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No Plagiarism!2wHHrGt9M26LjHBy2sfOposted on PENANA (撰寫日期:2014年4月,差不多是能夠找到最早的稿件)8964 copyright protection196PENANAdjhehQ8WQE 維尼
晚上,夜幕降臨,費迪力克和戴維斯的身影變得模糊。8964 copyright protection196PENANACQ20hSewdP 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAHkfIRDi4Z5
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費迪力克從口袋中拿出布,把它撕成條狀,為戴維斯作了臨時的包紥。8964 copyright protection196PENANArnlK3cyrQL 維尼
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費迪力克把戴維斯抱起,放在自己的馬上。全力奔往最接近的村莊---春風村 ,費迪力克希望那兒有人可以替他療傷。8964 copyright protection196PENANAO01Ag1BUFE 維尼
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「我太輕敵了,艾爾弗雷德真的很強,不愧是黑暗帝國的大將。」戴維斯虛弱的吐出一句。8964 copyright protection196PENANAcjSwAiYgd1 維尼
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「別說了,你先好好休息一下吧!唉!村莊被燒了,又跟大隊失散了。唯有到處走走,看看有沒有人吧!」費迪力克望著俯伏在他前面的戴維斯。8964 copyright protection196PENANAnMo8iB45kJ 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAEGRqEQAG4Z
8964 copyright protection196PENANAGXzf2CkLXN 維尼
「師父……我……很痛,很辛苦。我到底會不會……那個……」戴維斯說著,話也沒說完就昏倒了。8964 copyright protection196PENANAju4Y6wvYnL 維尼
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很快的,費迪力克的絕塵駒把他們兩人帶到附近未被洗劫的村莊---春風村。由於時令近冬,這村莊又位於平原上,所以入黑不久後吹起的每一陣風都帶來涼意,仿佛為不久後的寒冬傳來信號。費迪力克騎馬進入村莊,村莊內大部分人已經返回自己的家。為了讓敵人以為這裡的村民已經逃走,他們盡可能熄滅屋內的油燈,防止黑暗帝國的人來搶掠。8964 copyright protection196PENANAB9NSNmt9SF 維尼
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正當費迪力克認為自己求救無門的時候,村莊的盡頭走來了一對姊妹。8964 copyright protection196PENANAuhC6Amlxar 維尼
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看見了人的身影,費迪力克的心情就像一個在沙漠找到綠洲的人一樣,激動萬分。8964 copyright protection196PENANAwNuJyxRYfS 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANARNCJA1K88Z
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妹妹小聲地說: 「這個人受了傷,好可憐喔,姐姐,我可不可以帶他到我們家療傷? 」8964 copyright protection196PENANAfsRztciiSx 維尼
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姐姐冷冷的回答說: 「如果這人是阿斯達帝國的人,我們救他都是應該的。」8964 copyright protection196PENANAgqp4DqtVhw 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANASSbs61FjWr
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於是,妹妹走上前問費迪力克是不是阿斯達帝國的人。費迪力克從口袋中拿出代表阿斯達帝國軍隊的令牌,那對姊妹就帶費迪力克和戴維斯到他們居住的小屋。8964 copyright protection196PENANAhWHyH6CN0c 維尼
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到達了那對姊妹的家後,費迪力克把他的絕塵駒安置在馬廄裡,然後抱起戴維斯走入屋內。8964 copyright protection196PENANAZT0x8WeaUN 維尼
評語:8964 copyright protection196PENANAPqceckUoep 維尼
1. 文句平鋪直敘,修辭和文筆也是相當粗糙。8964 copyright protection196PENANA52tY0KPOaL 維尼
2. 照理上一個重傷的人沒可能這麼多話吧。8964 copyright protection196PENANAnqlJwUEse5 維尼
3. 角色之間缺乏對話,無法帶出他們之間的關係、各自的個性、對彼此或者是事情的看法等等。8964 copyright protection196PENANArFK2DXgICe 維尼
4. 起名就是用來搞笑的。就算是反派,哪有人會自稱黑暗帝國啦?順帶一提,戴維斯就是我上學用的英文名。8964 copyright protection196PENANA2ddGaRXPpo 維尼
5. 角色關係混亂。故事設定戴維斯是被費迪力克收養的孤兒。兩人的關係理應是養父養子,但我寫的時候就說他們是師徒。8964 copyright protection196PENANA9a0kSSFDPJ 維尼
6. 錯誤使用「的」和「地」。8964 copyright protection196PENANAnVsMWFd95I 維尼
7. 缺乏角色心理刻畫。除了很基本的動作之外,讀者根本無法得知角色的心理狀態。8964 copyright protection196PENANADKtA9FfyHC 維尼
以下是最近作第二次重修的版本。8964 copyright protection196PENANAauicPZl6bP 維尼
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這次重寫除了搞清楚角色關係,以往太不堪的名字也重新命名。8964 copyright protection196PENANAZZpfi2sPzY 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAUA2dwwnS8D
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費迪力克>>>艾爾弗雷德8964 copyright protection196PENANAsRrM9NOrf0 維尼
戴維斯>>>萊伊8964 copyright protection196PENANAJED6rniL5p 維尼
艾爾弗雷德>>>巴頓8964 copyright protection196PENANAIvE2NFpZrE 維尼
=======================8964 copyright protection196PENANAb2pRJafPYH 維尼
