變,危險地瞇起了一雙丹鳳眼,無可匹敵的靈力威壓與玄冰焰同時迸發出來。8964 copyright protection189PENANAokCaPVO14j 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAiI1Vkomc9W
8964 copyright protection189PENANAELfgXJaPwy 維尼
「豎子敢爾!」8964 copyright protection189PENANArBRV49jsAR 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAvEixiPne4s
8964 copyright protection189PENANAzrhbcrAHpT 維尼
誕生於玄冰最深處的玄冰寒玉,經歷千萬年的重壓方成冰中之眼,天然的威壓不可小覷。兩人附近的妖化雪鴞都紛紛發出悲鳴墜落,包括謝雪痕那隻純白無斑的妖鴞,也一改兇惡的神態,恐慌地撲騰著雙翼,卻無論如何都扛不住鋪天蓋地的巨壓,半路已然沒了聲息!8964 copyright protection189PENANApAaM7Zs9Hq 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAI5AQyUVvtO
8964 copyright protection189PENANAfMOdEUUWzj 維尼
謝雪痕揮動玄鐵鍊,一蹬,止住跌勢,棄了座騎,要再拚著騰空一擊!8964 copyright protection189PENANAgHFt9FHfA7 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAQEEjAJpOPG
8964 copyright protection189PENANAerMVpuyIcT 維尼
林寒玉手一招,玉川劍就從空中急掠而下,將謝雪痕一邊肩胛刺了個對穿,劍上燃起青白色的怪火,在低沉的轟鳴聲中一路順著劍身燒過去。8964 copyright protection189PENANAcyOCb36C5o 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANAe5ryKRFhCG
8964 copyright protection189PENANA5azYmODEqj 維尼
玄鐵鍊和玄鐵甲霎那間熔化,毒血被煉化得乾乾淨淨,謝雪痕臉上的修羅面具也頃刻化灰,整個人裹在玄鐵熔漿和玄冰焰裡,燃燒著墜落在雪地上,不住地翻滾慘嚎。8964 copyright protection189PENANAmvvjlYu0PE 維尼
====================8964 copyright protection189PENANAmZnGuxFDzF 維尼
努力改善了動作戲這個短板,動♂作♂戲也隨之改善了呢(笑)8964 copyright protection189PENANAepUaBx9TOt 維尼
193Please respect copyright.PENANApNBJQqjA8r
172.69.6.96
ns 172.69.6.96da2