(撰寫日期:2022年7月1日)8964 copyright protection196PENANAVq8aaVYEHC 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANACUJnhTxu3a
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「萊伊,支持著!」8964 copyright protection196PENANAH9SSyDDzYP 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAFhoGXvyv9w
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艾爾弗雷德鼓勵著說,同時加緊策鞭,愛驅「輕風」載著兩人疾走化成沙土的灸熱平原上。8964 copyright protection196PENANAJp7IQNgH1D 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAfHfgKpKbgS
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萊伊昏厥在艾爾弗雷德的懷裡。趴在馬背的他,每下起伏對他來說也是絕大的痛楚。溫熱的血從簡易的布條包紮間流出。馬兒輕噴著氣,不說還以為因為漂亮的銀灰鬃毛被沾污而生氣。8964 copyright protection196PENANAxnJEapIl7u 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAqM6Xl2q4vm
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「父親……」萊伊吐出氣聲。8964 copyright protection196PENANAUVP2MZkZuU 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAd86tGP52jK
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「我在這,別害怕。」艾爾弗雷德壓低身。除了降低風阻讓輕風跑得更快,還是為了聽到萊伊的聲音。8964 copyright protection196PENANADTLNvRSS7M 維尼
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「我們去哪……」8964 copyright protection196PENANAMLqhQ7ZHna 維尼
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「往東走,倫納德。」8964 copyright protection196PENANAxAgwb2XEkY 維尼
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艾爾弗雷德瞻前顧後,洞察周遭一切,確保他們沒有被追兵盯上。8964 copyright protection196PENANAuafBMi1MlH 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANACLLQWODYf7
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戰火拋諸腦後,翻過一道小山隘後,綠茵草原重現眼前,看來這裡的土地還沒被戰火燃指。艾爾弗雷德心裡再三確定自己的想法沒錯。8964 copyright protection196PENANAiimcgiWidQ 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAGQfv99o6v5
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帝國軍的主力投放在西南方的首都和往西通往塞莉亞和普拉迪安的道路。雖然日後前往漢姆斯利需要繞遠路,東邊的倫納德目前而言是一個比較安全的城市。8964 copyright protection196PENANAJ56eTWqb7z 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAMBVZGGdzux
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性命都要保不住,還想什麼騎士選拔?8964 copyright protection196PENANA6zKDxiZkff 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAbDgPUTDSFo
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艾爾弗雷德趕緊驅去消極的想法,剛才的念頭只是他用來肯定自己做的決定。8964 copyright protection196PENANAOOhuPpvocV 維尼
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他也無法掌控萊伊的命運。8964 copyright protection196PENANAgxTFopOceC 維尼
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過去在騎士團效力時也有不少的生死時刻,但沒有一次比現在更徬徨無助的時刻。8964 copyright protection196PENANANbHLpsr4Ju 維尼
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這個是他視如己出的養子啊!8964 copyright protection196PENANAdcmFWMKreD 維尼
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沒有任何比起家人更重要的人。8964 copyright protection196PENANADtMWV0toac 維尼
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「父親……」萊伊再次開口。8964 copyright protection196PENANA8brdQ9EWcH 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAizsNpPQcqO
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「你說吧。」艾爾弗雷德豎耳傾聽,每一句都盡力去聽,哪怕那句話隨時會成為遺言。8964 copyright protection196PENANAdQIXZz6tU1 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANApjFNAbeqOE
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「對不起……我弄出了這麼大的麻煩……真是愚蠢……」萊伊聲線顫抖說,不時在抽泣。8964 copyright protection196PENANA9jOg6SU7Y4 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANANQofuxqgDI
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「這些事遲點兒再說,不要耗費力氣。」艾爾弗雷德立即止住萊伊自責的宣言。8964 copyright protection196PENANAtd8xqIJOQA 維尼
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對於萊伊的魯莽行為,相較於他造成的困境,艾爾弗雷德對他的傷勢的擔心卻遠高於此。8964 copyright protection196PENANAfme5fCy68S 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAGa8fHrmAXI
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你要堅持著!我和輕風會盡力跑到倫納德的。8964 copyright protection196PENANA67zqqnsfzf 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAmYwfp5hhFj
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此刻的艾爾弗雷德,心裡只有這個想法。8964 copyright protection196PENANAAr4kcAvIMI 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANATpDVnvZ1BU
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又越過一個小土丘,下方不遠處燈火密佈,一個個起著菱角的屋頂在夜幕低垂的天空下格外突出。8964 copyright protection196PENANAmijLv002K7 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAzWO3C9bNXX
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倫納德,這個城鎮就在他們前方。橘黃的燈火帶給人溫暖,彷彿迎接看見它的人回家一樣。8964 copyright protection196PENANAZV9KIQZWqU 維尼
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「輕風!加把勁跑過去吧!」艾爾弗雷德拍拍馬背,8964 copyright protection196PENANAJhhGr159eF 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANA9IWdyOOXQw
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輕風聽懂了主人的說話,立即鼓起四肢的肌肉,向著山丘下的村莊奔去。8964 copyright protection196PENANAnbOF9Hvuan 維尼
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寧靜的晚上,除了鳥兒的零碎叫聲外,其他可聽見的聲音就只是夜風在耳邊略過的「呼呼」聲。8964 copyright protection196PENANAizRBoswwsC 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAamLcK5jK66
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跟奧比斯頓相比,倫納德的城牆很低矮,甚至沒有像樣的護城河。簡陋的城門兩側掛著燃點的火炬,守門的騎士在互相閒談。鳴蟬吱吱喳喳地叫著,為寧靜的夜晚驅去寂寞。8964 copyright protection196PENANAX8s1tma0zL 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAviaA35hzA4
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「兩位停步!現在已經開始封城,沒有官方公文的行人不得進城!」8964 copyright protection196PENANAY2EZfM6Z9g 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAwujdWQoHwC
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看見往這邊接近的騎影,守衛停止傾談,舉起武器架在身前戒備,同時朝那道身影叫道。8964 copyright protection196PENANASOzm2nDo4x 維尼
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「我是皇家騎士團尉騎:艾爾弗雷德。這裡是王令。」艾爾弗雷德拿出王令,幸好信紙沒有弄破。8964 copyright protection196PENANAm22ch79rmg 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANA1cMBIDD6Ce
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守衛檢查王令,確認印章和簽署是真品後還給他。8964 copyright protection196PENANAECO9sCuxQA 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAFzn7U4z9gH
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一個人在開門途中,另一個騎士注意到從馬上一直滴下的血,抬頭就看見俯臥在馬背的萊伊,不禁吞了口唾沫:「將軍還好嗎?」8964 copyright protection196PENANAewmHgYQJB7 維尼
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「我自有辦法。」艾爾弗雷德草草帶過,不希望隨便跟外人說太多。8964 copyright protection196PENANAOHJIqEdm8d 維尼
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「將軍請。」騎士恭敬地指著城門裡的大街,頭低得看不到面孔。8964 copyright protection196PENANAcmwES9wUDU 維尼
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闊落的大街沒幾個行人。畢竟現在封城當中,外面又經歷戰爭,人們都沒閒情雅致在夜裡外出玩樂。8964 copyright protection196PENANAZrFyicdt9u 維尼
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艾爾弗雷德單騎疾馳街道,這個場景看起來滿滿的蒼涼。8964 copyright protection196PENANAu83Xo0459Z 維尼
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這時,路的盡頭走來一對少女。8964 copyright protection196PENANAEAwh8czCCr 維尼
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「家姐!今天真的收獲豐富喔!」紅髮藍眼的少女挽著比較年長的少女,一跳一躍地說道。8964 copyright protection196PENANA6MQaq627C0 維尼
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「梅迪,待會兒就可以吃了。」披上獸皮風衣的少女說道。那張臉同樣有著一雙蔚藍的漂亮瞳眸。兜帽下方的紅髮因為光影的關係顯得有點暗淡。8964 copyright protection196PENANAV0Oou6ujGd 維尼
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梅迪手挽的少女還牽著一頭驢子。身揹著一張弓,似乎是獵人。8964 copyright protection196PENANAYz70jGlnq9 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANA5tdG3nJ1T8
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看見了人的身影,艾爾弗雷德的心情就像一個在沙漠找到綠洲的人一樣,激動萬分。8964 copyright protection196PENANAugbluVHexX 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAqJS5bSxUpf
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雙方距離越來越接近,這對姊妹似乎也注意到面前的騎士了。8964 copyright protection196PENANADlAOzhyyG6 維尼
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「家姐!那騎士好帥啊!」紅髮妹妹指著艾爾弗雷德說著。如果自己沒聽錯,她的名字叫梅迪。8964 copyright protection196PENANA8d4W4HcEtY 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAXcBsGZNhQV
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「梅迪,不可以這樣跟別人說話!很沒禮貌的。」獵人姊姊立即按下了梅迪的手,說著。8964 copyright protection196PENANAS53oZCpqNw 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAjwIKDfbGsB
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「先生,很對不起,我這個妹妹年紀還小,不懂事。」察覺艾爾弗雷德望過來的目光,獵人姊姊走上前,代梅迪道歉。8964 copyright protection196PENANAgsLJTTKhKA 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAfHeWtBllxK
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「沒關係。我反而要感激你們留意到我。」艾爾弗雷德回道。8964 copyright protection196PENANAlpU5olFBba 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAC1W8dyCaDm
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兩姊妹都對他的回答而感到有點奇怪,稍微蹙眉。8964 copyright protection196PENANAegc2ExNbCr 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAnbRBK7Fw4n
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「這個是我兒子,他受了重傷。」艾爾弗雷德禮貌的問道。8964 copyright protection196PENANA3bG54o8NxU 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAmw7NyqTBTz
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雖然有貴族背景的艾爾弗雷德絕對不需禮貌的對著平民說話。不過,他很明白自己現在的處境。更何況,他本來就是討厭絕大多數的貴族的驕奢作風。8964 copyright protection196PENANAKx2wXry4n5 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANATk19pgxaAs
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「就是他。」艾爾弗雷德指著伏在馬鞍上的萊伊。8964 copyright protection196PENANAt31ZG75Fos 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAg4QY2PFJSw
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梅迪小聲地說:「這個人受了傷,好可憐喔。家姐,我可不可以帶他到我們家療傷?」8964 copyright protection196PENANAUt2aWpvj09 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAKlRe74iUvX
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獵人姊姊冷冷的回答說:「如果是騎士,我們救他都是應該的。」8964 copyright protection196PENANA3OzR6Fy0gB 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAHeBzBTuNTs
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「我有辦法能救他。」8964 copyright protection196PENANA83kJt3TbTp 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAGgeYzzawCP
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梅迪喜形於色,站在親姊姊面前掂起腳尖仰望道。8964 copyright protection196PENANA9iAdsYGs64 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAwAdaJSzMtQ
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眼見艾爾弗雷德一副不解,梅迪隨即自豪地拍拍胸口說:「我懂得治療魔法。」8964 copyright protection196PENANA1cWzWh8aCN 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAkNc0MZNxBJ
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「感激不盡。」8964 copyright protection196PENANAywHEB5Bz4X 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANAai2PMBOiJw
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艾爾弗雷德緊隨那對姊妹的後頭,回去她們的家。8964 copyright protection196PENANAj3tWSwDlLs 維尼
200Please respect copyright.PENANA0ArUybR0Y3
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200Please respect copyright.PENANA6mJq0b0NXM
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這些年間花了很大努力學習心理描寫和動作描寫。原本簡陋的文句,內容也豐富起來了。觀察力強的讀者也許會發現我保留了極少數以前寫的文字。除非完全用不了,否則我盡可能保留寫下的部分。因為那就代表我寫作的初心。8964 copyright protection196PENANA6cX4uwdlYP 維尼
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